The Economy, Portland,Bisexuality, Blah Blah Blah

Dear Ms. Nicole,
So I've started this new job. The girl that trained me openly told me
she was bi three days into us knowing each other. I found her
attractive but didn't want to act on it. Now her friend has started to
hit on me. And I've seen her at the bar a couple times. Unfortunately,
I'm not attracted to her. As the month has gone by I have been more 'in
to' girl #1. I have only been with 1 other girl a year ago so I'm not
familiar with hitting on girls. The only thing she really does is
comments how large my breasts are and that she likes them, so I don't
even know if she's interested. What do you suggest I do to let her know
I'm interested?
--
Bi and Curious,



Dear BC,

Keep shutting her friend down (because you know that sleeping with the friend will eliminate your chances with #1),and get bold with your crush. Just get it out of the way. Say "Would you like to get a drink with me after work?" and maybe wiggle your eyebrows or otherwise let her know that you mean "A drink. Just the two of us". When you get there, BUY her the drink and do things to denote that this is a date. Try to flirt openly, see how it goes, and if she shuts you down, so be it.
Get back to work.

p.s. You may wonder if this is completely unprofessional, asking this woman on a date. It is, but i sort of think that her commenting on your chest and outing herself as bi on the FIRST DAY negate standard professional protocol.







Dear Nicole,

Last week I was fired from my job. My managers arranged a meeting and pulled out my Spring Break zine I had wrote last year that had some funny little anecdotes about the customers at my ex-place of business. This zine was a part of your Spring Break project. They thought it was offensive and canned me.
I had never before considered the ethical backlash of being an independent publisher of zines because I always figured no one would read my zines anyway. My question is: are there ethical standards for zines? Would you advise never to write about ones place of business? How ought ones writing being censored if one desires to "put it all out there?" I notice you use different names for your friends and draw carrots for people you don't like. What other ethical policies do you adhere to?
Gracias,
TMI in Tennessee


Dear TMI,

I can't believe you got fired for a zine.
I am so, SO sorry.

I noticed in your original letter, you signed your real name. That is your first problem. You need to stop using your real name in public forums!
If i had it to do over again, I would never have used my real name for any of my zines.
With that said, here are
My ethical standards for zines (All learned the hard way!):
Never use people's real names
Do not mention your place of business by name
Don't use your zine as a sounding board for how much you hate a certain person (like, during a break up).

Keep your friends and keep your job by following the Georges Method!







Oh, Nicole,

So I know the economy is totally crashing and burning right now, but in a massive stroke of luck I just got a job which offers a pretty serious adult salary. I was pretty psyched until I realized that everyone else I know is in danger of losing their job, has lost their job, or can't find a job to save their lives. So instead of psyched, I'm feeling serious survivor's guilt. I can't even ask any of my friends to go out for dinner with me because they are all broke and refuse to let me pay.

What do I do? I feel really bad about feeling good.



Dear Overwhelmed in Illinois,

The only thing you can do is take care of number one and keep trucking.
You deserve the good things that are coming into your life, and should take a moment for gratitude in the place of survivor's guilt.
Guilt won't help anyone.

Make dates with your friends that they can afford.
Offer to split something at a restaurant,or go out for burritos. Offer to make dinner together or go to the dollar theater. Surprise a broke friend sometimes by paying for their movie ticket, but don't make it a habit.

Good Luck, and congratulations on your newfound fortune!










Dear Nicole,
How can i convince my creative, liberal friends that they shouldn't move to Portland? if everyone who makes a difference in their community moves to Portland to be with "like-minded" folk, what good does that do?
and why do these people have such a problem being around others who aren't exactly like them in their city/state of origin? thanks!
Signed,
Shoulder Chip



Dear Chip,
It's fine if your friends want to move to Portland. In Portland, they can finally rest easy knowing that if they want to see something radical, they don't have to be the one organizing it. They can relax as a participant, knowing that the good fight is being waged somewhere with or without their micromanagement.

