America's Smartest Girl

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portland, oregon
America's Smartest Girl, Nicole Georges, channels her powers for good as she drums up answers to the world's most complicated questions.

Romance, Career, Health, Pets, Finance. Send questions to Nicole via twitter (@nicolejgeorges) or addressed to her via No suicidal inquiries. Please limit all questions to 150 words or less.


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Cavemen and Nonmonogamy

Dear Nicole,
I have a tendency of creating complicated situations with women. I also am known for being a bit of a player and a total slutbag. However I think this stereotype is unfair.
Is it because I'm a woman and I just happen to not be socially retarded?

Depending on how sentimental I am feeling, I have been in/out of love with many.
Currently I am dating a girl long distance non-monogamously and I am completely head over heels in smitten with her.
However, recently I met someone here. I've been sleeping with this other girl in Portland. I'm not sure whether I did this to distract myself from my aching heart or if I genuinely want to date this person. It's hard to spend a lot of time with someone and not get attached. Portland girlie knows about my long distance sweetheart and says she will stay out of our way when my sweetie comes to visit in October. I know it might be wrong to do this to Portland girl, so should I quit being an asshole and tell her we should just remain friends to avoid any future heartbreak? And what of my long distance sweetie? Should I take a break from girls altogether?


promiscuity city

Oh non monogamy, how i loathe the web you weave.

Hi Promiscuity City.

Let's talk.
That reputation of yours didn't happen on it's own, and it didn't happen overnight. Tis no stereotype based on the fact that you can talk to a crowd. Lots of people have social finesse and not all of them are called Players or "Slutbags". If i put my psychic glasses on , I'll bet that you got this reputation by "creating complicated situations", i.e. drama, and not being clear with people (i.e. telling many people that you're in love with them!).

The only thing worse than a Player is a Player with no mirror.
"Why would people call me that? I'm just following my heart!"
Your heart isn't the only one beating in the room!
There's got to be some consideration for the people you're dragging in there with you.

The good news is,

Today is the first day of the rest of your life!
We are going to discuss your options as a new, responsible (yet still Socially Adept) individual!

There are two routes you could take here, Promiscuity City, and if you play your cards right, your hands will technically be clean by the end of all this.
Don't make it weird!

1. You can keep seeing Portland Girl.
(high drama route)

2. You can break up with Portland Girl.
(low drama route)

On one hand, she's in charge of herself and as long as you're clear (one thousand percent clear) and not feeding her lines of garbage about the depth of your relationship (ahem) , then you are allowed to say "I told you so" if she gets her feelings hurt by girl afar. You're getting away on a technicality.

Don't lead her into thinking she could usurp Girl Afar as your primary if that is not the case. This means no sighing heavily while staring into her eyes, moaning about how torn you are and how confusing this all is!

HOWEVER, On the other hand....
This is your new , low-drama life, and it requires some introspection.
It would be be not only kinder, but also the route of least drama and despair if you cut the cord now. She's not your soul mate, you probably wouldn't be dating her if the Girl from Afar lived here, so it would be kinder of you to let her go and find someone else who will think the world of her.
If you can psychically see that the result of this relationship will be a heart break blood bath, then it is up to you to take the reigns (no matter what she says about it being okay) and grind this coach to a stop.

Then you come out with your hands clean, and you have some time alone here in Portland to consider how you got your reputation, all the while getting your attention needs met (sort of) by someone from afar.

(note: you might be saying "Nicole this is harsh. people can casually date, you know, without it being a 'blood bath' " and i say to you, true true! However, this person, Promiscuity City, seems like perhaps they are not adept at handling these situations with grace and tact, and thusly i advise them to take the side door and leave the party before it gets out of hand.)

Dear Nicole,
The next time my boyfriend's super-religious dad says women should be subordinate to men, should I throw a bowl of beans in his face? How would you handle this?

Leering in Los Angeles

Choose your battles wisely, Leering in Los Angeles.
This is not the one to fight. You're not going to change his mind, and you have a choice if you have to see him at all. If you can manage eating dinner with Dad from time to time, i would let his comments roll off with a simple:
"That's an interesting perspective. Hmm. " and/or a blank stare.
" Thanks for your opinion. "
Then you can silently seethe and curse me for putting you in this situation.

