Loneliness, Bargain Boning, and Vibrator Addiction

Dear Nicole,
what is the best way to make friends in a new city?
-lonely in illinois

Dear Lonely,
I moved to Portland when I was 19, with my boyfriend and my best friend. The things I'd do then, the kinds of friends I wanted to make, were entirely different than what I'd do now, but here's what we did: We had a show at our house. In addition to bands, we had wrestling on mattresses, a pie eating contest, and a compost drinking contest (in which we juiced the compost that had been sitting on our counter for the past two weeks). We made tons and tons of fliers and passed them around town. The three of us had actually experienced extreme discomfort in our new city when attending someone else's house show, but bringing the people into our own seemed like a completely rational idea, and introduced us to people who would become our friends and roommates for years to come.
However,
since I know that you, the reader, are not a nineteen year old punker, I give you my very best advice.
1. Sign up to volunteer somewhere that you imagine your people might go. In Portland the Independent Publishing Resource Center or Reading Frenzy are great places to get a staff volunteer job where you come across different faces from the zine and independent press community and can suss out potential friendships from there.

2. Myspace. Ask your pre-existing myspace friends if they know anyone from that town or can give you pointers on where to go. You'd be surprised how many people have either grown up in your town or have friends there.

3. Go to some small shows. Just to get a feel for who's out there. I like to have something to do at a show. Otherwise I feel awkward and useless. So if there's a table to sit behind or some baked goods to sell, i'll do it. Then, the people come to you! Don't do all the work of going up to people.

EVEN BETTER, if you have a friend who's coming through town with their band or project, go to their show and glom on to them. They probably know people in that town that are up your alley. This worked for me when i moved to a small farm town near Chico, California. Old Time Religion came through, and even though i knew their members only minorly and wasn't even sure if we liked each other, it was like oxygen to see pasty pacific northwesters in this sunbaked college town environment.

4. Invite some people over for scrabble.

5. Get a job somewhere with a lot of lesbian foot traffic. If someone were moving to Portland I'd suggest getting a job at Powells, Stumptown, or New Seasons, because all of those places have built in communities of interesting employees (also, they are the only jobs in Portland i can think of with benefits and living wages). Is there a place comparable in your new town? Even if you don't want to work there for the rest of your life, it can help you suss out the crowd.

I wish you the best of luck.



Dear Nicole
what are your thoughts on "vibrator addiction"? is it an epidemic in the lesbian community?

Good Question!
Unfortunately there isn't a universal answer to Vibrator Addiction. I have a friend with a fierce attachment to her Hitachi Magic Wand and used it daily for years. She started dating someone who also had a Wand, but who could not use it within two weeks of having sex with a human, lest she was unable to orgasm. SO. my friend thought this was a good idea and also limited herself; but one day realized "Wait a minute, using the Wand makes me hornier and i can STILL have an orgasm with a human, even if i used it just before they came over. Why am I limiting myself in solidarity with my partner? Our bodies are completely different!" SO. What robs one man of clitoral human contact is the feedbag of another .
The decision on whether or not to feed your own vibrator addiction is completely, 100% personal. Can you come with a human being while still using your vibrator? Do you have to lug the vibrator into your bedroom in order to climax with a date? If so, do you Mind doing this ?
There is no rule that says your climax needs to be 100% organic and human produced, but it is a much better party trick to be able to come from having sex with a human being than with a vibrating power tool. So, considering the joy that vibrators undoubtedly give to a great majority of the lesbian population, I can't call it an epidemic. But, like all things, it is wise to consider the ramifications and make changes thusly.


Dear Nicole
why is gay sex so darn expensive? do you have any advice about bargain boning? how can i reduce the amount of money i spend on lube, sex toys, porn, etc.?
-Broke in Boston

Dear Broke in Boston,
Gay sex. hmm. It is expensive.
Though through my extensive research, I've found that gay sex is less expensive than birth control, fancy condoms, and living in fear of unwanted pregnancy every month.
Strap On Harness: $80.00
New Dildo: $99
Having Gay Sex: Priceless
The good thing about sex toys (to me) is that you can make an investment and it pays for itself over and over again.
I would suggest that you have a Sex Toy Swap party, but you know that no one is going to bring a VixSkin dildo there in your size. And if they did, would you want it ? The false skin technology is so soft and seemingly porous that it would almost seem like you were accepting someone's actual discarded penis, only way less sanitary. I imagine a sex toy swap party would be full of dolphin shaped novelty dildoes, cylindrical vibrators and giant sized buttplugs that defeated their ambitious owners.
A fun party, but not christmas for your cunt.
I'm less into the idea of bargain shopping or making your own sex accoutrements, and more into thinking of ways to make money to afford them.
Maybe you can have a bake sale to earn money for your new sex toys, or get a man off of craigslist to watch you have sex for money. Heck, maybe you can have sex with a man off of craigslist for money! Or try selling something on ebay, like locks of your hair or your own used sex toys. There's got to be a pervert out there who'd buy that giant buttplug off of you.
As for porn, i'm not sure if you're a Glass of Wine Watching Fag Porn By The Fire kind of person, but if you're looking for cheap thrills, you can find them on pornotube.com. There are no pop up windows or viruses (that i've ever seen) and you can search gay or straight porn for free. The clips are about 1-6 minutes long, and you're at your computer. So it's not a night on the town, but it will do in a pinch.
Good luck to you, Broke. And let me know if you think of any creative ways to afford your sex products.