America's Smartest Girl

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portland, oregon
America's Smartest Girl, Nicole Georges, channels her powers for good as she drums up answers to the world's most complicated questions.

Romance, Career, Health, Pets, Finance. Send questions to Nicole via twitter (@nicolejgeorges) or addressed to her via advice@b-word.org. No suicidal inquiries. Please limit all questions to 150 words or less.

THIS ADVICE IS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Speed Advice from Short Run: Part II






Good Morning, Advice Lovers!
I present Part II of live speed advice given at the Short Run Small Press Fest in Seattle, Washington last month. Read on. 

How can I make shoes at home?

Staple a strip of cloth to a piece of wood and then slide your foot in there. Voila, it's a shoe!
Or, use empty Kleenex boxes.


Dear Nichole, 
The ghost of my dead cat keeps visiting me at night when I sleep. How can I tell her spirit that it's okay to rest now? 
Signed, Haunted

Dear Haunted,
I think it's more a matter of you resting and letting go. Do you know what I mean?
It is important, once the initial grieving process is over, to take down the giant shrine that you've made to your dead cat. A photo (or pet portrait, ahem) is fine, but if you have many kitten and cat photos strewn around the house, or her collar on your bedside table, you are haunting yourself with the ghost of feline past, and it will not help your brain move on to the present and put your sweet cat to rest.
Tell her, audibly, that you loved her so much, but it's time to go now. She'll understand. 
If your cat persists, then perhaps she is a part of your psyche that represents something else.
But what?

Name one song based on crows. NOT BLACK BIRDS!

This is not advice.
But how about any song by Counting Crows? Mr Jones? I know that doesn't count, and I'm sorry for reminding you that that song exists at all.

What do you think of Cross-Fit? Is it a fad, or a good exercise program?

I think Cross-Fit looks very difficult, which is great. It doesn't matter if it's a fad or not. It probably is a fad, but so what- it's better to vary your exercise routine and work out different muscles at different difficulties than to do non-fad things endlessly for your whole life. What's not an exercise fad, walking? Zzzzzzzz.
All of that said, please be careful if you do Cross-Fit. If you are not used to the crazy things they make you do, you may damage something, so make sure you are honest with your self and your body, don't try to be a hero about it, and listen to your instructor.

Who let the dogs out?

Who? Who, who?

How do you get WiFi up in this piece?

I never found out- I just used 3G.
Ask the front desk.

What should I do to kill time at Short Run when my bf is wandering for hours?

It depends if you are at a table or not. If you are stuck at a table,
construct narratives in your head about each person who approaches your spot.
Imagine a story line for them, and how they are related to the person who walked by before them.
Are they swingers? Step-brothers? Co-workers at a rat milking factory?

I also like to imagine how much better every person would look with a good haircut.
I used to do this when I went to Midnight Mass with my family on Xmas. I would give every lady a black bouffant hairdo in my mind, like Michelle Mae from the Makeup. She had some of THE BEST hair I had ever seen on a contemporary person. They looked great.  



If all else fails,
Go buy the Bad Roommate Zine from my table, hole up somewhere and read it.



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