...Like a Doorknob

Good Morning, Starshine.
The earth says hello!
Blibby blop blooby, nibby nobby nooby, la la la la la.

Hi everyone.
I've made a friend. Her name is Winner.
Winner has created a video entry, or "webisode" of the advice column, which will premiere next week.
Not only that, but we also aspire to put up podcasts with on-the-spot answers to your deepest questions (i.e. "should i tell my friend to brush her teeth?").
Please keep your questions coming and stay tuned!

Dear Nicole,

Should i continue to date this girl that everyone says is a slut and she proclaims her prudeness? I can't tell who is lying.

Queer in a Quandary

Dear Q in a Q,

First of all:
If people are calling her a slut, that sounds like some misogynist behavior there, as i have never ever ever heard of a butch lesbian being called a slut, therefore proving the old slut/stud double standard can cross right into queer territory and be fed by gossipy dykes.
Blah!

Secondly:
Is she a slut, or is she a player? There is nothing inherently wrong with being a slut.
I don't' know where you live, but in Portland it's not so hard to find someone your friends have made it with.
It's a small territory, we're only human. Etc.

This leads me to a Portland Truism, once said by Josie:

"In Portland you don't lose your girlfriend, you just lose your turn. "

Heyo!

(if you blend that with a popular Yo Mama Joke, you get: "A Portland Lesbian is like a doorknob- everybody gets a turn!")


If she's a player, then that's a problem. Often, players try to hide their game by acting demure or like
"oh, yeah i have no game I'm totally a prude",
which lures people in more effectively than if they said
"yeah, basically i have tight game and I'll have you naked by the end of this song." !

So. If i were you I'd be even MORE cautious of someone proclaiming their prude-dom, because as you have seen even in last week's column, that is a sure fire tactic for getting laid and making yourself seem more wholesome than you are.

The nerdiest, most fucked up looking people I know would make Jay-Z's jaw drop with their sluttiness and playerdom (because people find them to be non-threatening and they use that fucking "I Have No Game" line). Consider.

Good luck. Avoid the clap. Etc.

Love, Nicole




Dear Nicole,
I understand that opposites can attract, but can a serious stoner and
a devoted boozer ever really make it work?

Thanks,

Only24butplanningahead.


Dear Only 24,

You could definitely make it work because neither of you are in touch with reality, and so you'll stay emotional adolescents for a really really long time, and that could be fun. Is that what you want to do?
I mean, i guess it's better than inflicting your addiction on an otherwise clean person, right?

not trying to be harsh it just sounds like i am,
n.g.


Dear Nicole,
How do i tell my friend her girlfriend is annoying and i don't want to be friends with her if they date?
-Irritated in Iowa


Dear person,

These days, I truly appreciate having my friends and my dates mostly separate. This relieves you from the friend split once you divorce, and also gives you space to talk about the person you're dating with the people who know you best.
Not that you were asking, but i wanted to throw that out there.
Also, I get sort of bugged out when i have friends who subject me to their dates all the time. It's sort of like roommates. I live alone , and when i go to a friend's (communal) house to hang out, I'm not there for a party, and so I don't want to have to perform for their many roommates. I'll do it, but it's not my preference. I feel the same way about having to hang out with friend's new dates. It's sort of awkward, this person is sometimes temporary, and of course your friend is acting different b/c they're on their best behavior or are nervous OR (if you're super super lucky) , they're having relationship problems and can bring that tension along with them. Cool.


Here's what you say to your friend:
" I appreciate your friendship, but it's hard for me when you try to make me hang out with your dates. I'm not interested in the people you're dating, I'm interested in you. I like hanging out with you one on one, it makes me feel more relaxed and like we can be more honest."

Try to schedule alone time with them. If they invite their date along, peace out early.
You don't have to burn down the friend shack for this, just make better boundaries, and probably they'll break up soon and your pal will be glad to have you separate so that they can talk trash on their ex with abandon.

When you absolutely have to hang out with your friend and the hate-date, bring another person to relieve your third wheel status. You can still have fun while the couple acts out their patterns of annoyingness.







Dear Nicole,
Is it a bad idea to travel to another land with your ex who you're still sort of hot for? Do you suspect such residual hotness is mutual if such plans are being made, or am i just sleazy? She does have a girlfriend.
Love,
My Hitch Hiking Heart


Dear Hitch Hiker,

There is something sleazy about traveling with someone you have a crush on who has a girlfriend, BUT , whatever. It's not that sleazy. It's not like you're going to make a move. Just go with her, remind her what a good time you can be and how hot your pajamas are, and then maybe someday when she breaks up with her girlfriend you can console her and she'll look up through her tears and see your angelic form and say "what was i thinking?" and then you guys can start having sex, or maybe casually dating, and you may or may not remember why you broke up, but whatever.

Good Luck and keep your hands to yourself,
(but in general spooning is probably okay if you give the excuse that you're exes),

n.g.




Dear Nicole,

After a series of unfortunate events, ie: a personal economic recession, I have landed back at my uberconservative parent's house in bourgeois wonderland after living la vida homo on my own or with friends for years.

While I am enjoying the comforts of guaranteed meals, air conditioning, and the respite from the end of the month requisite panic attacks, I am having a little trouble adjusting to being back under the dad regime. It was easy to deal with the obsessive-compulsive "no crumb left behind" policy and the passive aggression masquerading as "lifestyle tips" during occasional weekend visits, but its becoming a little trying on a daily basis.

And I'm not gonna lie, I'm more than a little nostalgic for the days of being able to masturbate on the couch in the comfort of my own home.

Help me Nicole, I have a few more months to go until I'm back on my feet and ready to venture back into independence. What's a down-on-her-luck radical lesbian feminist to do?

