America's Smartest Girl

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portland, oregon
America's Smartest Girl, Nicole Georges, channels her powers for good as she drums up answers to the world's most complicated questions.

Romance, Career, Health, Pets, Finance. Send questions to Nicole via twitter (@nicolejgeorges) or addressed to her via No suicidal inquiries. Please limit all questions to 150 words or less.


Friday, July 25, 2008

Questions from the Vaults

Dear Nicole,
I just got out of a long term relationship. In addition to being sad, I've become anxious about living alone, and I'm having a really hard time sleeping without another person in the bed with me. I haven't done it for such a long time. I get anxiety attacks and can't fall asleep like i used to. So far i've been staying up late on the internet until i get drowsy. any tips?
-Heartbroken in Humboldt

Dear Heartbroken,
My number one tip for feelings of safety, security against not only strangers but also ghosts is to Get A Dog.
A dog will spoon you, sense spirits, and bark at prowlers.

#2. Never watch scary movies.
If you are just getting reacquainted with sleeping or living alone, I say cut out any and all horror films until such a point when you are either mentally unstoppable or you have a new partner or bunk mate.

#3. Never watch The News.
This is the same as watching a scary movie. Unnecessary vibes of scariness coming to you, probably after dark, as you sit in your newly empty house. No Thanks.

In addition to these three tips,
I would like to offer you my personal sleeping regimen.
This is the Nicole Georges deluxe routine for a good night's sleep. Deluxe just for you, HIH.

1. Run a bath. While it's running, do some jumping jacks and sit ups. Don't fuss, just do it.
2. Take a long bath while listening to Loveline or a book on tape.
3. Get in bed and watch one late night show, preferable Sex & The City or King of the Hill.
4. Switch off the t.v. and pick up a book. Read one to four chapters.
5. Masturbate using a high powered vibrator. A couple of times if you'd like.
6. After you're done, invite your dog onto the bed, turn off the lights, and go to sleep.

Though my friend Karat claims that all her sleep books advise AGAINST watching t.v. in bed, i dare them not to fall asleep using my routine. I offer an open invitation to the authors of said sleep books- come over. We'll take a hot bath together, watch some Sex & The City, then spoon up to the dogs as we descend into the most restful night's sleep they've ever imagined.


Rachel said...

What if you have a dog that growls at vibrators?

Ask Nicole said...

My dogs aren't allowed on the bed or near the bed when i'm vibrating. In order to instill fear in their hearts, i touch them with the vibrator if they're too slow to jump off the bed, and the noise plus feeling freaks them out immensely. Thus, keeping them away. you might have to lock your dog out of your room while you're doing it.

lacy davis said...

nicole im going to post this column above my bed. its so appropriate for me!