Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Special Guest: Tara Jepsen
Dear Readers, This week we are surely blessed to have San Francisco Dreamboat Tara Jepsen answer a question for y'all!
Tara Jepsen, Ass of Largesse
Disabler of Smoke Alarms
Loner, Partner, Loaner of Partners (permanently)
What more could you ask for?
I recently started super crushing on my ex girlfriend's good friend and confidant. He feels the same about me, but this situation is made complicated by the fact that said ex is nowhere near being over me. Needless to say, she feels betrayed by her friend for perusing "her woman" and both my new love interest and I feel very guilty for hurting her, but don't feel like we can deny our feelings for each other.
How would you handle this situation in a mature and healthy way? Also, should I be suspicious of new love interest's behavior...I don't think he is being a very good friend to her by perusing me either. Or should I simply understand that he is probably a better lover than friend?
Torn and Wary
Dear Torn and Weary,
It would help to know how long you gals have been broken up, and I'm going to guess about 3-6 months.
In my experience, the majority of the Inappropriate (because of friend and ex connections) Romances of the World are ill-conceived and acted upon too quickly, and lead to substantial loss. Most seem to happen in your 20's, before your heart has been relentlessly trampled by other developing hearts and alcoholics, and the bone-deep understanding and acceptance of your solitude hasn't set in yet. When I say "solitude" I just mean that it is just you making your way, it's not noble or terrible it just IS. Solitude brings stability and empowerment and ultimately a reliable skill set for being a healthy/loving/reliable partner.
I do find that most people absolutely love the feeling of inevitability (in this case, that you MUST be with her confidante), and passion is stoked by its forbidden quality. What a bunch of Catholics.
My recommendation is that you don't leap into anything. I would take time, gather information, get to know this guy better. It does not scream integrity or kindness that he wants to pursue his good friend's ex. I would not have sex with him or get too close for about three months. Just to really get a feel for him and your connection. If it's real and special and you are going to be together, you will have years and years to spend screwing and living and loving and you will value the process of entering the relationship thoughtfully.
There IS the rare instance of true love. You could be an amazing match for each other and it could be that the circumstances are crappy but worth wading through to build something with this person. I would still spend time getting to know him so you can decide if it's worth hurting your ex and potentially not even ending up with the dude anyway.
I would act out of kindness, not guilt, toward your ex. Think of how you would feel and how you would like to be treated in her place.
Have fun, and also think of your long-term fun and joy goals.