Ask Nicole

Rapid Fire and Lengthy Advice.

2011-03-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

What is the best way to deal with a friend who has been complaining about their girlfriend for years, saying the same things over and over and just sounding like a harsh jerk?

Tell her to quit her girlfriend or quit talking to you about it because it's making you feel weird about her girlfriend and/or just stressing you out.

How cougar is cougar?

It depends on your age.
If the younger person is under 25, I'd say around 8-10 years would officially be a cougar or chicken hawk situation.
If the younger person is over 25, you can boost that up to between 10 & 15 years.
Coug on.
BUT
Don't date anyone you've been in a mentorship role with. That's called grooming and it's inappropriate, Mary Kay Letourneau territory.

How do you cope with an obsessive worry about impending nuclear drift?

I have a couple of websites for you to look at.
This one is from the Radiation Network, an independent group measuring radiation around the U.S. .
The second is Oregon's webpage listing current hazards.
Oregon doesn't want their citizens to perish or look like Blinky the fish. Trust in them!

If it's still bugging you,
Have some miso soup with kombu, sprinkle some nori on your rice, and take a hot bath.
Go for a run or a bike ride to get it out of your head and know that you've done all you can.
In fact, why not take some of that nervous energy and transform it into something useful by wildly donating to the many Earthquake Relief organizations serving those most affected by the devastation in Japan.

P.S.
Maybe a radiation preparedness kit would help sooth your mind. Then you'd know that no matter what happens, you can casually throw on your gas mask, choke down some Iodide, and start driving East, confident that you've escaped the rays.

A mostly straight girl and I have exchanged interest in dating and over a month and a half have developed an intimate friendship.. not physical though. I asked her out again and she sounds super ambiguous about it still.
Part of me wants to call it quits all togeths but don't know if i risk the chance of losing our friendship. I'm conflicted. Am I kidding myself by thinking I have a chance or am I being strung along?

I borrow from a sometimes-wise friend when I say:
Anything that's not a Yes is a No.

Don't try to get into her head or guess about how much she likes you. If she's being ambiguous, then she's not ready.

She's not into you ENOUGH to dash to the head of the line and put in her application.

So move her into the "No" pile and move on.
Keep the friendship light. Lite even.
But don't waste your romantic vibes on a trifling fool.

Advice Needed:
If a friend of a friend gives you a placenta from a recent birth so your food club can eat it, do you remain in semi regular contact with her? Xmas cards? Keep up with the baby? What is the protocol?

You are under no obligation to keep in regular contact, BUT a thank you card is required. A small gift for the baby or some flowers would also be a kind way to show your thanks for the gift of her organ meat.

Dear Nicole,

I need some advice...because someone wants on with my girlfriend! The 'someone' is a friend of a very good friend, so it's not really possible to avoid her completely. My g.f. and I are in a monogamous relationship, and I don't really have a problem with how she has reacted to this situation, though I don't really understand the whole "trying to out-butch each other" thing that she and 'someone' do. My girlfriend says she doesn't like this 'someone' either, but is still friendly when we see her (as am I - it's the Midwest in me).

So this 'someone' (who has a girlfriend, btw) does all the classic B.S. - ignoring me, being way too interested in my girlfriend, doing her favors, etc. She's also got that playa playa charisma - she can talk anyone into anything. It makes me feel insanely jealous and threatened when we are around 'someone' and feel like crap for days afterwards. I also know that I have trust and self-esteem issues and this situation is aggravating them. I don't know if I should say something to 'someone', or talk to my girlfriend more about it, or maybe say something to the mutual friend?

I feel like I could use some psychic armor to wear around this 'someone' too - any recommendations?

Thanks!
-Irritated in Irvington

Dear Irvington,

Well there is NOTHING worse than a would-be homewrecker.

Look, Portland lezzies, there are plenty of dykes in the sea. Start flippin over rocks and licking toads like the rest of us did to find our dates.
You need not tread on the monogamous!

With that said, Irvington, your psychic armor is this phrase: What Will Be Will Be, and if my girlfriend can be lured away by a philandering snake oil salesman, then I'm better off without her.
Fatalistic? Perhaps, but you'll be fine either way.

Anyway, In a tragic twist of fate, the worse you feel about this and the more you pester your girlfriend, the less attractive you will seem. Unfair but true.

It would be helpful for you to set up some boundaries together.
If your girlfriend agrees and can adhere to some boundaries within your relationship, that's all you can ask for.
If your girlfriend complies and you're STILL trippin', then you need to take a chill pill or go see a therapist on your own so you do not project all of this energy onto her.

Here are my suggestions of boundaries to make clear before moving on:

1. How much they're going to hang out

In my monoga-prude perspective, if someone's trying to get with your man, then your man need not hang out with that person alone.
I'm not saying they shouldn't be pals - You WANT your person to have friends, but one on one is too intimate and date-y to me.
It seems a little QUEER to me.

2. The favors

Your girlfriend needs to understand that these favors are not from some Good Samaritan trying to spread joy into the world, and the more favors she accepts from this person, the more she's feeding their boner fire.
So,
a gentle non acceptance of favors isn't going to kill anyone.

Example: "Oh, you know what- I found someone to help me move. Thank you so much for offering, though... bro. "

Instead of:
"Wow, thanks for helping me move AND unpacking my stuff AND offering to try out my new bed for me! That is so awesome of you! You know what? I WOULD like a massage, after all. You wouldn't mind? Oh, that's great, that's greeeaattttttt......."

NOTE: These boundaries or interactions need to come from the mouth of your girlfriend to the ears of the dunce who is courting her.
You shall be elsewhere, enjoying your life independently as your girlfriend fields all questions, calls and come ons.

Good luck and take care.

(If all else fails, there's a great song called
"Hit That Bitch With A Bottle" that I like. Maybe you can listen to that on repeat as you hit a punching bag or try out kick boxing, so that you don't engage in any actual girl on girl violence. OR... just hit that bitch with a bottle. )

Mom Jeans, with special guest Katastrophe!

2011-01-12T17:57:00.000-08:00

Hello! I have employed guest advisor & fashionable gent, San Francisco based rapper and producer Rocco Kayiatos (a.k.a. Katastrophe) , to step in and help with this very special question about Mom Jeans this week.
If you want to see Rocco's non-matron-like pantaloons in person, you can find him at Portland's Gaycation on January 15th (see flier below).

Until then, our question:

hi nicole.
I'm a queer lady who's been dating a super cute person for the last several months. things are great, there's just this one thing that is bugging me.
he has this favorite pair of jeans that are truly terrible.

i was spared from the jeans when i was falling in love with the person because they were in the mending pile.
they have since been mended and i can't take it!

they are total MOM JEANS. when i see my sweetheart in these jeans, i want to run away.
it literally hurts my eyes to see my date's cute little bod unflatteringly obscured in these jeans.
i feel like, "don't you know those are curvy WOMEN's levi's?"

my date is somewhat masculine-presenting genderqueer, i don't think he knows these are women's jeans, and also i think he doesn't know how weird they make his butt look. is there a way of getting him not to wear the jeans? i mean, you know, besides asking him to please stop wearing them?
HELP!

Rocco Says:

I suppose this leaves you in a bit of a tough spot. If I were in this position I would propose one of two things.

1. Go shopping for new jeans together. Mention that you need new jeans and you would love to see your date in some new denim too. Then, while shopping, fawn over him and his hot bod in the jeans. Get him into a pair that hugs all the right areas and are flattering. Tell him his ass has never looked so hot and that you know he is loyal to his favorite pair, but that in all honesty these look better. Then get him the jeans. Small price to pay, I'd say.

2. Another more duplicitous and severe solution would be to aide in the mysterious disappearance of said pair of jeans, destroy and deny everything. I would not recommend this though, it is setting a precedence of dishonesty.

3. Depending on how close you guys are, you could just be honest and let him know that you think he has a gorgeous body and that those jeans just do not do it justice. Choose your words carefully though.
(Nicole interjects: "These Jeans Do Not Do Your Butt Justice")

Good luck! No one should wear Mom Jeans, even moms.

xo Rocco

And from Nicole:

In this instance, stay away from the hurtful truth route as much as possible. I have employed this "truth" in the past about a certain button-up, and found it only gave my then-date a complex that perhaps I hated ALL of her clothes, not just this one shirt.
Also, would you not smack the mouth of someone who tried telling you what to wear?
I might! (or weep in private. either or.)
Not the right path.

I agree with Rocco that buying your sweetheart a pair of jeans is a small price to pay in order to get rid of the motherly ones; but I have a couple suggestions of my own.

Try talking butt science with your date. Mention that the smaller & higher the pockets, the bigger (in a weird, long, flat way) your butt looks. Say you saw it on Oprah. Something about how larger , lower pockets are your favorite, and you've seen him wear some pants like that and his butt looked awesome.

If you must discuss the Mom-Jeans directly, like if they somehow become resurrected, I'd like to expand upon Rocco's honesty route of taking the angle that your sweetheart is too good for them.
Think-
You Are Hotter Than These Jeans.
and/or
You Can Do Better.

When I inquired with said date about the formerly mentioned button up, she did think one of these sentences would have softened the blow and boosted her self esteem instead of giving her a complex.

Good Luck,
and if those jeans disappear I promise not to tell.

Here's a Style Guide to Men's Jeans

And for the ladies

2011-01-12T11:56:00.000-08:00

Hi Nicole,

I dated a pretty cool chick, who's a big part of a particular art/music/performance scene in (Big City Where Everyone Knows Everyone Anyway). It went really well, but one morning in early September she broke up with me out of the blue, with no reasons given or warning signs. I was devastated, but told her I respected her decision and we've cut all contact.

Thing is, I'm still in love with the art/music/performance scene that she had introduced me to (and had been a fan of the particular genre for years--it's one of the things we bonded over), and I miss going to shows. When, if ever, is it appropriate for me to start going out in that scene again?

Thanks ever so!

Best,
Not-A-Creeper-in-NYC

Hi, Not-A-Creeper.
First of all, It seems from your letter that you're very sane & you've stopped going to these shows. I'm glad!

It takes the bigger person to take the high road, and the high road is staying home and watching 30 Rock, hanging out elsewhere, or having one-on-one times with friends for a while.

Sometimes the drama-magnets among us try to claim It's Not Fair and
they Should Be Able To Go Where They Want (after a breakup),
only to then cry to their friends or raise a ruckus after seeing their
Ex with another person, or even alive.
Trifling.

But on to your problem!

Depending on the severity of the breakup & accompanying feelings/awkwardness,
I would wait 2-3 months to go out again.

And even then- I would either go to shows where she may not be (This girl can't be everywhere all the time), or choose wisely.

Like, make sure the show is worth it before you leave the house.
Is it a hit-or-miss dance night that happens on a regular basis? Stay home.
Does this band play regularly? Can you see them with ease another time? See 'em later!
Is someone coming on tour in a once-in-a-lifetime experience? Do It! Have Fun!

When you finally leave the house, go with a posse! Get some exercise so you're not all pent up, relax a little (with deep breathing or what-have-you) so when you see her, you feel groovy.

Then be cordial, attempt small-talk, and chill out on the other side of the room with your friends.

I wonder if inviting her to some giant event would help ease the tension.
Not as a one on one date, but as one person you're inviting to something where you've invited a lot of people.
Like if you hosted a giant party or art reception and invited her to come in a very polite way, just so she knows the olive branch is there
(but it's not a sexy, desperate olive branch).
Then when you see her you'll have something to talk about
"Hey, How Was that party, sorry I couldn't make it..."
"Oh, it was great! I won the limbo contest!"
"Oh man, I forgot how good you were at Limbo!"

It sounds like you handled the break up with grace. I trust that you can handle these social interactions the same way.

Dear Nicole,
I'm poor. I want to make money, and I already have a
job, but that's just barely paying the bills. How do I make some loot
without selling myself on the streets??

Well there goes my first response.

Selling yourself on the streets is underrated.

If you want to sell yourself at home, I suggest the lucrative field of phone sex, where you can make $18 an hour to "ooh" and "ahhh" while you watch t.v. with the captions on.
It's a ground floor way into the lucrative adult industry, and all without ever having to see someone ejaculate!

If that's not your vibe, you'd better start honing another talent.

Are you good at thrifting or fixing things up? Sell things on Etsy or to consignment shops!
Ask your friends if they need help with odd jobs, heavy lifting, house painting, cleaning, etc. Put your vibes out there, let people know, and they will respond.

When I needed extra money last year, I posted some ads on Mama message boards and started babysitting.

If you really want money , I would look around and see if any call centers are in your area, and work a night job.

Have I worked the 11p.m. to 4 a.m. shift at the Disney Catalog ?
Yes I have.

Other ideas:

Lemonade stand, everlasting yard sale, dog walking, pet sitting, chicken sitting, coop cleaning, tabling with your crafts at shows, entering karaoke contests.

dear nicole,
i have an amazing dear-to-me sweetie, and we're in a fulfilling and healthy open relationship.
i also have a really good friend that i'd like to make out with again, but am hesitant.
not sure why.
just a vibe, even though there's clear communication on all sides, and permission/encouragement from my sweetie.
underneath i feel a sense that yes, while it's totally fine, it would disappoint my sweetie in some way.
i've asked a dozen times if there are any issues to discuss and always get reassurance, but when there are in-person encounters with the three of us i see a bit of something in my sweetie's eyes that make me want to run over, give her a big hug, and tell her it's not worth it if she's really not okay.

do i believe her and make out, or should i ask a thirteenth time just to be sure?

sincerely,
reading into things

Hi reading into things,

Is it worth it?
If the amount of processing and pre-guilt that has already happened in a sign of what's to come, I would choose someone else to make out with who's less loaded.

Perhaps the fact that you're returning to this person makes your partner feel unstable.
Perhaps the friendship is the problem.
Maybe they feel weird because they know you'll be spending lots of time connecting with this person (as friends) when you're not making out, and that's threatening. Or they know making strict boundaries with the person (if things go wrong) is off the table.

Perhaps it makes YOU feel unstable & you're projecting onto your partner.

Who knows.
I'm just making blind stabs.
The bottom line is:
Is it worth the processing time?

Just thinking about your situation gives me the makings of an anxiety attack, and so I say no.
But that's just me.

Good Luck!
And may the Poly be with you.

Hey there!
OK so my question is...
I have a friend who is now currently making music.
She just learned how to play some basic guitar, bought a fancy ProTools thing for her computer, etc.
She now is obsessed with playing me her music.
I think it's great that she's learned a new skill and blah blah, but I really hate her music. The lyrics are terrible and trite, trying to be funny at times and failing miserably...the ONE time I even offered a slightly not-so-good reaction, she got really mad and it was a whole huge ordeal.

I could deal if this was like a once a month thing, but lately it's been every time we see each other (about once a week) the bulk of the time is spent with her playing her music for me and then looking at me for my reaction.

How do I deal with this? I really hate her music, but don't quite want to hurt her feelings. Thank you!

Hi There.
Good question, and How Horrible for you!
I once had a roommate who would corner me and play me his romantic acoustic guitar songs ("This one's inspired by Shakespeare") for 10-15 minutes a stretch,
while MAINTAINING CONSTANT EYE CONTACT THE ENTIRE TIME.
I felt like an insecure dog, looking away and trying to break his gaze, all the while attempting to figure out what sort of face I was supposed to be making.

I'm going to break my advice for you into two parts.

1. The Music:

You're not going to LIE, per se, but you are going to avoid giving her a critical review.
Maintain courtesy & respect, and employ your cleverness to think of a way to respond.
"It's very You",
"You're very prolific lately. It's nice to see you so excited." ,
"Your songs have a really cohesive sound",
or pick a part you like
"Nice drum solo!".

Try to figure out a way to be her cheerleader without lying.
Because you like your friend and you want to keep her around. No one wants to hang out with someone who harshes their mellow.

Also, it's not like you have to put your name on the album (hopefully), and lots of people like bad music, so maybe she'll find a niche for herself.

2. Hanging Out:

Can you ask her to just make you a tape or something, so you don't have to sit there with a frozen smile the whole time?

She may not bite, so
You're going to have to meet out on the town for a while.

Movies, Art openings, out for drinks, and parties. If she tries to corner you into hanging out at home, tell her you're beating the wintertime blues by heading out on the town, or that you'd really like to show her this new place or great film!

Hopefully she'll find another friend to torture with her music, or will play a show and find a scene soon so you can go back indoors and be her normal friend again!

A Call for Questions!

2011-01-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

Hellooooo Out There.

Another school year is upon us, and so your faithful advisor has been laying low and letting you sort out your own sordid details.

Until Now!

A very important question came into my box, and I'm looking for a few more to beef up the column, so please send them in!

Want to know what to do while your roommate's have loud you-know-what?
How's about discussing beard hair left on the sink?
Want to make a pass at your postman ?

WRITE TO ME!

I'll be posting responses This Wednesday, January 12th.

xoxo
n.g.

Boiling a frog and other live advice for adults only.

2010-11-07T13:19:00.000-08:00

Hello!
First, I must disclose that I'm on the tail end of a cold and a little bit out of it. What better time to drum up some answers? If you find a sentence that makes no sense or looks composed by an infant, please blame it on the fog in my head this chilly November afternoon.

I had a live show with Play/Start and Eighteen Individual Eyes last month,and I wanted to share the advice questions & answers with you.
My next event will be at Mississippi Pizza on Thanksgiving Eve, so show up with your anonymous crabs questions in hand!

What can I say to Bank of America to make them (or an employee) un-close my account?? They're EVIL!!!

I would guess that you did something to merit your account closing. In either case, whether you were in the right or the wrong, just take your money to a credit union or a coffee can under your bed. Who wants to deal with Bank of America anyway?

For my 30th birthday next weekend should I get wasted downtown and do a queer takeover of the Barracuda Club or go apple picking?

You've made it this far without getting gay bashed, so why change all of that by showing up to the mouth of beast on your thirtieth birthday?
I say don't chance it. Go apple picking during the day and go to someplace that naturally accepts you, like a queer dance night, at night. No need to feel tension or hate-vibes on your big day!

I'm a transgendered guy but my wife doesn't know. Should I tell her? If so, how?!

I'm pretty sure this is a fake question. It's 2010, this question was submitted on stage at a gay music night in Portland, Oregon, and you're no Billie Tipton.

But in the case that you are, I say go with it. She probably already knows on some level and is living in a deep state of denial. Don't deny her that. Turn off the lights, warm up the apparatus, and enjoy your time together.

OR MAYBE (a la Clue, I'm going to give you a second ending)

MAYBE you got married as lesbians and now you want to come OUT as a trans dude? In which case, try casually testing the waters by showing her pictures of hot trans guys on Facebook and gauge her reaction.

Try starting a conversation about bi-sexuality and see where it goes.

Like a frog in a pot of boiling water, just turn up the heat a little every day. Try packing one day, binding the next! Wear a moustache to bed or a backwards baseball cap!
Then give her some kava kava to loosen up and tell her that your destiny is to be a guy.
She'll either be in or she won't, but hopefully by the time you spill the beans you'll be prepared for her response.

Lately I've noticed that I find more and more items from places like Sears or JC Penny's to be increasingly cute/ desireable. Is this because design is getting better... or is it because I'm getting older?
signed, M.I. Frumpy

Dear potential Frumpster,
I personally think that fashion is swinging our way right now (the fashion of Gretchen Jones aside). There are cute things happening at Sears and JC Penny! You aren't necessarily a frumpster just yet.
If you want to keep it real, get a punk haircut or a facial tattoo or something. Then now matter if you're wearing an over-sized cowl neck sweater or not, you'll still feel connected to youth culture.

I prefer clear cut bush- what's the most tactful way to ask a dating partner to take it down to the skin?

Eek!
Like I recommended to a previous advice-seeker, I say get your date a little bit tipsy and look at some photos together.
Or start a discussion or a fake anectdote :
"Oh, I heard that so and shaves their crotch completely! It sure seems smooth, and what a way to cool down in the summertime....." something like that.
See what she thinks.

Start slow with some trimming shears, maybe a hair cut, then introduce shaving cream. Say it's a kink! See what she thinks.
But I warn you not to shear an unwilling participant. Better to find an already bald partner than to scar a bush-lover for life.

When you're in a relationship, should you throw out all the sex toys you've used with old girlfriends and get all new ones?

Yes and no.
If you have an apparatus you purchased WITH someone else, like you both gripped it and agreed on girth, pooled your money or bought it as a present for the other, then yes- don't be a cheapskate, just throw it away.

New money will come to you , and it's better than having the ghost of christmas past attached to your phallus.

HOWEVER, perhaps you have one that you bought on your own, string-free, and have used here and there along the way. I think you can keep that one in good faith. (Boil it, duh).

Ultimately, it's up to your new lover.
If they say scrap it, or don't want your par-boiled thing around, just pony up the money for something new.
Light a money candle, spin around three times , and you'll find a way.

What should I name my baby?
Thanks! - Jane Doe

Oh that's easy. Just name it Crackers, like Divine's baby in Pink Flamingos. A better baby name I cannot imagine.

I have a coworker who insists on bringing her pennywhistle to work and playing it! She is so proud of her penny whistle-playing skills , but really it is just annoying to everyone. What can I do to stop the pennywhister without hurting her feelings? Sincerely, not a penny lover

Sorry Radical Honesty yahoos, but this will require a bit of lying.
Just walk in one Monday holding your ear and say you either have an ear infection or blew out your ear drum at a concert over the weekend.

Say that any high pitched noises will cause you a world of pain. The penny whistler will either get the hint, or you'll have a "genuine" medical excuse to politely ask her to can it.
Keep it up for a while and eventually the whistle will stop coming to work at all.

If she resurrects her parlor trick later on, just grab your ear and fall to the floor, blaming it on your bum ear.

What is the best comeback?

This is for someone you've been seeing, or even live with.
If they try to break up with you , just say

"Oh... I didn't even know we were dating. Whoa... this must be awkward for you..." .

I think I've given this advice before in a previous column , but it still stands up.

I need to get rid of the tiny ants in my kitchen. Cayenne & citrus haven't worked!
Sincerely, Ants in my Pants

Put some borax in some honey and leave it out for them. The ants will eat it, grasp their little throats and go "!!!!" then keel over. It worked for a lady I babysat for, it can work for you.

What is a good tattoo idea?

An anchor. Or a realistic picture of a bird.

What should we consider if we want to use her brother's sperm to make a baby inside me? How do we keep him "uncle" and not "Dad" ?

Consider using a lawyer and making it clear that he's not "Dad".

My genitals itch. What's up?

You probably have a yeast infection.

No, Seriously. My genitals itch. What. Is. Up!?

YOU PROBABLY HAVE A YEAST INFECTION!!!
Go to the Doctor ,
OR , if you self diagnose as yeast, skip the garlic-on-a-string and go get some Monistat.
Also, don't ride your bike for a week or two.

When giving a dude a hand job what do I do with the balls?

Do nothing with the balls unless asked.
They're really tricky, and kind of delicate, so err on the side of caution and touch them not!
Or just ask. In a sultry whisper way...

How do I tell my neo-nazi friends that I'm jewish? Do you think they'll still like me?

Fake question. Again, received at a queer music night in Portland, Oregon.
Don't have neo nazi friends is my answer.
Also, don't bring neo nazis to a queer show! Leave us out of your poor friend choices! I don't wanna be gay bashed!

How come "fingernails" are so taboo to discuss casually with lesbians & straights? -Baby Dyke

Because Lesbians use their fingers to have sex.

If your straight friends continue to quiz you on it, tell them to
Try putting a press-on-nail on the tip of a penis and let you know if it's still even a question.

BTW I got a thing in the mail about femme fisting with fingernails (By Jessika Fancy, courtesy of Jami "No Better Voice" Thompson) I'd like to share with you, dear readers.

Put cotton balls in the fingertips of a glove (a latex glove, not a dish washing glove, ahem) and THEN you can put your well manicured fingernails into the glove and go to town on your partner's genitals. Hmm!

The more you know.

I think my new boss wants in my pants. I kind of wants in hers. I don't like my job but I kinda like my boss. Thoughts?

Wait until you've put in your 2 weeks notice to ask your boss out for after-work drinks. Doing your boss before then is nothing but trouble.

Some points on grace?

I don't have a lot. BUT , say please and thank you and don't talk about people's friends in public. That's it. Oh, and cross your legs.

CONFIDENTIAL TO SCENESTERS BEHAVING BADLY:
what to do when someone you know behaves irresponsibly and fucks over your friend and then you see them around town and want to tell them that they suck?

ps - and they are friends of people you like?

This is a good time to exhibit some grace!
You could either
A) Be polite to them in public. Not overtly friendly , just polite. Just, "Hi" and a smile or something.
or
B) If you're feeling passionate, approach them online or alone and say "Hey, I really wasn't into this thing I saw happen between you and so and so, and if I act weird to you, it's because I'm trying to be supportive of them. "

Maybe they'll tell you something you don't know about the situation, who knows. Or maybe they'll just understand and you'll have some space and that will be that.

You don't have to be all Mean Girls about it, just be an adult. Let them know how you feel (or just act polite), and move on. Focus more on being a friend to your friend and an enemy to their enemies.

THE END.

"I have a crush on a vampire..."

2010-08-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

Live advice from 2010 Sister Spit tour with special guest Leo Plass

I'm Back

2010-07-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

Hello Readers, Happy Summer!

Please enjoy the archives of Ask Nicole,
and send any burning questions my way.

Sincerely,

n.g.

2009-11-16T15:25:00.001-08:00

I was an asked to do an advice table at the library's Keep Portland Weird Fest last weekend. I may do a comic about it in the future, but for now, here is a list of questions I received, as well as a comic by one of them, which I found online the next day.

Please note that children were apt to ask me questions not related to advice, but to facts like "What is the longest word in the dictionary?", and adults often mistook me for a psychic. Men tried to challenge my "America's Smartest Girl" title, and/or told me I looked pretty before assuring me they weren't being creepy, just telling me.

*******Here they are, 37 quandaries from Portland, Oregon:***********************

Will I find love in the next 3 months?

My hampster died, should I get a new one?

Why did Abraham Lincoln try to save America?

How do I meed Conservative women, as an Atheist?

Does this guy at school like me?

How many days are in a year, because I forget.

Should I leave my job in late December or early January?

My roommate's cat has pneumonia, what can we do to make her comfortable while she finished her antibiotics?

Should I get another dog?

Should we get a new car?

What is the meaning of life?

What should I give my wife for Christmas?

Should I go to Cuba to go to medical school for free?

Should I join the military to pay for school?

My baby waked up 10-15 times per night, what can we do?

Should I meet a guy that I've been talking to on the internet?

My friend keeps meeting guys who just use her. She wants a boyfriend. How can I help her?

What kind of birthday party should I have?

(getting mistaken for a psychic): Should I do the move I've been thinking of?

Is it more important to do something or to have people approve of what you do?

What's the meaning of life (x2)?

How to know yourself?

What's the longest word in the dictionary?

What do you do after you squash a bug?

How many seconds are in 5 weeks?

Should I go to California for my birthday?

What hairstyle should I have?

How do I get women to like me?

How do I make friends in Portland ? (x3)

What can I do for my mentally ill neice?

What makes Portland Weird?

Where is the best place for candy?

How do I find investors for my children's book project?

My girlfriend likes to stare at me. How do I handle this?

Super Mega Advice with special guest TJO

2009-11-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

After months of hoarding questions I bring you a jam packed edition of Ask Nicole. An advice round table with special guest Tara Jane Oneil. Tara Jane Oneil is a musician ,but wants me to say "Tara Jane is a friend with really great ideas who is looking for work in Portland this winter." Find her here.

Please come and visit me this Saturday at the Central Library. I'll be doing a free advice table from 12-4 p.m. at Keep Portland Weird Fest. Please please ask me questions because I fear this fest will draw many hackey sacking dudes in jester hats. Thank you.

ALSO, Tonight is the Invincible Summer Calendar Release Party & Squashluck at Reading Frenzy. 7p.m. with special musical guests Key Losers. Bring a squash dish to share! I'm making zucchini bread. Reading Frenzy is providing pine cones to make bird feeders out of. Big Fun!

Now, your questions.

(p.s. thanks to whomever referred to me as a "lazy bitch" in a comment for not answering their question right away. very cool. )

Hi nicole,
So i know lesbian relationships are prone to linger on and on... First girlfriends, exs, then friends, then not friends, etc.

I've had a girlfriend for about a year, but I find myself thinking about my Ex who just stopped talking to me (we left it as "friends")
I only assume she did this because she is happily dating someone else, but I'm left guessing. She wasn't right for me as a gf, and we had a plethora of drama and problems. But I liked her as a friend and person.
Do I just try to overcome my hurt and move on (again?)
When I invest in people in my life, I find it hard to just accept they aren't going to be there in the future.

Thanks,
Lezzie lovelorn

NG: I am going to harp on the Open Hand Concept this week.
The Open Hand Concept is this: It is better to have an open hand and have someone (picture a bird) land there and stay there because they want to and you're providing a pleasant environment , rather than you closing your fist around them to make them stay.

Please keep this image in mind as you let your ex girlfriend fly away to do other things. If you were meant to be friends, she will return some day.

As for you Finding It Hard to Accept that the people you "Invest In" aren't going to be there forever, you need to understand that this person was not a retirement account that you were socking money away in.
They were a human being with the freedom to be around you or not based on how the relationship went. If you had lots of problems during the intimate relationship then the idea of you bouncing back into a lasting friendship right away is pretty unrealistic.

TJ: Sounds like she's pretty focused on the future. She's got to reign it in. Be patient. Be in the now. Outcome, blah la la la la. Reign it in lady, reign it in.