Though this will make you seethe in the moment, it is ultimately better than yelling at someone who's not listening to you and creating static between yourself and the family of your boyfriend.

If he gets to you too much, and you find your blood pressure is out of control every time you get home from family dinner,
then you have the choice to opt out of such dinners, and offer to only see Dad on important Holidays.
Your boyfriend can cover for you. "Oh, Leering is sick." or, "She couldn't make it".
All the while you're at home listening to relaxing music and cross stitching a Labris or Women's Symbol, sighing aloud and thinking "I'm so glad I'm not dining with a cave man right now!"

Dearest Nicole,

I'm a girl and have started to venture into the world of dating other chicks. At the end of the date, how do I know who pays for the meal? When I go out with guys, they always end up paying (at least on the first date). I went out with a new girl yesterday and it was a little awkward. I offered, but we decided to split. Should I always just offer to pay? Or does it depend on who asked the other person out? Ideas?

Anxious Dater

Dear Anxious Dater,

Let whoever wears the pants pay!

Just kidding.

Okay. I consulted some bonafied lesbians about this last night.
Aubree advised:
"If they don't offer to pay within the first minute of the check being there, then be prepared to split the bill."
true, true.
If someone is planning on paying for a date , then they are waiting for the check and want to get to it before you. Oh, chivalry!

Always be prepared to split the bill. Bring money. Pull out your wallet when the check comes, even if the other person pulled theirs out first.

Common courtesy says, if they buy dinner one night, you should pay (or attempt to pay) the next time.
Don't take anything for granted.

And if they pay for dinner, you'd better be ready to put out.
Especially if you had something expensive.

.... Kidding! Just Kidding!

Dear Nicole:

I've been with the same young man for a couple years. There is one
problem-- he has never given me a gift of any kind. No birthday gift,
no anniversary gift, no Yom Hashoah gift. No gifts at all, aside from
the occasional surprise carton of soy delicious. He knows I would
LIKE gifts, and doesn't ever make me feel petty for wanting them. He
has some weird extreme specific phobia/anxiety about giving gifts. My
psychologist tells me I am ascribing way too much importance to these
absent gifts, and my friends say gifts are important and that I should
dump him for this.

I would like to know your professional opinion on the subject of gifts
in romantic relationships.

Yours truly,

Dear Giftless,

I like gifts.
I like getting gifts, and more importantly, i like GIVING gifts!
How else to express your deep feelings for your boyfriend than to make him a present? Words are overrated.
ack, what a joyless life i would have with only rations of ice cream as a substitute for a handmade stuffed animal or lovingly crafted cell phone plan?
Personally, I , NJG, would be bummed if i had to devote my life to a giftless marriage.
But we're talking about you, Giftless.

Well, how important are gifts to you?
Does he have other attributes that make up for his gift anxiety?
The Gift of companionship?
The Gift of kindness?
The Gift of handsomeness?

Is he a one of a kind that you would feel completely stupid for breaking up with based on this, or is it indicative of greater problems or inflexibility in the relationship?
Like, if you had kids would he not give them presents?
If he decided he was Hug-o-phobic would you then have to go without hugs?

Maybe to you gifts are a way to show love, and if you are not receiving gifts, then it feels like you are not receiving love. Everyone has these things. For some people it's cooking as a way to show love, for some it is physical affection. Express how much you like his other qualities (The aforementioned gifts of companionship, kindness and handsomeness) but that this is as sensitive an issue to you as it is to him, and it hurts your feelings!
If you're not getting the thing that you need to feel loved, then you need to sit down and hammer out if there's something else that he can do to replace that warm feeling, or if he can compromise?

Maybe he can go to a psychiatrist and have some immersion therapy where he gets sent to the North Pole and has to hear from Santa's elves the joys of giving, all the while hammering together old fashioned wooden toys for every boy and girl in the world.

Everyone sacrifices for love some times.
It's not like you're asking him to send you pieces of his own body for Valentines day, you just want a present.

Love, Nicole

p.s. In the case that you are Jewish, the North Pole seems like a weird place to send him, but i can't think of another place where joyful creatures create gifts all day. I apologize.

Dear Nicole,

What do you do when you get in a rut or get depressed about artwork, etc?


