Thursday, April 23, 2009
Migraines, Dyke Drama, Polyamory, Wieners and More!
I have been plagued by migraines the past couple of Tuesdays, and unable to answer your queries. To make up for it, I present you with a super sized advice column this week! Also, I have put an "ADULT ADVISORY" setting on my blog, as I am currently teaching school and want no youngsters traipsing into the advice column reading about rock hard boners. Thank you for your understanding! Hopefully having to admit to being 18 before reading my blog will make you feel like a bad-ass, not just a shifty pervert.
Recently I started seeing a really awesome, sweet guy who's been a friend for a long time. We took things a bit slow (in my world) and went to bed after four or five dates.
It was a disaster.
He wasn't able to maintain an erection and we both ended up frustrated.
He attributed it to nerves and the fact that he hadn't been intimate with a woman in a long time, so I rolled with it and just accepted that the first time isn't always great. But it's happened again...and again. And it turns out this has been a recurring theme for him.
The one time he was able to actually stay hard long enough to fuck me, I have to be honest and say that it wasn't great either. He has a small penis and I barely felt it (I'm a pretty small girl but the last lover I had, I suppose, was a lot bigger and that's what I'm used to). I wanted to get on top so I could come, but changing positions made him lose his erection yet again.
I think his problem might be due to his smoking (which he's trying to quit) and drinking habits. He has agreed to see a doctor about this.
I'm just wondering if perhaps we're just not sexually compatible. If I am perpetually dissatisfied, I won't be a very happy or honest girlfriend.
Is it horribly shallow to break up with someone because of bad sex? I've been in long-term relationships before. I'm a single woman in my early thirties who lives in a big city, loves books, writing, electro, coffee, traveling...and I think I'm okay-looking, too. I want to find a partner for life. This guy is lovely in so many ways. He's bright and funny and creative and we have a great flow of conversation. We have a lot in common. But sex is very important to me and I want to be blown away (no pun intended) in bed. I'm just underwhelmed and frustrated and we haven't even been dating for more than a month now. Do you think it's worth it to stick with it, or just cut my losses and find someone who's awesome, hot, intellectual AND good in the sack?
Here are your options
As with all things, don't stick around and complaining like a giant baby if you're not getting what you want. Either commit to be with this guy and try to turn that frown upside down, or leave him alone to find someone who appreciates him the way that he is.
Saying that you're going to be an unhappy and dishonest girlfriend because of his erectile dysfunction is completely ridiculous.
If you decide to fight (and i mean this as in The Good Fight, not as in "arguing"), here is my advice:
The wiener does not need to be the main course. It is not the life of the party, and if you give it too much credit, i think you're going to be disappointed. You just need to use your imagination. There are about a million other ways to Have Sex without standard intercourse. Sit on his face. Slap him around. Make him use his hand on you. What-Ever!
Lots of people live their entire sexual lives without giant rock hard boners in play. Join the party!
Regarding his erectile dysfunction:
If you are a hot girl going to bed with a nervous guy and giving off harsh vibes that he is inadequate, what do you think his penis is going to do? It is going to tuck its tiny self back into its shell and hide from your judgmental gaze. If you want to stick around, I say learn to love his small member, make him feel GOOD about it, throw some Viagra in his drink, and see what happens! Nobody wants to "perform" when they feel judged or like they're doing everything wrong. Give this guy some positive energy. He sounds like a nice person.
I would give him a couple of months to Go See A Doctor, and to see if he responds to your new positive attitude.
It is far easier to find a person to have sex with than it is to find someone you're super compatible with.
You could have sex with any dude off the street and find a large member, but someone who is kind and bright and funny and creative and has a good flow of conversation? Not as common.
2. With all that said, you do have option two.
Dude has absolutely no control over his penis being small.
You have the right to get what you want in this world.
If what you want is a naturally large wiener that is ready to go at your beck and call, then I say go for it.
Do this guy the service of leaving him now before things get ugly, and go find some studly dude to service your needs.
Recently, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me by explaining that he had been cheating on me with a male. I was devastated to know that he had cheated and very sad to not be with him anymore, but at the core of it, we are close friends and I wanted to be there for him. He was going through a lot mentally by coming to terms with his sexuality. It took some time, but we are now close friends once more.
The problem that I am having is that since being single, I've had some serious questions about my own sexuality. I'm beginning to explore my own preferences. We've basically been together since I was 14 years old, so I guess I never really realized that I was a lesbian until losing my long-time male companion. He is still very touchy if the end of our relationship is brought up, and is very reluctant to tell me anything about his new relationships. My sexuality is something I would like to discuss with him, but I am afraid that he will be angry and tell me my feelings are just being brought on by the fact that I'm still pretty newly single and still pretty hurt.
I guess the thing is, I would like to discuss what's on my mind about my own sexuality to someone I consider my best friend, but I feel like there is too many bad possible outcomes.
I would love your advice on how to go about this.
Gay & Gayer
Dear Gay and Gayer,
I know it seems unnatural to no longer be best friends with the person you just spent four of your formative years with, but i have to tell you, it's for the best. Space is natural after a breakup. It helps you both learn to live independently and helps you figure out who you are after all of this, gives you space to view things objectively, be mad, sad, remorseful, whatever, and THEN come back to the friendship with a clean slate. Without taking everything he says to heart, without bringing up old wounds, etc.