Dear Nicole,
Okay, I'm 17 and started to date my ex's best friend, who is 21.
Things started off well, as in he would usually answer my calls/texts and we would hang out almost everyday.
Oh, keep in mind he's a dj and trying to get his name out there.
Now, about a month and a half into the relationship, he stopped calling me back and stopped responding to my texts. He also would say he wanted to see me, but then never call.
So I was getting hurt every weekend and then he would apologize, blah blah blah. He also told me he loved me, even though we didn't sleep together or anything like that yet.
I'm so head over heels for him it's not even funny.
But last weekend, he suggested that we try the whole relationship thing in a couple months, once he gets everything settled with his music.
And then he tried to make plans with me but never called.
So I left him a message saying we shouldnt talk, he should do his thing and when he's ready, I'll be here.
I also told him I wasn't confident that he was coming back...did I do the right thing?
And do you think that he's legit in saying that he's going to come back to me and that he loves me?

Sincerely,
Confused.

TJO: Oh no he's not! Dear Underage Drinker, you did the right thing. it's very good of you to say "we should talk in a couple of months". You have to exhume your soul and pride from this dude who's givin' you nothing. What a chump! He's out blowin' records every night and she can't even get into the club! He knows this.

NG: Dear Confused, Please don't sleep with this guy.I have dated some performers in my time, even some DJs, and their career had little to do with whether they answered my calls or not. This guy is a dork and you need to move on. Make other plans on the weekend with friends who will nourish your soul and make you feel awesome.

You are a valuable commodity. Don't let someone treat you like less than that.
Right now, DJ Douche Bag is stringing you along with only scraps. You don't deserve his scraps, you deserve the whole dinner, and if you treat yourself with respect and ask for what you want, you will get it! Maybe not from him. Ask the universe. You will get what you deserve.

Reference the open hand policy (see above).

NG: Tara, would you say , as a musician, that "getting your name out there" has nothing to do with...

TJO: with having a relationship? yeah. It's a convenient excuse to ditch her because she can't participate in him "getting his name out there at all". He's full of shit.

TJO: ask her if he has a pony tail.

Hello Nicole,

How do I meet women? I'm a queer woman in her mid-twenties living outside Philadelphia. I've tried MeetUp.com (participants all too old or taken), OKCupid (women seem to post profiles but never actually date anyone), going to lesbian bars (this is a terrible idea), and roller derby (everyone was straight?!). All of my friends through college were straight and had mainly straight friends, and I never took the initiative to get involved with the campus GLBT group so now I'm feeling left adrift in the real world. It doesn't help that I have terrible lesbian-dar and flirting skills.

What can you recommend to someone in my situation?

Thanks very much,
Q and A (queer and adrift)

TJO: I don't know . i haven't figured it out either. you're gonna have to start this one Nicole because you know how to do it.
Tell her to host a squash fest. Dear Squash Fest, come put your finger in my pie.

NG:Your first step is to befriend some lesbians, because befriending straight people isn't going to get you anywhere.

TJO: She's going to have to go to some unfortunate lesbian music shows.

NG: She should table at a show or something. (Note to reader: By this i mean setting up a table with pamphlets to give away or zines to sell or baked goods to sell for a cause. Then people will come and talk to you. )

TJO: Skip it and have a kissing booth. Kissing Booth at unfortunate lesbian music shows.

NG: Look on facebook and try to befriend some local lesbos, but not in a creepy way. Don't be pushy. Go to the events that they post.

TJO: Oh yea.

NG : Start organizing or getting involved in things that a lesbian might like to go to.
Click on the picture of the lesbian at the top of your question. Follow the link to Philadelphia's resource center for GLBT youth and volunteer for them.
Oh! Duh.
Find the local Rock n Roll Camp for Girls. Volunteer there. That place is teeming with feminists and lesbians.

Dear Nicole,
A few components to understand before deciphering my question(s).

1) I dated a cocaine addict whom I successfully helped off of cocaine for the 4 months we dated. Then she cheated on me.

2) I had never been cheated on.

3) I broke up with her and pledged to never speak again after bloody my fists on multiple inanimate objects.

4) I was successful at silence for a month until last Saturday night when she freaked out on me to my dismay as she was coked out and punched me in the face repeatedly, which turned me on (I'm sadomasochistic) so she proceeded to drive me back to my house, punch me yet again, then we kissed, and she left.

Now I am haunted with how small this city is and the nightmares of this beautiful fucked up girl. As I keep running into her and there is the awkward adrenaline and I have to flee! I have two questions,

#1 How do I avoid feeling awkward when I see her and remain without saying a word?¿

#2 How come there are no real screamo babes in Portland?¿

Sincerely,
An Overly Sensitive Dumb Wit

PS
Bonus Question
Why is it the people that actually care that get fucked over the most!?¿

Dear AOSDW:

NG: If I found a feral dog with rabies on the street, walked it around on a leash for a day, and then got bit in the face by said rabid feral dog, would I have any right to complain that I just cared too much and got fucked over? No! I wasn't using common sense.

It is not the people who care that get fucked over the most. Amma the hugging saint has not, to my knowledge, been punched in the face by a coke head.

If someone has a substance abuse problem, you are not going to be the one to help them. They need to help themselves, which means getting into treatment. The power of love ain't gonna do it. Don't be foolish.
It was good of you to make a boundary with this person after you broke up. Keep it.

TJO:
Isn't there some BDSM club here that she could join and learn to do things right?
Maybe?
Safe and sane, isn't that the slogan? She isnt' doin any of that. She needs to go to some meetings.

NG: Two meetings for you: ALANON and Bad Girls PDX (which I attended once and met everyone from people into getting spanked by a leatherclad Angelina Jolie all the way to a 24/7 SM person wearing a collar whose master controlled every aspect of their life).
Getting punched in the face by a coke head isn't BDSM, necessarily.
It is low self esteem mixed with domestic violence.

TJO: well said.

TJO: She was also punching inaminate objects. she bloodied herself. ALANON is a good place to start. Therapy, ALANON. for those things. for the punching and the lady, go to a BDSM club and do it right. Safe and Sane. That little slogan is so good. Sane.

Dear Nicole,

My partner dumped of 5 months me the day before yesterday. It was
quite out of the blue for me, pretty shocking. I thought we just
needed a little time apart to get back to our separate lives a little
more, and as we sat down to have a Serious Talk and I began to mention
this, he blurted,
"I don't want to be in a relationship with you. I think it's run its course."
When I tried to press him for reasons he sort of shrugged,
and when I tried to ask him about how long he's felt this way he said:
"i dunno, a while."
I was "warned" that he was super fickle and not good at committing when my friend hooked us up, but still, it sucks.
so, ok. I live right around the corner from him, and
the quickest (and safest) way for me to bike to work is passing by his
house. we also frequent the same neighborhood spots around where we
live. on top of that, my roommate announced he's moving out and I am
desperately trying to find another roommate, which has not been
successful. I do have the option of moving into a house that's
beautiful and vegan (which I am), but it would be pushing it to afford
it, its kind of out of the way from things, and it's also a
straightedge house, which I am not. ok ok, down to my question: I
really like my current spot, but the emotions and stress are making me
feel that i should just get the hell out of there, but i sort of feel
like i'd be jumping from the frying pan into the fire, so to speak.
any tips on how to evaluate the situation without bursting into tears?
what do you think would be the best option?

Thank you!!!

Sandy Eggo (San Diego) Stresspot

TJO: stay where you live and quit riding your bike past his house all the fuckin' time. done.

NG: Truly, the burden of keeping yourself emotionally well in this situation is up to you. Maybe it's not the quickest route, but if you want to live less drama and heart-ache, take the long route. Stay out of the way of his house.

Don't go the places you know he's going to go. Hang back a little bit and take care of yourself with good friends.

Personally, I think you need to move and get a fresh start.

TJO: Whatever. That's just her runnin' around. Remember when i lived...... oh nevermind.

Dear Nicole,
Can you help explain Julian Schwinger's method of quantum renormalization???

No. That's not advice; but here is the wikipedia article:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_Schwinger

Dear Nicole,
I have a problem that the only people who want to hang out with me on a regular basis are people who like me in a romantic way. I am new to town and have been dating to avoid loneliness but it doesn't feel right. I could really use a nice crew of friends. Can you suggest ways that I can make more friends?
Sincerily,
Lonely Casanova

NG: I say hang out with some people of the opposite gender of those you want to date.

TJO: yeah.

NG: Friendships based on crushes are no good. The "friend" sees you in a weird, candy-coated light and when you don't give them what they want, a surge of resentment will ensue. Yuck! What a waste of time.
Get rid of that sexual tension right away.

TJO: See if you can grow some kind of unattractive, spongey thing on your face. ... just see if you can.

NG: You can usually tell (on some level) when someone wants to fuck you. Do not hang out with people who want to fuck you. Find someone who isn't nervous and twitchy when you're giving them your phone number. Call them "Dude". Give them a hearty pat on the back or refer to them as bro right off the bat. Fart sometimes. Scratch yourself.

TJO : Yeah, that's good. Call 'em Dude. Grow a dumplin' on your face.

Dear Nicole,

My beloved 2-year-old dachshund/beagle mix is gaining a lot of weight, and I'm worried about her back health. She doesn't really over-eat, I think she's not getting enough exercise. I take her on lots of walks and she plays with her doggie friends, but she's not really into chasing balls or toys. How can I get her more interested in exercising? Especially when the weather is so crappy and walks are unpleasant for her. Rainy days=wet & dirty wiener tummy (and she doesn't like to wear clothes, much less a raincoat)!

xo b.

Dear B,
You know I've had several wiener dogs before, and so I come to you with some tough love advice from a place of deep love and dachshund respect. Here it is.

The person controlling your dog's intake of food is..... You.
The person telling your dog whether or not she's going on a walk is.... You.

Take charge, my pack leader friend. Taper Fido's food down a bit (say, by 1/4 cup or so) and don't give in to her wiener whining for snacks in between meals.

Take that girl on a walk every single day.
Don't project your fickleness onto her. I'll bet you one million dollars that to your dog, the excitement of the smells outdoors (whether it's rainy or not) far outweigh the discomfort of a wet wiener tummy. She is still a dog, no matter how small or soulful you think she is.

Keep a towel by the door to dry off her weiner tummy and get her toasty.

It's for her health! You're the boss, in charge of keeping her well, and for a tiny dachshund, that includes saving her back by keeping her fit. Good luck!

Dear Nicole,

How does one go about owning chickens?

I am not at a place in my life where I can do this yet, but I will be
soon, and I want to. I like to think of having chickens and a garden,
because the two go so well together (they eat bugs; they shit out the
bugs and make compost). Also I could become filthy rich selling eggs.

I recently read a New Yorker article about owning chickens that
terrified me, for in it Susan Orleans spends like $10,000 on her
chickens and on a fancy imported chicken house and then her chickens
all die and get eaten by dogs. It seemed very stressful.
Yet when you
write of your chickens it seems peaceful and nice.
How did you get started?
Where did you get your chickens?
How are they housed?
What do
you feed them and how do you give them a water supply?
How do you keep
dogs from killing them?
Don't they peck you when you take their eggs
away and is that scary?
Are they mean?
Do they have names? A
re they
"high-maintenance?"
What if you have to go on a trip?
How much time on
an average day do you spend tending to them?
What if I live in a very
cold place, do I need a special heated henhouse (that one's probably
self-explanatory)?
How long have you had your chickens?

Sincerely,
Chicken Challenger

Dear Chicken Challenger,

I am here to answer your questions!
Let me tackle them one at a time.

How did you get started?

I first got chickens after interning at Farm Sanctuary. I wanted to bring the farm experience back home to Portland, and chickens are the most compact and low-maintenance of all farm creatures (besides bunnies, but I didn't want a rabbit).

Where did you get your chickens?

I considered getting chicks, but the Pistils (the nearest nursery who sold chicks) gets theirs from a giant hatchery, which is just as good a way to support factory farming as eating a bucket of wings. Since I don't eat eggs, I didn't really need a youngster, and so took on some older (3 year old) chickens from a friend.
In later years, I found spent hens by posting on craigslist and trolling for free birds.

How are they housed?

In a coop! Coops can be fun to build. There are many many books and resources for the backyard birder. I like a book called "Keep Chickens!".

What do you feed them and how do you give them a water supply?
You buy sacks of chicken feed from the feed store or nursery. It's usually $10-15 for a 50# bag. You also buy special chicken waterers. It's like a gerbil bottle, but for a chicken's beak.

How do you keep dogs from killing them?

You mostly have to watch out for raccoons and possums. They love to eat chickens. Build yourself a high security coop. You bury the wire and some metal sheeting so the predators can't dig their way in. Remember that chicken wire is good for keeping chickens in, but not for keeping predators out. Get some heavy duty wire. Don't cheap out when constructing your coop. When you let the ladies out to graze, keep them in an enclosed space or a fenced yard. Otherwise, you are inviting trouble.

Don't they peck you when you take their eggs
away and is that scary?

Usually you let the chickens out to graze every morning and snatch their eggs while they're gone. There is something called "going broody", which is when a chicken is under the delusion that she's going to hatch a nest of eggs, and goes sort of psycho when you try to get her out of the nest box. I used a 2x4 to gently push my chicken out of the nest box, locked her out and made her walk around with the other chickens when she was this way. Then i stole her eggs!
Chickens don't usually peck you.
They will even eat out of your hand sometimes.
A chicken peck doesn't hurt. At least not bad enough to be afraid.
A rooster, though? Stay away from a rooster. They've got spurs!

Are they mean?
Only if they're broody or have a mental disorder.

Do they have names?
Usually people give them old lady names.
Once i had a chicken who was very sick. To lift her spirits I changed her name from Bea Arthur to Champion . It worked! She stayed fit as a fiddle for years.

Are they "high-maintenance?"

You have to wake up early in the morning to feed and them, and you have to give the coop a cleaning once or twice a week. You keep a watchful ear out for danger in case of predators (they'll cluck and bawk wildly when scared).
That's it, basically. A Chicken is a pretty easy pet to take care of.

What if you have to go on a trip?
Get a friend to feed them and make sure they are super secure and don't succumb to predators while you're gone.

How much time on
an average day do you spend tending to them?

Twenty minutes to an hour? It depends on whether you clean their box every day or if you let it get super grody (which is bad. it can get rats or insects and it smells just awful. keep it clean!).

What if I live in a very
cold place, do I need a special heated henhouse?

You get a heating lamp for winter. When we had awful ice storms here, some friends brought their chickens in to their basements so they wouldn't get frost bite!

How long have you had your chickens?

I had chickens for about five years before passing them on to a friend who is chicken obsessed. Now they live in the lap of luxury in a fenced in yard full of fruit trees!

Advice from Mexico, re: Butchinsons Disease

2009-07-20T21:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,
I am writing to you from Akumal, Mexico, where I am currently on a writer's retreat with Radar Productions. We are snorkeling and eating avocados and feeding this very tattered Orange Cat (named Orange Cat, hence the capitalization of his name).
I am taking a break from my day of barracuda hunting to answer this very important advice from a woman in need. I got some help on this from Michelle Tea, author of Rose of No Man's Land.
I certainly do appreciate the wisdom of Michelle. You will find her advice right after mine, in italics. It is full of vim and vigor.
LYLASDNQ,
n.g.

Dear Nicole,

My girlfriend’s really social, and we hang out with her friends at least two or three times a week. I get along great with almost all of them, but she's got this one friend I can't stand. I know that this person has good qualities, (for instance, when I asked my girlfriend about them she said she was loyal) but she’s also a chauvinist douchebag.

Sometimes she’s so blatantly stupid and offensive that I can’t stop myself from snapping at her; I think this eggs her on.

I know I’m not alone in finding her incredibly annoying but the general feeling seems to be, “that’s just how she is, she can’t help it”. Short of a mass intervention, nothing’s gonna change.

So she’s an unavoidable fixture in my girlfriend’s circle. Should I skip group gatherings for fear of looking like a bitch? How would you handle it?

Sincerely,
lesbro sexism still sucks

p.s.
I dated the lesbro in question (very very briefly!) and ended it because she's such a jerk (and my g.f. does sometimes tell her friend that she's an idiot.)

Dear LSSS,

There are two tactics here:
1. think of yourself in this situation as a separate human.
not your girlfriend's girlfriend.

i would limit the times i am around this person (make an excuse "i'm tired, i have homework, etc") and when i do have to be around them, treat them just as i would if i were somewhere stag and heard them say something fucked up.
Just don't laugh at their jokes and feel free to embarrass them in public or even in private by intervening on behalf of all women when they say something stupid. even, i dare say,
publicly ask the friends why it's okay when they laugh at something misogynist .

2. your boyfriend needs to stick up for you.

if this person says something that is directed at you or personally offensive and your girlfriend knows it, she needs to pony up. why bother hanging out with people who are so invested in their masculinity if they can't even pull out some chivalry when you need them?

love nicole g.

from Michelle:

Oh, GOD! NOTHING is more tedious and boring than an insecure butch who needs a lot of attention.
Sounds like the douche in question.
There's nothing you can do to give this loser a personality transplant. I'm not impressed by his 'loyalty' — loyalty to what? Is your boyfriend under siege? She seems to have no loyalty to manners, kindness, or common sense.

It's a serious bummer that the rest of the group is being so complacent in the face of this asshole. All you can do is make decisions that prioritize your own comfort, since no one else is going to do it.
Of COURSE you don't have to hang out with hostile people who take a third grader's delight in making you feel bad. Whenever you don't feel up to it, don't join the festivities. If you do partake but find yourself hitting a wall with the bad vibes, split. Give yourself permission to take off the second you feel this jerk getting under your skin.

If people think YOU'RE the bitch, they're shitheads. I know I'm being intense and glib, and that it takes courage to stand up for yourself and feels awful to go against your friend group. But you can do it. You no doubt have your own friend group, hang out with them more. Make friend dates with people in that scene who don't suck. YOU are not the problem here, and if anyone tells you otherwise they need to go to therapy and investigate what bad family dynamics they might be imposing on their friends.

It's good to have standards of what kind of people and what kind of commentary you'll put up with, and I hope the experience of taking this bullshit situation into your own hands feels ultimately empowering, and maybe even wakes the rest of the gang out of their zombie stupor. Good luck, sister!

Cheating and Dicks.

2009-07-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Nicole,

I've been a queer lady for about six years now, and i'm in a pretty solid relationship with an awesome girl. I have no complaints with our sex life, but I was at a show last sunday night; and while i was trying to watch the girl performing i couldn't stop staring at this boy who was standing outside smoking. for the first time in years, i began fantasizing about hooking up with a boy. this boy. I heard him talking to one of the performers outside after the show, and this made me want it even more, but i bit my tongue and went home.
Is it silly that i feel guilty about having these thoughts?
should i tell my girlfriend?

sincerely, Confused Guilt-trip

Dear Confused Guilt Trip,

Hi there.
Even the most hardcore of lesbians have moments where they've thought about dudes.
Okay okay, not ALL of them, but a good portion of them have.
Some of them justify their dude-humping wants by saying they identify as fags themselves, and the rest just eat their feelings of straight guilt and never tell a soul.
You fall into the latter category.
HOWEVER,
I think you should not feel guilty.
Also,
Don't tell your girlfriend.
There is nothing worse than having to deal with the hassle of having your girlfriend question whether or not you are straight.
No amount of frottage can free you once you've put it in her head that a straight dude could bend you over (in a non-faggy way) at any time.

The want for straight sex, in most cases, is a passing thing.
When you look at that guy and think about him boning you, the next thought i advise is to think of how you'd feel the next day hanging out with him and a bunch of his straight dude friends.
That should chase you right back into the ocean, where you'll swim for the Isle of Lesbos again without looking back.
Good Luck.

p.s. Confidential to butch lesbian readers: there is nothing more insufferable for a femme lesbian than the butch who endlessly badgers her about being straight. If she was straight, she would have bolted at the first sight of your sports bra clad bosom. I promise she can tell the difference between you and a dude, and unless heavily medicated , has made a solid decision to fuck you, a woman, BECAUSE SHE IS GAY.

hey nicole,

my partner and i are at a fork in the road. he's got a serious crush on
someone, and was reluctant to tell me about it, until i accidentally
found out (after they professed their crushes to each other). we've
been having problems, and while he says the crush and our relationship
are independent of each other, i feel they're completely related.

i know he loves me but i feel sad he's just not there when we're
spending time together; i know he's thinking about her. as his best
friend, i want to encourage him to follow his crush and his heart, but
as his partner i feel absolutely crushed by the situation. it's a
classic case of the 'emotional affair' but i suspect that's a
narrow-minded view of relationships. what do you think?

confused and crushed

Hi Confused and Crushed.

Your boyfriend's job (as your boyfriend) is to be there for you.
Physically and Emotionally. Whether or not he is in a sea of someone else's pussy. This would be true if you guys were monogamous or otherwise.

I wouldn't worry that he has a crush. It happens to the best of us, and comes with the terrain of being human.
What worries me is that this is coming to pass whilst you are having problems.
What worries me the most is that he is secretly sort of pursuing it and egging on the intrigue.

If your boyfriend wants to be with you in a monogamous way, I say he quits this girl cold turkey until such a time when you feel comfortable or he has doused the flames of his desire (this could be months or years depending on the dude).

If you want to open your relationship up, the best time to do that is when you are tight with each other and trusting. And it doesn't feel like right now is that time. If you decide that it's something you want to do, your dude needs to understand that you will be needing his attentions when you're together, not the scraps he has leftover from the La La Land that accompanies a new, uncomplicated crush.

If your boyfriend chooses none of these options, then ball up and bail out. It takes some courage, but is ultimately better than a life lived on scraps.

Duck Portrait by Ali Liebegott

Support Your Local Advice Columnist

2009-06-11T09:53:00.001-07:00

Hi Friends. Though I have not been giving as much online advice lately, I WILL be giving advice on June 20th with special guest Michelle Tea and at a Live Event!

Please click on comics below for more information. Please come! Bring your problems! All problems will be submitted anonymously, answered publicly.

xoxo
n.g.

Short , unhelpful Advice

2009-05-12T16:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers, I've been busy making comic books with children all week, and am thus feeling very worn out. I wanted to hand you some advice, though, so here you are. Short, sweet, knee jerk advice.
Send me more questions!

Dear Nicole,
as a feminist, what's your take on having a girl's night out? just one or two nights a month where any self identified boys can't come?
- Feminist in Fresno

Dear Fresnan,
Sure, why not. What’s the issue? Of COURSE you should have a girl’s night out.
Don’t trip.

Dear Nicole,
my roommate and her boyfriend have the loudest sex ever. i feel like a prisoner in my own home when they are banging. I can't read or watch tv or even go into my room because of how loud they are!
What to do?
Signed,
Eve S. Dropping

Dear Eve,
Bang the ceiling with a broom when they’re having sex. Or do something to kill the magic so they know you’re listening. Knock on the door and say “You have a phone call”. Or “Do you know where the Anusol is?”

If you want to be more practical,
let your roommate know that you can hear them by dropping some wordage the next day.
“So, sounds like you and Mr. McGillicutty were really getting wild last night. I'm glad that you're , um, 'In Love', but I don't want to hear what you're doing. It's distracting and the sound carries throughout the entire house. “

This is a basic point of maturity and respect. Your roommate is acting in an inconsiderate way and invading your personal space. Give your roommate a little reminder that you're here, you have ears, and they need to get used to it.

side note:
Once I had one very rude roommate who told me it was my problem if I didn’t want to be woken up by my bed rocking from HER getting boned on the other side of the wall.
Now I live alone.

Dear Nicole,
Should I buy a condo or is that just dumb? Cheaper than rent but not the cottage in the woods that I want but cannot afford. Puts my kids in the right school district.
-Confused in Kentucky

Dear Confused,
I don’t know much about real estate, but I say Sure. Why not.
There are no perks to renting, in my opinion.
Buy a condo.
If you hate it, just sell it later. People seem to like condos.
Then you can use the credit you’ve built and maybe buy a (drafty) house (in need of repair) that you like better.

Dear Nicole,
Should I take an anonymous tech job in the suburbs or a public job as a barista at a hip coffeeshop? I am over thirty.
- Quizzical in Quebec

Dear Quiz Master,

As someone with a "cool" job who hasn't eaten a tortilla chip in over a year based on my lack of dental coverage, I say
Take the job in the suburbs.
You’ll have health insurance , there’s room for advancement, and you can set a good boundary between work and real life.

Sincerely,
N.G.

Reverse Psychology (with special guests Graham & Diane) Boom.

2009-05-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Faithful Readers,

This week I am honored to present a video installment of the advice column, starring special guests Graham and Diane.

Graham and Diane are a duo from Toronto who produce my favorite videos on the internet week after week.
I was lucky enough to borrow some of their time to answer your questions about eyeliner, baby talk, and love.

If you would like to see more videos of Graham and Diane in action, please visit them here .

Migraines, Dyke Drama, Polyamory, Wieners and More!

2009-04-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

I have been plagued by migraines the past couple of Tuesdays, and unable to answer your queries. To make up for it, I present you with a super sized advice column this week! Also, I have put an "ADULT ADVISORY" setting on my blog, as I am currently teaching school and want no youngsters traipsing into the advice column reading about rock hard boners. Thank you for your understanding! Hopefully having to admit to being 18 before reading my blog will make you feel like a bad-ass, not just a shifty pervert.
Lovingly,
n.g.

Hi Nicole,

Recently I started seeing a really awesome, sweet guy who's been a friend for a long time. We took things a bit slow (in my world) and went to bed after four or five dates.
It was a disaster.
He wasn't able to maintain an erection and we both ended up frustrated.
He attributed it to nerves and the fact that he hadn't been intimate with a woman in a long time, so I rolled with it and just accepted that the first time isn't always great. But it's happened again...and again. And it turns out this has been a recurring theme for him.
The one time he was able to actually stay hard long enough to fuck me, I have to be honest and say that it wasn't great either. He has a small penis and I barely felt it (I'm a pretty small girl but the last lover I had, I suppose, was a lot bigger and that's what I'm used to). I wanted to get on top so I could come, but changing positions made him lose his erection yet again.
I think his problem might be due to his smoking (which he's trying to quit) and drinking habits. He has agreed to see a doctor about this.
I'm just wondering if perhaps we're just not sexually compatible. If I am perpetually dissatisfied, I won't be a very happy or honest girlfriend.

Is it horribly shallow to break up with someone because of bad sex? I've been in long-term relationships before. I'm a single woman in my early thirties who lives in a big city, loves books, writing, electro, coffee, traveling...and I think I'm okay-looking, too. I want to find a partner for life. This guy is lovely in so many ways. He's bright and funny and creative and we have a great flow of conversation. We have a lot in common. But sex is very important to me and I want to be blown away (no pun intended) in bed. I'm just underwhelmed and frustrated and we haven't even been dating for more than a month now. Do you think it's worth it to stick with it, or just cut my losses and find someone who's awesome, hot, intellectual AND good in the sack?

Frustratedly yours,
X.

Dear X,

Here are your options
1. fight
2. flight

As with all things, don't stick around and complaining like a giant baby if you're not getting what you want. Either commit to be with this guy and try to turn that frown upside down, or leave him alone to find someone who appreciates him the way that he is.
Saying that you're going to be an unhappy and dishonest girlfriend because of his erectile dysfunction is completely ridiculous.
Come on.

If you decide to fight (and i mean this as in The Good Fight, not as in "arguing"), here is my advice:
The wiener does not need to be the main course. It is not the life of the party, and if you give it too much credit, i think you're going to be disappointed. You just need to use your imagination. There are about a million other ways to Have Sex without standard intercourse. Sit on his face. Slap him around. Make him use his hand on you. What-Ever!
Lots of people live their entire sexual lives without giant rock hard boners in play. Join the party!

Regarding his erectile dysfunction:
If you are a hot girl going to bed with a nervous guy and giving off harsh vibes that he is inadequate, what do you think his penis is going to do? It is going to tuck its tiny self back into its shell and hide from your judgmental gaze. If you want to stick around, I say learn to love his small member, make him feel GOOD about it, throw some Viagra in his drink, and see what happens! Nobody wants to "perform" when they feel judged or like they're doing everything wrong. Give this guy some positive energy. He sounds like a nice person.

I would give him a couple of months to Go See A Doctor, and to see if he responds to your new positive attitude.

It is far easier to find a person to have sex with than it is to find someone you're super compatible with.
You could have sex with any dude off the street and find a large member, but someone who is kind and bright and funny and creative and has a good flow of conversation? Not as common.

2. With all that said, you do have option two.
Dude has absolutely no control over his penis being small.
You have the right to get what you want in this world.
If what you want is a naturally large wiener that is ready to go at your beck and call, then I say go for it.
Do this guy the service of leaving him now before things get ugly, and go find some studly dude to service your needs.

Hello Nicole,

Recently, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me by explaining that he had been cheating on me with a male. I was devastated to know that he had cheated and very sad to not be with him anymore, but at the core of it, we are close friends and I wanted to be there for him. He was going through a lot mentally by coming to terms with his sexuality. It took some time, but we are now close friends once more.

The problem that I am having is that since being single, I've had some serious questions about my own sexuality. I'm beginning to explore my own preferences. We've basically been together since I was 14 years old, so I guess I never really realized that I was a lesbian until losing my long-time male companion. He is still very touchy if the end of our relationship is brought up, and is very reluctant to tell me anything about his new relationships. My sexuality is something I would like to discuss with him, but I am afraid that he will be angry and tell me my feelings are just being brought on by the fact that I'm still pretty newly single and still pretty hurt.

I guess the thing is, I would like to discuss what's on my mind about my own sexuality to someone I consider my best friend, but I feel like there is too many bad possible outcomes.

I would love your advice on how to go about this.

Sincerely,

Gay & Gayer

Dear Gay and Gayer,

I know it seems unnatural to no longer be best friends with the person you just spent four of your formative years with, but i have to tell you, it's for the best. Space is natural after a breakup. It helps you both learn to live independently and helps you figure out who you are after all of this, gives you space to view things objectively, be mad, sad, remorseful, whatever, and THEN come back to the friendship with a clean slate. Without taking everything he says to heart, without bringing up old wounds, etc.

