Dear Nicole,
A little over two years ago I dated a woman whom i fell very much in love with. I told her this after 7 months of dating, and she did not return the sentiment (but i didn't need her to right then). 3 weeks later she went out of town, and upon her return, told me that she couldn't be in "a couple", and to give her some time to think. After a month of waiting passed (in which I felt like i was dying), I felt I had to break up with her. I never cried so much in my life.
We didn't see each other for a few months, during which time I started dating someone else, whom I broke up with after 6 months , telling her I was still in love with my ex. That night i went over to my aforementioned ex girlfriend's house and slept in her bed. We didn't do anything, but it felt like a really strong painkiller.
She told me that she was going to therapy and was going through her childhood (which was really traumatic and involved abandonment issues, having to act as a parent after her dad ditched, and her sister being molested) , and felt like she was making progress. I asked her if she ever thought we'd date again. She said she didn't know.
It has been a year and a half and throughout all the flings and attempts at romance with other people, I have never been able to get her out of my head.
So... you are now like... what the fuck is this guy's question?
1. How can I let her go on with her life, but at the same time let her know I'm always here for her without seeming too pathetic?
2. I got invited to her sister's wedding.
At the wedding how should I act? Should I not tell her again that I love her?
3. The gift for her sister is going to be something I made... and it will be something that will be really great, and will most likely be on her sisters wall for the rest of her life. Is that manipulative that I just want her, when she goes to her sisters house to have a reminder I exist?
4. If I do well in my own life for the reason of staying in her consciousness is that fucked up? I think I would do what I'm doing regardless... but in my head it's a bonus that I will haunt her. Haunt her in a good way. On a global scale it's hard to impress people anymore. You have to always think big...
Don't be TOO hard on me...But do not hold back. I need some advice.
Thanks.
Lovestruck in Long Island
Dear Lovestruck,
1. You can tell her ONE, and only one more time, in no uncertain terms: So and So, I am still in love with you. If you ever want to give it another shot, please come and find me.
Then wipe your hands , wipe your nose and your eyes of her and be free.
You, my friend, need some serious therapy.
You need to know that if she wanted to be with you, she would.
Whether or not she had a fucked up childhood, whether or not you're the sweetest guy in the world, she knows you're there and is not currently choosing you.
You've got to accept it.
As much as you love this woman, the truth of the matter is that your soul mate*, the person you're actually supposed to be with, wouldn't treat you this way. They would CHOOSE YOU. There wouldn't be all this yearning and longing and feeling so torn and confused and sad.
The longer you dwell on this lady, the further away you are from achieving your future greatness.
So get it together, friend.
Call up a therapist, sit on their couch, and give them a chance to weigh in.
What's the worst that could happen from that? You get some kernels of wisdom and build your self esteem up SEPARATE from her and the things she is into.
okay.
2. Be chill at the wedding. Bring a friend as a date who can snap you out of it when your eyes well up with tears and you get on bended knee to ask the ex for another chance. Do NOT bring drama to someone else's day by telling this girl you love her again. If you're going to tell her at all, do it via email after the wedding. Or in a letter.
3. It is manipulative for you to want to haunt her. Yes.
Honestly, i think you should get them some bed sheets, a toaster, and be done with it.
DON'T INVEST ALL YOUR ENERGY IN THESE PEOPLE ANY MORE.
4. It is fucked up to want to do good things just to stay in her consciousness, BUT if it's making you do good things, by all means, keep doing them.
You are obviously a very kind and loving person.
I promise you will find someone out there who deserves and WANTS what you have to offer.
Take care.
*Note: Each person may or may not have a dozen different soul mates, OKAY, but you get what I'm saying. The best you can do is NOT someone who is uncertain about you. If the relationship is right, it's right. If it's not, then move on. The best advice I ever heard from my friend ERF was
"Anything other than 'Yes' means 'No'."
Trip on that.
Dear Nicole,
How come it's ok for dudes to have long hair but it's not okay for them to have long hair with bangs?
