America's Smartest Girl

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portland, oregon
America's Smartest Girl, Nicole Georges, channels her powers for good as she drums up answers to the world's most complicated questions.

Romance, Career, Health, Pets, Finance. Send questions to Nicole via twitter (@nicolejgeorges) or addressed to her via advice@b-word.org. No suicidal inquiries. Please limit all questions to 150 words or less.

THIS ADVICE IS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Correction, re: Gaydar


Dear Readers, When M in Minneapolis asked me about Gaydar, I assumed he was referring to gaydar when seeking women. Ho ho, Not So! I have since been corrected by M in M , and, since i have no experience in the subject, I have called in a professional Gay Man Spotter, noted expert Lucas Taylor, to field this question for me.
Read on!


Dear Nicole,

IS there such a thing as Gaydar? How do you tell if a person is gay or not? I have never been able to do so with any success and it's caused me much embarrassment when asking for dates.
-M in Minneapolis


Dear M,

Let me step in for Nicole on this one, as a queer man I have done much field research relating to this exact question. I fear my answer is neither simple, short or precise, but know this, gay men are tricky.

Just because a handsome gentleman has a large beard, hairy forearms, a stout frame and a penchant for well designed furniture... he does not a bear make.

Similarly, an androgynous wisp of a boy in skin-tight jeans and an ironic vintage t-shirt does not always spell twink, this could easily also spell B-A-P-T-I-S-T, the key here is wether or not he's holding a sign that says "God Hates Fags!". Well, that's also tricky... because even though them baptist boys know that God hates fags, they still might love blowjobs... from friends... who are guys... but it was just that one time, and it was only on a dare, and they were drunk... and had eaten a lot of skittles earlier in the day on an empty stomach... which led of course to an acute interest to "taste the rainbow".

Also shoes, look at his shoes... if he has skinny jeans on and some all-white new balances on... straight.

Then we are led to this whole "Metrosexual" problem, even that word is a problem to me, I think I just tasted my own vom in my mouth. Anyways, all these straight dudes, who obviously aren't gay, but admire us for our well maintained appearances and our glowing skin, well now they are all becoming total boner blockers.
There used to be a time when it was easy to "spot" a gay man, his over-use of hand gestures while talking, his catty sarcasm, his fabulous clothes, his collection of shoes and hair products... and now, now we have straight men who have stolen our gay identity away from us, and then hide their machismo in their girlfriends vaginas.

As confusing as all of that is... you just have to start learning to read body language, I've noticed my gaydar is more connected to my boners than it is to my rational thinking. Just because a guy is hot, does not mean that it's on, you have to see if he's making eye contact with you, how long his glances are. Is he sitting near you? Does he have his leg crossed? Is the crossed leg pointing in your direction? Where are his arms? Are they crossed or open? Pay attention to his pose and how comfortable he seems around you. And now this is the most important part... make sure he's drunk. When he's good and liquored up you can suavely place your hand on his leg during conversation, how does he react? Does he touch your hand? Or does he throw up... now this gets tricky because it all depends on precisely how drunk you've gotten him... but the drinking is a fail safe, if you totally screw up and it turns out you've just made an advance on some douchebag who is a total "gaycist", well, he probably won't remember the next day, and you can always be like "woah.. dude, I was like, so drunk, I can't remember anything" and hope that he takes a cue from you.

Without liquor involved, you could casually ask about his girlfriend, as in "That's a nice american apparel deep v-neck you are wearing, did your girlfriend buy it for you?". Or I would just hope for a common friend or acquaintance and just ask about his sex life behind his back. I know I know, it's not perfect... but it's all I've got.

Lucas Taylor

2 comments:

j said...

brilliant advice! thanks sailor lucas.

spinstersummer said...

good advice? I'll Say! he really "nailed it" this time.