Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Live Advice from Gridlords, Part I
My mom is a scrappy & obstinate 59 year old. She plans to move soon to a smaller, easier to manage and maintain home due to health issues and gradually waning physical strength. I am her only remaining child & will be doing approximately 90% of the grunt work involved in the move. How can I appeal to her (should I?) to jettison the 100+ bowling balls she has obsessively & randomly collected over the last 10 years? I will have to pack, move, & unpack these goddamned things! WHAT TO DO?
Dear Bowling Ball Child,
You need to say: "Mom, I love you. I am happy to help you move, but I cannot move those bowling balls. I just can't do it. They are unwieldy and it is stressing me out. I'll help you with everything else.
If you want to keep them, we need to find you some movers."
I was raised without a t.v., and up until now, lived as an adult without internet, or most technologies. However, I just got and iPhone. I realize I have no ability to tune out media. How do I learn to not be constantly sucked in?
Dear iPhone K-hole,
First of all, buy this print by Dan Moynihan, because TIME IS FLEETING.
Then get off the internet.
A few rules: when you are around other human beings, especially ones you don't see every day, stay off your phone. Keep your ringer off. At meals? Stow it. Having a conversation? Ignore it. At home and want to commune with loved ones instead of zone out like an alien? Keep the ringer off and put it in a drawer.
If you have a real problem, like you can't get any work done or you think it is effecting your relationships, enlist someone (your spouse or friends) to remind you to quit it if you slip and use your iphone when you are supposed to be working or communicating with physical humans.
There is a guy who hired a woman to come to his house and slap him across the face whenever he looked at Facebook instead of doing his job. Get that, only don't pay them.
Also, there are programs you can download to shut down your internet while you are working. Check it out!
How do I tell a relation (whom I love) that he's selfish and a big sponge, without ruining our relationship forever?
All you can do is make boundaries and take care of yourself so that person can't sponge off of you.
Accept that they are a lovable mooch, they're not going to think about you (because as you said, they are "selfish"), and that you just aren't going to do them copious favors or give them money. They'll be fine, they'll survive, and you won't have to give them anything that makes you uncomfortable or resentful.
Telling that person your harsh judgments of them is not going to strengthen your relationship or make them a better person.
Sometimes when I wipe my butt after pooping, there's blood. Is that what being a woman is like? Should I bring this up on dates so I seem more relatable? Please help.
Do you see the kinds of "questions" I have to put up with when I do live advice? People testing my knowledge of math and physics, people asking personal questions about my love life, people asking hogwashy philosophical questions to be cute. and now this. A man asking me if blood coming out of your butt is what it's like to be a woman.
No, that is not what it's like to be a woman. THANKS FOR ASKING!
Never mention this to a woman.
Go see a doctor, stop straining so hard, and gimme a break. That is my advice.