America's Smartest Girl

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portland, oregon
America's Smartest Girl, Nicole Georges, channels her powers for good as she drums up answers to the world's most complicated questions.

Romance, Career, Health, Pets, Finance. Send questions to Nicole via twitter (@nicolejgeorges) or addressed to her via No suicidal inquiries. Please limit all questions to 150 words or less.


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Getting Harsh, Embracing Western Medicine.

Dear Nicole,

First, I want to let you know that I admire you very much and think you are super cool and rad and beautiful. Second of all, I am confused about my feelings and what I should do in my love life! I have been with my boyfriend for a little bit over a year and although I love him and our relationship is fun and fulfilling emotionally, sex-wise it's not cutting it. I'm kind of bored and before we were together, I was a girl who changed partners a lot and I kind of want that. We've talked about an open/poly-amorous relationship and he does not want to do it at all. I don't want to break up with him but I'm just not that happy with that--plus, we also have an hour or so distance between us that makes for a mostly weekends relationship, which I am tired of as well. Also, I am a queer girl who has never had sex with a lady, but want to and have been thinking about it more and more. I think maybe I should just not be such a wuss and end our relationship but also I am afraid of being alone forever and no one loving me. And also I like him a lot and when we are together, we have a lot of fun and happy times--I think I said that. What do you think I should do?

Sex-crazed and confused

Dear Sex Crazed,

Sounds like you want to break up.

But you're hesitating and you'll feel guilty about it for a minute, so
Let's pretend there's another option for a second....

You can go one of two routes in this situation:
1. give it the old college try .
Do you want to be in a long term monogamous relationship? If you do, then i say take the reigns and put some more effort into your sex life with this dude before you totally kick him to the curb. Suggest something you want to do. Give him encouraging pointers. See what he's up for. I give this method One Month. If he's not game, and does not show improvement within a month, then dude is toast.

2. Goodbye, Dude.
My first instinct is to tell you to break it off with this dude.
Sex is important. Especially within the first year, it's one of the main things differentiating this dude from your best friend.
Also, what is up with dating for a YEAR with all that distance between you? If neither of you feels inspired enough to bridge the gap and be around each other for more than a weekend at a time, then what is the point? What are we getting at with this?

It's only been a year. you're not very old.

You don't need to be in a lukewarm marriage at this point in your life.
He is never going to be comfortable with polyamoury, and the longer you stay in a sex-free monogamous relationship, the longer you are going without having the awesome sex you deserve, and the further and further you get from having sex with a lady.

You could die tomorrow, so find a relationship that satisfies you for today at the Very LEAST!

p.s. You will not die alone. I can feel , psychically, that you are not very old.

p.p.s. You are preventing this guy from finding the monogamous, vanilla woman of his dreams by holding on to him in your vein attempt to escape loneliness. Be Fair.

Dear Nicole,
my friend just transitioned (ftm) & I really hate his new name. should I tell my friend his new name sucks & is really a pet name used in bed?!

- Sad Tranny NYC

Dear Sad Tranny,
Don't tell him!
He probably labored over this and thinks it's a truly awesome name, and you will just hurt his feelings.
In the meantime, suggestions:

-Perhaps saying this name enough times will desensitize you to it's heinous qualities.
Just say it : Fluffy Fluffy Fluffy Fluffy.

-Have hope, friend.
There have been documented cases of people changing their name more than once when they found that a certain name wasn't their style.


-Take Matters Into Your Own Hands.
What if you found a great nickname for your friend and tried to get it to catch on?
A pet name, like "sport" . then other people might hear you call him that, you can refer to him when he's not around,("Hey Did You Hear What Me and Sport Did This Weekend?" "who's sport?" "Oh Sorry, That's What I Call Fluffy") and maybe it will catch on and that will replace the name Fluffy.
Good Luck!

Dear Nicole,
if i use a feral cat i found in the feed the raccoons that live in my i automatically a "dog-person"....or am i just into lookin' out for my own?
-Cabin Fever in Portland

Dear Cabin Fever,
You are definitely a dog person.


Dear Nicole,

My vagina itches. Really itches. Sometimes it's all I can do not to take a Brillo pad to my dearly betrayed lady parts. And who's responsible for this? Me, it's sad, itchy owner. Seems that the food the rest of my body craves turn my junk into a sourdough factory. It's not like I have a terrible diet--I don't eat meat or many processed foods. I'm sweet on leafy greens and legumes. I chew spelt on the regular. Shit, I go on double dates with keifir and yogurt.

Despite this not-so-terrible diet of mine, it turns out that the food I'm most romantical with--sweet, cold Hamm's in a can--is just the food that make my mons all itchy-scratchy. Not cool, Hamm's, especially when I've been so loyal to you. All your other friends have either switched to microbrews or left you for jobs and families and shit. But I'm still here, listening to you bitch about Pabst.

So my drink of choice makes my vag itch, yes, but the remedies aren't all that heinous. I mean, shit, there are worse things in life than shoving raw garlic in your hole and douching with yogurt, right? Things like sobriety. So, my question: how many cloves is it cool to shove into the darkness at once? And once at capacity, how long do I keep that shit marinating? Also, is there any substance I could substitute for my beloved Hamm's that would lessen the yeast effect? Please don't say water.

Itchy in NC

I forgot to mention that I wear really tight pants and don't want change that either.

Dear Itchy,
So you want something in your life to change, BUT you don't want to make changes.... Interesting Perspective!

Get ready for an onslaught of hippie yeast infection recipes on the comment board (spare me,Portland );

BUT here is MY advice:
go to the store and get some Monistat.
there is nothing worse than a yeast infection. NOTHING WORSE. (except for a UTI i guess...)

If walking around with the dental floss leashes for twelve pieces of garlic in your junk isn't doing the trick and is getting tiresome, there is nothing wrong with going to the pharmacy and getting some medicine from modern times.
It's cool to be Of The Earth, but it is not cool to feel irritated 24/7 because you have cheese coming out of your vagina. seriously!

After this is cleared up, you need to make some changes, lest it come back with a vengeance!

You have to drink something with less yeasty sugar.
If you need something with less sugar, try vodka like Monopolowa.
It is delicious.
If you need to look punk, drink whiskey. Get a flask. Very Punk.
You'll need less to get drunk (which your body will appreciate) and you will look very hard.
Wear cotton underwear.
As for your pants? i don't know what your gender deal is, but could you sacrifice and wear a short skirt for a while? Just a few days. You can wear it with some cotton leggings or something.
If that is too womanly for your tastes, I say invest in a onesie. That being a one piece outfit, sort of like a mechanic would wear. One that is loose enough that it doesn't further infect your crotch. Not only will you look cute and be a walking conversation-starter (do NOT tell people you're wearing it for yeast prevention), but you'll be giving your crotch a break.

when you're at home, chill out in pajama pants. Put on your skin tight outfits only when you leave the house.

That's my advice.
The doctor has spoken.

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