As much as I understand the want for keeping radical people close to you, I also understand that it is very stressful to be one of only a handful of a certain subculture. It feels really really nice to find your pack, and unfortunate for our smaller city friends, sometimes Portland is the landscape in which the liberal pack thrives.

If they move away from your community, they will only be leaving a legacy and room for growth, in which new people will step up and take on the cause.

Don't stress out so much!

In a larger city, your friends can grow up a little and decide if its for them. if there was something nourishing their soul about their place of origin, they'll return. I'll tell you one thing, though, flies to honey my friend. If you're as bitter when they visit as you are in your letter, you may find the trips home few and far between.

Blech! Toilet talks, shy lesbians, having money, and more.

Dear smartest girl ever,

This woman at work insists on telling me about her poop every time she
goes to the bathroom and I want her to stop. For instance, today she
stopped by my cubicle and said, "I should weigh myself NOW, I've been
constipated for a week, and I just went a whole bunch. Remember when
that happened last week?" Last week she informed me that she's been
eating too much cheese and was therefore constipated for a few days but
then after that started having the shits and kept stopping by to tell
me every single time!

Is there a nice and polite way to tell her to stop? It doesn't end
with poop, sometimes she tells me, in low hushed tones, about how badly
she "had to go pee just now." She usually does it with such glee and
in the spirit of friendship though, it makes me feel bad about
squashing it. I think she thinks it's building up our friendship, and I
don't want to hurt her feelings.
- Grossed out in Gainesville


Dear Gainesville,

The pee thing i can understand, but Poop Talk? No way.
I tell people from the start that I am not into poop jokes,and do not wish to hear about their bowel movements.
I then (naturally) adopt a look of disgust when they do bring it up, which reminds them that i am not a friendly ear for their farts.

If you feel too far gone for that, you could pretend that you USED to like talking to her about poop, but have recently come down with something that makes it intolerable.

Beat her to the punch next time you see her and are having a talk by the water cooler:

"I don't know how this happened, but I have totally started getting grossed out talking about poop! My roommate mentioned something about it and I started getting sick to my stomach. So, no more poop talk. Sorry, friend."

or

"Hey, I can't hang with poop talk right now. I just ate."

Something like this.

Good luck.
Gross.






Dear Nicole,

If my boyfriend and his best dude friend ride motorcycles together--as in, one bike, two dudes, major spoonage--does that mean they're gay for each other?


Love,

Concerned Beard

Dear Beard,
Could be homosexuality, could just be Bromance; but as long as your boyfriend is coming home and having sex with you (a woman), I don't think you need to worry.



Dear Nicole,

for a girl with little discipline, and a not a lot of outside deadlines, how best do i stay focused and keep my eye on the prize?

Signed, In need of a firm hand

Dear Firm Hand,

When all else fails, schedule work time amidst other human beings.
Put it in your planner!

Take your notebook or your computer to a coffeeshop and know that you would much rather be seen there working on a project than on Facebook.

Make a note for yourself "NO INTERNET".

Find another friend who has studying (or a deadline) to work on , and invite them over for some strict and quiet work time. After a few minutes of tea, you will keep each other on task with the miracle of Peer Pressure.

Schedule these things for yourself as many days of the week as you can, and stick to them.
Your work is a priority. Treat it that way.





World's Smartest Girl:

I feel like a jerk to be complaining, but here goes. I have a sort of intense job as an accountant and I make six figures. Meanwhile, my social scene is comprised of urban queers who are musicians, artists, baristas, social service providers, aging scenesters, and similar folk. These are my people that I hang around and feel close to because we share the same interests in feminism, music, community, etc. I have a hard time bonding with other professional people in the business/finance world because they don't roll like I do and they think its very strange to go see a lot of shows and be an out and about queer. But I also feel alienated from my social friends because I have so much financial and educational privilege and it feels like no one has a shared experience. Sometimes I feel like a eccentric and affluent curiosity. Sometimes I feel like the only grownup at the all ages punk show. I thought it would be interesting to hear what you think about that, because I would really like to get over myself.