- Too Many Projects at Once

Dear Too Many Projects at Once,

I stop calling my friends back and work twelve hour days until it's all done.
Then i go and party for a couple of days, after which i lock myself in my house again.


p.s. also you could go through your archive of things you've accomplished and try to inspire yourself and remember that you do good work and that it is worthwhile and that you've come really far!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Mild Vegan Rage, Elderly Advice, and Taking Your Hips To A Man Who Cares

Dear Nicole,
As a strict vegan and animals rights activist, how do you reconcile dating meat-eaters?
Do you find it acceptable to request your partner not eat meat in your presence?
Also, how do you cope with individuals who feel it is appropriate to insult your veganism?

Lastly, do you take vitamins and/or supplements? If not, do you use fortified products?


You Are What You Eat

Dear You Are What You Eat,

Okay. This is an interesting question.

Once , when i was 19, i dated a meat eater and he borrowed five dollars from me, which he promptly used to buy himself a chicken burrito which he then scarfed right next to me in his pickup truck.
No thanks! This was the inspiration for a rule I created called "I will not pay for meat".
This rule has only ever been contested or created weirdness when buying food for children who are used to eating meat and i'm not trying to harsh their mellow, but I have to tell them I can't pay for it.

But that wasn't your question!

1. For casual circumstances: as long as they don't eat it around you it's probably okay.

2. For forever purposes (like someone you want to be in an ltr with):
As for you-
they probably need to be at least a vegetarian so that you know you have core values in common.
Because veganism is a really big value. It's a thing.
It's not like, "I have an eyebrow piercing and you don't."
it's like
"I believe that torturing animals in order to have pizza is wrong, and you either think that's okay, or can willingly blind yourself to pain and wrong-doing for the sake of convenience. "

Note: If you find that you cannot hang out intensely with a meat eater without judging them, then of course that negates advice #1 (re: casual).

I have never, ever dated somebody who was vegan when we met.
In general, people I've dated who haven't been vegetarian have faked it really well around me.
I find this to be common courtesy across the board.

I want to note, that In this day and age of apathetic queers who eat meat as a way to rebel against their own former selves and feel wild & carefree
("Look at me! I'm enjoying the same lunchtime pleasures as George Bush, and all sorts of other conservative square misogynists! Wahoo! Let's rally around the corpse, then rip it apart and share it amongst ourselves! Yum! Who needs Ethics when you have Barbeque Sauce!?!? ")
It might be necessary to mention
"Hey, if you eat a cheeseburger around me every day it might make me uncomfortable."
And that would be fine.

It's not going to bring me to tears to see somebody eat a chicken strip, I have friends who do this and it's no big deal. BUT if i have a choice in the matter, and it's someone I might have to eat with every day several times a day, then yeah, asking is appropriate.

This is a good time for you to be the ambassador to veganism.
Make them delicious dinners, bring them cupcakes and cookies and things that are above and beyond their expectations about what vegans might eat.
Don't belly -ache about how HARD it is to be vegan, or whine about ingredients. That is not helpful to the cause, friend.
The easier you make it look, the better the chance other people will be willing to try it.
Or at least, the better the chance they'll stop acting like a-holes and stereotyping vegans as joyless, calcium deprived waifs.

As for people who insult your veganism? Fuck them.
A blank stare works. Or you could say,
"Why did you just say that to me?".
Or, just walk away.
"Hey, i'm sorry it makes you so uncomfortable, but you really don't need to judge me about this. I'm not pushing it on you, so i don't see why you're giving me a hard time."
"Why are you being a jerk? This is something I believe in."
"It doesn't make me want to hang out with you when you make fun of me. "
"If you want to sit down and talk about veganism some day, sure, let's do that. But you don't have to be a jerk about it. "

When i was in high school I wigged out on my boyfriend's uncle at Thanksgiving. He started in with vegan cracks and i let it roll off my back in a polite way, but he just couldn't stop himself. He kept on, and kept on, and finally, after asking me what i ate, what could i eat, dirt? i replied

"Yeah. I eat DIRT. I eat DIRT and ROCKS. That's what i eat. Seriously? What is the matter with you!?!?"

I don't know if this was the best strategy, but you're welcome to it.

Anyway, good luck.

And if you end up going on a date with someone who eats sardines, make them brush their teeth before they try and kiss you. Yech!