So. If i were you I would ask for some space, express that you still love him as a friend and will always be there for him but just need some time to get your head on straight (har har),
and THEN start your new career as a lesbian!

Once you do, I suggest giving some tips on sex without a dick to person X (see above advice), because she apparently needs it.

Welcome to the Isle of Lesbos! It's nice to have you here.

Dear Nicole,

I've started dating a really cute girl. She's very smart and also funny and likes to do cool things like eat food, walk around the city, and make out with me for five hours. She has a girlfriend and they're polyamorous and I am wondering, what's the etiquette around asking her what their boundaries are? Is this a second date conversation? A third date conversation? An after we have sex conversation? But, what if the boundary is no third dates? Or, no actual sex? Shouldn't I know everything I could ever possibly need to know immediately? Or is it not my business? At what date does it become my business?
Signed,
Sister Wife
PS I know you hate polyamoury.

Dear Sister Wife,

Though I am a hater of polyamory, it's only through years of trial and error; so while bitter, i still feel equipped to answer your question.

While it is the responsibility of the person IN the primary relationship (herein referred to as your Really Cute Girl) to communicate and keep the boundaries she set with her partner, it doesn't hurt to cover your ass by asking up front.

I say, you should ask once going to first base. Ask if what you're doing is allowed. And while you're at it, what else is allowed? Disallowed?
It may be disappointing to find out you'll never get a third date, but it's like ripping a Bandaid off- find out up front so you're not devastated later when she has to cut things off or leave you hanging on the verge of sex when she remembers that she's not allowed to fuck you.

You can choose whether to ask her all these things over dinner or whilst in the throws of first base.
Just remember the old t.v. PSA jingle:
"The More You Knowwwwww" .

Dear Nicole,

I'm 5' 9 and 110 pounds, an art student in a big city, and am
constantly running around. I've been skinny all my life and have dealt
with many people putting their two cents in on the subject: from
teachers pinching me and frowning on the street to first dates watching
me closely over dinner (for god's sake I'm nervous!).
I always defended myself, knowing I'm not anorexic and I eat when I'm
hungry.
But since I moved away for school it's gotten worse. I am constantly
working and being so busy that I easily forget to eat. (I am also a
smoker).
The happiest I was about my weight was when I was in Europe for 3
weeks, last winter. I had no responsibilities, and was able to eat
wonderful big meals 3 times a day out at nice restaurants. I gained 12
pounds and it was awesome.
Back here though, I can't afford the convenience of eating out and I
have no energy to cook anything. Because I can get away with it I'll
spend money on art supplies over food. It's horrible feeling as though
I can't take care of this basic need that is such a no brainer.
What's worse is I tell my friends I'm trying to gain weight and
everyone doesn't want to hear it. "Don't let anyone hear that", "Why?
Want to switch places?". I've been trying to eat more but it's not
easy--stress eats up my hunger.

Starving Artist Not Starving

Dear Starving,

I don't get what your question is, Starving Artist Not Starving. It sounds like you ARE starving, because you said you don't eat.

Though it may sound at first exhausting, I would like you to stop and take in people's commentary as genuine concern.
Women in America are valued for their bodies, and thus many starve themselves into being as thin as they can to get the rewards that go along with this.
With this knowledge in mind, people who don't know you well, but genuinely want the best for you, may be hoping that somehow they're helping or de-enforcing the praise that society bestows on the thin.
Think of taking in their sincere motivation as You being zen. Or somehow enlightened.

It could also be said that it is none of people's business what you do with your body, and so please could they just leave you alone.

With that said:

Quit spending food money on art supplies.

Make a food budget and stick to it.
Don't buy art supplies with your food money, or you could do irreparable damage to the only thing keeping you on this earth: Your Body.
That's it. That's all that is keeping you here. It won't last forever.

If you aren't eating, you aren't thinking clearly, and your art is suffering.
Keep snacks around. If you don't like to cook, but you know you'll get hungry, go buy some Luna bars or Lara bars, or snack mix or crackers and keep them within arm's reach at all times so that at the very least you don't slip into a blood sugar coma in between meals.

Find at least one friend whom you can confide in and talk to about your struggles with food or judgment. Tell them that you need to be really honest with them without getting weird comments, and that if they are deeply concerned about their weight of course they should tell you, but otherwise, you just need a friendly ear and someone to stuff some trail mix in your mouth if you get too busy to snack.
Let them keep you in check.

Take care.

Dear Nicole,

Do the straights have drama like the gays have drama? Is there any drama like dyke drama?

Signed, Curious and Curiouser

Dear Curious and Curiouser,

Let me generalize here and say that men are less comfortable talking about their emotions than women.
Take two women and put them together and what do you have? Two people who love talking about their emotions.
AND whose emotions fluctuate , quite literally, with the tides of the moon.
THEN add in some Queer Subculture Extras like polyamory or the fact that everyone's dated everyone else, and you're stuck with days of processing the finest of details and interactions, deconstruction of every word, mood or action, many tears and an abundance of "I Statements".

This formula leads me to believe that dykes have the most drama of anyone.
Or at least, they take would-be drama, blow it up and discuss it to death.
Which seems like more than what most straight people do.

later today!

2009-04-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

sorry for being such a slacker, everybody.
I am dog tired!
New Advice coming soon. I have your questions, I have answers.
Stay tuned.

Look At This Cool 'Zine Guy'

2009-04-10T17:16:00.000-07:00

I have advice on Nerve.com this week!
You can find some zine-related advice from myself, John Marr, Ciara Xyerra, and more!

B12 Vitamins, Brokeness, Prudishness, and Boundaries

2009-04-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Nicole,

I have just moved to a new city, a new country actually, I have been here for almost 2 months now and I still haven't found a job. I'm not being picky, I have a degree and I am experienced and have applying to every fricking job I come across! It's totally depressing and I am slowly but surely running out of money. I was just wondering if you have any advice on what I could do for a bit of cash in the mean time?

Thanks,

Broke.

Dear Broke,

Here are a couple of ideas.

-dress in a weird costume and let people take polaroids with you for money in a -downtown tourist area
-Sell Crafts on the street
-sell baked goods on the street
-babysit
-dog walk
-apply as an on-call caregiver
-become a "phone actress"

Dear Nicole,
I have been dating a woman for a few months now and I have very strong feelings for her. However, we have only had sex one time, early on in the relationship. After that time, she revealed to me that during sex, my male identity was triggering for her (I'm ftm and she has been lesbian identified since she was a teenager and has not dated an ftm before). She obviously cares for me as well as we have continued dating and we are very affectionate in our relationship. I am missing having a sexual connection with her and would like your advice on how to bring this up without feeling like I'm pressuring her or giving her an ultimatum. In no way do I want to coerce her or make her feel like it's her job as my girlfriend to provide me with sexual gratification, but this is something that I'm sad we are not experiencing together. I'm just confused about how to open up dialogue about this and express my sexual desires without seeming like a douchebag. Any help
would be greatly appreciated.

Nonsexual in Northeast (Portland)

Dear Nonsexual,

It sounds like if you want to have sex (and comfortable sex, not feeling-weird-about-your-gender-because-you-might-be-triggering-someone sex), then this is not the person for you.
If you keep dating this person and never have sex again, I'm going to feel really bummed for you.

In a perfect world, the girl you're dating would be writing for advice, not you.
If she is uncomfortable having sex with a man, why date a man? Maybe she thought it would be different because you were an ftm and then realized she was mistaken. The onus is on her to be the responsible one and break up, not to prude out and make you date her anyway!

Being on the other side of a frigid partner is insecurity food. Get out of there!

It is not crazy, selfish, or wrong for you to want to have sex with the person you're dating.
Sex is what takes her from being a friend to being a date.
You're not obligated to stick with someone who's not meeting your needs. That's what dating is for, to suss out potential partners.

What is sex good for? It's good for bonding. It's good for relieving stress. It's good for fun.

This person sounds like a really good friend, not a long term partner.

I would cut and run; but if you want to process about it (which you undoubtedly do since you live in Portland and have used the word dialogue), I would sit her down and say (this is the run-on sentence version):

"hey, i really like spending time with you. i'm sorry to say, i don't think this is going to work out.it doesn't seem like you're comfortable having sex with a man, and i can completely respect that, but you need to respect that i am a man and like to have sex and especially right now need to feel validated as a sexual guy, so i want to keep you in my life as a friend. because i really like you , blah blah blah etc etc. "

Good luck!

p.s. I know you asked for advice on how to approach her, but if after three months you've only had sex once and she doesn't seemed bothered by this, it just doesn't seem a natural match.

Dearest Nicole,

After four solid years of being a vegan, I decided to switch back to vegetarianism. For the most part, my diet hasn't changed much and I still eat the same stuff as before. I love yummy vegan food! mmm...
The reason why I decided to become a vegetarian again is because of this internal debate I've been having (pretty much for the last few years) about whether or not veganism is right. There are so many arguments in support of veganism, showing that it's morally right and sometimes also arguing that it's a more natural and healthier diet than eating meat and dairy. However, there are other arguments that would suggest otherwise. For one, the human body needs B12, which is only naturally found in meat, eggs and dairy products. This kind of destroys the idea that veganism is the *right* and *natural* diet for human beings.

Although, even without any of this information, there's still the issue of animal cruelty on dairy farms. What bothers me the most is the human race's general lack of respect towards other living things and the idea that everything is ours for the taking. Sometimes I feel like if humans just made a point to always treat animals well, even in places like dairy farms, then maybe the idea of eating dairy wouldn't be so bad to me. Because at least there's that respect.

I feel like I 'm rambling. I think of it a lot, though. Maybe I think of it a little too much, but I feel like slightly over-thinking it is still better than just becoming a vegan because that's the hip thing to do. blahhh.

I guess my questions are:

1. What is your take on veganism as a natural, healthy diet for humans and the arguments for and against veganism as the 'right' diet?
2. Would you be more comfortable with the idea of eating dairy if animals were treated well on dairy farms? Or are you just generally against the concept of eating anything from an animal no matter what?

-Vexed former Vegan

Dear Vexed,

I appreciate the amount of thought you've given to the question of how we treat animals and what we put in our body.
That said,
Let me address your pointed questions, and follow up with a short rant.

1. Veganism is a fine diet for humans.
Take a supplement and don't stress about the evolutionary aspects of vegan vs not vegan.
You do plenty of unnatural things every day (ride in an automobile, stare at a computer, hold a cell phone to your head, run on a treadmill, live your life according to clocks and calendars and not the cycles of the sun and moon) , so why draw the line at a b12 supplement and leave the animals to get fucked with?

While i'm at it, how "right" or natural is it for animals to live in cages their whole lives for human convenience and profit?

If you're going to get Adam and Eve about things, you need to go all the way or just take responsibility for arbitrarily taking evolution into consideration. If you want to eat cheese because it's easier, just say so.

2. I live in America, and so 99.9% of the dairy and eggs I come across will be from factory farms.
Thus, I need not ponder question number two. It's like asking if i was in a raft with a cow , would I eat him to survive? I never plan to be at sea with a cow, let alone in a life raft, so why wonder.

Here is my issue , VfV, with people who start incorporating cheese and eggs into their diets. Say at first you just buy goat cheese at the natural grocery store, you buy free range eggs, etc.
Once it's Okay in your mind to see these things as food, it's a slippery slope from scrambles at home to scrambles at restaurants. And most, MOST restaurants use the cheapest, most efficient dairy and eggs available to them. Thus, you are supporting the meat and dairy industry. Same with bakeries, candy bars, etc.

Maybe you have your own chickens, maybe you live in the hills of Italy with an abundance of milk giving goats who don't mind you taking a little off the top. Sure then, have an egg and cheese sandwich.

Otherwise, please remember that Free Range eggs come from chickens who are forced to lay eggs until their bodies are used up and then butchered for soup and pot pies, and that dairy is taken from animals who've been forcibly impregnated and then had their calves, kids, etc taken away from them. The milk is made to feed their young. Not me.

Dear Nicole,

I'm 25. I slept with an 18 year old high school senior. Is Jesus sad?

signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

Yes. Go find someone your own age to sleep with.

Dear Nicole:

I have been friends with this guy for close to four years now. I told him last year how I felt about him and he admitted that he felt the same way and that I deserved someone better than him and then denied saying that.
Although it was painful for me to be so honest, he continued to be my friend and now considers us to be best friends (his words not mine).
He seems to be getting what he wants and I’m just confused. He cares about what my friends think of him, he pays me compliments which I can’t take. He and I are constantly hitting each other and I sometimes feel like its middle school again and he is trying to pull my pigtails. Whenever I have liked someone before and it didn’t go anywhere, I avoided those guys like the plague to let myself get over it. But he... he doesn’t disappear. When I don’t want to talk about something... he keeps pushing until I talk about what is bothering me. He is always around and I find I can’t move on. I need
to move on but he is big part of my life now. I care about him a great deal... but I don’t think its enough. How do you tell someone that they are doing you more harm than good? How do I explain that his actions towards me at times is not ‘best-friend’ behavior?

What’s a girl to do?

Dear Girl,

This guy seems great at getting his friendlationship needs met , but what about you? Where did your needs go in this situation?

Do you really want to date a guy who "keeps pushing" when you don't want to talk about something?
I know i have limited information, but he sounds like a boundary crosser.
Also, If dude doesn't have the confidence to date you, if he needs to act like a child around you, or if he wants to dominate your time without giving you what you want, then i say Cut Him Loose. If it turns out that someday he's ready to date and you guys are a match, it will just happen.
In the meantime,my advice (in the words of the very wise sts):
TURN THE PAGE.

If i were you , I would e-mail him and say
"Hey, I need some space from you right now. I'm not mad at you, but i need some time . Thanks."

Then stop picking up the phone when he calls, do not agree to have "a meeting" or fall for any of his manipulative b.s.
Be Strong!

If he was the dude for you he would have actually jumped on your request to date, not strung you along and pushed your boundaries. Find some guy that listens to your needs, respects them and gives you what you want in life.

Special Guest Michelle Tea on Potheaded Fathers

2009-03-31T14:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,
My "powerhouse" is truly smoked this week from doing too many pilates. So tired am I , that I am passing off this week's advice column to Special Guest Michelle Tea, author of The Chelsea Whistle, Valencia, and Rent Girl.
You can find Michelle and myself on the Sister Spit European Tour this September, or as she traverses the U.S. in October!

In the meantime, I'll try to do fewer "Seal Puppy" exercises next week, so that my brain will be functioning to answer your queries.

Sincerely,
N.g.

Dear Michelle,

When I married my husband last year I was pregnant and he promised, promised, promised me that he would quite smoking weed once baby was born... He did manage to for a bit, but baby rearing is kind of stressful and the sobriety didn't stick. Whenever I mention that his smoking bugs me he gets very angry and yells and attacks my personal flaws (like that I leave dishes in the sink, don't take the trash out ever and generally do not keep the house clean enough). I sometimes try to avoid bringing things up b/c of this reaction, but baby is getting bigger and she loves daddy and wants to do/say/act just like him and this really concerns me b/c there is a strong family history of substance abuse on his side of the family. Do you have any ideas on how to proceed, when hubby doesn't want to spend any $$ on Marriage Counseling?

Sober Wifey

Dear Sober Wifey,

There is a twelve-step program for people whose partners won't go to a
twleve-step program. It's called Al-Anon. Check it out! It's
recommended that people go to like six different al-anon meetings in a
close time span, because different meetings have different vibes so you
should observe out a few before you make any conclusions. Like, some
al-anon meetings recite the serenity plan everytime someone sneezes,
and have very tight, controlled, humorless vibes. Maybe you won't like
that one. Others have super wise, deep and helpful vibes, and some have
light hearted
look-at-us-laughing-at-our-problems-cause-we've-got-such-rad-recovery
vibes (those ones tend to have lots of members who are also alcoholics
and/or gay men). Basically, you go to al-anon and get a waaaaaaaaay
better practical understanding of how to deal with the fact that you
can't control your husband's pot smoking and nothing you can do or say
will ever make him stop, because he's an addict, and addicts only get
sober on their own time, if they ever get sober at all. Basically,
addicts HATE when you sort of point out that oh maybe they are um
addicts, and pot addicts are among the worst because so many people are
in denial about the fact that pot is a drug and potheads are drug
addicts and that it has an affect on the quality of their lives and the
lives of the people close to them. But your happiness doesn't need to
be al
l tied up in his bong! Sit in on some al-anon meetings, raise your
hand as a newcomer, try not to barf in your mouth when everyone holds
hands and says the Unity Prayer, and really just listen to what
everyone talks about. If you hear things that make sense — and I am
pretty sure you will — hone in on someone who seems especially
excellent, like they have a handle on life and speak about it in a
style you can relate to, and ask them to be your sponsor! That's when
shit gets wicked fun. Truly. Al-anon and twelve step programs in
general are magical little cauldrons of good vibes and positive
intention where individuals learn about their patterns and how to take
responsibility for their own happiness. Very great things happen. Good
luck! It will be so awesome for your kid to be raised by a mom in
al-anon!

xo

Michelle Tea

Nicole Interjects:

Though damaging as a drug-addled father may be, in this case (as he is a Good Dad) it seems to me less damaging than a divorce on the psyche of your young child. Listen to Michelle, for she is good and wise.

ALSO:

I have been making lots of stuffed animals lately, which you can find in my Etsy shop. All creatures are handmade at home whilst listening to the radio or watching The Amazing Race.

it's tuesday, so....

2009-03-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

advice is coming by the end of the day!

Bangs, Fake IDs, Relationship Recovery, and some Really Really Long Letters.

2009-03-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Nicole,
A little over two years ago I dated a woman whom i fell very much in love with. I told her this after 7 months of dating, and she did not return the sentiment (but i didn't need her to right then). 3 weeks later she went out of town, and upon her return, told me that she couldn't be in "a couple", and to give her some time to think. After a month of waiting passed (in which I felt like i was dying), I felt I had to break up with her. I never cried so much in my life.

We didn't see each other for a few months, during which time I started dating someone else, whom I broke up with after 6 months , telling her I was still in love with my ex. That night i went over to my aforementioned ex girlfriend's house and slept in her bed. We didn't do anything, but it felt like a really strong painkiller.

She told me that she was going to therapy and was going through her childhood (which was really traumatic and involved abandonment issues, having to act as a parent after her dad ditched, and her sister being molested) , and felt like she was making progress. I asked her if she ever thought we'd date again. She said she didn't know.

It has been a year and a half and throughout all the flings and attempts at romance with other people, I have never been able to get her out of my head.

So... you are now like... what the fuck is this guy's question?

1. How can I let her go on with her life, but at the same time let her know I'm always here for her without seeming too pathetic?

2. I got invited to her sister's wedding.
At the wedding how should I act? Should I not tell her again that I love her?

3. The gift for her sister is going to be something I made... and it will be something that will be really great, and will most likely be on her sisters wall for the rest of her life. Is that manipulative that I just want her, when she goes to her sisters house to have a reminder I exist?

4. If I do well in my own life for the reason of staying in her consciousness is that fucked up? I think I would do what I'm doing regardless... but in my head it's a bonus that I will haunt her. Haunt her in a good way. On a global scale it's hard to impress people anymore. You have to always think big...

Don't be TOO hard on me...But do not hold back. I need some advice.

Thanks.

Lovestruck in Long Island

Dear Lovestruck,

1. You can tell her ONE, and only one more time, in no uncertain terms: So and So, I am still in love with you. If you ever want to give it another shot, please come and find me.

Then wipe your hands , wipe your nose and your eyes of her and be free.

You, my friend, need some serious therapy.

You need to know that if she wanted to be with you, she would.
Whether or not she had a fucked up childhood, whether or not you're the sweetest guy in the world, she knows you're there and is not currently choosing you.
You've got to accept it.

As much as you love this woman, the truth of the matter is that your soul mate*, the person you're actually supposed to be with, wouldn't treat you this way. They would CHOOSE YOU. There wouldn't be all this yearning and longing and feeling so torn and confused and sad.
The longer you dwell on this lady, the further away you are from achieving your future greatness.
So get it together, friend.
Call up a therapist, sit on their couch, and give them a chance to weigh in.
What's the worst that could happen from that? You get some kernels of wisdom and build your self esteem up SEPARATE from her and the things she is into.

okay.

2. Be chill at the wedding. Bring a friend as a date who can snap you out of it when your eyes well up with tears and you get on bended knee to ask the ex for another chance. Do NOT bring drama to someone else's day by telling this girl you love her again. If you're going to tell her at all, do it via email after the wedding. Or in a letter.

3. It is manipulative for you to want to haunt her. Yes.
Honestly, i think you should get them some bed sheets, a toaster, and be done with it.
DON'T INVEST ALL YOUR ENERGY IN THESE PEOPLE ANY MORE.

4. It is fucked up to want to do good things just to stay in her consciousness, BUT if it's making you do good things, by all means, keep doing them.

You are obviously a very kind and loving person.
I promise you will find someone out there who deserves and WANTS what you have to offer.

Take care.

*Note: Each person may or may not have a dozen different soul mates, OKAY, but you get what I'm saying. The best you can do is NOT someone who is uncertain about you. If the relationship is right, it's right. If it's not, then move on. The best advice I ever heard from my friend ERF was
"Anything other than 'Yes' means 'No'."
Trip on that.

Dear Nicole,

How come it's ok for dudes to have long hair but it's not okay for them to have long hair with bangs?

Quizzical in Quebec

Dear Quebec,

Think of the Ramones, for goodness sakes! Hotter punkers I cannot imagine.
Other than that , though, no way.
I have no idea why.

But you know what, anything could happen. Dudes in Portland are walking around with beards like Father Time right now, and are wearing clothes so distressed, they may as well be wearing a barrel with suspenders. And that's the cool guys!
So,
cross your fingers if you're a fan of bangs.
They're probably right around the corner.

Dear Nicole,

I am not America’s Smartest Girl. In fact, I’m not even in the top five! I am, however, pretty good at broadcasting my deficient smarts/morality/adult priorities across the Internet via blog.

Things with my blog are going swimmingly.

The thing is, Nicole ,
I’m afraid my blog has given people the wrong impression of my true character.

Unaware readers may think that I'm a herpied womanizer who keeps hairnets on my bedside table because I don’t want anyone’s DNA on my pillowcase even though I’m perfectly willing to have it in my mouth. And the thing is, I don’t even have herpes!

Or one might get the impression that I menstruate because I wrote an incredibly long and detailed blog about bleeding on the mattress that my ex-girlfriend and I might have borrowed from our friend Mary Ann, when everyone knows gays don’t menstruate!

And I wouldn’t really care,
but I’m currently in the market for a Real Live Girlfriend
and I’m afraid my blog will scare any potential lifers away.

And, yes, I could neglect to tell Imaginary Future Life Partner about my blog, but I want her to know that all this finger-tapping I’m doing while she folds laundry isn’t poetry or some shit.

See my problem? How do I continue the blog but convince people it’s all just a persona?

Love,

Over-Sharer in Carrboro

Dear Over-Sharer,

I'm really confused as to why you don't menstruate. You either weren't born with ovaries, are a gymnast/ballerina, or post-menopausal. True?
Anyway,
none of that matters, because i'd give you the same advice whether you were a bleeder or not.
I would keep the blog to yourself until you have someone roped in to really really liking you. You can tell them that you're a student (which you are), and a writer (also true).
After , say, three dates, you can tell them that you are a blogger on the side, and then introduce the Pathological Liar "Character" to them.
Whoa ho, isn't it funny? Regale them with your mail and let them know that you have a great sense of humor and are just trying to have a good time like anybody else!

If they don't approve of your blog, you could scream:
"Having Fun Isn't a Crime!!!!" ( then beat the table for emphasis.) "I don't like being treated like a CRIMINAL!!!!" before storming out of whatever office/restaurant you've broken the news at.

Or not. I just thought that would be a funny scene.
ANYWAY,

I want to note that Tracy Egan from Jezebel had a blog called "One D At A Time" , in which she talked about sleeping with many many dudes. Tracy met the man of her dreams and realized that if his mother found this blog she'd be mortified. She had gotten all she could out of writing out her sexcapades and so put it to bed, even changing her name on Jezebel from SLUT MACHINE to her given title.

on a different note,

Lisa Crystal Carver not only stayed as raunchy as ever once she married, but she got a column on noted sex website Nerve.com and went to town documenting her sex life and that of her husband, Dave (until he asked her to stop mentioning him, ahem ).

Before moving on, consider this question:
Is the short term benefit (comments from strangers, minor internet fame) enough to merit the potential consequences of your blogging?
ANYONE can find this blog. Not just dates (who will probably have a sense of humor about it), but employers, the parents of the kids you will want to babysit in the future, the parents of your dates, etc.

My advice? Get a fake name. It's never too late.
(Unless you're me)

p.s. If you want to date a lesbian, I'd be more careful about throwing around disparaging remarks regarding poetry.

Hello Nicole,

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4ish years a few months ago. We had been living together for much of that time. As far as breakups go, it was not too bad, it was fairly mutual and we both really want to stay friends.
Until recently, we have been getting along fine, we hang out and see each other a lot and share the same group of friends. People have commented on how well we get along for exes.

However, lately he has started seeing other people. I really want to be mature about this, but whenever I hear anything about him dating, I get all hot and feel crazy angry jealousy coming on.
I really don't want to feel this way,
a) because it's very painful,
b) because I have zero interest in getting back together, and
c) I feel uncomfortable feeling jealousy/temporary hatred towards other girls over a boy.

I end up doing stupid crap like myspace stalking him and his dates, or being mean and immature towards him and inevitably feel like I want to puke and cry and then puke some more.
I thought about not seeing him for awhile, but this is difficult because we have all the same friends and frequent the same places.
In my ideal world I can just stop feeling this way and me and him and all his stupid dates can be a big happy stupid family. Do you have any advice on how to get over this kind of jealousy?
I also tend to have jealousy issues when I'm in a relationship. It is lame.
Thanks for any help you can give.

Signed, Jealous in Johnson County

Dear Jealous,

Okay. You need to make some space from him. Let him know that you are stoked to be on friendly terms, but that you need some time to mellow out about the situation.
Here's the deal: You're the one with the problem. You're the one who's uncomfortable, and so YOU need to make the changes necessary to live a comfortable and not woe-begotten life.

SO. Take the road of less drama.

As much as you will hate to miss the best parties and shows,DON'T GO if you know he's going to be there.
If there's something you really really really want to do , consider calmly asking him if he can give you the space to go there and not see him. If he says no, don't worry about it, just stay home and jerk off or make long distance phone calls .

You can keep your same friends, but do things with them separately.
Take Charge!
Have a clothing exchange party, a potluck, a movie night. INVITE THEM OVER TO WATCH TOP MODEL.
Make everybody dinner (i shouldn't have to say this, but DON'T INVITE YOUR EX ) and practice using ESP on each other.

Reach out to your closest few friends and tell them that you really need their support right now, that you're feeling a little nuts about your ex, and that you need opportunities to hang out with them without him.

You're not boarding a train of hatred for him or his dates, he's not doing anything wrong, you're just carving out a new life for yourself that is not so slogged down with the past.

Good luck.

P.s. As quoted from 90210: The best cure for a breakup is a Hookup. Consider.

Dear Smartest Girl in the U.S. of A.,
I am looking for a fake ID. I recently moved to a larger city where most of the nightlife is 21+ only. Not that I don't enjoy what is offered to all ages crowds, but sometimes it feels just terrible to be stuck at home when my favorite band is playing down the street- age and a bouncer being the only barrier. Any tips? Thanks!
-Young-un

Dear Young-un,

I feel your pain. When i moved to Portland i was 19. I started dating someone older than myself, and was beyond embarrassed as I was escorted out of food establishments and theater pubs in front of my date and their friends for being underage.
I would have liked to enjoy a taco at ten p.m., or a movie for three dollars.
HOWEVER ,
I had no fake I.D.

Wait, I had a really awful fake I.D. when i was a teenager in Kansas.

I used it to get into The Bottleneck to see Possum Dixon when i was 17 (you had to be 18), HOWEVER, when i tried the following week to see Sleater Kinney and Built To Spill at the same venue, my i.d. was taken and i was stranded , as my of-age friends were already inside and were my ride home (45 minutes away). I sat with other woe-begotten teenagers at the back door behind the stage, cursing the doorman and not seeing the band, but seeing the audience and they mouthed "This is the best show EVER!" and danced their aged faces off.

Here's what i'm saying:
We've all been through it.
and
I can't advocate using a fake I.D.
I work with kids, for goodness sakes, and fake I.D.s are illegal.

Maybe the years that separate you from 21 will fill you with enough rage at the injustice of it that you will take up the torch for all ages shows even when you are allowed to become a bar fly yourself, and you will open the most bitchin venue that your town has ever seen.

In the meantime, get into your local music scene and go to house shows. There are always amazing punkers playing downstairs or in the garage, you just have to find them.

The Economy, Portland,Bisexuality, Blah Blah Blah

2009-03-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. Nicole,
So I've started this new job. The girl that trained me openly told me
she was bi three days into us knowing each other. I found her
attractive but didn't want to act on it. Now her friend has started to
hit on me. And I've seen her at the bar a couple times. Unfortunately,
I'm not attracted to her. As the month has gone by I have been more 'in
to' girl #1. I have only been with 1 other girl a year ago so I'm not
familiar with hitting on girls. The only thing she really does is
comments how large my breasts are and that she likes them, so I don't
even know if she's interested. What do you suggest I do to let her know
I'm interested?
--
Bi and Curious,

Dear BC,

Keep shutting her friend down (because you know that sleeping with the friend will eliminate your chances with #1),and get bold with your crush. Just get it out of the way. Say "Would you like to get a drink with me after work?" and maybe wiggle your eyebrows or otherwise let her know that you mean "A drink. Just the two of us". When you get there, BUY her the drink and do things to denote that this is a date. Try to flirt openly, see how it goes, and if she shuts you down, so be it.
Get back to work.

p.s. You may wonder if this is completely unprofessional, asking this woman on a date. It is, but i sort of think that her commenting on your chest and outing herself as bi on the FIRST DAY negate standard professional protocol.