-Richie

Dear Richie,

I'm not sure what the question is here, but your life sounds cool to me.
You get to live a grown up life while still hanging out with your people, the gaywads. Thank goodness you live in an area where your peer group is not comprised exclusively of straight accountants. Things could be worse!
Inevitably, as you age you will feel like the only grownup at a punk show. That comes with the territory. You would feel this way as a prince or a pauper, given you are over twenty five years old.
If I were you, I would thank my lucky stars that I can afford to fix my teeth, afford stable housing, and retire someday. Many of your friends (and people in the world) truly do not have this gift!
So.. Gratitude! Seriously, stop stressing and just be glad.


n.g.



Dear Nicole,

so there's this girl i have my eye on, do i really just walk up and introduce myself? (that's so... courageous).

Signed, Curious in California

Dear Curious,
Do you have any friends that can introduce you?
If not, just go up to her and say "Hi".

I'm an avid fan of bribery
("Hey do you want this coupon i just found?"
"I thought you might like a butterscotch."),
but have definitely sat myself next to people and just started talking.

Ask her some questions (but don't cross the line into being invasive),
or ask her advice about something
("Hey, do you think that the bartender would look at me if i leaned over the bar like this?").
Just be friendly and honest.

Even if it doesn't work out, it's good practice.

The lady on the left is on a date with 3 people at once.

Dear Readers,
Thanks for your patience. After a few weeks off, I am ready and raring for more advice. I hope to have a podcast or web radio show soon, so stay tuned.
In the meantime, I have a new 150 word limit on questions. This is the last edition of Ask Nicole to include questions as long as Encyclopedia Britannica/Bible/Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Thank you.



Dear World's Smartest Girl,

Here's a question about dating etiquette.
I am a recently single young lady and am on the prowl, so to speak.
I'm dating about four women right now. I'm not polyamorous or anything. I'm just dating.
I live in a mid sized town.

Friday night, I was out on a date and bumped into someone else that I'm seeing, that I'll be going out with on Sunday.
I went over and talked to Miss Sunday and her friend, chit chat, said hello. It was apparent, however, that I was on a date with Miss Friday, who hung back and did not meet Miss Sunday.

I like Miss Sunday because she's smart and sweet and I've been on three dates with her, only just kissed her once and am just getting to know her. Not sure what my intentions are.

Miss Friday, who I'm sleeping with but am sort of ambivalent about, hung back and I don't think she could tell that Miss Sunday and I have a thing going.

Anyways, what am I supposed to do when that happens?
When I run into one girl when I'm out with another girl?

I tell the girls that I am sleeping with that I am dating other people but the ones I'm just getting to know don't know about my ways because, well, we aren't ready for that conversation yet.
Furthermore, I might decide I like Miss Sunday enough that I just want to cool it and hang out with her, I don't know right now but I don't want to foreclose the option because I'm seen out with other people. What I do know is that I want to act right and not mess it up even though I'm dating other people. So, a bit of etiquette instruction, if you don't mind.

-Randy

Dear Randy,
This situation is only as awkward as you make it.
The time to tell someone, in my opinion, that you have other dates, is before you make out with them. Before you even kiss them, you have to say
“Hey, I have to tell you that I’m really really CASUALLY dating some people right now. I just want to let you know that. ….” And you can elaborate or not based on their reaction. But don’t let them trustingly stick their tongue in your mouth if you have someone else’s spit marinating in there.

If you run into one girl when you’re out with another, I think you should say “Hi, how are you?” and make it brief. Tell them you’re excited to see them again or WHATEVER, but you need to say “Okay, I have to go hang out with my friend Miss Friday right now. Nice talking to you. See you soon.”

Don’t make it awkward for Miss Friday by openly flirting or carrying on a long conversation with Miss Sunday. No matter who you want to keep making out with in the situation, this is bad manners.