Oh, re: Vitamins. I don't take vitamins or supplements. I never have. I do buy enriched this and that (Rice Milk , Orange Juice, etc) and I do try to eat dark leafy greens every day and have lots of protein. I feel fine. I probably could eat supplements. I just don't.

Dear NG,
I am an incessant "dater". I have one-night stands too often for me to feel comfortable writing this. I very rarely get a second date. If I do I rush it, with info, sex, intensity, and then it just fizzles in the end. Do you have any advice on how to pace oneself while dating, to insure a long-lasting courtship that could possibly lead to something lovely? Or does this just not happen?

Rushin' Jew

Hi there Rushin' Jew.
1. I can't tell if you are dating men or women. I would like to tailor my answer. I am assuming that you are talking about men, only because it seems like a lesbian would get your name tattooed on her neck if you slept with her on the first date, whereas a man might run the other way. Why do they do that? I do not know.

2. I heard once: Everything you need to know about someone they'll tell you themselves within the first 20 minutes.
I think we can amend this to say They'll Tell You On the First Date.

So think : if you turn this around, what do you want them to know about you?

You don't want them to think you're a mess. If you're coming across this way, then maybe it's time to take a chill pill and see what's going on inside yourself before you invite a guest in there.

Don't give them too much information on the first date. Act coy, be somewhat secretive without it seeming sketchy.

This date is for you to suss out whether or not you are attracted to them, whether you can trust them AT ALL, and whether they're even worth your time!

You can find these things out without telling them that you've been institutionalized, or are still harboring feelings for you cousin whom you dated once.
TMI kills boners.

Ask lots of questions. This gives you information and makes the other person feel like you're interested in them.

Save the TMI for further dates down the road. Once you've snagged them, or have any reason at all to trust them with this information.

If you're just on a first date, you don't even know if they have the same relationship in mind as you (like , what if they're moving away in a month, and you're looking to get married) in which case, telling them about your case of IBS is not relevant.

Moral of #2: save trust for people who have earned it.

3. What did Einstein say? Insanity if someone who does the same thing over and over again, and is confused that the result is the same?

If you keep sleeping with dudes on a first date and they keep losing your number, then
A kiss goodnight is fine.
They'll either like you or they won't.
Your prudishness in the first couple of weeks is not going to detract someone who's head over heels for you. I Promise.

4. Treat yourself like a prize.
There's only one of you. You only get one life , (I think), so please consider yourself to be a shiny golden prize that only someone really excellent gets to have.

Really really really think: am i proud of myself for doing this? would my ideal self be doing this?

Tell yourself this if you have to before you leave the house, and other people will see it reflected.

5. Courtships and romance do happen. You just have to be smart about how you play your cards.

Dear Nicole,
I'm a big fan of your artwork, blog, and of course, Invincible Summer.

I live in Madison, and am a barista at a vegan baked goods and coffee
shop. As of right now, my life feels very bland. I cannot wait to
leave, but until next Spring I am stuck here, and will continue to
serve the caffeine needs of the neighborhood. When I leave, I hope to
end up somewhere where I can successfully add purpose to my life. My
problem is, I don't know what to do, or where to go! I'd really
like to get more involved in helping animals.
I want to do more than
just hand out pamphlets about factory farming and going vegan. I want
to help animals in a more realistic way. Ideally I would like to work
hands on with animals or at least see some of my effort paying off.

When I read your zine issues about when you're down at Farm Sanctuary,
I get envious because that's what I want to be doing, but I feel like
I could never do the hard labor that you do when you are down in
Orland. The reason for this is that I have endured five back
surgeries, therefore I try to stay away from too much physically
strenuous work. So my question is, what are some other ways I can
help animals? And additionally, where could I move so that these
dreams can be possible for me?

Young and confused 21 year old.

Dear Young and Confused,

Whoa. That's a big question.
Before moving anywhere, why don't you sign yourself up for an internship and see where that takes you?

PETA and Farm Sanctuary always have internships, and if you can't find something suitable for your physical and mental needs with either of those organizations, I'm sure that someone at PETA would be happy to suggest other animal rights organizations in need of intern help.