Dear Nicole,

Last week I was fired from my job. My managers arranged a meeting and pulled out my Spring Break zine I had wrote last year that had some funny little anecdotes about the customers at my ex-place of business. This zine was a part of your Spring Break project. They thought it was offensive and canned me.
I had never before considered the ethical backlash of being an independent publisher of zines because I always figured no one would read my zines anyway. My question is: are there ethical standards for zines? Would you advise never to write about ones place of business? How ought ones writing being censored if one desires to "put it all out there?" I notice you use different names for your friends and draw carrots for people you don't like. What other ethical policies do you adhere to?
Gracias,
TMI in Tennessee

Dear TMI,

I can't believe you got fired for a zine.
I am so, SO sorry.

I noticed in your original letter, you signed your real name. That is your first problem. You need to stop using your real name in public forums!
If i had it to do over again, I would never have used my real name for any of my zines.
With that said, here are
My ethical standards for zines (All learned the hard way!):
Never use people's real names
Do not mention your place of business by name
Don't use your zine as a sounding board for how much you hate a certain person (like, during a break up).

Keep your friends and keep your job by following the Georges Method!

Oh, Nicole,

So I know the economy is totally crashing and burning right now, but in a massive stroke of luck I just got a job which offers a pretty serious adult salary. I was pretty psyched until I realized that everyone else I know is in danger of losing their job, has lost their job, or can't find a job to save their lives. So instead of psyched, I'm feeling serious survivor's guilt. I can't even ask any of my friends to go out for dinner with me because they are all broke and refuse to let me pay.

What do I do? I feel really bad about feeling good.

Dear Overwhelmed in Illinois,

The only thing you can do is take care of number one and keep trucking.
You deserve the good things that are coming into your life, and should take a moment for gratitude in the place of survivor's guilt.
Guilt won't help anyone.

Make dates with your friends that they can afford.
Offer to split something at a restaurant,or go out for burritos. Offer to make dinner together or go to the dollar theater. Surprise a broke friend sometimes by paying for their movie ticket, but don't make it a habit.

Good Luck, and congratulations on your newfound fortune!

Dear Nicole,
How can i convince my creative, liberal friends that they shouldn't move to Portland? if everyone who makes a difference in their community moves to Portland to be with "like-minded" folk, what good does that do?
and why do these people have such a problem being around others who aren't exactly like them in their city/state of origin? thanks!
Signed,
Shoulder Chip

Dear Chip,
It's fine if your friends want to move to Portland. In Portland, they can finally rest easy knowing that if they want to see something radical, they don't have to be the one organizing it. They can relax as a participant, knowing that the good fight is being waged somewhere with or without their micromanagement.

As much as I understand the want for keeping radical people close to you, I also understand that it is very stressful to be one of only a handful of a certain subculture. It feels really really nice to find your pack, and unfortunate for our smaller city friends, sometimes Portland is the landscape in which the liberal pack thrives.

If they move away from your community, they will only be leaving a legacy and room for growth, in which new people will step up and take on the cause.

Don't stress out so much!

In a larger city, your friends can grow up a little and decide if its for them. if there was something nourishing their soul about their place of origin, they'll return. I'll tell you one thing, though, flies to honey my friend. If you're as bitter when they visit as you are in your letter, you may find the trips home few and far between.

Blech! Toilet talks, shy lesbians, having money, and more.

2009-03-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

Dear smartest girl ever,

This woman at work insists on telling me about her poop every time she
goes to the bathroom and I want her to stop. For instance, today she
stopped by my cubicle and said, "I should weigh myself NOW, I've been
constipated for a week, and I just went a whole bunch. Remember when
that happened last week?" Last week she informed me that she's been
eating too much cheese and was therefore constipated for a few days but
then after that started having the shits and kept stopping by to tell
me every single time!

Is there a nice and polite way to tell her to stop? It doesn't end
with poop, sometimes she tells me, in low hushed tones, about how badly
she "had to go pee just now." She usually does it with such glee and
in the spirit of friendship though, it makes me feel bad about
squashing it. I think she thinks it's building up our friendship, and I
don't want to hurt her feelings.
- Grossed out in Gainesville

Dear Gainesville,

The pee thing i can understand, but Poop Talk? No way.
I tell people from the start that I am not into poop jokes,and do not wish to hear about their bowel movements.
I then (naturally) adopt a look of disgust when they do bring it up, which reminds them that i am not a friendly ear for their farts.

If you feel too far gone for that, you could pretend that you USED to like talking to her about poop, but have recently come down with something that makes it intolerable.

Beat her to the punch next time you see her and are having a talk by the water cooler:

"I don't know how this happened, but I have totally started getting grossed out talking about poop! My roommate mentioned something about it and I started getting sick to my stomach. So, no more poop talk. Sorry, friend."

or

"Hey, I can't hang with poop talk right now. I just ate."

Something like this.

Good luck.
Gross.

Dear Nicole,

If my boyfriend and his best dude friend ride motorcycles together--as in, one bike, two dudes, major spoonage--does that mean they're gay for each other?

Love,

Concerned Beard

Dear Beard,
Could be homosexuality, could just be Bromance; but as long as your boyfriend is coming home and having sex with you (a woman), I don't think you need to worry.

Dear Nicole,

for a girl with little discipline, and a not a lot of outside deadlines, how best do i stay focused and keep my eye on the prize?

Signed, In need of a firm hand

Dear Firm Hand,

When all else fails, schedule work time amidst other human beings.
Put it in your planner!

Take your notebook or your computer to a coffeeshop and know that you would much rather be seen there working on a project than on Facebook.

Make a note for yourself "NO INTERNET".

Find another friend who has studying (or a deadline) to work on , and invite them over for some strict and quiet work time. After a few minutes of tea, you will keep each other on task with the miracle of Peer Pressure.

Schedule these things for yourself as many days of the week as you can, and stick to them.
Your work is a priority. Treat it that way.

World's Smartest Girl:

I feel like a jerk to be complaining, but here goes. I have a sort of intense job as an accountant and I make six figures. Meanwhile, my social scene is comprised of urban queers who are musicians, artists, baristas, social service providers, aging scenesters, and similar folk. These are my people that I hang around and feel close to because we share the same interests in feminism, music, community, etc. I have a hard time bonding with other professional people in the business/finance world because they don't roll like I do and they think its very strange to go see a lot of shows and be an out and about queer. But I also feel alienated from my social friends because I have so much financial and educational privilege and it feels like no one has a shared experience. Sometimes I feel like a eccentric and affluent curiosity. Sometimes I feel like the only grownup at the all ages punk show. I thought it would be interesting to hear what you think about that, because I would really like to get over myself.

-Richie

Dear Richie,

I'm not sure what the question is here, but your life sounds cool to me.
You get to live a grown up life while still hanging out with your people, the gaywads. Thank goodness you live in an area where your peer group is not comprised exclusively of straight accountants. Things could be worse!
Inevitably, as you age you will feel like the only grownup at a punk show. That comes with the territory. You would feel this way as a prince or a pauper, given you are over twenty five years old.
If I were you, I would thank my lucky stars that I can afford to fix my teeth, afford stable housing, and retire someday. Many of your friends (and people in the world) truly do not have this gift!
So.. Gratitude! Seriously, stop stressing and just be glad.

n.g.

Dear Nicole,

so there's this girl i have my eye on, do i really just walk up and introduce myself? (that's so... courageous).

Signed, Curious in California

Dear Curious,
Do you have any friends that can introduce you?
If not, just go up to her and say "Hi".

I'm an avid fan of bribery
("Hey do you want this coupon i just found?"
"I thought you might like a butterscotch."),
but have definitely sat myself next to people and just started talking.

Ask her some questions (but don't cross the line into being invasive),
or ask her advice about something
("Hey, do you think that the bartender would look at me if i leaned over the bar like this?").
Just be friendly and honest.

Even if it doesn't work out, it's good practice.

Polyamory and K'vetch Questions

2009-03-02T12:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Advice Loving Friends,
I read last night at K'Vetch in San Francisco. K'vetch is a queer open mic night hosted by Tara Jepsen and Kirk Read. At the end of my story (during which i wore a towel, as we were at a gay man bath house) , i took rapid fire advice questions from the audience. Here are a few:

Q: Why don’t girls just tell you what they want?

A: Maybe they’re afraid of you. Are you a rage-a-holic? Learn to listen and not talk over them or offer unsolicited advice every time they do talk.

Q: Are all the dykes really moving out of San Francisco?

A: How should I know? I live in Portland.

Q: What should I Do tomorrow?

A: Come to my art show at The Lexington Club from 7 to 9 p.m.!

Q: How do I like myself?

A: Look at one thing you do well. Look at it really hard. Do more of it. Get feedback only from supportive positive sources. Do NOT listen to Debbie Downers or even ask their opinions.

Q: What is your take on open relationships/polyamory?

A: If you like processing, then polyamory is for you. I estimate five to ten hours of processing for every one hour you get having sex with someone else.

Q: I have a hard time being serious. How do I change this?

A: Seriousity is over rated.

Q; Is it worth changing your personality for your girlfriend?

A: No.

Q: Where is the fountain of youth?

A: Portland, Oregon is the fountain of youth. There is no sun, so you don’t need to worry about getting wrinkles, and people there have a Pleasure-Island quality of never growing up. You could be 72 and have a paper route!

And Now, Some Advice From Questions Sent In:

Dear Nicole,
I’m falling in love with a straight girl that has a live in boyfriend of 6 years. She flirts with me. What do I do?

- Falling in Florida

Dear Falling, Give her your phone number and tell her that if she ever breaks up with her boyfriend she should give you a call. In the meantime, you need her to leave you alone and vice versa.

Dear Nicole,

I'm in need of some tough love. I am 19, currently in a monogamous relationship of 2 years with a guy I really care about, and would like to stay with (we also live together.) I've had bad past experiences with monogamous relationships, and have tried before to just stay single and stop trying to date every man in my path, but it never goes according to plan (of course.) When we started dating, we both wanted something casual and fun, not looking for long term, but we never stopped hanging out. Things changed, and now here we are all coupled up. I want to be more independent, which is completely possible while being in a monogamous relationship, but I've noticed that I am always more outgoing and confident when I go to social gatherings without him. I read some literature on polyamory and open relationships, and I was definitely interested but felt it was not the right time for me to try it. I know from talking about it hypothetically with current partner that he would not be interested in trying it with me.

My partner has been away traveling, and a good friend of mine was in town visiting. I have been friends with him for many years, and only in the last year have I been aware that my feelings towards him were becoming romantic feelings as well. We were hanging out a lot this past week, and I discovered that he felt the exact same way. He practices polyamory, and at first I think he was under the impression that my current partner and I might have recently became polyamorous since I told him I felt the same way about him. When he found out that we weren't, he was totally fine with it, and explained that his feelings for me most likely wouldn't change in the near future, but that he was perfectly fine with me continuing to remain monogamous with my current partner. Basically, he was completely respectful about it, and he is most likely doing the right thing in this situation from my point of view.

The problem now is that I just don't know what to do. Ideally, I would love to be polyamorous, with my current partner as my "main" partner. I'm quite certain he wouldn't go for this, but I also don't want to completely end our relationship that I am otherwise happy with. I also don't really want to keep things how they are and suppress my romantic feelings for my friend. I feel like this situation means that I'll have to end up really hurting someone, myself included.
Signed,
Californian Cohabitant

Dear Californian Cohabitant,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh!
What a nightmare.

Here’s the deal: the absolute worst time to open up your relationship is when it is in crisis.
A polyamorous relationship is HARDER work and requires much more trust, honesty, communication and personal responsibility than a run of the mill monogamous relationship. It is the K2 of dating.

Right now it sounds to me like you are not taking a lot of personal responsibility with your romantic situation as is, and THUS adding another person to mix will only serve to truly fuck up what you have.
Which is maybe what you want.
If you are feeling like sabotaging yourself out of your current live-in relationship, maybe you need to honor that feeling and break up with your dude in order to date others, casual and unencumbered. Otherwise, here's my advice.

This has nothing to do with polyamory vs. monogamy. It has everything to do with living together and engaging in bad patterns.
You could monogamously live together, hang out alone in your city or with your friends independent of your dude, then come home and F each other’s faces off every night if you wanted to.
OR you could live together, suffocate each other, and then go get face crabs from every guy on the street and still not feel fulfilled.

Living together based on convenience, or financial need is The Stupidest reason a couple could choose to take this step. Why? Because you’re basically married. It costs money to break up, and one of you could wind up homeless.

You shouldn’t have been engaging in an intrigue with polyamorous dude behind your boyfriend’s back, my friend. That is number one.
What you need to do is tell that polyamorous guy to cool his jets while you hunker down and work on the relationship you’ve already started.
Make boundaries. Make rules for yourself. Make dates with the dude you’re living with, and when you don’t have dates, go out by yourself.
It’s a new era, starting now.
Insist that you both get some nourishing, independent friend and solo time from each other. Don’t get lazy, fall into a codependent routine, and then resent your partner in routine based on your own lack of discipline.

Tis not easy, but if you want to stay with this dude, I think you would be best served by trying to nourish the foundation of your relationship before you even THINK of triangulating or including other wieners in your situation.

Good luck and let me know how it’s going. I would love to lecture you any time.

Sincerely yours in tough love,

n.g.

Hi Nicole.
I need major big time advice. I have an older brother who is a prescription pain pill addict. Last night I noticed I had four missed calls from him. When I called him back he was drinking at a bar in the small town we grew up in. He stepped outside to talk to me. When I was a child I was a victim of sexual abuse. My brother was at this bar trying to find the person who did this to me so long ago (we're talking over 20 years ago). He was running through all these names of people whom he thought may have done this and told me he was planning to kill them at the bar tonight (if they show up but so far they haven't shown up!?) and explained that I don't know what he is capable of. I spent the next several minutes trying to talk him down. Obviously you can't reason with a person who has taken numerous pain killers and is now drinking alcohol on top of that. I am doing fine these days and have moved on with my life. I feel fortunate to be in such good shape. This phone call from my brother obviously really upset me. I was literally shaking. He has this deep seated belief implanted with the help of my parents that I am gay because I was abused. It haunts him. I don't know how I would cope if my brother killed someone or did something just as crazy because of all of these feelings he has over what happened to me that I don't even really care about anymore. What the fuck do I do?

Sincerely,

Desperate in Detroit

Dear Detroit,

1. You need to contact your brother during the day when he is sober, or at least not rip roaring drunk. Call or write and tell him that you absolutely do not support his vigilante style justice and that it has nothing to do with your wishes and is doing you no favors, only making you feel uncomfortable and creeped out.

2. If you really think your brother is capable of murder, it is your responsibility to call the police in your area and let them know what is up. If they pick him up and take him in, it might knock some sense into him about the reality of what he’s getting into. Seriously. It’s better than being silent and watching him receive a life sentence.

3. Go to an ALANON meeting. ALANON is a group for people who are friends of family of addicts. It will help you to understand better that you have no control over him, and will give you tips on what you Do have control over in the situation. Helpful support. Free. Do it.

Dear Ms.Georges,

I met this hotter than hell older professional art lesbian Saturday night. I could tell she liked me and thought I was funny and seemed to laugh at most of the shit I said. But I don't know if she just thought I was funny in that Joe Pesci meets woody Allen sort of way, or I might have a shot at something. She seems out of my league. Many people have tried to convince me that there are no leagues. But it’s been a hard sell. What would be the most tactful way of putting my self out there? What should I do next? She does not live in my area, but frequently visits from the country and is my friend on facebook.
Thank you for your community service,
Baffled

Dear Baffled,
To you I recommend using THE SECRET. Think positive. Imagine someone who IS in the League of this older professional art lesbian. Then, imagine yourself as that person. As even better than that person.

Approach her with confidence, like you’re offering her something great.

Because you are! You are great and if she doesn’t see that, then she is obviously not the one for you.

Say that you had a nice time talking with her the other night, and you wonder if she’d like to have a drink with you when she comes back into town. Whether or not she drinks, this is the universal sign for “date” , and will tell you her temperature regarding this affair.

I warn you, though you are confident and in fact, BETTER than someone in her league, do not cross the line into Cocky. Confident and cocky are not at all the same, and so for those unfamiliar, may require a little bit of practice. Think of the Dog Whisperer, or Oprah. Both Confident people who are at the same time humble or quiet when they need to be. They don’t act like they have something to prove. They’ve already proved it.
Calm, assertive leaders. That could be you.

Good luck and good greatness,

n.g.

Eating Eggs, Stealing Dates, Hucking Comics, and more.

2009-02-24T20:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Nicole

Recently a close friend of mine expressed to me that she was thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend, one of my best friends and an overall sweet guy.
After a week of debating whether to do it she decided not to, a decision I disagree with. Feeling that my best friend should know about his girlfriend’s doubts I tell him about it, but urge him not to act upon the information. He agrees, but later that night after my confessing that I need a boytoy to reduce my current sexual tension, and stating that he would be a good candidate, if he didn’t have a girlfriend. In further conversation he suggested that although he had a girlfriend, he would still be willing to help. The night turned into a sleepover and lying in my double bed together we made the leap from best friends to friends-with-benefits and I became the other woman in his relationship. During this he told me that he had had crush on me for some time, in fact almost all our nearly 2 year relationship and through two other relationships of his, including the current. His behaviour also seemed to suggest that he felt deeper about me than a crush. And now after being sworn to secrecy I feel the need to discuss the situation with friends to help me decide how I should act around both of them and what I should tell the boy.

Nicole, what is the best course of action and should I give up and tell my trustworthy friends??

Love,
Teenage Paramour in Australia

Dear Teenage Paramour,

Girl you are fooling yourself.
1. This dude is a rat-fink.
2. You are a rat-fink for using the information given to you IN CONFIDENCE by "a close friend" to get what you wanted. That is some duplicitous bullshit, my friend.

If you think that this dude won't do to you what he JUST DID to this other girl, then you are sadly sadly mistaken.
If i were you, I would stop answering the phone for a week, do some soul searching, and then go about things in the most compassionate and rational way possible.

Remember: Girl Rivalry and Jealousy tear girls apart. Cheating is anti feminist, and karma is a harsh bitch to fuck with.

Dear Nicole,

I am doing Stumptown Comics Fest for the first time this year. Do you have any advice for me, such as what I should bring, how many copies, that sort of thing? Thanks!

-Milkyboots

Dear Milkyboots,

Bring some tape, scrap paper, a sharpie, and some pens.
Write up a nice, large, legible price list before you show up. To put on your table.
Bring a tablecloth that is bold, but not so busy as to distract from your comic books.

Get change before you come. Bring a little money box to keep your vast fortune in.

Bring yourself some water and some snacks.
I saw have something at your table to lure people back. Cupcakes, candy, free stickers. Something.
Bring business cards with your web address on them.

Wear something nice. Brush your hair, brush your teeth, and get ready to engage with some people and become a self promoting maniac for a day.

Don't sit there reading a book when people come up to your table, stand up or at least make eye contact and greet them. Customer service. You know. Have one of your comics open so they can see an example of what's inside.

Put descriptions on next to your comics so they know which is which
(i.e.: "Issue ten includes me falling off my bike and saving a chicken's life!")

Oh. and bring some gum for fresh breath.

Have fun!

Dear Nicole,

A few weeks ago I posted a very witty and articulate (if I do say so myself) 'casual encounters' ad on Craigslist. It didn't garner me what I was hoping for, but I was proud of the effort nevertheless. Today, while trolling the W4W section, I stumbled upon an ad that seemed eerily familiar. Except, wait! With a few minor (pedestrian, suburban) modifications, it was my ad, totally ripped off! Literally, entire well crafted phrases had been lifted wholesale from my ad and placed into this one. I realize I am perhaps being a bit melodramatic, but this kind of injury feels equivilent to any other kind of plagiarism. I'm at a loss for what to do - do I send a snarky response to the faux-author? Do I reveal her tactics in the public forum? Do I demand compensation for whatever relationship rewards she reaps from my words?

Help!

Andie

Dear Andie,

So Weird!

This is plagiarism, but you have to put it in perspective. It's craigslist.
Unless you want to get your brain wrapped up in the weird world of online forum fighting, I would lay low and forget about it, writing an even BETTER ad next time (you could mention in your new ad that someone stole your last one, it was so excellent).

Online forum fighting, complete with anonymous commentary, can eat away at your soul and take your brain away from more productive and spirit-nourishing activities. Like masturbating, doing aerobics or baking cookies.

Please comfort in the fact that whomever the plagiarist is, the dates they reel in from craigslist will soon find them to be not the witty, wordy cassanova they purported to be, but rather, a lame substitution, unable to whittle a crafty sentence or deliver on the goods you originally described.

Dear Nicole,
As huge fans of yours, aspiring chicken keepers(they're so cuuute), and dedicated v-guns, my roommate and I wanna ask you: What do you do with your hens' eggs? Let them be? Collect them and give them to friends who would otherwise eat factory farmed eggs? Fry em up because you know your girls are loved?

Thank you!

pdx chickenlovahs

Dear PDX Chicken Lovahs,
I feed my chicken's eggs to my dogs and to omnivorous friends. Better they get their eggs from me than from the grocery store!
I have never eaten my chicken's eggs. Menses is menses, no matter how you slice it.

On Sam Adams and Cesar Chavez Boulevard.

2009-01-27T21:37:00.001-08:00

Dear Readers,
Portland has the first openly gay mayor of a top 40 city, Mayor Sam Adams.
It has recently come out that our Mayor had a relationship with an 18 year old man in 2005.
He lied about it during the election. So did the young man.

SO. WHAT.

The Oregonian and Just Out (two local papers, one of which is Gay, take a guess) have both called for his resignation.
To them i say Shame On You.

It does not matter to me, as a voter and a citizen, whether or not my Mayor has had sex with an 18 year old.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

His lying about it? Also DOESN'T MATTER.

The Honorable Mayor Sam Adams has demonstrated 20 years of competent public service. This has nothing to do with his sex life. I do not care if he tells the truth about his sex life. It is none of my business.

How many elected officials lie about their sex lives? How many are closeted?
What if they are so good at lying about their sex lives that You Don't Even Know They're Lying? Does it make a difference in their sustainability plan for the city? For their workings with legislation? The budget? NO!

Portland is truly a land of passive aggression and manipulation.

People are saying
"It's not that i care about his sex life, it's just that i won't be able to trust him or see him the same after this."
That's a choice you're making.
It is not a given. You can actually still trust him after this. Look at his record, look at the reasons you voted for him, and make the DECISION as a human being with FREE WILL to see him the same and to MOVE ON.

I want to take a moment and mention something that happened last year. My synopsis.
Some people wanted to rename Interstate Avenue. They wanted to call it Cesar Chavez Boulevard.
The Latin American community of our city was behind this. It almost got passed. Some (and i'm going to make a leap here) WHITE stick in the mud people who otherwise do not have an active role in local politics (i say this because they weren't active enough to have heard about this name change before it was within an inch of passing) found out that this was happening and totally BLOCKED IT!
There were giant community meetings where, I kid you not, people said things like "I can't even pronounce that! How can we name a street that? "
Literally I heard this on a talk radio show .
Did people in Portland come out and say "Change is Scary" or "We are Racist" ?
No.
They said "we can't change the street name because..... um... because then all the businesses on the street will have to change their STATIONERY and SIGNAGE! you'll be hurting small business! That's the only reason we're blocking it!"
give.
me.
a.
break.
Also, "Welllll, we're not RACIST, it's just about a technicality! We really really care about the technical process of street naming here. SUPER IMPORTANT. .... we weren't involved in the process! So we're going to punish you by blocking your efforts! So that next time we can be part of the process! Even if the process is to do something cool with a street that is named INTERSTATE, which happens to be the most uninspired street name of all time.... !"

What am I saying?

I'm saying that people are being homophobic about the Mayor.
I'm saying that Beau Breedlove (the 18 year old) had agency in this situation and was a willing participant in a relationship with a public official.

I'm saying that the blocking of Cesar Chavez Avenue was racist.

And I'm saying this in order to stick up for the Mayor.

As always,
send me your problems.

Sincerely,

Nicole J. Georges

The lady on the left is on a date with 3 people at once.

2009-01-27T14:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,
Thanks for your patience. After a few weeks off, I am ready and raring for more advice. I hope to have a podcast or web radio show soon, so stay tuned.
In the meantime, I have a new 150 word limit on questions. This is the last edition of Ask Nicole to include questions as long as Encyclopedia Britannica/Bible/Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Thank you.

Dear World's Smartest Girl,

Here's a question about dating etiquette.
I am a recently single young lady and am on the prowl, so to speak.
I'm dating about four women right now. I'm not polyamorous or anything. I'm just dating.
I live in a mid sized town.

Friday night, I was out on a date and bumped into someone else that I'm seeing, that I'll be going out with on Sunday.
I went over and talked to Miss Sunday and her friend, chit chat, said hello. It was apparent, however, that I was on a date with Miss Friday, who hung back and did not meet Miss Sunday.

I like Miss Sunday because she's smart and sweet and I've been on three dates with her, only just kissed her once and am just getting to know her. Not sure what my intentions are.

Miss Friday, who I'm sleeping with but am sort of ambivalent about, hung back and I don't think she could tell that Miss Sunday and I have a thing going.

Anyways, what am I supposed to do when that happens?
When I run into one girl when I'm out with another girl?

I tell the girls that I am sleeping with that I am dating other people but the ones I'm just getting to know don't know about my ways because, well, we aren't ready for that conversation yet.
Furthermore, I might decide I like Miss Sunday enough that I just want to cool it and hang out with her, I don't know right now but I don't want to foreclose the option because I'm seen out with other people. What I do know is that I want to act right and not mess it up even though I'm dating other people. So, a bit of etiquette instruction, if you don't mind.

-Randy

Dear Randy,
This situation is only as awkward as you make it.
The time to tell someone, in my opinion, that you have other dates, is before you make out with them. Before you even kiss them, you have to say
“Hey, I have to tell you that I’m really really CASUALLY dating some people right now. I just want to let you know that. ….” And you can elaborate or not based on their reaction. But don’t let them trustingly stick their tongue in your mouth if you have someone else’s spit marinating in there.

If you run into one girl when you’re out with another, I think you should say “Hi, how are you?” and make it brief. Tell them you’re excited to see them again or WHATEVER, but you need to say “Okay, I have to go hang out with my friend Miss Friday right now. Nice talking to you. See you soon.”

Don’t make it awkward for Miss Friday by openly flirting or carrying on a long conversation with Miss Sunday. No matter who you want to keep making out with in the situation, this is bad manners.

If you act totally chill and normal when you return to Friday’s open arms, then it shouldn’t be an issue. If she brings it up later “Who’s that?” try to be open and honest, but gentle with her feelings. Even if you feel ambivalent about her, she's still a HUMAN and might not feel ambivalent about you, especially considering the fact you were on a DATE and are currently having SEX with each other. Which in some cultures means "I Like You" .
SO. Be Polite. Be gentle.

Don’t act squirrely or guilty. You’ll only make things worse.

Dear Nicole,
I want to talk about The F Word; Friends.

The back history: I've been in Portland for 5 years (as of this
week), and I have yet to make my 'core' friends here. I have lived in
larger cities like Chicago and Los Angeles and have always had my core
friends (usually 4-5) who I could really count on and share trust and
closeness, both ways. It always provided a sense of family that I
value very much. I don't do small talk and shallow acquaintances very
well, I prefer quality connections with fewer people rather than
shallow connections to a lot of people. I'm a bit introverted and
low-key, and like one-on-one time rather than big social situations.
I tend to get ultra-sensitive and awkward in large social situations
(this is something I'm working on).

THE PROBLEM: Since I have moved to Portland, I have had many
fall-outs with folks I try to befriend. Usually what happens is that
there is an initial spark (sometimes romantic, sometimes not),
sometimes this spark is quite powerful, and we hang out, communicate,
etc… then it seems that to keep the connection going I am the one
doing all of the communication and 'tuning in'. However, this is bad
because it causes an imbalance, and both people are left resentful of
each other.

I realize that these things take time, but Portland has a science all
of it's own and I sense that you may know something that I don't.
Help.

Yours,
Open and Sincere.

Dear Open and Sincere,

In any relationship, romantic or otherwise, there needs to be reciprocity. If you are trying to contact people who are dropping the ball and not contacting you back, then you need to move on. Sounds like they aren’t interested in the same level of friendship you are.
This is where acquaintances come in handy. You make someone’s acquaintance, find out if you have a common interest, and if things go well and you’re both so inclined, hang out one on one as actual friends!
I find that social networking sites are a pleasure for this purpose. They give names to the faces you see in your community, and give you a chance to contact them outside of parties and random run-ins.
I want to add that you mentioned a romantic spark for some people who you’ve tried to befriend. This is a bad tactic if you’re looking for stability in friendships. You don’t want something volatile and hinging on whether or not you make out.

As for your desire to have friends and not just acquaintances (“shallow connections”), this is something I hear about as often as I hear lesbians declare their future want for a goat and to live in the country. VERY COMMON.
Nobody wants JUST acquaintances (not even your acquaintances want JUST acquaintances) , BUT we (Portlanders) are lucky to live in a land of common interest. Portland is a bubble with a giant queer community and thriving underground culture. Don’t take it for granted. Recognize the giant privilege you have to even KNOW that many people who are into the same things as you. You have the luxury here of rooting through the acquaintances to find people with whom you share not just gay-roddery and love of books, but also personality or communication styles. Lucky you! Community is nothing to take lightly.

So my advice to you is, look for commonalities with people whom you do not want to bone, test the waters and if the waters are unreceptive, move on.
Also, see my advice about friendship from 2008.

Good luck .