If you act totally chill and normal when you return to Friday’s open arms, then it shouldn’t be an issue. If she brings it up later “Who’s that?” try to be open and honest, but gentle with her feelings. Even if you feel ambivalent about her, she's still a HUMAN and might not feel ambivalent about you, especially considering the fact you were on a DATE and are currently having SEX with each other. Which in some cultures means "I Like You" .
SO. Be Polite. Be gentle.

Don’t act squirrely or guilty. You’ll only make things worse.




Dear Nicole,
I want to talk about The F Word; Friends.

The back history: I've been in Portland for 5 years (as of this
week), and I have yet to make my 'core' friends here. I have lived in
larger cities like Chicago and Los Angeles and have always had my core
friends (usually 4-5) who I could really count on and share trust and
closeness, both ways. It always provided a sense of family that I
value very much. I don't do small talk and shallow acquaintances very
well, I prefer quality connections with fewer people rather than
shallow connections to a lot of people. I'm a bit introverted and
low-key, and like one-on-one time rather than big social situations.
I tend to get ultra-sensitive and awkward in large social situations
(this is something I'm working on).

THE PROBLEM: Since I have moved to Portland, I have had many
fall-outs with folks I try to befriend. Usually what happens is that
there is an initial spark (sometimes romantic, sometimes not),
sometimes this spark is quite powerful, and we hang out, communicate,
etc… then it seems that to keep the connection going I am the one
doing all of the communication and 'tuning in'. However, this is bad
because it causes an imbalance, and both people are left resentful of
each other.

I realize that these things take time, but Portland has a science all
of it's own and I sense that you may know something that I don't.
Help.

Yours,
Open and Sincere.




Dear Open and Sincere,

In any relationship, romantic or otherwise, there needs to be reciprocity. If you are trying to contact people who are dropping the ball and not contacting you back, then you need to move on. Sounds like they aren’t interested in the same level of friendship you are.
This is where acquaintances come in handy. You make someone’s acquaintance, find out if you have a common interest, and if things go well and you’re both so inclined, hang out one on one as actual friends!
I find that social networking sites are a pleasure for this purpose. They give names to the faces you see in your community, and give you a chance to contact them outside of parties and random run-ins.
I want to add that you mentioned a romantic spark for some people who you’ve tried to befriend. This is a bad tactic if you’re looking for stability in friendships. You don’t want something volatile and hinging on whether or not you make out.

As for your desire to have friends and not just acquaintances (“shallow connections”), this is something I hear about as often as I hear lesbians declare their future want for a goat and to live in the country. VERY COMMON.
Nobody wants JUST acquaintances (not even your acquaintances want JUST acquaintances) , BUT we (Portlanders) are lucky to live in a land of common interest. Portland is a bubble with a giant queer community and thriving underground culture. Don’t take it for granted. Recognize the giant privilege you have to even KNOW that many people who are into the same things as you. You have the luxury here of rooting through the acquaintances to find people with whom you share not just gay-roddery and love of books, but also personality or communication styles. Lucky you! Community is nothing to take lightly.


So my advice to you is, look for commonalities with people whom you do not want to bone, test the waters and if the waters are unreceptive, move on.
Also, see my advice about friendship from 2008.

Good luck .




Hi Nicole,

You probably don't remember me, but I went to Rock Camp this summer and was in your zine workshop. It turned out we were both from Kansas!
Anyway, you said you went to Aquinas for high school. Well, I am in 8th grade and about to take a placement test on Saturday. I am torn between two high schools. I shadowed at Aquinas and a new school called St. James, but I can't decide what school I want to go to! Overall, I really liked St. James better, but at Aquinas I will have more friends. I have one best friend going to St. James, and two best friends going to Aquinas. I really can't decide where to go. At St. James you get a mac book, which is awesome, but Aquinas I will know more people and have a cousin there. Aquinas is also much closer to my house. The tuition is also cheaper at Aquinas. Transportation might be a little problem for my parents and I, but I think we could work things out. Do you have any idea what I should do? I really need to decide, and fast!