Quizzical in Quebec
Dear Quebec,
Think of the Ramones, for goodness sakes! Hotter punkers I cannot imagine.
Other than that , though, no way.
I have no idea why.
But you know what, anything could happen. Dudes in Portland are walking around with beards like Father Time right now, and are wearing clothes so distressed, they may as well be wearing a barrel with suspenders. And that's the cool guys!
So,
cross your fingers if you're a fan of bangs.
They're probably right around the corner.
Dear Nicole,
I am not America’s Smartest Girl. In fact, I’m not even in the top five! I am, however, pretty good at broadcasting my deficient smarts/morality/adult priorities across the Internet via blog.
Things with my blog are going swimmingly.
The thing is, Nicole ,
I’m afraid my blog has given people the wrong impression of my true character.
Unaware readers may think that I'm a herpied womanizer who keeps hairnets on my bedside table because I don’t want anyone’s DNA on my pillowcase even though I’m perfectly willing to have it in my mouth. And the thing is, I don’t even have herpes!
Or one might get the impression that I menstruate because I wrote an incredibly long and detailed blog about bleeding on the mattress that my ex-girlfriend and I might have borrowed from our friend Mary Ann, when everyone knows gays don’t menstruate!
And I wouldn’t really care,
but I’m currently in the market for a Real Live Girlfriend
and I’m afraid my blog will scare any potential lifers away.
And, yes, I could neglect to tell Imaginary Future Life Partner about my blog, but I want her to know that all this finger-tapping I’m doing while she folds laundry isn’t poetry or some shit.
See my problem? How do I continue the blog but convince people it’s all just a persona?
Love,
Over-Sharer in Carrboro
Dear Over-Sharer,
I'm really confused as to why you don't menstruate. You either weren't born with ovaries, are a gymnast/ballerina, or post-menopausal. True?
Anyway,
none of that matters, because i'd give you the same advice whether you were a bleeder or not.
I would keep the blog to yourself until you have someone roped in to really really liking you. You can tell them that you're a student (which you are), and a writer (also true).
After , say, three dates, you can tell them that you are a blogger on the side, and then introduce the Pathological Liar "Character" to them.
Whoa ho, isn't it funny? Regale them with your mail and let them know that you have a great sense of humor and are just trying to have a good time like anybody else!
If they don't approve of your blog, you could scream:
"Having Fun Isn't a Crime!!!!" ( then beat the table for emphasis.) "I don't like being treated like a CRIMINAL!!!!" before storming out of whatever office/restaurant you've broken the news at.
Or not. I just thought that would be a funny scene.
ANYWAY,
I want to note that Tracy Egan from Jezebel had a blog called "One D At A Time" , in which she talked about sleeping with many many dudes. Tracy met the man of her dreams and realized that if his mother found this blog she'd be mortified. She had gotten all she could out of writing out her sexcapades and so put it to bed, even changing her name on Jezebel from SLUT MACHINE to her given title.
on a different note,
Lisa Crystal Carver not only stayed as raunchy as ever once she married, but she got a column on noted sex website Nerve.com and went to town documenting her sex life and that of her husband, Dave (until he asked her to stop mentioning him, ahem ).
Before moving on, consider this question:
Is the short term benefit (comments from strangers, minor internet fame) enough to merit the potential consequences of your blogging?
ANYONE can find this blog. Not just dates (who will probably have a sense of humor about it), but employers, the parents of the kids you will want to babysit in the future, the parents of your dates, etc.
My advice? Get a fake name. It's never too late.
(Unless you're me)
p.s. If you want to date a lesbian, I'd be more careful about throwing around disparaging remarks regarding poetry.
Hello Nicole,
I broke up with my boyfriend of 4ish years a few months ago. We had been living together for much of that time. As far as breakups go, it was not too bad, it was fairly mutual and we both really want to stay friends.
Until recently, we have been getting along fine, we hang out and see each other a lot and share the same group of friends. People have commented on how well we get along for exes.
