Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Iceberg Lettuce, Alaska, and a Nymphomaniac.
I'm a gay girl who lives in a sizable but not huge town in central Kentucky. I've been out for two years. I'm 21.
Pretty much all of my friends are straight.
I have close friends, lots of casual friends, and many acquaintances. I feel like my social network grows each and every day. I'm a friendly, amiable person. I go out all the time (to parties, shows, etc.) and I'm sociable. I meet new people. I get along with people well.
But a lot of the time I just end up falling for straight girls because that's who I am around the most.
I want a girlfriend or just some kind of experience. I've drunkenly made out with a friend twice and that's all I got.
All my friends tell me that I either need to a) make friends with "the lesbians" and/or b) go out to the gay clubs and bars more. The thing is, I don't have the time to make a bunch of new friends. And I think it's kinda backwards to try to become friends with someone just based on their sexual orientation.
They tell me I'm an awesome person and I'm cute and that I deserve to have a girlfriend or hook-up or whatever. They say I don't put myself out there and I should just go up to girls and start making out with them. I tell them that I don't have that much confidence and even if I did I'm afraid of committing sexual harassment in that situation.
And of course I feel lame and left out when everyone else is hooking up and getting boyfriends and girlfriends and I'm going home alone again. I can't help but be intensely jealous.
Is it just a waiting game? Or do I need to throw myself into the culture? Is it possible to get a girlfriend without being friends with lesbians and going out to gay bars all the time?
Frustrated and Waiting
Hi Frustrated and Waiting,
Okay man. Let me break it down for you:
1. It is NOT backwards to make friends with people based on something that you have in common. Don’t be ridiculous. That’s how humans get along , their commonalities. In this case, it’s sexual orientation.
You hanging out with only straight people and wondering why you don’t have a girlfriend is like me going to Outback Steakhouse and wondering why I wasn’t served tofu. Your drunken straight girl makeouts? The equivalent to an iceburg lettuce salad. No nutritional value! Unsustainable as food! You don’t need it.
2. If I were you, I would try to find a gay function in my town via the internet. Make Myspace friends with a lesbian in your land and let her lead you to a potluck or a book club or a dyke show.
OR , go to anything labeled “feminist” and you will find your people. Seriously.
Do not listen to your friends who say to just “walk up to someone and make out with them”. That is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
3. Go to a gay bar. Bring a friend who could not be construed as your date. An obviously gay man would be my choice for this. Look friendly. Talk to people as a team (it will take the pressure off), buy somebody a drink. Mingle!
Make eye contact and try to send heart fluttering vibes the way of someone you think is cute.
Sneak a note into someone’s pocket telling them that you want to have coffee with them. Something!
The worst that could happen is they suck or they’re not interested.
No problem, just bid them farewell and return to your friend whom you came with.
I find it is very fulfilling to hang out with people who have core similarities to myself. Be it vegetarianism, punk, or an understanding of queer culture. You will be surprised how different it feels to be around a pack of lesbians than a pack of straight dudes, FaW, I guarantee it.
Give it a shot and Go get what you deserve. Tofu, greens, fisting and all..
so my ex and i ended on not so great terms (yelling, slamming doors, etc) and we also had a rocky relationship that should have ended ages before it did. We haven't talked in 3 months. I have a new gf, that I'm really happy about.
the question: her birthday is coming up in a week or so... do I send her a simple card to let her know I still care and maybe we can be friends in the future? Or do I let it die and move on?? Thanks!
Hi there, Door slammer.
I think you should send a very simple note that says someone along the lines of “I hope you have a really nice birthday. Sincerely, so and so”. I don’t think you need to get wordy or mention the hope of friendship some day, just let her know that you remember and that you are a person in the universe who still cares.
I moved to a new town recently and have been going on internet dates like three times a week. I am not finding what I want. I’ve left a wake of one night stands, And the only guys interested in dating me are the ones I never want to see again. Have I cursed myself into nympho-dom?
What is your goal in online dating? If it’s to get laid, then I think you’re doing a good job. But from your letter, it appears that you’re not looking to get laid by the greater metro area.
It seems like you want a date.
If you’re looking for a boyfriend, then Slow down!
You are not obligated to have sex with someone just because they are cute and available
First order of business:
STOP SLEEPING WITH PEOPLE ON THE FIRST DATE. In order to figure out someone’s potential , you need to talk to them. I think conversations will flow more easily and honestly WITHOUT a dick in the mouth of either participant.
So Slow Down. It’s not going to fall off if you don’t use it, and if it’s the right person, you have the rest of your lives (or you know, the rest of the relationship) to fuck each other’s faces off.
RELEASE THE BEAST. I’ll bet that after going on three dates a week for however long, you have a solid Little Black Book of sex partners. There has got to be at least one person in there who would be stoked to have you as their Friend With Benefits. You could sleep with this person once or twice a week (without sleeping over or giving them the wrong impression) just to take the edge off, so that you don’t feel like a blood thirsty vampire gazing upon an exposed neck when you’re on a first date with somebody totally hot and likable. It will also let you focus on the person’s personality on the first date, which is way way more important for boyfriendship than their ass riding abilities.
Good luck. And don’t catch anything.
You can have great sex with someone you hate. Keep that in mind. Doing it with someone straight away will not tell you anything about their ability to be your boyfriend.
What do you do if your ex-boyfriend offers to buy you a plane ticket to Alaska to visit him & you’ve always always always wanted to go to Alaska, like since high school, but you’re pretty sure you’ll have to put out for said plane ticket once you get there and the last time he visited it was nice pretending to be bf/gf again, but also weird and you promised yourself you wouldn’t sleep with him anymore, still you really really want to go to Alaska, should you go or not?
If you promised yourself that you wouldn’t sleep with him anymore, Then you should not go to Alaska.
Think of how much better (and less like the movie Pretty Woman) it would feel to plan a trip to Alaska with a friend whom you do not feel sex pressure or emotional strain with. Empowering! Fun! No emotional damage necessary!
p.s. I would also advise you to make clear to this person that you can’t sleep with him any more because you are not dating and it makes you feel conflicted. Instead of having the specter of a false and loaded relationship hanging over your friendship, you can have honesty and clarity and start something new and more light hearted with him. Consider.
SURVEY QUESTION FOR READERS:
What percentage of Lesbians do you think engage in fisting?
Please comment your response. We are taking a poll.
You are also welcome to note the following with your answer:
-Whether you have large or small hands and
-Whether you have ever actually engaged in this activity we call Fisting.
I am being totally serious. Thank you for your help with this matter!