-Torn Between Two.

Dear Torn Between Two,

I had a nice time as St. Thomas Aquinas. I met new friends, and maintained friendships with my public school friends outside of STA.

Go to the school you like best, and I promise you will have some friends.

I warn you though, in my days the freshmen as STA were forced to wear beanies with propellers the first week. The seniors could then walk by and flip the propeller on your. Really undignified.
If I were you, I would hide the beanie in my bag and only put it on right outside the classroom door. If you pretend to be a stone cold sophomore, you won’t get in trouble.

Good luck.






Dear Nicole,

Okay, I'm 16 years old and have been in a (sort of) long relationship with my boyfriend (8 months to be exact). But the whole 'I love you' thing started EARLY with him. I didn't say it back until I thought I felt the same, and I do think I feel the same. My problem is the 'planning our future' thing started early too. And I just feel trapped because he loves me a lot, and I (and everyone else) can see that. I know for a fact that if we break up he's going to be...self-destructive. As in drinking uncontrollably. Oh, by the way, he's 19 and goes to college in Michigan (while I live in Illinois) if that makes a difference. And the other thing is I don't want to break up with him right now, I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with him...or I'm just not sure of that. I want to experience new things and meet new people before I tie myself down. Should I talk to him? Should I just break it off now? What should I do?

Love,
Trapped.

Dear Trapped,
I hereby give you permission to break up with this guy.
You’re lovable. So what. That doesn’t meant you owe the first dude to declare his love for you anything. Lots of people are out there who also might want to love you. It doesn’t mean you need to get married to all of them.
You are not old enough to be making a crazy long commitment (not because I’m ageist, but because you need to date some more people and figure out what you want to do with your ENTIRE LIFE and what kind of person you like) , and you haven’t been dating long enough to be surgically tethered to this dude. His drinking is his own business. If he wants to self destruct after an 8 month long relationship, that’s his own deal. He’ll get over it.
Turn the page, dude.
YOUR business is to take care of yourself and have fun! Date someone you KNOW you love. Or don’t! Date a bunch of people and figure out what you want!
Don’t act like an old lady just yet. You can wait until you’re at least in your mid twenties for that sort of behavior.

A sick rabbit, a misanthrope, and the sailing ship of Romance

Nicole, how are you?So it's midnight, and i'm getting into bed in my new apartment in sf. it's so cute, i love it! it even has a backyard. and my sheets are clean, and i'm kind of excited to get under my covers and fall asleep- it's going to feel so good- and i have a big day ahead of me tomorrow. but holy fuck nicole, the guy who lives above me snores like a goddamn jackhammer. he just moved in this week and is our landlord's grandson, and last night i barely slept.
so what do i do? i need my sleep.
i have my fan on high for noise pollution and radiohead playing, too, because they're nice go to sleep music, but i can still hear it. it's so loud and once i hear it, i can't ignore it. it's like pg&e is outside my bedroom drilling. did i mention, i'm wearing ear plugs- these foamy things. i hate them. and they don't work all the way because i can still hear the low rumble (it's like subterranean), and they hurt my little ears. nicole this snoring frequency could be on a sitcom. what do i do? if i don't get sleep, i might kill him.
thanks! Sincerely, Sleepless in San Francisco



Dear Sleepless ,

I'm tired, but luckily i live alone with no snorers to be heard, thanks for asking.

What a mess! Well, my friend, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that you have options in this situation. The bad news is, they all involve a level of discomfort on your part. It's just a matter of choosing which discomfort you prefer.

1. Emotional Discomfort:
The first thing i would try is calling the landlord. I would ask them if they could help you find a solution to a problem you've been having, and then explain that there's a loud snoring sound coming from their grandson's apartment every night and it's been keeping you up. Is there anything they can think of ? Would they mind talking to him? I would completely roll over on my back for this one and try to sound as non threatening and polite as possible. You could even lie and try to sound like you're completely understanding : "Yeah, my dad used to snore like that!" . Something to take them off-edge.