Hi Nicole,

You probably don't remember me, but I went to Rock Camp this summer and was in your zine workshop. It turned out we were both from Kansas!
Anyway, you said you went to Aquinas for high school. Well, I am in 8th grade and about to take a placement test on Saturday. I am torn between two high schools. I shadowed at Aquinas and a new school called St. James, but I can't decide what school I want to go to! Overall, I really liked St. James better, but at Aquinas I will have more friends. I have one best friend going to St. James, and two best friends going to Aquinas. I really can't decide where to go. At St. James you get a mac book, which is awesome, but Aquinas I will know more people and have a cousin there. Aquinas is also much closer to my house. The tuition is also cheaper at Aquinas. Transportation might be a little problem for my parents and I, but I think we could work things out. Do you have any idea what I should do? I really need to decide, and fast!

-Torn Between Two.

Dear Torn Between Two,

I had a nice time as St. Thomas Aquinas. I met new friends, and maintained friendships with my public school friends outside of STA.

Go to the school you like best, and I promise you will have some friends.

I warn you though, in my days the freshmen as STA were forced to wear beanies with propellers the first week. The seniors could then walk by and flip the propeller on your. Really undignified.
If I were you, I would hide the beanie in my bag and only put it on right outside the classroom door. If you pretend to be a stone cold sophomore, you won’t get in trouble.

Good luck.

Dear Nicole,

Okay, I'm 16 years old and have been in a (sort of) long relationship with my boyfriend (8 months to be exact). But the whole 'I love you' thing started EARLY with him. I didn't say it back until I thought I felt the same, and I do think I feel the same. My problem is the 'planning our future' thing started early too. And I just feel trapped because he loves me a lot, and I (and everyone else) can see that. I know for a fact that if we break up he's going to be...self-destructive. As in drinking uncontrollably. Oh, by the way, he's 19 and goes to college in Michigan (while I live in Illinois) if that makes a difference. And the other thing is I don't want to break up with him right now, I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with him...or I'm just not sure of that. I want to experience new things and meet new people before I tie myself down. Should I talk to him? Should I just break it off now? What should I do?

Love,
Trapped.

Dear Trapped,
I hereby give you permission to break up with this guy.
You’re lovable. So what. That doesn’t meant you owe the first dude to declare his love for you anything. Lots of people are out there who also might want to love you. It doesn’t mean you need to get married to all of them.
You are not old enough to be making a crazy long commitment (not because I’m ageist, but because you need to date some more people and figure out what you want to do with your ENTIRE LIFE and what kind of person you like) , and you haven’t been dating long enough to be surgically tethered to this dude. His drinking is his own business. If he wants to self destruct after an 8 month long relationship, that’s his own deal. He’ll get over it.
Turn the page, dude.
YOUR business is to take care of yourself and have fun! Date someone you KNOW you love. Or don’t! Date a bunch of people and figure out what you want!
Don’t act like an old lady just yet. You can wait until you’re at least in your mid twenties for that sort of behavior.

running a little behind

2009-01-13T18:29:00.001-08:00

i had so many house guests! all in a row!
i'm running behind.
send me more letters and i shall answer thee.

Getting Harsh, Embracing Western Medicine.

2008-12-30T10:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Nicole,

First, I want to let you know that I admire you very much and think you are super cool and rad and beautiful. Second of all, I am confused about my feelings and what I should do in my love life! I have been with my boyfriend for a little bit over a year and although I love him and our relationship is fun and fulfilling emotionally, sex-wise it's not cutting it. I'm kind of bored and before we were together, I was a girl who changed partners a lot and I kind of want that. We've talked about an open/poly-amorous relationship and he does not want to do it at all. I don't want to break up with him but I'm just not that happy with that--plus, we also have an hour or so distance between us that makes for a mostly weekends relationship, which I am tired of as well. Also, I am a queer girl who has never had sex with a lady, but want to and have been thinking about it more and more. I think maybe I should just not be such a wuss and end our relationship but also I am afraid of being alone forever and no one loving me. And also I like him a lot and when we are together, we have a lot of fun and happy times--I think I said that. What do you think I should do?

Love,
Sex-crazed and confused

Dear Sex Crazed,

Sounds like you want to break up.

But you're hesitating and you'll feel guilty about it for a minute, so
Let's pretend there's another option for a second....

You can go one of two routes in this situation:
1. give it the old college try .
Do you want to be in a long term monogamous relationship? If you do, then i say take the reigns and put some more effort into your sex life with this dude before you totally kick him to the curb. Suggest something you want to do. Give him encouraging pointers. See what he's up for. I give this method One Month. If he's not game, and does not show improvement within a month, then dude is toast.

2. Goodbye, Dude.
My first instinct is to tell you to break it off with this dude.
Sex is important. Especially within the first year, it's one of the main things differentiating this dude from your best friend.
Also, what is up with dating for a YEAR with all that distance between you? If neither of you feels inspired enough to bridge the gap and be around each other for more than a weekend at a time, then what is the point? What are we getting at with this?

It's only been a year. you're not very old.

You don't need to be in a lukewarm marriage at this point in your life.
He is never going to be comfortable with polyamoury, and the longer you stay in a sex-free monogamous relationship, the longer you are going without having the awesome sex you deserve, and the further and further you get from having sex with a lady.

You could die tomorrow, so find a relationship that satisfies you for today at the Very LEAST!

p.s. You will not die alone. I can feel , psychically, that you are not very old.

p.p.s. You are preventing this guy from finding the monogamous, vanilla woman of his dreams by holding on to him in your vein attempt to escape loneliness. Be Fair.

Dear Nicole,
my friend just transitioned (ftm) & I really hate his new name. should I tell my friend his new name sucks & is really a pet name used in bed?!

- Sad Tranny NYC

Dear Sad Tranny,
Don't tell him!
He probably labored over this and thinks it's a truly awesome name, and you will just hurt his feelings.
In the meantime, suggestions:

-Perhaps saying this name enough times will desensitize you to it's heinous qualities.
Just say it : Fluffy Fluffy Fluffy Fluffy.

-Have hope, friend.
There have been documented cases of people changing their name more than once when they found that a certain name wasn't their style.

OR

-Take Matters Into Your Own Hands.
What if you found a great nickname for your friend and tried to get it to catch on?
A pet name, like "sport" . then other people might hear you call him that, you can refer to him when he's not around,("Hey Did You Hear What Me and Sport Did This Weekend?" "who's sport?" "Oh Sorry, That's What I Call Fluffy") and maybe it will catch on and that will replace the name Fluffy.
Good Luck!

Dear Nicole,
if i use a feral cat i found in the snow...to feed the raccoons that live in my walls...am i automatically a "dog-person"....or am i just into lookin' out for my own?
-Cabin Fever in Portland

Dear Cabin Fever,
You are definitely a dog person.

-N.g.

Dear Nicole,

My vagina itches. Really itches. Sometimes it's all I can do not to take a Brillo pad to my dearly betrayed lady parts. And who's responsible for this? Me, it's sad, itchy owner. Seems that the food the rest of my body craves turn my junk into a sourdough factory. It's not like I have a terrible diet--I don't eat meat or many processed foods. I'm sweet on leafy greens and legumes. I chew spelt on the regular. Shit, I go on double dates with keifir and yogurt.

Despite this not-so-terrible diet of mine, it turns out that the food I'm most romantical with--sweet, cold Hamm's in a can--is just the food that make my mons all itchy-scratchy. Not cool, Hamm's, especially when I've been so loyal to you. All your other friends have either switched to microbrews or left you for jobs and families and shit. But I'm still here, listening to you bitch about Pabst.

So my drink of choice makes my vag itch, yes, but the remedies aren't all that heinous. I mean, shit, there are worse things in life than shoving raw garlic in your hole and douching with yogurt, right? Things like sobriety. So, my question: how many cloves is it cool to shove into the darkness at once? And once at capacity, how long do I keep that shit marinating? Also, is there any substance I could substitute for my beloved Hamm's that would lessen the yeast effect? Please don't say water.

Love,
Itchy in NC

P.s.
I forgot to mention that I wear really tight pants and don't want change that either.

Dear Itchy,
So you want something in your life to change, BUT you don't want to make changes.... Interesting Perspective!

Get ready for an onslaught of hippie yeast infection recipes on the comment board (spare me,Portland );

BUT here is MY advice:
go to the store and get some Monistat.
there is nothing worse than a yeast infection. NOTHING WORSE. (except for a UTI i guess...)

If walking around with the dental floss leashes for twelve pieces of garlic in your junk isn't doing the trick and is getting tiresome, there is nothing wrong with going to the pharmacy and getting some medicine from modern times.
It's cool to be Of The Earth, but it is not cool to feel irritated 24/7 because you have cheese coming out of your vagina. seriously!

After this is cleared up, you need to make some changes, lest it come back with a vengeance!

You have to drink something with less yeasty sugar.
If you need something with less sugar, try vodka like Monopolowa.
It is delicious.
If you need to look punk, drink whiskey. Get a flask. Very Punk.
You'll need less to get drunk (which your body will appreciate) and you will look very hard.
Wear cotton underwear.
As for your pants? i don't know what your gender deal is, but could you sacrifice and wear a short skirt for a while? Just a few days. You can wear it with some cotton leggings or something.
If that is too womanly for your tastes, I say invest in a onesie. That being a one piece outfit, sort of like a mechanic would wear. One that is loose enough that it doesn't further infect your crotch. Not only will you look cute and be a walking conversation-starter (do NOT tell people you're wearing it for yeast prevention), but you'll be giving your crotch a break.

when you're at home, chill out in pajama pants. Put on your skin tight outfits only when you leave the house.

That's my advice.
The doctor has spoken.

Sisterhood is Powerful, and offering to Kick the Ass of Other People's Enemies.

2008-12-15T13:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Nicole,
Without delving into the ridiculous drama surrounding my ex-boyfriend and myself, I'll give you a brief summary of what's been going on: After being friends for about a year, my ex and I developed feelings, dated for 9 months and were totally in love and great together. He broke up with me about two-three months ago and a month later, him and my best friend were together. I know the best option would be to have dropped both of them, but my relationships with them were too strong and I have major soft spots for both of them, so I've kept them both in my life. It hasn't been easy, but I'm attempting to deal.
The problem is I started sleeping with my ex again a couple weeks ago; we hooked up a couple times, stopped, and two days ago we were hanging out and ended up hooking up again. I know this is completely wrong, unhealthy, stupid, everything, but he's the one initiating all of this and I get the feeling he's regretting breaking up with me for her, at least a little bit. I expect you'll tell me to stop this from happening again, but my big question is Why am I feeling no remorse for what I've been doing? I don't feel bad at all, and that's what's been bothering me the most about the situation. I'm sworn to secrecy with all of this, so I have no one else to ask this advice of.
Signed,
No Conscience in Cleveland

Dear No Conscience,
Dude. So, your ex boyfriend is dating your best friend? And now you're cheating with him on her? ...?....!?

Have you ever heard the term Frenemy? A frenemy is someone disguised as a friend, who actually does not have your best interests in mind and will secretly tear you down while being ruthlessly friendly to your face.
You , at this moment, are a frenemy to this girl. So you need to cut it out.
Cut out pretending to be her friend. It’s not serving either of you.

Here is why I think that you feel nothing: You’re engaging in the old Eye for an Eye act. A song as old as time. You obviously have resentment towards this girl that you have not let go of, and now you’re getting your sweet revenge for their bad boundaries by having Even Worse boundaries. VERY anti feminist.

I'm sure it feels validating to get attention from someone who once dissed you, and to feel like you're better than your friend because he is Choosing You Over Her, but You are not Karma’s right hand man, and you don’t need to get your hands dirty by hurting someone else.

And on to your partner in crime:
How does this dude get off scott-free in the situation and get to throw it in BOTH of you, while simultaneously tearing you apart from each other? That makes me want to breathe fire. Not feminist. No girl solidarity happening here, just letting dudes create a wedge and scarcity dynamics between you. Not necessary.
Being supportive feminist allies in a patriarchal, misogynistic society is So Much More Important and soul nourishing than getting some sloppy seconds from your piece-of-shit, amoral EX boyfriend! Seriously. You have to know this.

I think there are healthier people in the world you can hang out with, and there is a path of least drama that is well worth taking if you want any mental relaxation in your life.
Life need not resemble and Avril Lavigne song.
Xoxo
n.g.

Hi Nicole,

Recently, I've started to notice things about myself that really didn't occur to me when I was younger. Mainly, how easily influenced I am by other people. I’m in university studying pre-med, but I don't really know why I decided to, or if I really want to. I'm really creative and pretty good at art but I didn't pursue it because I figured that I wouldn't make enough money doing it, and that In order to be really successful at it I would have to be better than I was. Everything from my likes to my dislikes has been influenced by my family or my friends. I don't really know anything about politics, current news or art history; I can't dance, play an instrument or even swim. I feel like I have nothing going for me and I want to change that, and try to discover who I am. I just don't know where to start. I'm having a total and complete identity crisis. I was hoping you could give me some suggestions on how I could get to know myself better, or reinvent myself so I am my own person.

Thanks for taking the time to read this

dazed and confused

Dear Dazed and Confused,
It seems like you need some headspace.
I wonder if, during the summertime, you can do something totally radical that you’ve always wanted to do?
Make a list of what you know makes you happy, or what you’ve always wanted to try. A literal, piece of paper list. Tack it up somewhere. Over your desk or on your refrigerator. Look at it every day. Add things to it as they come to mind.

If it were me, I would go do an internship at a farm or an animal refuge for a month (where you live there and work for free), then go visit a couple of friends out of town, then go and spend some time alone on the coast or in a cabin or on a trip. Three months full of solid reflection and nourishing inspiration. How does that sound?

If you need more time than the summer has to offer, Then I would like to remind you that No one is going to die if you leave school for a year. You can always re-apply if you leave and decide that it is actually your heart’s desire. Some people may be momentarily disappointed , but you may find a completely different, fulfilling, and nourishing new trajectory for your life, (plus the skill of bravery from standing up to your school or parents) which seems like a worthy trade off.
Wouldn’t it feel so much better to return to school on your own terms, knowing that this is something you are consciously Choosing after weighing all the different options for yourself?
Good Luck, and I hope you have a summer full of adventure and swimming lessons.

n.g.

hey nicole,

so there's this girl who's out to get me. i don't get it. we used to be good friends and then one day, she stopped talking to me completely. i asked her what was up and she said she didn't want to tell me. so i said "alright, if that's the way you feel" and left it at that. we haven't talked for months. then the other day, at my friend's birthday party, she stuffs cake all over my face and hair. in front of all my friends and everyone. what is her problem! (i even asked her this after she caked me and she laughed in my face and left the house.) i honestly don't know what to do. i can be the bigger person and just ignore it, but i also don't want her to mess with me anymore and i want her to leave me the fuck alone.

signed, fed up with high school drama bullshit.

Dear Fed Up with High School Drama Bullshit,

When reading this letter, I imagine the scenario kind of like a movie. And in the movie that is your life, I wish that when she started in on the cake shoving, that you responded by punching her in the face. But in real life, that would get you safer-spaced out of town in a heartbeat.
What you COULD do is practice some offense based self defense. Write her an email and say “I don’t know what your problem is, but you need to leave me the fuck alone.”

When you see her in public you don’t need to punk her out, but you do need to vibe that you need her to stay away from you. If she comes up to you, you have a right to say “Stay away from me. I am not into you.” If she doesn’t stay away from you, I think you should say it louder I ALREADY ASKED YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM ME. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. . , or just leave.
Is there a friend you have who can be your ally? Someone who can have your back if they see her messing with you? Not in a violent way, but if you need to leave a situation, or you need someone as a witness, they can be there to help out, and to give you a hug if you're feeling upset. I recommend it!
Good luck, and please know that I would be very willing to kick this person’s ass for you.
Sincerely
n.g.

Dear Nicole,
First, I just want to say I think yr advice column is the best there is. My situation is basically this. I currently live in an area far from Portland, OR, but I am making it my goal by January 2010 to move there. I have visited there twice, as I had dated someone there years back, and I fell in love with it. Could you possibly please assist me in any way with the best way to score a job in the non-profit social services field, and a place to live, whether or not I bring a friend or two from here out there with me when I/we move? I feel like this might be tricky, trying to land a job and an apartment when I essentially live on the other side of the country. I have moved around a lot in the past, and it's always failed, due to NOT going out there with a job nor a stable place to live, and I don't want to make that same mistake again. I'd appreciate any and all help you can give, and, again, I think yr advice is pretty much always right on target, so that's why I'm coming to you.

Love,
Depressed, Lonely, Cold, Tired, Cranky, and Poor in Not Portland

Dear DLCTCaPnNP,

Here is my real, practical advice:
Move here and sign up with a temp agency. You can probably afford to work part, or ¾ time in Portland and still totally thrive. While you are temping, send resumes to non profits; but mainly, start volunteering at a non profit that you like, so as to get your foot in the door. See if you like them, and get them to like you. The next time a job opens up, you will have displayed your dedication and good work ethic , and will have a much larger advantage in the company than if you were a random Portland transplant off the street looking for the same job.
There is something here called CNRG that is a list serve you can get on which posts non profit job openings and calls for volunteers.
As far as housing is concerned, I think you may have a hard time finding something from cold calling craigslist people. What you need is someone on the ground here in Portland to give you a heads up when living situations arise. In addition, I would consider looking up some rental agencies and keeping in touch with them about your situation, asking their advice, and seeing if they can find you some good apartments or houses before they get on the general, rat-race market.
Good luck!
Xoxo
n.g.

*image at top of page from LTTR

Getting Catty.

2008-12-09T19:04:00.000-08:00

Heyyy Nicole.

So about 6 months ago I got out of a pretty serious sometimes-long-distance relationship. It took me a few months to get over her, but now that I am, I'm so ready for something new. The bad news is that, being only 18 and graduating high school this spring, it's been difficult to find cute girls who aren't way older than me that I have to lie about my age to! Last weekend, though, I had coffee with a pretty cute bi girl that I know through my school's GSA that graduated last year and is going to the local university. During our conversation, the topic of crushes came up and she said that she had had a crush on me during high school. I said that I did too (not sure why; I didn't really), and after that the night kind of turned into a date.
My problem is that I don't think I'm that into her, and she keeps texting me saying things like "how was your day?" and "whatcha up to?". I don't want a girlfriend before we've even kissed (which she has never done with a girl, by the way)! But at the same time, it's kind of nice to be pursued and to know that I probably will get some action out of it. I just don't want the emotional attachment. Should I go through with it? Should I just drop it? Should I wait another nine months until I'm in college (the same college that she's going to...)?

Signed,
Anon

Dear Anon,

I think you should drop it.
It will only make you feel bad that you don’t share the feelings and level of seriousity that this person obviously has attached to you.
It would be best for you to find “action” with someone for whom this could be a little more free wheeling and less loaded (i.e. her first lesbionic kiss).

Sincerely,
n.g.

Dear Nicole,
my friend recently false advertised something as a "cat are collective". I really liked the idea, being a cat artist myself, and got really excited. When I went to check it out it was nothing but a dance ensemble. WHAT? Dance is art too.. but come on! So, I told her I would consider making an actual cat art collective.. with all mediums and she never responded to the proposal. Was this bad? I dont' want to start any wars.. but if I did start one, would you join?
Cat Warrior

Dear Cat Warrior,
1. I think that when you brought the word ACTUAL into the conversation, you stepped on some toes. Sounds offensive. I advise and apology.
2. I would not join a cat art collective. If it were a collective of cats on their hind legs who wore berets and worked on paintings all day, then MAYBE; but as it is, i have a hard enough time mastering the face of the feline alone without having to Share or work around other Humans.

Dear Nicole,

I have a few problems in my life right now. The first problem is that I can't stop being attracted to people I don't like very much, like big burly mountain men, manarchists, and blond stumptown baristas. The second problem is that I can't stop sleeping over ten hours every night! The third problem is that I can't stop going on the internet when I'm supposed to be doing other stuff, like right now. Which I guess says something about my fourth problem, which is that I need to do a lot of stuff that I can't seem to do. Could you come up with one solution, because I don't have a lot of time in my life to devote to self-improvement.

Thanks
Can't stop doing stuff, Portland

Dear Can’t Stop,

1. Try going out on a date with one of these people you don’t like very much. I'm totally serious. If truly, you don’t like each other in real life, then perhaps the experience will leave you with the lasting gift of an Awkward Memory which you can access the next time you're faced with a burly Stumptown manarchist.

2. Maybe your body needs ten hours of sleep a night right now. Eat at least one serving of dark leafy greens a day, and try waking yourself up in the morning with an Emergen-C packet in your water dish.

3. Have entire Computer Free Days , where you do every bit of work you can possibly do that does not involve a computer. Don’t open it when you wake up in the morning, don’t check it at noon. Only after you get every scrap of work done are you permitted to glance at the world wide web. Hide your computer under your bed if need-be, or put a sheet over it with a note that says DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME.

4. Other than that, schedule internet breaks into your daily schedule, and stick to them.
A sample would be: 10-11 a.m. work on term paper 11-2 p.m. research dog care 2-2:20 check myspace 2:20-3 eat Linner

Good luck.

n.g.

Dear Nicole,
I just recently started a band. My first band ever! Two of the three other bandmates have played together before and are very familiar with each others style. The third person in our band is new to our circle and is very talented. All their styles kind of clash, but when they jammed (they because I just sing and watch.. and refill beers)they sounded amazing!
Within an hour they had their first song written.. (is that good?).

Anyhow.. a few days later (after what I thought to be a successful practice) my long term grumpy friend of course said she didn't know about the new girl, said maybe she was "a little too much". I found her "little too much" actually to be an asset.

The complaining girl has a history of complaining about everyone so I didn't take it to heart. The thing I want to know.. is, how can I keep her on track? I told her is she wasn't comfortable with the girl that she should address it with her to prevent future awkwardness between us all, but she won't. SO! What do I do? I don't want to be an amazing band where one person is talking shit about the others the whole time.. that vibe potentially could ruin the whole experience. On the other hand, I could take if for face value.. that she really is never satisfied with anything or anyone.. and let it go. I just am confused as I have never been in this situation.

Signed, Band Mate in Bend

Dear Bandmate,

I would never want to be in a band with somebody who I knew would complain about me to our fellow bandmates from the get-go. That sounds like a recipe for drama.
Your bandmate sounds like a bad combination of Debbie Downer plus a coward. If this is a sign of what is to come, I say Get Out Now. You are all taking creative risks, and if one person is going to be a catty shithead about it, it ruins the fun for everyone.
Plenty of bands need singers, I say find another.
BUT
in case you don't want to follow my advice, and decide to stay in this situation, avoid drama by cutting her off. "I can't talk about our band mates behind their backs. Sorry. Talk to her about it." is all you need to say.

Hold Your Horses

2008-12-09T14:12:00.000-08:00

Hold your horses. The column will be up tonight or tomorrow morning. At The Latest!

xoxo
n.g.

NJG on WK Radio This Friday!

2008-12-03T08:37:00.000-08:00

Hi there. I am going to be on WK Radio this Friday from 9:30 a.m. - 10:30 a.m. Giving live advice.

But i need your help!

If you would like to ask a question on the air, please send me your name, your phone number, and the topic of your call. I will call you on Friday and we can talk about your problems!
Email advice at nicole j. georges dot com

Iceberg Lettuce, Alaska, and a Nymphomaniac.

2008-12-02T14:03:00.000-08:00

Hi Nicole,

I'm a gay girl who lives in a sizable but not huge town in central Kentucky. I've been out for two years. I'm 21.

Pretty much all of my friends are straight.

I have close friends, lots of casual friends, and many acquaintances. I feel like my social network grows each and every day. I'm a friendly, amiable person. I go out all the time (to parties, shows, etc.) and I'm sociable. I meet new people. I get along with people well.

But a lot of the time I just end up falling for straight girls because that's who I am around the most.

I want a girlfriend or just some kind of experience. I've drunkenly made out with a friend twice and that's all I got.

All my friends tell me that I either need to a) make friends with "the lesbians" and/or b) go out to the gay clubs and bars more. The thing is, I don't have the time to make a bunch of new friends. And I think it's kinda backwards to try to become friends with someone just based on their sexual orientation.

They tell me I'm an awesome person and I'm cute and that I deserve to have a girlfriend or hook-up or whatever. They say I don't put myself out there and I should just go up to girls and start making out with them. I tell them that I don't have that much confidence and even if I did I'm afraid of committing sexual harassment in that situation.

And of course I feel lame and left out when everyone else is hooking up and getting boyfriends and girlfriends and I'm going home alone again. I can't help but be intensely jealous.

Is it just a waiting game? Or do I need to throw myself into the culture? Is it possible to get a girlfriend without being friends with lesbians and going out to gay bars all the time?

Frustrated and Waiting

Hi Frustrated and Waiting,
Okay man. Let me break it down for you:
1. It is NOT backwards to make friends with people based on something that you have in common. Don’t be ridiculous. That’s how humans get along , their commonalities. In this case, it’s sexual orientation.
You hanging out with only straight people and wondering why you don’t have a girlfriend is like me going to Outback Steakhouse and wondering why I wasn’t served tofu. Your drunken straight girl makeouts? The equivalent to an iceburg lettuce salad. No nutritional value! Unsustainable as food! You don’t need it.

2. If I were you, I would try to find a gay function in my town via the internet. Make Myspace friends with a lesbian in your land and let her lead you to a potluck or a book club or a dyke show.
OR , go to anything labeled “feminist” and you will find your people. Seriously.
Do not listen to your friends who say to just “walk up to someone and make out with them”. That is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

3. Go to a gay bar. Bring a friend who could not be construed as your date. An obviously gay man would be my choice for this. Look friendly. Talk to people as a team (it will take the pressure off), buy somebody a drink. Mingle!
Make eye contact and try to send heart fluttering vibes the way of someone you think is cute.
Sneak a note into someone’s pocket telling them that you want to have coffee with them. Something!
The worst that could happen is they suck or they’re not interested.
No problem, just bid them farewell and return to your friend whom you came with.
In conclusion,
I find it is very fulfilling to hang out with people who have core similarities to myself. Be it vegetarianism, punk, or an understanding of queer culture. You will be surprised how different it feels to be around a pack of lesbians than a pack of straight dudes, FaW, I guarantee it.
Give it a shot and Go get what you deserve. Tofu, greens, fisting and all..

hi nicole,
so my ex and i ended on not so great terms (yelling, slamming doors, etc) and we also had a rocky relationship that should have ended ages before it did. We haven't talked in 3 months. I have a new gf, that I'm really happy about.
the question: her birthday is coming up in a week or so... do I send her a simple card to let her know I still care and maybe we can be friends in the future? Or do I let it die and move on?? Thanks!
Sincerely,
Anonymous

Hi there, Door slammer.
I think you should send a very simple note that says someone along the lines of “I hope you have a really nice birthday. Sincerely, so and so”. I don’t think you need to get wordy or mention the hope of friendship some day, just let her know that you remember and that you are a person in the universe who still cares.
Good luck!
n.g.

Dear Nicole,
I moved to a new town recently and have been going on internet dates like three times a week. I am not finding what I want. I’ve left a wake of one night stands, And the only guys interested in dating me are the ones I never want to see again. Have I cursed myself into nympho-dom?
Signed,
e-maler

Dear E-Maler,
What is your goal in online dating? If it’s to get laid, then I think you’re doing a good job. But from your letter, it appears that you’re not looking to get laid by the greater metro area.
It seems like you want a date.

If you’re looking for a boyfriend, then Slow down!
You are not obligated to have sex with someone just because they are cute and available

First order of business:
STOP SLEEPING WITH PEOPLE ON THE FIRST DATE. In order to figure out someone’s potential , you need to talk to them. I think conversations will flow more easily and honestly WITHOUT a dick in the mouth of either participant.
So Slow Down. It’s not going to fall off if you don’t use it, and if it’s the right person, you have the rest of your lives (or you know, the rest of the relationship) to fuck each other’s faces off.

RELEASE THE BEAST. I’ll bet that after going on three dates a week for however long, you have a solid Little Black Book of sex partners. There has got to be at least one person in there who would be stoked to have you as their Friend With Benefits. You could sleep with this person once or twice a week (without sleeping over or giving them the wrong impression) just to take the edge off, so that you don’t feel like a blood thirsty vampire gazing upon an exposed neck when you’re on a first date with somebody totally hot and likable. It will also let you focus on the person’s personality on the first date, which is way way more important for boyfriendship than their ass riding abilities.

Good luck. And don’t catch anything.

p.s.
You can have great sex with someone you hate. Keep that in mind. Doing it with someone straight away will not tell you anything about their ability to be your boyfriend.

Dear Nicole,
What do you do if your ex-boyfriend offers to buy you a plane ticket to Alaska to visit him & you’ve always always always wanted to go to Alaska, like since high school, but you’re pretty sure you’ll have to put out for said plane ticket once you get there and the last time he visited it was nice pretending to be bf/gf again, but also weird and you promised yourself you wouldn’t sleep with him anymore, still you really really want to go to Alaska, should you go or not?
Signed,
Nun-nook

Dear Nun-nook,
If you promised yourself that you wouldn’t sleep with him anymore, Then you should not go to Alaska.
Think of how much better (and less like the movie Pretty Woman) it would feel to plan a trip to Alaska with a friend whom you do not feel sex pressure or emotional strain with. Empowering! Fun! No emotional damage necessary!

Sincerely
n.g.
p.s. I would also advise you to make clear to this person that you can’t sleep with him any more because you are not dating and it makes you feel conflicted. Instead of having the specter of a false and loaded relationship hanging over your friendship, you can have honesty and clarity and start something new and more light hearted with him. Consider.

SURVEY QUESTION FOR READERS:

What percentage of Lesbians do you think engage in fisting?

Please comment your response. We are taking a poll.
You are also welcome to note the following with your answer:
-Whether you have large or small hands and
-Whether you have ever actually engaged in this activity we call Fisting.

