Of Men and Beehives

Dear Nicole,
How do I get sketchy men on the bus to notice me?
-Helpless in Hillsboro

Dear Helpless,
Good question! The answer's simple. If you want to get the attention of ex-cons, motorcyclists, and other desirable men on the MAX, try getting a visible tattoo! Nothing says "Let's Party" like a visible tattoo. I can't tell you how many homemade chest tattoos I've been shown against my will by inky hopefuls who want to bond over our "pieces". Be ready to see bare chests, hairy backs, and countless forearms. But watch out for roving hands of admirers who can't help but paw at your Ink!


Dear Nicole,
I have a beehive hairdo, and struggle with whether or not to wear a helmet when cycling. What to do?
-Fear of Flat Hair in Phoenix

Dear Flat Hair,
I have struggled with this question myself, and would like to share with you an exchange I had with lifelong friend Nate Backous, bicycle enthusiast. "Nate", i said, "I'd rather live a short live with big hair than a long life with flat hair." to which he replied,
"But how good will you look if you're drooling and you can't feed yourself?"
Touche!
So, my bouffanted friend, Don't fear the reaper, Fear the feeding tube.