If this fails, then go on to options 2-5

2. Financial Discomfort:
You could try an actual white noise machine (there's a psychiatrist in my office building who has a white noise machine outside of his door and it really does work. i never hear anyone talking, crying, or screaming in his chambers.) and some high quality earplugs. The earplugs are $15.00, which seems like a lot for earplugs, BUT they provide more comfort and sound control than the foamy kind. Take a friend with you to the store for these items and try them out. Stick some plugs in your ear (if that's possible) and have your friend mimic the snoring noise as loud as they can while your back is turned. Do you hear it? Do the same with the noise machine. If you take it home and it doesn't work, please be a bossy grandma and take it back to the store to get a refund. "I demand my money back!" . Because those are expensive.

2.. Emotional Discomfort:
I would put on my most non threatening and peace-seeking face and walk downstairs with some cookies or something.
"Hi", i'd say, "I'm Nicole. I just moved in Upstairs and wanted to introduce myself."
Maybe at this point he'll mutter something about a hello.
"I know this sounds crazy, but can I ask you about something?"
"sure..."
"I need your help. I'm having a hard time sleeping because there's a snoring sound coming from your apartment at night. And i know it's none of my business, but i was wondering if there's anything we can do to work this out. What do you think?"

4. Feng Shui Discomfort:
Put your bed in the living room and put your t.v./hostessing supplies in what used to be your bedroom.
Unless you live in a studio apartment, i guess.

5. Financial Discomfort:
Find a new place to live.





Dear Nicole,
I have been single for 6 months and want a girlfriend.
Unfortunately, I have a chronic case of misanthropy and tend to only
leave my house for food or when bribed. Also, the mere thought of
being flirtatious with someone new sends me into a panic-induced
frenzy. How do I transcend my fear of getting acquainted? Did I
mention I don't like dating and have IBS (Incapable of Being Slutty)?
How do I meet an attractive lez who loves cats and all things
domestic? In addition to the above issues, I also have a very specific
type. Am I hopeless? Where do I find intelligent/cute/available andros
who are looking for the same? Help!

Sincerely yours,
Single and not loving it


Dear Single,
The good news is that you get to use my favorite slogan : "I'm Single and Ready to Mingle!!!"
Print up some tee shirts, make one of those giant buttons, get a visor, and tell the world that you're ready to take it on!

That advice probably sends your body into convulsions of discomfort,
so, here is some different advice.

If you want to find a mate, and assuming it's somebody you don't already know, then you're going to have to Man up (or Moman up, as it were) and deal with the discomfort and awkwardness of getting to know somebody brand new. Tuck some Rescue Remedy in your cheek, swig some wine or a grail of mead, and just do it.

1. Do you have any trusted friends who could set you up on a blind date? Just ask them. The lesbian circuit is very closely connected. Somebody has got to know a person with whom you could be a match.

2. I know you're going to hate this, but.... look on the internet. I know, I know. That's why i suggested this second and not first. If i were you I would sign up on a reputable dating site, but also go low (and accesible) like craigslist. I would be incredibly specific, so as to sift through the many heinous e-room dykes that will undoubtedly respond to your query. I happen to know at least three decent people off the top of my head that have found excellent dates through the internet.
At best, you find somebody you like. At worst, you have a fun new hobby of laughing at the people who responded to your ad.
Make them send photos with their emails. Seriously.
And if your friends find out that you have an online profile.... So What. Who gives? It's not like they caught you staffing a glory hole or something. It could be worse.

3 &4. Take some downers and go out with your friends (or a friend you feel comfortable with).
Go to a party. Go to Homorobics. Volunteer somewhere with a high lesbian quotient.

IMPORTANT:
Make sure that you are flagging "available" when you do go out. If i even see people together in a grocery store i imagine they're married

For example:
If you need someone to go to a gay club with, go with a fag. That way , nobody will presume you're boning the person you showed up with, and they'll feel more comfortable talking to you.


