My boyfriend and I are in a band together. He's been playing
in bandsforever, but this band is the first band he's played
in that takes it seriously and tours a lot.
I've been in a somewhat a little popular band, and I'm a lot
more recognized in town. For this band, my boyfriend writes
almost all of the music, and I mostly write the
vocal parts and sing and play keyboards live.
He also does a lot of the design.
He does a lot of work for the band.
Because I'm more established in town and in the rest of the
country, I get recognized a lot more for the band than he
He feels like I overshadow him, even though he feels like he
contributes more, and I think he resents me for it.
He gets credit for everything on the albums, and I try to
give him credit when I'm in conversations with other people.
It's making him feel bad that people are excited that "I" have a new project, and they often overlook his
contributions and give me more credit than I deserve.
Is there anything I can do about either other people's perceptions, or his perception
that his work goes unrecognized?
Reluctant in Rhode Island
You deserve whatever respect you are receiving from music
fans in your hometown and across the nation.
This IS "Your New Project".
You are involved, people who like you get to hear your voice
and influence. You should be able to enjoy the attention you
are receiving for hard work you've done in the past and today.
It's also your boyfriend's New Project, and if he is getting
people to listen to his music and support his art because
they are already a fan of yours, then he should be glad.
What's the big deal? He is getting more attention
than he would have before because he has teamed up with you.
Let's pause for a minute to note: This problem has nothing to
do with music and everything to do with ego.
People can read. If they read the album notes they can see
that he writes the songs.
It's fine if they're still excited about your involvement.
I have been on music tours with band-mates who were
(deservedly)more recognized than myself for their art.
I have been on literary tours with authors who were
(deservedly) more recognized than myself for their art.
I received the benefit of a wider audience based on these
people deciding to work with me or take me along. I had no
reason to resent them for their past accomplishments.
I just felt grateful and lucky to be involved.
Do you think everyone in the Corin Tucker band is just
seething at all times because she's getting attention for
the band? No! That would be insane.
They are happy to be PLAYING MUSIC TOGETHER.
I asked musician Katy Davidson her input on this question,
and her answer was simple. To paraphrase:
"Tell the dude to take his ego out of it and
focus on the music."
It is great that you make an effort to give your boyfriend
credit where credit is due, both personally, in public, and
It is great that you validate his contributions to the band.
That's all you can do. Keep doing it.
The rest is up to him.
Please don't apologize for your success.
Katy Davidson has been playing music professionally for a
long long time. Her most recent musical project is called
Key Losers. She is also one half of the groovy duo
Lloyd and Michael.
She is currently touring the globe playing keyboards
in Gossip. Find out more about Katy here.
By the way, the Corin Tucker Band released a new video
TODAY! Check them out, they are on tour right now!