I am being totally serious. Thank you for your help with this matter!

Dog Models, Pubic Lice, Kin, Mental Illness, and Feminity.

2008-11-25T12:50:00.000-08:00

Hi Nicole!

I have a dog question. There is this dog that lives in my neighborhood, that gets walked around a lot, and it is the most beautiful dog I think I've ever seen. It is very unusual looking. It's body and shape resemble a large greyhound, but it has really really silky long hair all over it's body that flows like a pony's and glints in the waning summer sun. In my head I call this dog America's Next Top Dog Model because it is so gorgeous and has a great, confident stride.

What breed is this dog? I don't know how to Google this because I think the phrase "dog that looks like Gisele Bundchen" would not give me the results am looking for. I don't want to ask the person walking it because I don't want to bother them.

What do you think?

-- Tyra Mail

Dear Tyra Mail,
I believe the dog you are referring to is an Afghan.
Afghans remind me of the model Iman.
Good luck in your dog watching career.

Sincerely
n.g.

Hi Nicole,
I feel like I should start off by saying that I wouldn't really call
myself a dog lover. I like dogs a lot, and my family had a wonderful
border collie for much of my childhood. However, I have a tendency to be
on guard around dogs, and I find myself easily frightened by them.

Recently, I have had multiple terrifying (for me) incidents with a
neighborhood dog. So one morning I went out for a short run, and just as I
crossed Killingsworth this bonkers dog, a medium sized black lab, starts
tearing after me, barking with all his might. I starting panicking and ran
up a strangers driveway as fast as I could. I cowered in the backyard for
several minutes, trying to decide if I could jump over a fence to escape.
I tried to inch back out the driveway to see if the dog was still there,
and as soon as he saw me he started barking again. I felt like he was
screaming "I'm gonna get you lady! I can't wait til you come down here so
I can tear your head off!" Finally I heard a truck coming and ran out
while I thought the dog couldn't see me. I survived the rest of the run
unscathed and didn't return to that corner.

Then, that evening I was riding my bike home from downtown, more than
twelve hours after the first incident. And as I turn down my street, who's
there? The dog! I freaked out and started pedaling as fast as I could. I
decided to try and call animal control, as this dog had obviously been
outside, unleashed, for the whole day. But when I tried to call there was
no one available at 10pm, and I forgot about it by the next day.

Another week passed and one morning, as I was riding to work, I pass the
corner where this dog lives, and he's out with his owner, who is walking
him off-leash. I look over for a second, and the dog starts barking and
once again tears after me. I once again started pedaling as fast as I
could. I also screamed a string of obscenities, and when I finally outran
the dog I shouted "you better fucking control this dog or I'm going to
fucking call animal control!"

Since then I have mostly avoided that corner as I do not want to have
another run in with this dog. I have horrifying visions of being attacked
and knocked off my bike. I did ride by once, though, and the dog was in a
tiny fenced-in area no bigger than 4"x5", and he barked his head off at
me.

More than anything, though, I'm worried about the welfare of this dog. Why
is he so nuts? Is he being treated ok? It really doesn't look like it.
Would you recommend calling animal control, or trying to knock on the door
and talking to the owner? I once lived next door to some aggressive,
abused pit bulls and I have always felt guilty for not calling animal
control on their owners. I want to do the right thing for this dog, and I
also don't want to feel afraid to go down my own street! What do you think
I should do?

Thanks,
Depressed for Dogs

Dear Depressed for Dogs,

First off, let me say that this dog shouldn’t have free run of the streets. Forget the fact that he’s chasing human beings, he could run into the road and get hit by a car for goodness sakes!

How to get him inside?
I think you should take some kava, take a bath, smoke a joint, listen to reggae- whatever it is that makes you feel relaxed. When you are at your most peaceful and right-with-the-world, I want you to write this note: “Hi there. I am writing to request that you not let your dog off-leash. I have been chased by him several times, and it is frightening! Thank you for your help. Sincerely, scared neighbor.” Do not add any threats or accusations. Just the facts. If nothing comes of it and you see Cujo McKillingsworth on the loose again, call animal control and let them know what’s going on. I know from personal experience (ahem) that they will visit your neighbors and give them a talking to.

As for you-
I’m going to choose an unpopular path here called “Blame the Victim”.
I can sense fear. You can sense fear. DOGS can sense fear. When you see a dog and go tense and start booking it, the dog sees you as either a playmate to be chased, or PREY to be chased! I know it seems totally counter-intuitive (and don’t sue me if this doesn’t work), but you need to stand your ground and make yourself stronger and bigger than the dog. Say “NO!” very loudly. Not like a freaked out whiner, but like a big strong animal. “NO! GO HOME!” and point away from you. Put your bike in between you and the dog. Do not lunge at the dog. Do not look him in the eye. Just stand your ground and let it know that you mean business. You are a pack leader!

You are stronger than the dog. Worry not.

Sincerely
n.g.

p.s. do NOT bite the dog. Even if you are on a power trip from being pack leader.

p.p.s. don't SLAM your bike in the front of the dog if you put it in between the two of you. Just matter of factly stand behind it and act powerful. Or in front of it. You are powerful! Don't let a dog trip you out.

Dear Nicole the Awesome!

Three years ago I found out that I have a half-aunt, a half-sister of
my dad, whom nobody living in the family knew about. My dad and his
brother met her and talked for awhile, and took some pictures, her
face is so much like my grandpa's it's astounding. She grew up in
Portland during WWII, got married, had kids and eventually moved to
Phoenix.

But that's not the question.

Fast forward two and a half years, I got a job downtown that requires
lots of walking and thus, people-watching. I started seeing this guy
around town who also looks tons like my grandpa. I've seen him around
about four or five times and am 99% sure he's one of my cousins.

So what would be the protocol as to approaching a maybe-cousin? I've
thought about walking up with a picture of my grandpa and barrelling
"OMG ARE YOU MY COUSIN LOL?" or approaching cautiously and asking,
"pardon me, are you related to so-and-so?" The situation is so
bizarre, I don't know how to approach him and placate my curiosity.
Help!

Thanks,
More Family than Previously Thought

Dear More Family than Previously Thought,

Once, when I lived in Kansas City, my friend Danielle was approached by a man in the coffee shop. He grabbed her and said (verbatim) “I don't know if you'll claim me, but we's cousins! Look, we got the same face!” and he pointed from her face to his own. Turned out they were not cousins, and we all got a good laugh saying “Hey Danielle, I don't know if you'll claim me....” for the next three years.
That said....
I think you should approach him!
Say, “Hey, this is going to sound weird, but are you related to So and So?” if they say no, then you can say “Ohhh. Sorry to bug you. You just look so much like him!” No need to delve deeply into your family tree. If it is your cousin , then Huzzah! You can have a reunion right there in the street!
There’s no harm in asking.
Good luck!
Sincerely
n.g.

Dear Nicole,

What do you know about STIs? Don't worry, this isn't a "do-I-have-herpes" letter; please keep reading. I'm a gal who's been with a gal for almost two years. The last time I went to the gynecologist and she asked if I was sexually active I said yes, I have sex with a gal. She said, "Oh, good, then, we don't need to test you for anything." I said something like "WTF?" but unfortunately had nothing more articulate to offer. Then she launched into a story about how some doctor she knew didn't test this lesbian but then it turned out she'd had sex with a man before and therefore had chlamydia! Bad, irresponsible doctor.

Anyway. I know there are STIs you can get from oral sex and maybe other kinds of lesbian encounters. But what exactly are they? I want to go into the gynecologist's office armed with information this time. I looked online but could only find information about gay men. My girlfriend hasn't been tested for anything because of a similar experience. Can you help a health-concerned queer girl out?

Proactive Patient

Dear Proactive Patient,
Oh brother.
If I had a dime for every lesbian I know whose doctor tried to talk them out of STI testing , I’d have at least a dollar. Maybe even two! This sort of b.s. happens all the time, and I genuinely feel for you.
In my experience they see that I have sex with women, take a quick look downstairs and try to send me out the door. You must be persistent and insistent! Lesbians demand equal access to heinous disease diagnosis and care! We can be riddled with germs too, you know!
I basically had to arm wrestle my way into an HIV test the last time that I was at the clinic, but was so happy afterwards to not have gone with their head-in-the-sand, “you’re PROBABLY okay” philosophy , and instead know for a Fact that I’m not spreading germs across the land.
According to http://www.4women.gov/FAQ/lesbian-health.cfm,

Lesbian women are at risk for many of the same STDs as heterosexual women.

Lesbian women can transmit STDs to each other through skin-to-skin contact, mucosa contact, vaginal fluids, and menstrual blood. Sharing sex toys is another method of transmitting STDs.
These are common STDs that can be passed between women: Bacterial vaginosis, Human papillomavirus (HPV), Trichomoniasis “Trich”, Herpes, and Syphilis. Less common, but still available, are Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, HIV/AIDS, and my favorite.... Pubic Lice!!! (the symptoms of which were “itching, and Finding Lice”)!

Take that to your doctor, my sapphic friend.

Sincerely
N.g.

Dear Nicole,

I was wondering if you had any advice on dealing with the stigma of having a mental illness. I try to avoid the topic with most people at all costs but at the same time feel I am only perpetuating the stigma by acting as if it is something to be horribly ashamed of. It's not that I haven't dealt with this type of thing before. I am a gay, genderqueer, young mom, in a fairly small town, who is mistaken for a teenage boy quite often. I have never been afraid to be open about these things and let judgments and criticisms of others roll off easily. I am manic depressive and unable to keep "normal" forms of employment due to panic attacks, severe anxiety etc.

I am a musician and performer and when I meet new people and have that normal, "So, where do you work?" "What do you do?" get to know you conversation, I find myself responding with, "I'm working on music and looking for a new job and blah, blah, blah." Because in most cases if I were to say "I don't work due to a mental illness but I am on public house/assistance so I can focus on parenting, music and managing my head space and meds." due to the extreme stigma of mental illnesses, I would most likely be looked at as ingenuine and unreliable.

A good example of the kind of mentality I want to learn to deal with, without people getting freaked out or scared away if they learn of my disabillity, is how shitty it is when people use the word "gay" as a derogatory term. I mean really. How is it any different to say something is "retarded" or "lame" or to call someone who is flaky, eccentric etc. "a total schizo" or "bipolar."
I am painfully shy but also a very passionate musician and performer. I don't want to miss out on creative opportunities because people might define there interpretation of me by my illness, rather than getting to know ME. I also want to do the best I can to fight the stigma and set a good example and inspire others to speak out. I deal with all of this on a very regular basis and was wondering what your approach would be.
Sincerely,
Curious Queer Parent

Dear Curious Queer Parent,
It is none of people’s business how you keep a roof over your head. If they ask what you do, be honest. “I’m a musician and a mom.” Once you have deduced that said inquirer is not an a-hole, you can tell them the parts of your story that are more sensitive, including your mental health status.
I say wait only to keep yourself safe.
If someone is having to ask this kind of introductory question, they are obviously not a great friend yet, and so do not necessarily need to know your life story.
As for the stigma and invisibility, I have a couple of suggestions:
-I think it’s important to stage interruptions if people are using language that is problematic for you (i.e. Schizo, bipolar, etc). “Hey, I’m not sure if you thought that through, but it’s actually pretty offensive to use the word Schizo so liberally. Some people actually ARE schizophrenic and it could be hurtful.” Or throw in a lie, “My brother is schizophrenic. It’s actually pretty hard for me to hear you throw that term around so casually.” Or just out yourself “Hey, I’m not sure if you knew this, but I have mental illness . It’s pretty intense when you toss around terms like that. I just wanted to let you know. It makes me really uncomfortable.”
-If you’re up for it, it could be important to be an out musician with mental illness. Through lyrics or talking at shows. Through zines or the things you make available at your merch table or website. Encourage dialog with fans who may be facing similar conditions.
You are a face for your mental illness, but you don’t need to be defined solely by your mental illness. Give people a chance to see it in context of a person who is an excellent musician, mother, and ally. Not the other way around.

Hi nicole

i've known someone for about 9 months now and i'm more attracted to her now then anyone i've ever met. that has never happened. and i'm no spring chicken. if i reach the "just friends" part of a friendship with someone, i'm fine with that. but this time it breaks my heart. she's amazing. inspiring. hot. we have so much in common. talk on the phone for hours. people have asked me if we're dating. she always asks me to go to her events/performances that she's in. and she always supportive and comes to mine. when we first met it was abrupt and there was an attraction. but she soon told me i was too feminine for her. and i'm not writing this in lingerie and heels - i'm more middle of the road. that was 8 months ago. it's so tempting to spill the beans to her. but i do not want to alter our friendship because it's so unlike any other. she fills a gap that no one else could. it's the age old question of what the next move is. to take the leap and risk to put my feelings out there and see how she responds. or just accept things the way they are and be ok with that. don't want to be rejected twice.

xx
once bitten, twice shy

Dear Twice Shy,
First of all, I like that you referred to yourself as "no spring chicken", and also made it clear that you weren't writing me wearing a teddy and high heels.
But as for your question,

What a tragedy! I’m so sorry to hear about you situation.

At this stage I think that truly y’all are Just Friends.
If she wanted something more than that she would have made it known. That is my gut feeling on the situation.
I write this as someone who been on both sides of unrequited-love-infected friendships, and someone who, for the life of me, cannot get it up for people whose gender expression is too close to my own.

But.
Are you looking for love here, or are you looking for honesty? If you’re looking for love, I don’t think it’s going to happen.
If you’re looking to move on, consider:
Do you need to tell her in order to move forward with the friendship? To have it out of the way? All cards on the table?
If I were you I would say it over coffee, or have her over for dinner or cards (just to be poetic).
In your shoes, this is exactly what I would say (but probably if I said it there wouldn’t be spaces in between the words b/c I’d be speaking so fast):
“I want you to know that I have a crush on you and I wish you had a crush on me too, but I don’t think that you do. I want to be your friend. I think you’re great. I just wanted to get this out of the way so we could have an honest friendship with no weirdness in between us. Okay. Phew, I feel nervous. “

But. If you can get over it on your own, I say do it.
Less processing.

Good luck.

n.g.

Hot For Teacher, with guest star, Prof C.J.

2008-11-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

Guest Columnist Professor C.J. weighs in on the teacher student relationship.

Dear Nicole,

Im a freshman in college and signed up for a queer theory class in the women's studies department. First I was just excited and a little nervous about the reading and being the only freshman in a classroom full of seniors. Then a girl walked in and my face dropped, shes absolutely perfect! Totally surpasses any cute girl that might have caught my eye before. She has gorgeous tattoos and a cute haircut and wears keds and pulls out a copy of "Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity" and is all around completely what im looking for, I swear its like love at first sight. One catch, she turns out to be the teacher!

I've been in the class for a little over a month now and dont know what to do. I find myself doing silly things and imagine what kissing her is like and if her feet get cold under the covers while shes lecturing us on Foucault. I get all hot and bothered when she asks me a question and smiles at my answer. She's relatively young, 27 or so and is a graduate student at the school. Nicole, what is the appropriateness of the situation? I feel like I would be very much her type, should I go for it? If so, how? Or are student-teacher relationships still a big no? Is an 8 year age gap still too large at my age? After all, Lindsey Lohan and Sam Ronson are like 10 years apart, right? I mean, i've always liked the idea of having an affair with a professor.

Sincerely,
Hot For Teacher

Dear Hot For Teacher,

A student once confessed a crush on me via e-mail. I was surprised but
also not surprised, and I was also flattered, and momentarily a little
freaked out, and I was also extremely relieved that she did not tell
me until she had dropped my class. Verily I say unto you:

Do not. Confess. Your crush. To your teacher. At least not now.
Whether she is appalled or overjoyed, such a confession will fuck up
her entire semester. She has to perform every class with you sitting
right there in front of her. (Teaching is a performance art, believe
me--and the moment you become self-conscious in front of a classroom,
you lose it.) As soon as you drop that bomb, it will forever alter the
dynamic between you, and that will infect the way she teaches the
entire class.

Let's think about this. In your worst-case scenario, she turns you
down and you feel like a dumbass and she feels awkward and embarrassed
and you should probably drop the class.

In your best-case pegasus-and-rainbows fantasy scenario, the teacher
has weak professional boundaries and no qualms about dating a
teenager, and both of you have to finish out the class hiding your
relationship so she does not get in trouble. This might sound hot, but
it is not. It is more like acid-reflux-inducing. Because if your
illicit love is discovered, she will at best be scoffed at by her
graduate student peers and the subject of endless snarky cracks both
to her face and behind her back (as I saw firsthand with an otherwise
likable grad school colleague who, at age 27, dated one of his
freshmen, to collective disgust), and at worst might raise the ire of
her supervisors and perhaps even cause her to lose her graduate
teaching assistantship, which is not only the source of her income to
pay for grad school but also the foundation of any hope she has for a
career in higher education.

I know that sounds dramatic, but it's all possible. It is never good
to start off one's teaching career with a relationship with a student.
Only old tenured dudes can get away with that.

And anyway, keep in mind that it's way cooler for a 19-year-old to
date a 27-year-old than vice versa.

Lastly: Although I can't guarantee it will win her heart, the
guaranteed way to win her favor is to be the Best Student Ever.
Utterly kick ass in that class. Do all the readings and take notes and
speak up in class (but don't dominate! listening well and responding
thoughtfully are even more important!) and ask good questions and
write smart, well-proofread, well-researched papers. Even if she
doesn't fall in love with you, you will benefit from being an awesome
student, the whole class will benefit from having a more engaged and
well-read classmate, and both these things will make her totally
psyched.

From the Road....

2008-11-06T16:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,
Hello there. I write you from the road, as I am currently on a book tour with sts and Katy Davidson. I have asked my tourmates to join me in the advice business. We advised after much whiskey, from a Red Roof Inn in West Lafayette, Indiana.

Dear Nicole,

i love my girlfriend and am fiercely dedicated. however, lately she's been suffering from complications of a lifelong health disorder that is usually no big deal but recently reared its ugly head for the last few weeks and I've been her bedside companion for pretty much the full stretch (evenings, weekends - i do have a busy daytime work life after all!). dude, i am so tired of illness and despair! i want to breathe fresh air and ride my bike and laugh and be excited to be alive! how can i manage to stay devoted to my sick sweetie and get out and be a part of the world without feeling guilty?

signed,
Diabetic Downer in Delaware

sts: Schedule Time for Yourself. Your sweetie will understand b/c she will see the change in your eyes when she’s happy to see you genuinely full of life, and it will hasten her healing process. Occasionally you should throw her in a wheelchair and take her to Gaycation. Just the early hours before it gets too crowded. A half hour tops. Maybe you could take the lift so she can designatedly drive you home. Maybe you could have a shot of whiskey. I also want to affirm that your feelings are healthy and normal and if your girlfriend loves you, she will support you taking a few nights off for yourself.

Katy: that was pretty brilliant. So quick. I agree.

Dear Nicole,

I had always considered myself "bisexual" (ugh, why is that such a bad word.), but like many a queer girl (j/k) found myself practically married to a bio-dude for several years (like 4). Eventually bio-dude really wanted to tie the knot and I was like WHOA I LIKE GIRLS TOO AND I CAN'T BE WITH YOU FOREVER and since having THE WORST BREAKUP EVER, have only dated women. A couple of months ago, I met a really nice BIO-DUDE. We hung out a few times and he turned out to be really cool, nice and handsome. On our first "date", he told me he was basically seeing someone in a faraway country and had plans to move there in a few months to be with her for a few months which made me think it wasn't really a date. But on our second "date" one of the first things he told me was that his long distance girlfriend and him were in an open relationship. Then he spent the night at my place but nothing happened. On our third date, we spent the entire night making out while listening to records. BUT DIDN'T HAVE SEX. There was also alcohol involved and he has since decided to try and be sober for awhile.

Now he still lives in small-town Olympia, while I have moved to slightly larger Portland and I don't plan on returning. Only problem is that due to some prior work commitments, I return to Olympia once a week and spend the night with him even though we haven't known each other that long and I could stay with about a million other people I am technically better friends with--he has insisted I stay with him even going so far as to GIVE ME A KEY (!). But we sleep in the same bed and it's nice and intimate cuddly style BUT WE HAVE NEVER MADE OUT AGAIN. What the F, Nicole?! Did I set sail on the friend-boat or has he had a change of heart due to the fact that oh you know HE'S MOVING TO BE WITH SOME OTHER GIRL or did making out with me drive him to sober up and take off those beer goggles (OK, that's just my low self esteem talking)? I just want to fool around knowing I won't be in Olympia much longer and he won't be in the U.S. for too much longer. But I don't know how to bring it up without alcohol frankly. Do I need to get him drunk on Kombucha? Do I need to stay away from boys? I don't want to give him back his key because its fun to cuddle, but sadly I would like more.

xoxo
Going through hetero adolescence again

Sts: move along is what I say. Turn the page. Nothing else to say.

Katy: I’m kind of shaking my head at the whole thing. Also, I completely zoned out for a third of that. He’s leaving. Just let him leave.

Sts: don’t cuddle him. What’s the use?

Katy: You can put that I agree.

Nicole: Yeah. Me too.

Dear Nicole,

Does existence precede essence, or does essence precede existence?

-Sparx
San Francisco

Katy (while doing fake yoga): fuck. (Laughter). That’s a great question.
I don’t know what to say.

Sts: they were created simultaneously.

Katy: Boom. So Wise.

Sts: I am 35. When you get to be this age...

Katy: I’ve got a few years to go

Dear Nicole,

When I first moved to Portland in the early 2000s, nearly everyone I met was vegan or vegetarian, which was great because I am a longtime vegetarian hailing from a not-so-veggie-friendly southern town. As time has worn on, nearly all of those people have gone carnivorous. This depresses me. It makes me feel like some of my friends were never actually doing it for moral or ethical reasons, rather just because it was the cool thing at the time. It makes me wonder what other elements of their moral/ethical fiber are so easily changeable. These days, I meet so few vegetarians that when I do, it is a major bonding point. Then when these people almost inevitably hop on the beef train, I feel somewhat betrayed. I generally try to play it cool, but lately its really getting to me. Is there anything I can say to make my friends think twice about taking the plunge into Baconville? I don't want to lose their friendships over it, but its hard to just stand by and watch all these former vegans wolfing down bacon cheeseburgers like there's no tomorrow. What's your take on this situation?

Sincerely,
Meat Is Still Murder, Right?

Dear Meat Is Still Murder, Right?

Sts: Is there anything that anyone could’ve said to you to keep you from eating meat?

Katy: I don’t know. If they handed me the vegan brochure again...

Sts: I don’t think there’s anything you can do to stop ppl from eatin meat and sometime you have to grow up and mature and realize it’s a personal choice not a political choice from people eventually.

Katy: WISE! Wise! You’re so good at this!

Sts: I don’t know any vegetarians either. Nicole’s one of the only ones.
I guess my question is ,I don’t understand how ppl go from having consciousness to not. Eating meat feels like eating a human to me... But I know and love many ppl who eat meat I don’t judge it I just don’t understand it. It’s probably how straight ppl feel about gay ppl , they just don’t understand it.

Dear Nicole,
My partner and I have been together for over a year, are living together and definitely in it for the long haul. This is my first long term and frankly "real" relationship I've had. We've forced each other to stop our promiscuous tendencies and bitchy games (mostly) because we're oh so gosh in love.

This is all great, but after the puppy love has faded and you know all those dumb stories about each other, what now? Neither of us are going anywhere and we both know that and I think that's kind of made us both lazy.

Still, I want to know even more about them, I want this to keep going and keep learning together. Are there things I could actively do to give our pairing a boost?

Young and Inexperienced Portlander

sts : read my zine, So You Think You Can Three Way.
Role play that you’re each other’s parents, and... what would they do?
I say, don’t look to your partner for entertainment. When you look outside your relationship for entertainment value , you find that your partner is a nice place of respite from the world.

Katy: Wise. VERY Wise.

Sts: never look to your partner for your main source of entertainment, you will always be disappointed.

Katy: dude. I am SO vibing you right now.
She is so tapped in. Just on it.
There’s a central theme to all you have to say. Which I think it exciting. BE YOURSELF. I’m being completely serious. Dude.

I’m summarizing sts’s advice for any question at all :
Be yourself. Don’t forget who you are.
Things will stay exciting with your person if you have any chemistry at all.
IF you stay true to yourself. And don’t get completely lost in someone else.
Which is admittedly fucking easy to do.

Sts: the flip side of that is that ppl who’ve made the commitment to live with each other have to ACTIVELY seek hot situations b/c they won’t present themselves by living with each other.

You have to actively search.
And actively create.

Katy : I’m basically sts’s hype man.

vacation

2008-10-15T23:19:00.000-07:00

I'm not technically doing anything relaxing, but it is currently calendar crunch time mixed with a trip to San Francisco and the last week before tour...
so.

This week i didn't post any advice. If you send me really excellent questions, we can talk about sustaining relationships, teacher- student boundaries and MORE very soon.

Thank you very much.

Sincerely
n.g.

Harshing All Kinds of Mellows

2008-10-07T16:05:00.001-07:00

Dear Nicole, can a person be in love with someone they've never met, only emailed, texted and spoke on the phone with? Also, how long does it take a person to fall in love with another person? Is there any data on this? I might be in love but it seems impossible. If so, do you have any ideas about what my deal might be?
Thanks for your help.
Signed,
Absolutely Cuckoo.

Dear Absolutely Cuckoo,

No. You cannot be in love with someone you've never met. Sorry, internet romancers.

Please humor me and imagine someone you know who might be good on paper but is SO ANNOYING in real life. Maybe they photograph well and can talk a good game, but you know that they are hideously destructive or codependent or have really really bad breath. This could be your long distance lover!
Do i think you should give up on love and be a miserly curmudgeon?
No!
But i do think that we should differentiate so as not to build a cardio house of cards.
Your heart is important and should be protected with something more sensible than dirty texts and myspace comments.

I diagnose that you are In Like with this person, and maybe even Infatuated with them.

You want some data on the difference between Like and Love? Here you go, straight from www.loveisgreat.com (it gets a little flowery, but we're talking about love so i think you'll be okay):

Infatuation vs. Love

Infatuation is instant desire - one set of glands calling to another.

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by their presence, even when they are away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know they are yours, and you can wait.

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing them."

Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.

Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship, which makes sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When they're away, you wonder if they're cheating. Sometimes, you check.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. They feel your trust, and it makes them even more trustworthy.

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.

Love is an upper. It makes you feel whole. It completes the circle. It fills the empty space in your heart. Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you don't have. If there is no love in your life, whatever else there is has a lot less meaning.

In other news,

Think of the pheremones! Have you ever dated somebody and thought they were okay, but then your smells didn't match up? That is nature trying to tell you that something is awry.
What if their hair smells like barf to you? You don't even know it, because you've never met.

As for your deal? Maybe your deal is that you're stressed out by seriously dating people in your area, and you're looking for a little recreation (which this person seems to offer).

Enjoy yourself, be open to the idea of learning more about them and considering together where this should go, but don't put your eggs in a cyber basket or close yourself off to options at home.

(Also, get some references. Ask around, see if you have any mutual friends or acquaintances by which to judge their suitability for companionship)

Dear Nicole,
I have a friend who has chosen to maintain a friendship with an ex of
mine who royally and horribly hurt me.
The friend and Wet Brain (my
ex) were not friends (had never even met) prior to our dating, and
didn't hang out besides briefly with me about two times while we dated
(which thankfully only lasted three months).
My friend has mentioned to me how hot she thinks W.B. is.

While all my friends have had no problem avoiding Wet Brain,
this one friend has kept a connection open and it
feels crappy to me. I don't think she's dumb enough to date WB,
so I guess my gripe is with loyalty, a dubious concept anyway.
What do you think?
Regardz,
Haver of Feelings

Dear Haver of Feelings,

I have my own opinion on this matter, but took it to the Elderly streets of Portland to get some wisdom from people 70 years old and above.
Marc and I rephrased the question for ease of communication. Also (and don't be mad) we changed the gender of Wet Brain so that the seniors could focus on the problem and not sit aghast at the gay factor.

Nicole and Marc: "Hey guys, what if your friend had a horrible break up with someone- they cheated, weren't very honest, something like that. Most of person A's friends don't talk to person B ("Wet Brain") anymore; But one friend still does. What is the etiquette?"

Mavis- So you don't want to be friends with either of 'em?

Marc- No, no!

Mavis- Nothing.

Walter- I suppose it depends on what they did.

Henrietta- Show love and respect, don't turn your back on 'em. You can't control someone else. Just because you found out they did wrong, you can't mistreat em. You don't know both sides of the story!

Mavis- Depends on what they did. if they were cheating and lying about it, then they deserve to be ignored.

Henrietta- Sometimes you think you know a person, and you don't know htem. If they did somethin' real bad, like murder someone, i wouldn't be in their face, but I don't wanna mistreat 'em. You can know someone real long and not know 'em.

Estelle- Be polite, say hello, don't snub him. Depends how big of a jerk he was.

Marc- what if he was real bad? what if he stole money from her?

Estelle- Stole Money? Oooh Boy. Call the Sheriff!

Confidential from NG to Haver of Feelings: Don't let your feelings of betrayal transfer on to someone who has otherwise been a good friend to you in this situation. If you are around her and she says something about them being hot, I think it would be fair to pipe in that it's painful to hear that regarding the person who wrecked your heart. Otherwise, you are lucky to be rid of this person, and you seem to still have a lot of great friends around so focus in on them. If your friend starts dating Wet Brain, THEN you have a reason to cause a ruckus. Otherwise, stay still!

Dear Nicole,

My heart recently broke itself, and I therefore find myself on a quest to mend it as quickly and thoroughly as possible. Would you say that a relatively shallow rebound relationship is a decent way to mend said heart? What if the likely co-participant in such a relationship is a new addition to a group of friends to whom my heart's breaker and I belong?