5. You are going to be nervous and shy and bumbling. It's a fact. If you are on a first date with the right person, they will find this endearing and it will put them at ease in some way, because at least you're not a stone cold Rico Suave Player (friend, the person for you is not going to want to date Rico Suave. They're going to want to date somebody who has "IBS" and gets nervous when trying to flirt with strangers). Also, the right person will put you at ease somehow.

If they decide not to date you again, who cares. They obviously can't hang with the awesome jam you are providing, so it's for the best.

6. Open up your "type". Everyone has a type in their mind. BUT you might be shutting out somebody awesome that could become your New Type if you're not careful. Keep in mind your core value deal-breakers, of course, but if somebody has Blonde Hair instead of Black, or wears a skirt sometime instead of pants, and they still want to date you, jump on that shit and see if it works. Open your mind, man.

7. "My grandmother always says 'Never Refuse an Invitation' "
somebody told me this once and i think about it when people invite me somewhere and i'm on the fence. accept generosity and friendship. It will lead you to good things.

8. Stop focusing on finding a date and build yourself up more so that when you do meet somebody, you're a total powerhouse of treasure.


P.s.
Through the return address on your email combined with my mental powers of psyhic-osity , I can see that you are a Catch! A very cute and charming human being for whom the right person will come along. Mark my words!



Hello,

I have a f*ck buddy etiquette question.

I am a lady who usually has sex with men. I have a good guy friend and we've been pals for five and a half years. We live in different cities and visits are scarce, however, this January a trip to his town unexpectedly turned into a mega-sex fest. It was awesome, and we discussed that it was okay and wouldn't mess up our already solid friendship. A few months go by, I date a few folks, but upon my next visit to that town in May, I am suddenly single again, and a sexy weekend is ours once more. This Monday, I was dumped via text message (rude!) by a guy here where I live and I am suddenly single yet again. I am heading back up to the town in a little over two weeks, and even though I have my heart set on hot action with this guy, I don't want to get my hopes up.

Question:

I want to make sure my special friend is single and is still feeling the whole hot-action-with-me sort of thing before my plane lands in town. How do I delicately (he is kind of a sensitive guy) ask him, "Hey are we gonna do it this weekend or what?" without making him feel obligated or weird and without me looking like all I want from him is sex. Because I don't! In fact, I have the utmost respect for him and might actually be madly in love. But that's a side issue. Or is it? Oh brother.

-- Bewildered in the Bay Area


Dear Bewildered,

Why do you need to know in advance?
Just curious.

I think that you could be fairly straight forward here.
"I'm coming to Portland next week. Do you want to get a drink?"
or
"I'll be in town next week and I have a hotel room. What do you think? Consider it! Just saying..."
or
"You are so hot, i can't believe i go to have sex with you when i was in town last time." (and see how he responds)
or
"It sure was fun doing it with you when i was in town last time." (and see how he responds)


If he's engaged or something he'll tell you so, and you can plan accordingly.

Good luck. I'm sure he'll want to bone you again, even if he does have a girlfriend.
Just kidding, i think home-wrecking is anti-feminist.
But yeah, he'll probably want to do it with you again.
And feel free to put something more appropriate or adult than "Doing It" in your texts if you think that's a dumb way of saying "Intercourse".




Please wrap your giant brain around this problem.

I have always been the type of person who keeps strong boundaries between lovers and friends, so as not to get pulled in to the lesbian dating trap, until I broke up with my Long-term girlfriend. After the hideous bar crawling that required long dark nights of the soul, I accidentally ended up in 'romantic therapy' with a good friend of mine. It was fine and lovely for the first couple of months, but now I feel my feelings waning. What is the best way to deal with this situation, hopefully not hurting my friend (whom I bloody love), make my other friends mad (they all love her too), or generally ruin my life.

Thanks for yr time,

Lost in London XX

Dear London,

I can't remember the exact situation, but i know that i have sent somebody a text message saying this:

"I'm so glad to have you in my life, but I think our romantic ship has sailed."

and it seemed to work out okay.

