Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Special Guest Michelle Tea on Potheaded Fathers
My "powerhouse" is truly smoked this week from doing too many pilates. So tired am I , that I am passing off this week's advice column to Special Guest Michelle Tea, author of The Chelsea Whistle, Valencia, and Rent Girl.
You can find Michelle and myself on the Sister Spit European Tour this September, or as she traverses the U.S. in October!
In the meantime, I'll try to do fewer "Seal Puppy" exercises next week, so that my brain will be functioning to answer your queries.
When I married my husband last year I was pregnant and he promised, promised, promised me that he would quite smoking weed once baby was born... He did manage to for a bit, but baby rearing is kind of stressful and the sobriety didn't stick. Whenever I mention that his smoking bugs me he gets very angry and yells and attacks my personal flaws (like that I leave dishes in the sink, don't take the trash out ever and generally do not keep the house clean enough). I sometimes try to avoid bringing things up b/c of this reaction, but baby is getting bigger and she loves daddy and wants to do/say/act just like him and this really concerns me b/c there is a strong family history of substance abuse on his side of the family. Do you have any ideas on how to proceed, when hubby doesn't want to spend any $$ on Marriage Counseling?
Dear Sober Wifey,
There is a twelve-step program for people whose partners won't go to a
twleve-step program. It's called Al-Anon. Check it out! It's
recommended that people go to like six different al-anon meetings in a
close time span, because different meetings have different vibes so you
should observe out a few before you make any conclusions. Like, some
al-anon meetings recite the serenity plan everytime someone sneezes,
and have very tight, controlled, humorless vibes. Maybe you won't like
that one. Others have super wise, deep and helpful vibes, and some have
vibes (those ones tend to have lots of members who are also alcoholics
and/or gay men). Basically, you go to al-anon and get a waaaaaaaaay
better practical understanding of how to deal with the fact that you
can't control your husband's pot smoking and nothing you can do or say
will ever make him stop, because he's an addict, and addicts only get
sober on their own time, if they ever get sober at all. Basically,
addicts HATE when you sort of point out that oh maybe they are um
addicts, and pot addicts are among the worst because so many people are
in denial about the fact that pot is a drug and potheads are drug
addicts and that it has an affect on the quality of their lives and the
lives of the people close to them. But your happiness doesn't need to
l tied up in his bong! Sit in on some al-anon meetings, raise your
hand as a newcomer, try not to barf in your mouth when everyone holds
hands and says the Unity Prayer, and really just listen to what
everyone talks about. If you hear things that make sense — and I am
pretty sure you will — hone in on someone who seems especially
excellent, like they have a handle on life and speak about it in a
style you can relate to, and ask them to be your sponsor! That's when
shit gets wicked fun. Truly. Al-anon and twelve step programs in
general are magical little cauldrons of good vibes and positive
intention where individuals learn about their patterns and how to take
responsibility for their own happiness. Very great things happen. Good
luck! It will be so awesome for your kid to be raised by a mom in
Though damaging as a drug-addled father may be, in this case (as he is a Good Dad) it seems to me less damaging than a divorce on the psyche of your young child. Listen to Michelle, for she is good and wise.
I have been making lots of stuffed animals lately, which you can find in my Etsy shop. All creatures are handmade at home whilst listening to the radio or watching The Amazing Race.