----Overwhelmed in the O.C.


Dear Cast Member of the O.C.

1. It's only a few months. Be Polite. I know you can do it.

2. You owe your parents for letting you come back. You don't need to throw yourself at their feet, but they have given up their privacy and resources to hang out with their adult child for a while, so please show them some respect!

I don't know what works for you, but you have to bring yourself back to the reality that is your life so that you don't' regress into childish antics of rebellion when they push your buttons (which would be my first instinct in this situation).

Example:

Dad: So anyway, i was just reading in the bible that premarital sex was a one way ticket to hell. And since you can't get married (because you are a lesbian) then i guess that means you're out!

You: Thanks dad. I appreciate the thought, but i think I'll be okay.

Alternate Response: Just a blank smile and a "thanks" will be fine.

This is what adults do. They put it in perspective, act chill, and don't let their minds spin out into
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you're telling me i'm going to hell? thanks a lot dad, i knew you secretly weren't cool with this lesbian thing and i can't believe you're so passive aggressive about it. you're not perfect, i mean you're basically obsessive compulsive and like, super controlling, and ...."
Which, i imagine, would be the knee-jerk response to your Dad's attempts at getting your goat or giving lifestyle advice.
Fight it!


3. Drive elsewhere during peak parent hours. Go for a walk, go to the library. Make plans, and work harder to get the fuck out.

4. Tell them how much you appreciate them by doing little things to make them happy; like cleaning the house unexpectedly or buying your Mom flowers.

5. Watch their digital cable after hours and masturbate to your heart's content while eating expensive snacks that you would never be able to afford on your own.









Dear Nicole J. Georges,

I have a lot of love to give. I've always been a good friend to
animals, and had a lot of pets growing up, but there haven't been
really very many dogs in my life. I've always thought they were a lot
of work. But recently I've been feeling a little bit of a void in my
life. I'm sort of a lonely misanthrope and lately have been wondering
if I should get a dog to keep me company. I already have a very smart
and adorable and sweet cat, but I think I'm emotionally needy and
maybe I need to level-up and get a dog. How do I know if this is the
right move? And my cat, who I love more than anything, how do I know
this would be the right thing for her too? She can be kind of a stress
case, and when she's unhappy, I'm miserable. I want to provide the
best possible life for her, and I would feel really guilty if I got a
dog and it made her quality of life go down. She's not really an
easy-going cat, and when she sees a dog across the street, she hides
under the porch. So any advice on how to pick out a dog, or whether or
not I should get one at all, would be helpful! Also, what do you feed
your dogs? Do you feed them vegan food? I looked into that for my
cat, and found that vegan cat food can give them bladder infections, so
I decided against it, but was wondering how dogs are with vegan food...

Thanks,

Perplexed Pet Person

Dear Perplexed,

1. You should bring a mild dog over for a week to test the waters and ask your cat in a real an honest way if this is an alright situation.

2. If your cat consents, then it's time to go to the shelter.

Bring a friend with a heart of stone and a mind of reason, so that you don't leave with an animal that day, and you don't leave with a dog you feel sorry for.

DO NOT be wooed by a pretty face or a pity party. At the time this will serve any codependent leanings you may have, but in the long run it is the least fair to you and the dog. Because you'll get the most fucked up dog there and then you'll get home and have a hard time and have to bring it back, and instead of staying in the shelter and getting a forever home with an experienced dog owner, your pity dog will be flailing at your home as you pull out your hair and say "Ten more years of this!?!?".

Ask the people at the shelter to tell you all about the dogs and their history with cats. i would recommend one who has lived with cats before.

I always advocate for getting a middle aged to senior dog in this situation. They're good starter dogs for you, especially if you work or have a cat, because they're not going to have anxiety attacks if you can't walk them 2 hours a day, and they'll be a lot more relaxed and less mentally active.

Stay away from terriers and hunting breeds that will have a fierce instinct to chase small creatures (like your cat).
Such as: Jack Russell terriers. no no no!


3. Before you get a dog, i recommend reading Cesar's way to Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer. I know he's controversial, but in my experience, his methods work and I truly appreciate his outlook on dog psychology and human behavior.





4. Dogs are alright as vegans, much more so than cats.

There is a book i would like to recommend to anyone on the fence about this issue called
Obligate Carnivores, by Jed Gillen.





It provides an excellent argument for vegan pets.
Here are some highlighted points:

Dogs are not strict carnivores in the wild.

Basically, there are vegan cat and dog foods which synthesize the nutrients they would otherwise get from meat.

The meat used in most cat and dog foods is so low-quality, that you're not necessarily doing them a favor by feeding that anyway.

When you feed your pet food made from other animals, you're putting a value on one life over another.
You're basically trading a cow for a dog, a chicken for a cat.

Cats and dogs don't necessarily live natural lives right now, so why get uptight about it in this one area?



As for my canine companions, they are pescetarians right now.
They've been on vegan food before, and I've always supplemented it with eggs from my backyard chicken coop.
They were happy and healthy that way, and I wouldn't rule out going there again.
But for right now, they are pescetarians.
And...
I hope that angry vegans around the globe do not torch my house now.
Please trust that I have my reasons!


(you can borrow my copy of the book or get it at http://www.foodfightgrocery.com)


In conclusion: Get Cesar's book so that you'll have a good idea about what dog ownership entails, and then, if you cats says it's okay, go and get a dog! If your cat says no way, you should get Cesar's OTHER books, and the Dog Whisperer DVDs, and Obligate Carnivores, and just study dogs for the next however-many-years until your cat has Gone To The Other Side.

Good Luck!