If you need to be more specific, I'd say
"I'm going through a hard time right now processing my break up and everything, so I think that we have to cool it sex-wise. I really like having you around, but I'm going to need a couple of weeks to get my head on straight before we jump back into our day to day friendship. I hope you understand. "
You could also give her some flowers to express "no hard feelings".


The bravest thing you can do in this situation is to be honest with your friend (while considering her feelings).


Dear Nicole-

Hi!

I like reading your column, thank you for doing it! I have a question that is a total downer and awful and actually pretty resolved but I feel crazy that so few people talk about this and it is hard to balance my sense of animal rights with my desire for life to be a little more natural with love. And I feel like these are all things you feel pretty strongly about and am certain that you would be a great help.

I have lived with a very dear rabbit for seven years now, he is nine years old and one of my oldest and absolutely my truest friend. Recently he was struck by a parasite called E cuniculi which most rabbits are exposed to during their lifetimes but only 1 in 10 are affected by. Anyway, it's affected his nervous system in a way that he tilts his head all the way to the right, like he has water in his ear that he's trying to drain or he's trying to get a real good look at the ground. For the first couple of weeks he had a terrible time getting around, stumbling and falling every few steps. It was heartbreaking to watch and a onetime energetic rabbit was spending hours curled up on the floor. I took him to the vet immediately where after a series of xrays and bloodtests determined that he was infected with E cuniculi, and they prescribed five different medicines for him. They also charged me $1200, which is a lot of money for me. At the end of the cycle of
medicine, he seemed more active, happier, and healthier, but he still holds his head with the tilt. The vet has offered to see him again and suggested a CAT scan, but also said that many rabbits keep their tilt after being cured from the parasite. He still gets off balance every once in awhile but I feel like he's adjusted to the tilt and worry that the trauma of another vet visit with no guarantee of a change isn't worth it. I also have no idea how to come up with $2000 for the CAT scan. I'm also very aware that at 9 years old he has reached the expected life span of a rabbit. Of course I would like him to live forever, but I am more concerned that he's happy during his life. What are the ethics of pets and medicine? It kills me that I can't just ask him what he'd like to do.

Nicole I'm sorry to go on for so long. Thanks for your attention.



Dear Rabbit Lover,

Honestly, I wouldn't get the CAT scan if i were you. He's more active, happier and healthier, and he's come to accept his new tilt.
His career as an animal actor is probably over at this point, but it sounds like his quality of life is as good as can be expected considering the circumstances.
He is so lucky to have you.
It's time to let him relax and live out the rest of his days at a tilt as long as he is comfortable.

Now i just want to throw some general pet advice out there for my reader friends:

The first thing to remember is that your pet is counting on your, one hundred percent, to take care of their health.
They have been domesticated and put into our hands. It's a big responsibility!

Questions to ask yourself when dealing with a pet medical situation:

- Would you do the procedure if money wasn't an issue?

- Would you do the procedure if it was for a human?

After answering these questions, you need to equate in the animal aspects. Those being:

How close is my animal to their life expectancy? Will this improve their quality of life? Is the procedure worth the discomfort it will bring on my animal?
If you've done all you can , sometimes you're just postponing the inevitable by chalking up more and more vet time.


Last summer my 13 year old dachshund Lambchop died very quickly, and I was devastated.
That weekend while he was sick i was making mental plans to sell my car, thinking of who i could beg money off of, phone sex, anything for the money to fix him once we found out what the problem was.
What i realized in all of this was that, though he hadn't spoken up, Lambchop had a sense that he was dying a lot longer than I did.
So while i was running around traumatized and trying to solve his medical issues at the last minute,
he was quiet and calm, resolved and had accepted what was happening.
It was me that couldn't accept it.

I'm not trying to imply that you should throw up your hands and take a "That's God's Will" stance on pet care,
but that you need to stop and think about the big picture and your animal's life versus your own wishes in the situation.