However, lately he has started seeing other people. I really want to be mature about this, but whenever I hear anything about him dating, I get all hot and feel crazy angry jealousy coming on.
I really don't want to feel this way,
a) because it's very painful,
b) because I have zero interest in getting back together, and
c) I feel uncomfortable feeling jealousy/temporary hatred towards other girls over a boy.
I end up doing stupid crap like myspace stalking him and his dates, or being mean and immature towards him and inevitably feel like I want to puke and cry and then puke some more.
I thought about not seeing him for awhile, but this is difficult because we have all the same friends and frequent the same places.
In my ideal world I can just stop feeling this way and me and him and all his stupid dates can be a big happy stupid family. Do you have any advice on how to get over this kind of jealousy?
I also tend to have jealousy issues when I'm in a relationship. It is lame.
Thanks for any help you can give.
Signed, Jealous in Johnson County
Dear Jealous,
Okay. You need to make some space from him. Let him know that you are stoked to be on friendly terms, but that you need some time to mellow out about the situation.
Here's the deal: You're the one with the problem. You're the one who's uncomfortable, and so YOU need to make the changes necessary to live a comfortable and not woe-begotten life.
SO. Take the road of less drama.
As much as you will hate to miss the best parties and shows,DON'T GO if you know he's going to be there.
If there's something you really really really want to do , consider calmly asking him if he can give you the space to go there and not see him. If he says no, don't worry about it, just stay home and jerk off or make long distance phone calls .
You can keep your same friends, but do things with them separately.
Take Charge!
Have a clothing exchange party, a potluck, a movie night. INVITE THEM OVER TO WATCH TOP MODEL.
Make everybody dinner (i shouldn't have to say this, but DON'T INVITE YOUR EX ) and practice using ESP on each other.
Reach out to your closest few friends and tell them that you really need their support right now, that you're feeling a little nuts about your ex, and that you need opportunities to hang out with them without him.
You're not boarding a train of hatred for him or his dates, he's not doing anything wrong, you're just carving out a new life for yourself that is not so slogged down with the past.
Good luck.
P.s. As quoted from 90210: The best cure for a breakup is a Hookup. Consider.
Dear Smartest Girl in the U.S. of A.,
I am looking for a fake ID. I recently moved to a larger city where most of the nightlife is 21+ only. Not that I don't enjoy what is offered to all ages crowds, but sometimes it feels just terrible to be stuck at home when my favorite band is playing down the street- age and a bouncer being the only barrier. Any tips? Thanks!
-Young-un
Dear Young-un,
I feel your pain. When i moved to Portland i was 19. I started dating someone older than myself, and was beyond embarrassed as I was escorted out of food establishments and theater pubs in front of my date and their friends for being underage.
I would have liked to enjoy a taco at ten p.m., or a movie for three dollars.
HOWEVER ,
I had no fake I.D.
Wait, I had a really awful fake I.D. when i was a teenager in Kansas.
I used it to get into The Bottleneck to see Possum Dixon when i was 17 (you had to be 18), HOWEVER, when i tried the following week to see Sleater Kinney and Built To Spill at the same venue, my i.d. was taken and i was stranded , as my of-age friends were already inside and were my ride home (45 minutes away). I sat with other woe-begotten teenagers at the back door behind the stage, cursing the doorman and not seeing the band, but seeing the audience and they mouthed "This is the best show EVER!" and danced their aged faces off.
Here's what i'm saying:
We've all been through it.
and
I can't advocate using a fake I.D.
I work with kids, for goodness sakes, and fake I.D.s are illegal.
Maybe the years that separate you from 21 will fill you with enough rage at the injustice of it that you will take up the torch for all ages shows even when you are allowed to become a bar fly yourself, and you will open the most bitchin venue that your town has ever seen.
In the meantime, get into your local music scene and go to house shows. There are always amazing punkers playing downstairs or in the garage, you just have to find them.
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