Sincerely,
(do I really make up a name for myself?)
um...
"pea-brained in portland"

Dear Pea Brained in Portland,

"A cure for a break up is a hook up"

so says Silver from the newest incarnation of 90210.

With that logic in mind, I say go for it.
If the person is a NEW edition to your friend group, all the better.
But, seeing as it is a rebound, be sure to keep it shallow so as not to incur any casualties.

Sincerely,
n.g.

Dearest Ridiculously Awesome Lady,

I've adored PDX forever, and last month I took my BFF to experience its majesty.
She fell in love too and we made plans to move there with two other friends (we range 16-19).

My friends' families had money, and they could move right away while I'm really poor.
They knew I couldn't move soon but said "oh girl, we'll make it happen! we'll get an apartment for a bit, wait for you and then all get a house".
Yet all three of them started conspiring without me knowing while my friend and I were still in town, and signed a YEAR lease on a 3-bedroom apartment without me.
My 'bestie' didn't inform me until a week before her flight there. They're all there now, chilling with drag queens, seeing Gogol Bordello and setting up house while I'm looking for a job.
I felt horribly betrayed, but they sent me an apologetic "sorry, we should've told you! we just didn't want to hurt your feelings because we have more money than you!! you can sleep in the living room, we love you! GET OVER IT." email.
They had to act or they wouldn't have found a place, and I'm still going to live there. But they didn't TELL me, so I still feel hurt about the miscommunication!
It's not like they said they got me Soy Delicious and ate it, it's like they said we could all leave our parents and obtain housing together and.... ate... it. I'm in Missouri filling out applications and selling everything I own, while they're already in my dream city that I introduced them to in the first place!

Am I being petty and jealous and childish, or were they just being dicks?

~midwestern meltdown

P.S. you are pretty much the most ideal superfox in the whole world ever, inside and out. Keep being unbelievably badass.

Dear Midwestern Meltdown,

Keep your chin up, friend!

Maybe you're a gang of street toughs or something, but I am going to assume that for most of you, this is the first (or close to the first) time you've lived outside of your parent's homes and had to actually negotiate being renters. Am i right?
I want to use that as an excuse for your friend's behavior. They encountered a stressful if possibly uncomfortable situation (that being that they all had the resources to move before you, their friend, did) and took the path of least resistance, the path of least communication!

I just reread your letter and wanted to make clear to you that most places ask for a year lease. It is very standard, and if your friends have little to no rental history, it may have been their only choice. Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em! These ladies need a home too! They are three different humans who all took your advice and wanted to live in glorious Portland, Oregon, and had no responsibility to wait for you, as sucky as that might sound.

If you want to keep these people as friends, and you want to be able to know them once you are in Portland , then it's time to process on through.
Express your feelings, take the high road, don't be a dick, and use "I" statements.
That being where you express your feelings and don't lay blame. As in : "When you make a group decision behind my back, it makes me feel betrayed."
So you're stating a behavior, and then your reaction to it.
It's not pointing fingers, but it is letting them know what about the situation gets your goat. If they're good friends, they'll take it to heart and maybe next time they'll pony up and talk to you about an uncomfortable situation.

In the meantime, don't let those assholes get you down.
Get another job, get some money, and come to Portland! There are plenty of places to live and things to do.

It's nice of them to say you can live on their couch.

Good luck!

Special Guest: Tara Jepsen

2008-10-07T15:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers, This week we are surely blessed to have San Francisco Dreamboat Tara Jepsen answer a question for y'all!
Tara Jepsen, Ass of Largesse
Disabler of Smoke Alarms
Loner, Partner, Loaner of Partners (permanently)
Jerk/Sweetheart/Landscaper
Porky Pigger
What more could you ask for?

Dear Nicole,

I recently started super crushing on my ex girlfriend's good friend and confidant. He feels the same about me, but this situation is made complicated by the fact that said ex is nowhere near being over me. Needless to say, she feels betrayed by her friend for perusing "her woman" and both my new love interest and I feel very guilty for hurting her, but don't feel like we can deny our feelings for each other.

How would you handle this situation in a mature and healthy way? Also, should I be suspicious of new love interest's behavior...I don't think he is being a very good friend to her by perusing me either. Or should I simply understand that he is probably a better lover than friend?

Yours Truly,
Torn and Wary

Dear Torn and Weary,

It would help to know how long you gals have been broken up, and I'm going to guess about 3-6 months.

In my experience, the majority of the Inappropriate (because of friend and ex connections) Romances of the World are ill-conceived and acted upon too quickly, and lead to substantial loss. Most seem to happen in your 20's, before your heart has been relentlessly trampled by other developing hearts and alcoholics, and the bone-deep understanding and acceptance of your solitude hasn't set in yet. When I say "solitude" I just mean that it is just you making your way, it's not noble or terrible it just IS. Solitude brings stability and empowerment and ultimately a reliable skill set for being a healthy/loving/reliable partner.

Lessons.

I do find that most people absolutely love the feeling of inevitability (in this case, that you MUST be with her confidante), and passion is stoked by its forbidden quality. What a bunch of Catholics.

My recommendation is that you don't leap into anything. I would take time, gather information, get to know this guy better. It does not scream integrity or kindness that he wants to pursue his good friend's ex. I would not have sex with him or get too close for about three months. Just to really get a feel for him and your connection. If it's real and special and you are going to be together, you will have years and years to spend screwing and living and loving and you will value the process of entering the relationship thoughtfully.

There IS the rare instance of true love. You could be an amazing match for each other and it could be that the circumstances are crappy but worth wading through to build something with this person. I would still spend time getting to know him so you can decide if it's worth hurting your ex and potentially not even ending up with the dude anyway.

I would act out of kindness, not guilt, toward your ex. Think of how you would feel and how you would like to be treated in her place.

Have fun, and also think of your long-term fun and joy goals.

Love,
Tara

Episode 3! Condoms & Finger Bangs

2008-10-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

Featuring Special Guests Lucas Taylor and Beija Georges, produced by Winner. In which i mispronounce someone's pun-laden name as Condominium instead of Condominimum, and talk for a really long time.

Cavemen and Nonmonogamy

2008-09-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Nicole,
I have a tendency of creating complicated situations with women. I also am known for being a bit of a player and a total slutbag. However I think this stereotype is unfair.
Is it because I'm a woman and I just happen to not be socially retarded?

Depending on how sentimental I am feeling, I have been in/out of love with many.
Currently I am dating a girl long distance non-monogamously and I am completely head over heels in smitten with her.
However, recently I met someone here. I've been sleeping with this other girl in Portland. I'm not sure whether I did this to distract myself from my aching heart or if I genuinely want to date this person. It's hard to spend a lot of time with someone and not get attached. Portland girlie knows about my long distance sweetheart and says she will stay out of our way when my sweetie comes to visit in October. I know it might be wrong to do this to Portland girl, so should I quit being an asshole and tell her we should just remain friends to avoid any future heartbreak? And what of my long distance sweetie? Should I take a break from girls altogether?

sincerely,

promiscuity city

Oh non monogamy, how i loathe the web you weave.

Hi Promiscuity City.

Let's talk.
That reputation of yours didn't happen on it's own, and it didn't happen overnight. Tis no stereotype based on the fact that you can talk to a crowd. Lots of people have social finesse and not all of them are called Players or "Slutbags". If i put my psychic glasses on , I'll bet that you got this reputation by "creating complicated situations", i.e. drama, and not being clear with people (i.e. telling many people that you're in love with them!).

The only thing worse than a Player is a Player with no mirror.
"Why would people call me that? I'm just following my heart!"
Your heart isn't the only one beating in the room!
There's got to be some consideration for the people you're dragging in there with you.

The good news is,

Today is the first day of the rest of your life!
We are going to discuss your options as a new, responsible (yet still Socially Adept) individual!

There are two routes you could take here, Promiscuity City, and if you play your cards right, your hands will technically be clean by the end of all this.
Don't make it weird!

1. You can keep seeing Portland Girl.
(high drama route)

2. You can break up with Portland Girl.
(low drama route)

On one hand, she's in charge of herself and as long as you're clear (one thousand percent clear) and not feeding her lines of garbage about the depth of your relationship (ahem) , then you are allowed to say "I told you so" if she gets her feelings hurt by girl afar. You're getting away on a technicality.

Don't lead her into thinking she could usurp Girl Afar as your primary if that is not the case. This means no sighing heavily while staring into her eyes, moaning about how torn you are and how confusing this all is!

HOWEVER, On the other hand....
This is your new , low-drama life, and it requires some introspection.
It would be be not only kinder, but also the route of least drama and despair if you cut the cord now. She's not your soul mate, you probably wouldn't be dating her if the Girl from Afar lived here, so it would be kinder of you to let her go and find someone else who will think the world of her.
If you can psychically see that the result of this relationship will be a heart break blood bath, then it is up to you to take the reigns (no matter what she says about it being okay) and grind this coach to a stop.

Then you come out with your hands clean, and you have some time alone here in Portland to consider how you got your reputation, all the while getting your attention needs met (sort of) by someone from afar.

(note: you might be saying "Nicole this is harsh. people can casually date, you know, without it being a 'blood bath' " and i say to you, true true! However, this person, Promiscuity City, seems like perhaps they are not adept at handling these situations with grace and tact, and thusly i advise them to take the side door and leave the party before it gets out of hand.)

Dear Nicole,
The next time my boyfriend's super-religious dad says women should be subordinate to men, should I throw a bowl of beans in his face? How would you handle this?

Prudently,
Leering in Los Angeles

Choose your battles wisely, Leering in Los Angeles.
This is not the one to fight. You're not going to change his mind, and you have a choice if you have to see him at all. If you can manage eating dinner with Dad from time to time, i would let his comments roll off with a simple:
"That's an interesting perspective. Hmm. " and/or a blank stare.
" Thanks for your opinion. "
Then you can silently seethe and curse me for putting you in this situation.

Though this will make you seethe in the moment, it is ultimately better than yelling at someone who's not listening to you and creating static between yourself and the family of your boyfriend.

If he gets to you too much, and you find your blood pressure is out of control every time you get home from family dinner,
then you have the choice to opt out of such dinners, and offer to only see Dad on important Holidays.
Your boyfriend can cover for you. "Oh, Leering is sick." or, "She couldn't make it".
All the while you're at home listening to relaxing music and cross stitching a Labris or Women's Symbol, sighing aloud and thinking "I'm so glad I'm not dining with a cave man right now!"

Dearest Nicole,

I'm a girl and have started to venture into the world of dating other chicks. At the end of the date, how do I know who pays for the meal? When I go out with guys, they always end up paying (at least on the first date). I went out with a new girl yesterday and it was a little awkward. I offered, but we decided to split. Should I always just offer to pay? Or does it depend on who asked the other person out? Ideas?
THANKS.

Love,
Anxious Dater

Dear Anxious Dater,

Let whoever wears the pants pay!

Just kidding.
Ahem.
Jeez.

Okay. I consulted some bonafied lesbians about this last night.
Aubree advised:
"If they don't offer to pay within the first minute of the check being there, then be prepared to split the bill."
true, true.
If someone is planning on paying for a date , then they are waiting for the check and want to get to it before you. Oh, chivalry!

Always be prepared to split the bill. Bring money. Pull out your wallet when the check comes, even if the other person pulled theirs out first.

Common courtesy says, if they buy dinner one night, you should pay (or attempt to pay) the next time.
Don't take anything for granted.

And if they pay for dinner, you'd better be ready to put out.
Especially if you had something expensive.

.... Kidding! Just Kidding!

Dear Nicole:

I've been with the same young man for a couple years. There is one
problem-- he has never given me a gift of any kind. No birthday gift,
no anniversary gift, no Yom Hashoah gift. No gifts at all, aside from
the occasional surprise carton of soy delicious. He knows I would
LIKE gifts, and doesn't ever make me feel petty for wanting them. He
has some weird extreme specific phobia/anxiety about giving gifts. My
psychologist tells me I am ascribing way too much importance to these
absent gifts, and my friends say gifts are important and that I should
dump him for this.

I would like to know your professional opinion on the subject of gifts
in romantic relationships.

Yours truly,
Giftless.

Dear Giftless,

I like gifts.
I like getting gifts, and more importantly, i like GIVING gifts!
How else to express your deep feelings for your boyfriend than to make him a present? Words are overrated.
ack, what a joyless life i would have with only rations of ice cream as a substitute for a handmade stuffed animal or lovingly crafted cell phone plan?
Personally, I , NJG, would be bummed if i had to devote my life to a giftless marriage.
But we're talking about you, Giftless.

Well, how important are gifts to you?
and,
Does he have other attributes that make up for his gift anxiety?
The Gift of companionship?
The Gift of kindness?
The Gift of handsomeness?

Is he a one of a kind that you would feel completely stupid for breaking up with based on this, or is it indicative of greater problems or inflexibility in the relationship?
Like, if you had kids would he not give them presents?
If he decided he was Hug-o-phobic would you then have to go without hugs?

Maybe to you gifts are a way to show love, and if you are not receiving gifts, then it feels like you are not receiving love. Everyone has these things. For some people it's cooking as a way to show love, for some it is physical affection. Express how much you like his other qualities (The aforementioned gifts of companionship, kindness and handsomeness) but that this is as sensitive an issue to you as it is to him, and it hurts your feelings!
If you're not getting the thing that you need to feel loved, then you need to sit down and hammer out if there's something else that he can do to replace that warm feeling, or if he can compromise?

Maybe he can go to a psychiatrist and have some immersion therapy where he gets sent to the North Pole and has to hear from Santa's elves the joys of giving, all the while hammering together old fashioned wooden toys for every boy and girl in the world.

Everyone sacrifices for love some times.
It's not like you're asking him to send you pieces of his own body for Valentines day, you just want a present.

Love, Nicole

p.s. In the case that you are Jewish, the North Pole seems like a weird place to send him, but i can't think of another place where joyful creatures create gifts all day. I apologize.

Dear Nicole,

What do you do when you get in a rut or get depressed about artwork, etc?

Thanks,

- Too Many Projects at Once

Dear Too Many Projects at Once,

I stop calling my friends back and work twelve hour days until it's all done.
Then i go and party for a couple of days, after which i lock myself in my house again.

Sincerely,
n.g.

p.s. also you could go through your archive of things you've accomplished and try to inspire yourself and remember that you do good work and that it is worthwhile and that you've come really far!

New Video Advice: I killed my friend's plant, should I tell her?

2008-09-25T01:38:00.001-07:00

Thank you again, Winner!

next week: sex advice, with live reenactments!

Mild Vegan Rage, Elderly Advice, and Taking Your Hips To A Man Who Cares

2008-09-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Nicole,
As a strict vegan and animals rights activist, how do you reconcile dating meat-eaters?
Do you find it acceptable to request your partner not eat meat in your presence?
Also, how do you cope with individuals who feel it is appropriate to insult your veganism?

Lastly, do you take vitamins and/or supplements? If not, do you use fortified products?

Sincerely,

You Are What You Eat

Dear You Are What You Eat,

Okay. This is an interesting question.

Once , when i was 19, i dated a meat eater and he borrowed five dollars from me, which he promptly used to buy himself a chicken burrito which he then scarfed right next to me in his pickup truck.
No thanks! This was the inspiration for a rule I created called "I will not pay for meat".
This rule has only ever been contested or created weirdness when buying food for children who are used to eating meat and i'm not trying to harsh their mellow, but I have to tell them I can't pay for it.

But that wasn't your question!

1. For casual circumstances: as long as they don't eat it around you it's probably okay.

2. For forever purposes (like someone you want to be in an ltr with):
As for you-
they probably need to be at least a vegetarian so that you know you have core values in common.
Because veganism is a really big value. It's a thing.
It's not like, "I have an eyebrow piercing and you don't."
it's like
"I believe that torturing animals in order to have pizza is wrong, and you either think that's okay, or can willingly blind yourself to pain and wrong-doing for the sake of convenience. "

Note: If you find that you cannot hang out intensely with a meat eater without judging them, then of course that negates advice #1 (re: casual).

I have never, ever dated somebody who was vegan when we met.
Ever.
In general, people I've dated who haven't been vegetarian have faked it really well around me.
I find this to be common courtesy across the board.

I want to note, that In this day and age of apathetic queers who eat meat as a way to rebel against their own former selves and feel wild & carefree
("Look at me! I'm enjoying the same lunchtime pleasures as George Bush, and all sorts of other conservative square misogynists! Wahoo! Let's rally around the corpse, then rip it apart and share it amongst ourselves! Yum! Who needs Ethics when you have Barbeque Sauce!?!? ")
(ahem),
It might be necessary to mention
"Hey, if you eat a cheeseburger around me every day it might make me uncomfortable."
And that would be fine.

It's not going to bring me to tears to see somebody eat a chicken strip, I have friends who do this and it's no big deal. BUT if i have a choice in the matter, and it's someone I might have to eat with every day several times a day, then yeah, asking is appropriate.

This is a good time for you to be the ambassador to veganism.
Make them delicious dinners, bring them cupcakes and cookies and things that are above and beyond their expectations about what vegans might eat.
Don't belly -ache about how HARD it is to be vegan, or whine about ingredients. That is not helpful to the cause, friend.
The easier you make it look, the better the chance other people will be willing to try it.
Or at least, the better the chance they'll stop acting like a-holes and stereotyping vegans as joyless, calcium deprived waifs.

As for people who insult your veganism? Fuck them.
A blank stare works. Or you could say,
"Why did you just say that to me?".
Or, just walk away.
"Hey, i'm sorry it makes you so uncomfortable, but you really don't need to judge me about this. I'm not pushing it on you, so i don't see why you're giving me a hard time."
or
"Why are you being a jerk? This is something I believe in."
"It doesn't make me want to hang out with you when you make fun of me. "
"If you want to sit down and talk about veganism some day, sure, let's do that. But you don't have to be a jerk about it. "

When i was in high school I wigged out on my boyfriend's uncle at Thanksgiving. He started in with vegan cracks and i let it roll off my back in a polite way, but he just couldn't stop himself. He kept on, and kept on, and finally, after asking me what i ate, what could i eat, dirt? i replied

"Yeah. I eat DIRT. I eat DIRT and ROCKS. That's what i eat. Seriously? What is the matter with you!?!?"

I don't know if this was the best strategy, but you're welcome to it.

Anyway, good luck.

And if you end up going on a date with someone who eats sardines, make them brush their teeth before they try and kiss you. Yech!

Oh, re: Vitamins. I don't take vitamins or supplements. I never have. I do buy enriched this and that (Rice Milk , Orange Juice, etc) and I do try to eat dark leafy greens every day and have lots of protein. I feel fine. I probably could eat supplements. I just don't.

Dear NG,
I am an incessant "dater". I have one-night stands too often for me to feel comfortable writing this. I very rarely get a second date. If I do I rush it, with info, sex, intensity, and then it just fizzles in the end. Do you have any advice on how to pace oneself while dating, to insure a long-lasting courtship that could possibly lead to something lovely? Or does this just not happen?

Shalom,
Rushin' Jew

Hi there Rushin' Jew.
1. I can't tell if you are dating men or women. I would like to tailor my answer. I am assuming that you are talking about men, only because it seems like a lesbian would get your name tattooed on her neck if you slept with her on the first date, whereas a man might run the other way. Why do they do that? I do not know.

2. I heard once: Everything you need to know about someone they'll tell you themselves within the first 20 minutes.
I think we can amend this to say They'll Tell You On the First Date.

So think : if you turn this around, what do you want them to know about you?

You don't want them to think you're a mess. If you're coming across this way, then maybe it's time to take a chill pill and see what's going on inside yourself before you invite a guest in there.

2.5.
Don't give them too much information on the first date. Act coy, be somewhat secretive without it seeming sketchy.

This date is for you to suss out whether or not you are attracted to them, whether you can trust them AT ALL, and whether they're even worth your time!

You can find these things out without telling them that you've been institutionalized, or are still harboring feelings for you cousin whom you dated once.
TMI kills boners.

Ask lots of questions. This gives you information and makes the other person feel like you're interested in them.

Save the TMI for further dates down the road. Once you've snagged them, or have any reason at all to trust them with this information.

If you're just on a first date, you don't even know if they have the same relationship in mind as you (like , what if they're moving away in a month, and you're looking to get married) in which case, telling them about your case of IBS is not relevant.

Moral of #2: save trust for people who have earned it.

3. What did Einstein say? Insanity if someone who does the same thing over and over again, and is confused that the result is the same?

If you keep sleeping with dudes on a first date and they keep losing your number, then
DON'T SLEEP WITH DUDES ON THE FIRST DATE.
A kiss goodnight is fine.
They'll either like you or they won't.
Your prudishness in the first couple of weeks is not going to detract someone who's head over heels for you. I Promise.

4. Treat yourself like a prize.
There's only one of you. You only get one life , (I think), so please consider yourself to be a shiny golden prize that only someone really excellent gets to have.

Really really really think: am i proud of myself for doing this? would my ideal self be doing this?

Tell yourself this if you have to before you leave the house, and other people will see it reflected.

5. Courtships and romance do happen. You just have to be smart about how you play your cards.

Dear Nicole,
I'm a big fan of your artwork, blog, and of course, Invincible Summer.

I live in Madison, and am a barista at a vegan baked goods and coffee
shop. As of right now, my life feels very bland. I cannot wait to
leave, but until next Spring I am stuck here, and will continue to
serve the caffeine needs of the neighborhood. When I leave, I hope to
end up somewhere where I can successfully add purpose to my life. My
problem is, I don't know what to do, or where to go! I'd really
like to get more involved in helping animals.
I want to do more than
just hand out pamphlets about factory farming and going vegan. I want
to help animals in a more realistic way. Ideally I would like to work
hands on with animals or at least see some of my effort paying off.

When I read your zine issues about when you're down at Farm Sanctuary,
I get envious because that's what I want to be doing, but I feel like
I could never do the hard labor that you do when you are down in
Orland. The reason for this is that I have endured five back
surgeries, therefore I try to stay away from too much physically
strenuous work. So my question is, what are some other ways I can
help animals? And additionally, where could I move so that these
dreams can be possible for me?

Signed,
Young and confused 21 year old.

Dear Young and Confused,

Whoa. That's a big question.
Before moving anywhere, why don't you sign yourself up for an internship and see where that takes you?

PETA and Farm Sanctuary always have internships, and if you can't find something suitable for your physical and mental needs with either of those organizations, I'm sure that someone at PETA would be happy to suggest other animal rights organizations in need of intern help.

In general, working with farm animals requires physical labor. Because they're big!
If i were you I would try to get a job giving tours or working in the education department of a farm sanctuary type organization (like Animal Acres).
You do a lot of walking and talking without having to shovel great loads of dirty straw, or having to lift giant haybales.

As for me, I found Portland on a fluke, and luckily i am in love with it.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but I think that when you find the right place for yourself, you'll feel it!
In your healthy, calcium-rich vegan bones!

p.s. Madison? Isn't that Dairyland? Is there something you could do around there, like take people on the fence about veganism on tours of a farmer's college or dairy farm? I'll bet you could. Totally legal, totally educational and life changing.
Consider!

Dearest Nicole,

I love music more than the average duck, but lately I've had a drought. I can't figure out what to listen to in my library of 12,000 or so. It all sounds the same to me. How do I get into new music? I go to all the shows, I trade mix tapes with all my friends, but my realm must be pushed further!

Sincerely,
The Littlest Prince.

Dear Littlest Prince,

Listen to my band, the Sour Grapes.
http://myspace.com/thesourgrapesareawesome

Sincerely,
n.g.

p.s. if you have 12,000 then it sounds like you're in a slump, not a drought.
Have you tried rekindling your relationship with the classics? The other day I heard a Minor Threat song and it blew my mind. I hadn't listened to them in probably 5 years and it was like I'd just discovered an exciting new band!

p.p.s. I have fairly un-remarkable music taste, and since you have 12,000 albums, you probably already have all of these things, but here are my September 2008 recommendations:

Jefferson Airplane
Judas Priest
Tilly and the Wall
The Lovers
Swan Island
The Grease Soundtrack
The Jackson 5
Hope and Despair : The Langley Schools Music Project
The Transfused Soundtrack by Nomy Lamm & The Need
The Slits
PJ Harvey (that really old one that has the "Gonna take my hips to a man who cares" song)
Emergency
The New Bloods
Beyonce: B Day
Trina: Diamond Princess
Queen
The Smiths
Propagandhi: Less Talk, More Rock
Michael Jackson: Thriller
Carole King
The Annie Soundtrack
Jay-Z
Regina Spektor

p.p.s.s.

Oh yeah, here's my advice: Go get a bunch of records out of the dollar bin at the record store! That's where I got all my favorite things!

Dear America's Smartest Girl,

I have the misfortune of having a friend I do not want. I picked up
this friend a couple of years back. At first I liked this person, so
I invited her to my house. I soon realized this was a grave error.
Since I cannot step back in time, I turn to you Smartest Girl, for help.

This friend I have acquired does not seem to pick up on subtle clues.
For example, I usually only reply to every 3rd email because I feel
that ignoring all of them might be too harsh. When responding to
emails, I tend to keep them short, avoid invitations to get together
and talk about how very very busy I am. Yet the invitations keep coming.

I do not enjoy eating out with this individual. She complains
throughout the meal and has unrealistic expectations of low class
establishments.

This individual makes choices that I do not approve of. She lives a
lifestyle that is different from mine and I don't care for it.

If my relationship with this person could remain strictly via email,
all would be well, but this friend does not seem to be satisfied with
such a relationship.

Also, I am not interested in a direct confrontation with this person.
I would like to convey the message without having to say, "you're
annoying, please leave me alone forever" .

Please help America's Smartest Girl. I would genuinely love the input
of your wise senior citizen friends as well. They seem to know what's
going on.

Disgruntled in Peoria

Dear Disgruntled,

I took your question to Portland's elderly streets, and here's what I found:

Mavis: I don't know, I don't have any friends.
Say, "I'm not in the market for a new friend right now." Tell them not to bother you anymore.

Estelle: Come right out and tell her she's a.... how do you politely say that?
... Tell somebody you're just not interested in their company?

She SHOULD get the hint, but some people, It just doesn't click.
Say, "I'm just so busy and when I want to see you I'll give you a call."

Mavis: Or never call at all.
Well, tell her you don't need a close relationship right now with someone else.
"Sorry, I can't do this and that's it."

Nicole Georges:
I like Estelle's advice the best, Disgruntled.
Express that you're busy right now, and maybe even reveal that you're not sure if you have time for new friends,
as you barely have time for your old tried and true friends.
I mean, this is *kind of* true.
...It's polite, at least.
You can or can not offer to call her if something changes, depending on how wimpy you're feeling when you tell her this.

Good luck!

"There are so much to talk about"

2008-09-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

I couldn't wait until Tuesday to show you this video! By Winner.
Thank you to the waffle cart, tri met, and Wishbone.

...Like a Doorknob

2008-09-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

Good Morning, Starshine.
The earth says hello!
Blibby blop blooby, nibby nobby nooby, la la la la la.

Hi everyone.
I've made a friend. Her name is Winner.
Winner has created a video entry, or "webisode" of the advice column, which will premiere next week.
Not only that, but we also aspire to put up podcasts with on-the-spot answers to your deepest questions (i.e. "should i tell my friend to brush her teeth?").
Please keep your questions coming and stay tuned!

Dear Nicole,

Should i continue to date this girl that everyone says is a slut and she proclaims her prudeness? I can't tell who is lying.

Queer in a Quandary

Dear Q in a Q,

First of all:
If people are calling her a slut, that sounds like some misogynist behavior there, as i have never ever ever heard of a butch lesbian being called a slut, therefore proving the old slut/stud double standard can cross right into queer territory and be fed by gossipy dykes.
Blah!

Secondly:
Is she a slut, or is she a player? There is nothing inherently wrong with being a slut.
I don't' know where you live, but in Portland it's not so hard to find someone your friends have made it with.
It's a small territory, we're only human. Etc.

This leads me to a Portland Truism, once said by Josie:

"In Portland you don't lose your girlfriend, you just lose your turn. "

Heyo!

(if you blend that with a popular Yo Mama Joke, you get: "A Portland Lesbian is like a doorknob- everybody gets a turn!")

If she's a player, then that's a problem. Often, players try to hide their game by acting demure or like
"oh, yeah i have no game I'm totally a prude",
which lures people in more effectively than if they said
"yeah, basically i have tight game and I'll have you naked by the end of this song." !

So. If i were you I'd be even MORE cautious of someone proclaiming their prude-dom, because as you have seen even in last week's column, that is a sure fire tactic for getting laid and making yourself seem more wholesome than you are.

The nerdiest, most fucked up looking people I know would make Jay-Z's jaw drop with their sluttiness and playerdom (because people find them to be non-threatening and they use that fucking "I Have No Game" line). Consider.

Good luck. Avoid the clap. Etc.

Love, Nicole

Dear Nicole,
I understand that opposites can attract, but can a serious stoner and
a devoted boozer ever really make it work?

Thanks,

Only24butplanningahead.

Dear Only 24,

You could definitely make it work because neither of you are in touch with reality, and so you'll stay emotional adolescents for a really really long time, and that could be fun. Is that what you want to do?
I mean, i guess it's better than inflicting your addiction on an otherwise clean person, right?

not trying to be harsh it just sounds like i am,
n.g.

Dear Nicole,
How do i tell my friend her girlfriend is annoying and i don't want to be friends with her if they date?
-Irritated in Iowa

Dear person,

These days, I truly appreciate having my friends and my dates mostly separate. This relieves you from the friend split once you divorce, and also gives you space to talk about the person you're dating with the people who know you best.
Not that you were asking, but i wanted to throw that out there.
Also, I get sort of bugged out when i have friends who subject me to their dates all the time. It's sort of like roommates. I live alone , and when i go to a friend's (communal) house to hang out, I'm not there for a party, and so I don't want to have to perform for their many roommates. I'll do it, but it's not my preference. I feel the same way about having to hang out with friend's new dates. It's sort of awkward, this person is sometimes temporary, and of course your friend is acting different b/c they're on their best behavior or are nervous OR (if you're super super lucky) , they're having relationship problems and can bring that tension along with them. Cool.