So. If i were you I would ask for some space, express that you still love him as a friend and will always be there for him but just need some time to get your head on straight (har har),
and THEN start your new career as a lesbian!
Once you do, I suggest giving some tips on sex without a dick to person X (see above advice), because she apparently needs it.
Welcome to the Isle of Lesbos! It's nice to have you here.
I've started dating a really cute girl. She's very smart and also funny and likes to do cool things like eat food, walk around the city, and make out with me for five hours. She has a girlfriend and they're polyamorous and I am wondering, what's the etiquette around asking her what their boundaries are? Is this a second date conversation? A third date conversation? An after we have sex conversation? But, what if the boundary is no third dates? Or, no actual sex? Shouldn't I know everything I could ever possibly need to know immediately? Or is it not my business? At what date does it become my business?
PS I know you hate polyamoury.
Dear Sister Wife,
Though I am a hater of polyamory, it's only through years of trial and error; so while bitter, i still feel equipped to answer your question.
While it is the responsibility of the person IN the primary relationship (herein referred to as your Really Cute Girl) to communicate and keep the boundaries she set with her partner, it doesn't hurt to cover your ass by asking up front.
I say, you should ask once going to first base. Ask if what you're doing is allowed. And while you're at it, what else is allowed? Disallowed?
It may be disappointing to find out you'll never get a third date, but it's like ripping a Bandaid off- find out up front so you're not devastated later when she has to cut things off or leave you hanging on the verge of sex when she remembers that she's not allowed to fuck you.
You can choose whether to ask her all these things over dinner or whilst in the throws of first base.
Just remember the old t.v. PSA jingle:
"The More You Knowwwwww" .
I'm 5' 9 and 110 pounds, an art student in a big city, and am
constantly running around. I've been skinny all my life and have dealt
with many people putting their two cents in on the subject: from
teachers pinching me and frowning on the street to first dates watching
me closely over dinner (for god's sake I'm nervous!).
I always defended myself, knowing I'm not anorexic and I eat when I'm
But since I moved away for school it's gotten worse. I am constantly
working and being so busy that I easily forget to eat. (I am also a
The happiest I was about my weight was when I was in Europe for 3
weeks, last winter. I had no responsibilities, and was able to eat
wonderful big meals 3 times a day out at nice restaurants. I gained 12
pounds and it was awesome.
Back here though, I can't afford the convenience of eating out and I
have no energy to cook anything. Because I can get away with it I'll
spend money on art supplies over food. It's horrible feeling as though
I can't take care of this basic need that is such a no brainer.
What's worse is I tell my friends I'm trying to gain weight and
everyone doesn't want to hear it. "Don't let anyone hear that", "Why?
Want to switch places?". I've been trying to eat more but it's not
easy--stress eats up my hunger.
Starving Artist Not Starving
I don't get what your question is, Starving Artist Not Starving. It sounds like you ARE starving, because you said you don't eat.
Though it may sound at first exhausting, I would like you to stop and take in people's commentary as genuine concern.
Women in America are valued for their bodies, and thus many starve themselves into being as thin as they can to get the rewards that go along with this.
With this knowledge in mind, people who don't know you well, but genuinely want the best for you, may be hoping that somehow they're helping or de-enforcing the praise that society bestows on the thin.
Think of taking in their sincere motivation as You being zen. Or somehow enlightened.
It could also be said that it is none of people's business what you do with your body, and so please could they just leave you alone.
With that said:
Quit spending food money on art supplies.
Make a food budget and stick to it.
Don't buy art supplies with your food money, or you could do irreparable damage to the only thing keeping you on this earth: Your Body.
That's it. That's all that is keeping you here. It won't last forever.
If you aren't eating, you aren't thinking clearly, and your art is suffering.
Keep snacks around. If you don't like to cook, but you know you'll get hungry, go buy some Luna bars or Lara bars, or snack mix or crackers and keep them within arm's reach at all times so that at the very least you don't slip into a blood sugar coma in between meals.
Find at least one friend whom you can confide in and talk to about your struggles with food or judgment. Tell them that you need to be really honest with them without getting weird comments, and that if they are deeply concerned about their weight of course they should tell you, but otherwise, you just need a friendly ear and someone to stuff some trail mix in your mouth if you get too busy to snack.
Let them keep you in check.
Do the straights have drama like the gays have drama? Is there any drama like dyke drama?
Signed, Curious and Curiouser
Dear Curious and Curiouser,
Let me generalize here and say that men are less comfortable talking about their emotions than women.
Take two women and put them together and what do you have? Two people who love talking about their emotions.
AND whose emotions fluctuate , quite literally, with the tides of the moon.
THEN add in some Queer Subculture Extras like polyamory or the fact that everyone's dated everyone else, and you're stuck with days of processing the finest of details and interactions, deconstruction of every word, mood or action, many tears and an abundance of "I Statements".
This formula leads me to believe that dykes have the most drama of anyone.
Or at least, they take would-be drama, blow it up and discuss it to death.
Which seems like more than what most straight people do.