Here's what you say to your friend:
" I appreciate your friendship, but it's hard for me when you try to make me hang out with your dates. I'm not interested in the people you're dating, I'm interested in you. I like hanging out with you one on one, it makes me feel more relaxed and like we can be more honest."

Try to schedule alone time with them. If they invite their date along, peace out early.
You don't have to burn down the friend shack for this, just make better boundaries, and probably they'll break up soon and your pal will be glad to have you separate so that they can talk trash on their ex with abandon.

When you absolutely have to hang out with your friend and the hate-date, bring another person to relieve your third wheel status. You can still have fun while the couple acts out their patterns of annoyingness.

Dear Nicole,
Is it a bad idea to travel to another land with your ex who you're still sort of hot for? Do you suspect such residual hotness is mutual if such plans are being made, or am i just sleazy? She does have a girlfriend.
Love,
My Hitch Hiking Heart

Dear Hitch Hiker,

There is something sleazy about traveling with someone you have a crush on who has a girlfriend, BUT , whatever. It's not that sleazy. It's not like you're going to make a move. Just go with her, remind her what a good time you can be and how hot your pajamas are, and then maybe someday when she breaks up with her girlfriend you can console her and she'll look up through her tears and see your angelic form and say "what was i thinking?" and then you guys can start having sex, or maybe casually dating, and you may or may not remember why you broke up, but whatever.

Good Luck and keep your hands to yourself,
(but in general spooning is probably okay if you give the excuse that you're exes),

n.g.

Dear Nicole,

After a series of unfortunate events, ie: a personal economic recession, I have landed back at my uberconservative parent's house in bourgeois wonderland after living la vida homo on my own or with friends for years.

While I am enjoying the comforts of guaranteed meals, air conditioning, and the respite from the end of the month requisite panic attacks, I am having a little trouble adjusting to being back under the dad regime. It was easy to deal with the obsessive-compulsive "no crumb left behind" policy and the passive aggression masquerading as "lifestyle tips" during occasional weekend visits, but its becoming a little trying on a daily basis.

And I'm not gonna lie, I'm more than a little nostalgic for the days of being able to masturbate on the couch in the comfort of my own home.

Help me Nicole, I have a few more months to go until I'm back on my feet and ready to venture back into independence. What's a down-on-her-luck radical lesbian feminist to do?

----Overwhelmed in the O.C.

Dear Cast Member of the O.C.

1. It's only a few months. Be Polite. I know you can do it.

2. You owe your parents for letting you come back. You don't need to throw yourself at their feet, but they have given up their privacy and resources to hang out with their adult child for a while, so please show them some respect!

I don't know what works for you, but you have to bring yourself back to the reality that is your life so that you don't' regress into childish antics of rebellion when they push your buttons (which would be my first instinct in this situation).

Example:

Dad: So anyway, i was just reading in the bible that premarital sex was a one way ticket to hell. And since you can't get married (because you are a lesbian) then i guess that means you're out!

You: Thanks dad. I appreciate the thought, but i think I'll be okay.

Alternate Response: Just a blank smile and a "thanks" will be fine.

This is what adults do. They put it in perspective, act chill, and don't let their minds spin out into
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you're telling me i'm going to hell? thanks a lot dad, i knew you secretly weren't cool with this lesbian thing and i can't believe you're so passive aggressive about it. you're not perfect, i mean you're basically obsessive compulsive and like, super controlling, and ...."
Which, i imagine, would be the knee-jerk response to your Dad's attempts at getting your goat or giving lifestyle advice.
Fight it!

3. Drive elsewhere during peak parent hours. Go for a walk, go to the library. Make plans, and work harder to get the fuck out.

4. Tell them how much you appreciate them by doing little things to make them happy; like cleaning the house unexpectedly or buying your Mom flowers.

5. Watch their digital cable after hours and masturbate to your heart's content while eating expensive snacks that you would never be able to afford on your own.

Dear Nicole J. Georges,

I have a lot of love to give. I've always been a good friend to
animals, and had a lot of pets growing up, but there haven't been
really very many dogs in my life. I've always thought they were a lot
of work. But recently I've been feeling a little bit of a void in my
life. I'm sort of a lonely misanthrope and lately have been wondering
if I should get a dog to keep me company. I already have a very smart
and adorable and sweet cat, but I think I'm emotionally needy and
maybe I need to level-up and get a dog. How do I know if this is the
right move? And my cat, who I love more than anything, how do I know
this would be the right thing for her too? She can be kind of a stress
case, and when she's unhappy, I'm miserable. I want to provide the
best possible life for her, and I would feel really guilty if I got a
dog and it made her quality of life go down. She's not really an
easy-going cat, and when she sees a dog across the street, she hides
under the porch. So any advice on how to pick out a dog, or whether or
not I should get one at all, would be helpful! Also, what do you feed
your dogs? Do you feed them vegan food? I looked into that for my
cat, and found that vegan cat food can give them bladder infections, so
I decided against it, but was wondering how dogs are with vegan food...

Thanks,

Perplexed Pet Person

Dear Perplexed,

1. You should bring a mild dog over for a week to test the waters and ask your cat in a real an honest way if this is an alright situation.

2. If your cat consents, then it's time to go to the shelter.

Bring a friend with a heart of stone and a mind of reason, so that you don't leave with an animal that day, and you don't leave with a dog you feel sorry for.

DO NOT be wooed by a pretty face or a pity party. At the time this will serve any codependent leanings you may have, but in the long run it is the least fair to you and the dog. Because you'll get the most fucked up dog there and then you'll get home and have a hard time and have to bring it back, and instead of staying in the shelter and getting a forever home with an experienced dog owner, your pity dog will be flailing at your home as you pull out your hair and say "Ten more years of this!?!?".

Ask the people at the shelter to tell you all about the dogs and their history with cats. i would recommend one who has lived with cats before.

I always advocate for getting a middle aged to senior dog in this situation. They're good starter dogs for you, especially if you work or have a cat, because they're not going to have anxiety attacks if you can't walk them 2 hours a day, and they'll be a lot more relaxed and less mentally active.

Stay away from terriers and hunting breeds that will have a fierce instinct to chase small creatures (like your cat).
Such as: Jack Russell terriers. no no no!

3. Before you get a dog, i recommend reading Cesar's way to Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer. I know he's controversial, but in my experience, his methods work and I truly appreciate his outlook on dog psychology and human behavior.

4. Dogs are alright as vegans, much more so than cats.

There is a book i would like to recommend to anyone on the fence about this issue called
Obligate Carnivores, by Jed Gillen.

It provides an excellent argument for vegan pets.
Here are some highlighted points:

Dogs are not strict carnivores in the wild.

Basically, there are vegan cat and dog foods which synthesize the nutrients they would otherwise get from meat.

The meat used in most cat and dog foods is so low-quality, that you're not necessarily doing them a favor by feeding that anyway.

When you feed your pet food made from other animals, you're putting a value on one life over another.
You're basically trading a cow for a dog, a chicken for a cat.

Cats and dogs don't necessarily live natural lives right now, so why get uptight about it in this one area?

As for my canine companions, they are pescetarians right now.
They've been on vegan food before, and I've always supplemented it with eggs from my backyard chicken coop.
They were happy and healthy that way, and I wouldn't rule out going there again.
But for right now, they are pescetarians.
And...
I hope that angry vegans around the globe do not torch my house now.
Please trust that I have my reasons!

(you can borrow my copy of the book or get it at http://www.foodfightgrocery.com)

In conclusion: Get Cesar's book so that you'll have a good idea about what dog ownership entails, and then, if you cats says it's okay, go and get a dog! If your cat says no way, you should get Cesar's OTHER books, and the Dog Whisperer DVDs, and Obligate Carnivores, and just study dogs for the next however-many-years until your cat has Gone To The Other Side.

Good Luck!

In which I advocate Roofies, the E-Room, & mixing cocktails with pills

2008-09-08T22:33:00.000-07:00

God, of COURSE you shouldn't look forward to getting roofied, and of COURSE you shouldn't mix Vicodin with a cocktail. I was just kidding. Read on, read on.

Dear Nicole,
should I put the moves on my personal trainer?
Signed,
Horny in Hillsdale

Dear Horny,

Originally I was prepared to say "Stop! You'll never be able to work out again!" , but then i thought "Sure." It seems like personal trainers are probably good at having sex.
So... why not.

-n.g.

Dear Nicole:

How would you suggest that a single lez, say about 30 years old with an admirable rack and large, tacky earring collection, go about establishing a newer, sluttier, care free dating life? How would this 30something let the tomboys about town know that she's interested in: a) lots of easy sex b) some fun, windblown, low maintenance hangouts without douchey game playing c) whatever may develop, as long as it's not super emo -- short of putting a sex ad on craigslist (which is a respectable choice, but seems like it may be a little unhygenic)? Wait. Is this even possible? Does this Dykey Dreamland exist?

This lez in question is not interested in being false or unauthentic with anyone (she's NOT emotionally unavailable, paralyzed nor bankrupt), AND would like to put out some honest to goodness "fuck me early and often" vibes.

What do you think, Oh Wisened One?

Sincerely,

Sexy McWouldLikeToGetLaiderton

Dear Sexy McWouldLikeToGetLaiderton,

Why does every question i receive have to do with making friends or getting laid? I have answered the same question about six times and i am running out of material here.
Leave the house. Get a good haircut. Tell people you're available. Ta da.
Now quit asking until you've followed that advice and seen where it led you.

But you, Mrs. McWouldLiketoGetLaiderton, are a very special person, and so i offer my advice on Making Friends/Getting Laid for the last time.

First of all:
It's time to get out the old Town Whore bell. "Clang Clang!" , you say "Open for business!".

Secondly,
I have a couple of different pieces of contradictory laid-getting advice. It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure.

1. Declare your celibacy.
Everyone likes a challenge. Don't be a cad about it, but tell people that you are choosing to remain celibate for a while, perhaps to "re evaluate your priorities".
Something that makes you sound wholesome , maybe wise, but not frigid.
If somebody's been on the fence about boning you, hearing that you are trying to get out of the race will immediately spark their interest and will make them want to coerce you into rejoining our party.
You have to be tricky with this one. Play it just virginal enough so that they don't know you've been lying, but not so virginal that they actually give up trying to roofie you.
Good luck!

2. Make it Rain.
When it rains, it pours. Correct?
I have found that i will have dry spells in which i look up at the sky and say "Why must i die alone?", followed by moments where there are too many people knocking down my door at the same time. Never is there a steady trickle, it is either one or the other.
So. what you need to do is turn the hose on, set it up over a tree limb, and make your own rain.
You can do this by lowering your standards (Momentarily!) and doing it with someone just because you know you can and just because you want to have sex.
Of course, of course, be mindful of their feelings, etc. But isn't there somebody lurking in the shadows, maybe someone vaguely seedy, who has been sweating you this whole time? Or, do you live within walking distance of the E-Room?
If so, go there right now. Get wasted. Pick up somebody who looks a lot better in dim light than they do in the day, and take them home.
Just have sex.
This will once again ignite the mysterious vibes or pheromones that exist within you that say "Come To Me."
People will sense this and they will , in turn, come to you.
and/or
This will momentarily quell your crazy desperate "fuck me or i will die" vibe and will give you a brief air of indifference, which will , in turn, come off as "come to me (because i'm not coming to you) ".

I swear one of these methods has got to work.
And if they don't...
try craigslist! somebody's got to try it! Wear sunglasses or keep the room dark or have some vicodin with a cocktail and make out with a stranger from the internet.
Then tell me how it went.

Sincerely
n.g.

Dear Nicole,
what the hell is wrong with Portland's queer scene these days?
- Curious on Couch Street

Dear Curious,
Good question... sort of.
In a nutshell, here is what is wrong with Portland's queer scene:

1. It is racially homogenous,
2. there isn't enough chivalry,
and
3. sometimes the femmes get scarcity issues (and then things get ugly)

Have fun there.

Sincerely,
n.g.

p.s. After a moment of thought:

Well... i don't know if anything is wrong with Portland's queer scene THESE days that wasn't wrong with it in THOSE days.

Having come from the vast desert that is Kansas, and having lived near the wasteland they call Chico, California,
I have greatly enjoyed marinating in the scene that is Portland Queerdom.
Even the most annoying people here, I look at them and think how glad i am that they exist. Even though they might bug the shit out of me.
I'm glad there is space for them here, and sometimes, even space enough for them to be "cool".
Whereas in a Kansas suburb someone would just be an homely girl, in Portland they are magically transformed into a handsome gentleman or busted-hot lady.
We have such an abundance here, we can choose between queer nights and gay dance parties and see homos every night of the week!
We hold hands wherever we want, and sometimes after a big party you'll find latex gloves in the bushes. I kid you not.
I say, embrace it, appreciate, and then work on the things i listed above in my first answer.

Dear Nicole,

I have been "talking to" this girl that i met through a friend of a
friend. Initially we started talking via myspace, which progressed
into daily texting and phone calls late into the night. I crafted her
a heartfelt mix cd which i...mailed to her. See Nicole, the thing is,
that there is a bit of a barrier between us. A physical one. I am
stuck outside of the Los Angeles area, and she resides in the bay
area. I never really met anyone from online before, but she makes me
laugh and is cooler than anyone I ever met down here. Call me a
pessimist, but we don't really have a future together because of the
distance. Should we even bother investing time in making visits to
each other? If so, what's the appropriate visiting timeline?

Sincerely,
Reluctant In Riverside

Dear Reluctant,
Ahhh, long-distance online dating.
As i've said before: Imagine the most annoying person you know. Now remember that even that person could make themself look palatable on the internet.
Really, truly.
BUT, of course you are In Like with this person and you are not comparing them to the most annoying person you know, SO... go visit them!
It's not all for nothing.
When you visit them, gather information. Do you like their friends? Are they people you would choose to hang out with if you lived in that city?
Do you like the things they do with their time? Do they whine a lot?
Do they treat you nice? Are they locked into their life and their city? and.... Are you locked into your life and your city?
Have a nice visit, but seriously take off your blinders for a minute and soak it up realistically , because it is going to cost a lot of money and take a lot of effort for this to keep going, and if this girl is only so/so in person, then you're just as well off scouting somebody in your own neck of the woods.

I cannot stress enough that this person had better blow every girl in your own town out of the water, because if all goes well,
One of you will have to move . Who's it going to be?
THAT is a serious maneuver. More serious, perhaps , than moving in together.
And i never, ever advise moving in together, unless you are ready for (as Dr. Laura said today):
"A ring, flowers, and rice thrown in your face."
The end.

Dear Nicole,

Ok, so I've had a year-long epic romance with a friend of mine. We've confessed we liked each other and have been intimate more than four times....each time we have been pretty tipsy. Every time after she gets "scared" and blows me off by not calling or texting me for days after. Every time after, I tell myself that I won't allow myself to fall for it again. Her reasoning, or excuse rather is that she can't have a relationship because she's not out to her parents. I understand that coming out is a long, hard process but I don't think it warrants the disrespect I've been given. Ugh, Am I setting myself for heartache, and should I give up? The thing is, we've been friends for so long. Can I at least salvage a friendship or is it time to throw in the towel?

Thanks,
Disrespected in Detroit

Dear Detroit,

How does this qualify as an "epic romance" if you've only gone as far as confessing "Like"?
Not even, "care" "adore" or "love"?
Forget it.
Yes you are setting yourself up for heartache.
You can still be friends, but only if you:
Have some self respect,
make some boundaries, and
tell this little tramp to keep her hands off of you when she's drunk and horny!
You deserve a lot better than this.
She should be thanking her lucky stars that she got to bed you down whilst drunk, and should exude at LEAST good manners after such an affair.
Just think: your soul mate wouldn't treat you this way.
It's a fact.
Good luck!

n.g.

p.s. Don't get bent out of shape that i just called your best friend a Tramp.
I'm just trying to be on your side. Whatever, she can call me a tramp, it's fine. But at least i'm not a jerk!

Special Guest: Michelle Tea!

2008-09-08T22:19:00.000-07:00

Deer Friends,
How lucky are we to have another guest columnist?!? Today I have imported a few select answers from San Francisco's best advice-giver and queer author, Michelle Tea.

hey Michelle,

i've been with my partner for over ten years. we have a good time and
love each other and rarely fight but we're not without our share of
problems. namely we're complete opposites. this is true of almost
everything.. i'm a homebody type, and he's more outgoing; when i want to
stay out, he wants to go home and sleep; when he wants to stay up, i'm
tired. this goes on and on.

we question if this is a healthy relationship and if we can really offer
each other what we need. we've always said we'd be friends even if this
doesn't work out, and strangely i wonder what it'd be like for him to be
with someone who's more in tune with him.

to complicate things i have a serious crush on someone else and often
find myself thinking about said crush. but i don't want to get carried
away thinking life would be perfect with my crush. after all, i do have
a very real relationship of ten years with someone whom i consider my
best friend but unfortunately maybe i know too well.

i think what this comes back to is the idea that my partner and i each
need to change some things about our relationship and about ourselves
(whether it's by leaving the situation we're in by breaking up, or how
we're communicating about our needs and differences). the question is,
should we attempt to continue this together, or move on? is it really
possible to grow with someone who knows you so well (or thinks they know
you so well)?

lost in emotion,
happy but sad

Dear Happy But Sad,

Hmmmm. The Buddhist idea that the suffering of life comes from
resisting change is illustrated by my favorite faggoty Buddhist teacher
with an anecdote of a person who has worked their ass off all day,
outside, in the heat, like, clearing trees or cleaning a rich person's
swimming pool, and then takes a cold shower, and the cold shower feels
soooooo good, like it is the million dollar solid-gold cold shower of
life. Best shower ever. The person thinks, "Oh man, this shower is
making me feel so freaking awesome I'm going to stay in it forever!"
But of course the cold shower soon begins to feel uncomfortable, then
miserable, and the person is all pruny and blue-lipped and shivering,
wondering why they ever thought the stupid shower felt good at all. So,
maybe your relationship is a shower that felt really good when you
needed it to back in the day, but now you want a different sort of
shower, one that is a homebody and looks like that person you have a
crush on. Break up!

But you should be warned: you will be totally fucked up from the ten
years you spent with your current love. People grow around each other
in ways that are heartbreakingly imperceptible, and when you wrench
yourself apart from each other it feels alienating and bizarre and
super painful. Even if you believe you're doing the right thing. Long
term relationships warp you. All my friends who escaped their=2
0LTRs
report a frequent sensation of being haunted by the original
partnership. This sensation of being haunted can take the form of
bursting into tears, years later, on public transit, though more
generally it manifests as a hard to shake ennui, a sense of having
selected the wrong path at some long-ago fork in the road, a path
you're now stuck on.

Here is advice for everyone coasting along blissfully in two or
three-year relationships: Get out now! You think it's going to last
forever, but it's not, and by the time you realize this a decade will
have passed and you will have done irreparable damage to your heart and
mind!

Okay back to you, Happy But Sad: Get ready to date a lot of hot morons
who just don't GET you the way your ten year person got you. If you are
lucky you will get so strung out on the powerful sensory experience of
sex with a totally new person that you won't realize how moronic they
are for quite some time. When you do figure it out you can scoot away
fast with nary a consequence, explaining to everyone, 'It was a
rebound.' Everyone will nod sympathetically. Then you'll do it a few
more times and the rebound excuse will become unavailable to you. Now
you are simply single and doing what single people do — hooking up with
losers, trying to find that special person you can hunker down with for
ten years and experience something meaningful. Except, y
ou already did
that! And found it dull! So, I guess all that will be left for you in
light of this is cheap sex without the illusion of love and long-term
romance. Go slut it up!

Also, get ready to watch your ex date people that totally baffle and
gross you out. You will be like, 'Oh my god I can't even believe you
are going out with that person who everyone in the world knows is
totally nuts and now everyone thinks that you are nuts too and I must
have been nuts to have ever gone out with you if this is the caliber of
people you enjoy dating oh my god does this mean I am the same caliber
of person as this nutso new date of yours oh no!!!!!!' and you will
have a existential crisis. A friend of mine who is a completely hot fox
and also the most brilliant genius writer who has ever written a book
once said to me, as I suffered through one of these existential crisis,
'I've never been left for anyone who was anywhere near as great as I
am.' I don't know why people who get out of LTRs rush to mate with the
individual who is like the anti-matter version of the person they just
were with, but they do, and you will, and so will your ex, and everyone
will be mystified and grossed-out by it.

Listen, if the world of single people proves to be as unappetizing and
strange as I suspect it is, you can always get back together. And if
you do, you'll appreciate each other SO much more, you will clutch each
other gratefully, marveling at all the bullets of untold misery you
dodged by coming to your senses and reconciling. And hopefully you will
have each had some crazy sex with someone/s younger and drunker than
the other, and, thusly reminded of the power of an awakened libido,
will get right to work not taking each other's junk for granted ever
again. And then you live happily ever after, til the next time one or
both of you starts moping wistfully down the 'Is that all there is?'
path, and start the process anew.

Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
how do I tell my friend that drinks a lot that she repeats herself too much and that her breath smells like old bologna? She is a close talker and I have tried passive gumming.
-Big League Chew

Dear Big League,

According to Alcoholics Anonymous, the best time for an intervention is
when the boozer is hungover, feeling like a roll of rotting head cheese
tossed in a New York City gutter in August. If your little drunk friend
was out boring everyone to tears Saturday night, show up at her house
bright and early Sunday morning. Bring something nice to soothe a
dehydrated hangover — pineapple juice is good. Under the guise of
reminiscing about how CRAZY last night was, deliver a monologue that
goes something like this: 'And, dude, you totally told that same story
about how you fell down the stairs at your job like seven hundred times
last night! Again and again! Like, to all the same people! Do you
remember that? And you were standing so close to everyone, like all up
in their face, no one could get away from you! It was so crazy! You
smelled like Bologna, too! You know, you kind of always smell like
Bologna when you drink, what's up with that? Are you drinking bologna
liqueur? You're so crazy!'

When I used to drink too much then snort tons of cocaine and make
people hate me by telling everyone who never cared how good Marilyn
Manson's Mechanical Animals show at the Cow Palace in 1998 was, again
and again, I sort of knew I was doing it. I felt just enough shame
that, if anyone had called me on it I would have collapsed inside,
totally mortified. If they had then told me I smelled like lu
nchmeat
and had no concept of personal space, I would have been devastated. Of
course, I would have kept doing it, all of it, because I am an actual
alcoholic and therefore have no control over my behavior when drunk,
but maybe your friend is not an actual alcoholic, only swiftly on the
way to becoming one. Perhaps your intervention will be just the thing
to save her from further ruin. It's worth a shot! Just make sure that
you don't start feeling bad for her when the shame spiral sets in and
get all, 'Oh, it's no big deal, you shouldn't feel bad, don't worry,
here, have some Bologna Schnapps.' The shame spiral is crucial. If you
see her starting to drown in self-hate, give her a little kick.
Something simple like, 'Yeah, everyone was talking about it' should do
the trick. You're a good friend! No, I mean it! You're a good friend.

Love, Michelle

Nicole Adds A Bonus Answer from Henrietta of the Old Folk's Home:
Say
"I ain't tryin' to be rude, but can i help you? As a friend?" and hold up a peppermint
(this move was demonstrated to me when i asked her for advice. She holds up the peppermint exactly after saying "can i help you?", and then the part
"as a friend" is supposed to soften the blow of seeing the mint, i think.)

Cat Dander, Myspace, Buttplug Etiquette and Making New Friends

2008-09-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

Hello, Readers! It is September and I write to you from my my borrowed Herman Miller Aeron chair, listening to the snoring sounds that young Wishbone Georges makes from her bed.
1. Get ready for "Ask Nicole Georges: The Tour" this fall/winter. I'll be traveling around the east coast with sts and Katy Davidson, giving live advice everywhere I land.
2. Note: Picture at left is meant to clear my good name of Cat Hating rumors. Look, i like them so much i have , like, twelve on my lap at once!
3. Comments are encouraged and accepted.

Dear Nicole,

Should I tell my ex gf I broke into her email account in a fit of crazy to see if she found someone new?

- Nosy in New Hampshire

Dear Nosy,

If you need to stalk your ex girlfriend, do it through Myspace like any decent person would do.
In the meantime,
do NOT tell her that you broke into her email account! Swallow that secret and clear her password from your mind.

Dear Nicole,

I have always enjoyed the company of animals and grew up around many different types of pets. For the most part, I was raised around cats and when I moved to my own place, I started with having only 2 cats, then I got a dog and became a total dog lover. The cats crack me up with their antics and craziness, and my dog is my best pal and I take him everywhere with me.
Cats can be just as affectionate as dogs.
I know you are an awesome person who cares for all animals. My question to you is, do you think you will ever adopt a cat? What is is about cats in particular that you don't dig?

All the best!

Animal Lover

Dear Animal Lover,

Sigh. I have been plagued with anti-cat stigma ever since i drew a comic that said "As a general rule, i don't like cats." when i was 22.
Well. Let's clear this up.
When i was 23 i hit a cat whilst driving the minivan for an animal rescue organization i worked for. Please take my word for it that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this Grandpa-Cat murder/suicide.
So riddled with guilt was i, that i declared then and there that i would repair my relationship with the feline community. I have a good four years of pro-cat petting under my belt now and would like to say i'm reformed.

I even rescued a litter of kittens (See Above Photo) and drove myself to the brink of insanity after realizing i would have to rear them and find them homes after no rescues would take them (keep in mind i had four dogs and three chickens at the same time).

I actually tried to adopt a cat ,Cleo Clementine Cashew Cardamom Cupcake Georges, last year after Lambchop died. I rescued her from a family off of craigslist who'd moved and left her sitting outside of their abandoned house. I put Cleo in the back of the my borrowed Mercedes Benz and took her home. Well. I'm allergic to cats. I thought after years of dating cat people I'd cured myself, but apparently one dandery cat in one small house in winter with all the windows closed was not the ticket for my sinuses. And so, she is now Cleo Clementine Cashew Cardamom Cupcake Kilcoyne, as I gave her to a friend. They are very tight and it all worked out okay (see photographic evidence, below).

So the answer is: I would be roommates with a cat, or a step parent to a cat, but i would probably not get my own cat. Power to cats. Power to cat people! Hand me a kleenex!

Dear Nicole,
I haven't dated women much.. whats the etiquette on recycling sex toys with other, uh, dates.. presuming I will actually find another?

Love,
Dildonna

Dear Dildonna,
Good Question! It really depends how much sentimental value is attached to said toy and how much money you have at the time.
First and foremost, boil everything. Make dildo soup, but don't forget about it and burn your apartment down like somebody i know.

If you are going to think about your ex girlfriend every time you are attempting to wield your dildo/ horsetail buttplug/ whatever, then you should probably give it away, throw it away, or bury it.

Then, go out and buy yourself a new dildo or horsetail buttplug as a way of inviting new , clean, positive sex vibes into your life. Keep your bedroom clean and your sheets fresh. Put fresh flowers in your room and make it smell nice.
I am serious.

Nobody wants to fuck the crypt keeper, so get rid of the spider webs and bring in the sunshine and I'll bet through this manifestation of bedroom vibes that you will , in fact, lay again.

Dearest Nicole,

I'll get right to the point: How do I deal with my lame-ass friends? Don't get me wrong, I love them, but they just do nothing. Ever. At all. Any event or party that ever happens only happens because I plan it, and most of the time when I'm trying to organize something fun they all just punk out. This leaves me lonely and bored in my room eating cookie dough every weekend.
I just got out of a relationship and the last thing I need is to sit on my ass and think about how it all went downhill. I've tried making new, better friends, but so far this has been unsuccessful. Any tips or ideas? Also, if I didn't want to wait around for them to have a good time, is there any way one can dance alone on the dance floor alone without looking like an idiot? THANKS.
-No More Dull Nights (In Minneapolis)

Dear Dull Nights,

Hmmm.
My questions for you would be:
How did you make these lame ass friends in the first place?
and
Were you in Love Jail whilst in your previous relationship? And if so, were your friends perhaps put off by this or did they feel ditched and so now they are vengefully ditching?

Either way, it's time to make some new friends and put the cookie dough away.
In Fact,
Cook the cookie dough instead of eating it, and wrap it in little packages and take it to the houses of your lame friends in order to butter them up into hanging out with you while you seek out new, cooler friends.

To meet new people:
Organize a sewing circle at your house.
Get involved in some Minneapolis happenings. There's go to be something going on there. It's where Prince is from, for goodness sakes!

By all means, go to dance nights by yourself. You don't have to dance by yourself, though, dance with a stranger!

Go see movies by yourself.
Get a dog.
and
See my previous post about friend-finding for someone who'd just moved to Minneapolis.
Good Luck!

Dear Nicole,
In your personal opinion do you think befriending someone that is hot on Myspace is appropriate? Like, if you don't know them.. but want to..?

Signed,
Curious in California

Dear Curious,

Yes it is totally acceptable to befriend someone via Myspace based only on the fact that you think they're hot. Even if you don't know them.
I've done it before , I'll do it again, and I encourage you to do the same.

What you say to reel them in and make them accept your request, however, is the tricky part.
Like, when they say "Who are you? Do I know you?".

I can't tell you my personal strategy because it would spoil it for myself and future myspacings, but think of something that doesn't sound too creepy, or maybe leech onto the fact that you have a mutual friend. "Oh, i saw you were friends with so-and-so and they're like, my favorite person ever and i thought we'd get along....".

Oh. I have to mention a bit of internet sense. Think of the most annoying person you know. Now think: That person could make themselves sound good on the internet. Just something to keep in mind if you're cruising around for dates.

Err... good luck.

Sincerely,
n.g.