In general, working with farm animals requires physical labor. Because they're big!
If i were you I would try to get a job giving tours or working in the education department of a farm sanctuary type organization (like Animal Acres).
You do a lot of walking and talking without having to shovel great loads of dirty straw, or having to lift giant haybales.

As for me, I found Portland on a fluke, and luckily i am in love with it.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but I think that when you find the right place for yourself, you'll feel it!
In your healthy, calcium-rich vegan bones!

p.s. Madison? Isn't that Dairyland? Is there something you could do around there, like take people on the fence about veganism on tours of a farmer's college or dairy farm? I'll bet you could. Totally legal, totally educational and life changing.

Dearest Nicole,

I love music more than the average duck, but lately I've had a drought. I can't figure out what to listen to in my library of 12,000 or so. It all sounds the same to me. How do I get into new music? I go to all the shows, I trade mix tapes with all my friends, but my realm must be pushed further!

The Littlest Prince.

Dear Littlest Prince,

Listen to my band, the Sour Grapes.


p.s. if you have 12,000 then it sounds like you're in a slump, not a drought.
Have you tried rekindling your relationship with the classics? The other day I heard a Minor Threat song and it blew my mind. I hadn't listened to them in probably 5 years and it was like I'd just discovered an exciting new band!

p.p.s. I have fairly un-remarkable music taste, and since you have 12,000 albums, you probably already have all of these things, but here are my September 2008 recommendations:

Jefferson Airplane
Judas Priest
Tilly and the Wall
The Lovers
Swan Island
The Grease Soundtrack
The Jackson 5
Hope and Despair : The Langley Schools Music Project
The Transfused Soundtrack by Nomy Lamm & The Need
The Slits
PJ Harvey (that really old one that has the "Gonna take my hips to a man who cares" song)
The New Bloods
Beyonce: B Day
Trina: Diamond Princess
The Smiths
Propagandhi: Less Talk, More Rock
Michael Jackson: Thriller
Carole King
The Annie Soundtrack
Regina Spektor


Oh yeah, here's my advice: Go get a bunch of records out of the dollar bin at the record store! That's where I got all my favorite things!

Dear America's Smartest Girl,

I have the misfortune of having a friend I do not want. I picked up
this friend a couple of years back. At first I liked this person, so
I invited her to my house. I soon realized this was a grave error.
Since I cannot step back in time, I turn to you Smartest Girl, for help.

This friend I have acquired does not seem to pick up on subtle clues.
For example, I usually only reply to every 3rd email because I feel
that ignoring all of them might be too harsh. When responding to
emails, I tend to keep them short, avoid invitations to get together
and talk about how very very busy I am. Yet the invitations keep coming.

I do not enjoy eating out with this individual. She complains
throughout the meal and has unrealistic expectations of low class

This individual makes choices that I do not approve of. She lives a
lifestyle that is different from mine and I don't care for it.

If my relationship with this person could remain strictly via email,
all would be well, but this friend does not seem to be satisfied with
such a relationship.

Also, I am not interested in a direct confrontation with this person.
I would like to convey the message without having to say, "you're
annoying, please leave me alone forever" .

Please help America's Smartest Girl. I would genuinely love the input
of your wise senior citizen friends as well. They seem to know what's
going on.

Disgruntled in Peoria

Dear Disgruntled,

I took your question to Portland's elderly streets, and here's what I found:

Mavis: I don't know, I don't have any friends.
Say, "I'm not in the market for a new friend right now." Tell them not to bother you anymore.

Estelle: Come right out and tell her she's a.... how do you politely say that?
... Tell somebody you're just not interested in their company?

She SHOULD get the hint, but some people, It just doesn't click.
Say, "I'm just so busy and when I want to see you I'll give you a call."

Mavis: Or never call at all.
Well, tell her you don't need a close relationship right now with someone else.
"Sorry, I can't do this and that's it."

Nicole Georges:
I like Estelle's advice the best, Disgruntled.
Express that you're busy right now, and maybe even reveal that you're not sure if you have time for new friends,
as you barely have time for your old tried and true friends.
I mean, this is *kind of* true.
...It's polite, at least.
You can or can not offer to call her if something changes, depending on how wimpy you're feeling when you tell her this.

Good luck!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

"There are so much to talk about"

I couldn't wait until Tuesday to show you this video! By Winner.
Thank you to the waffle cart, tri met, and Wishbone.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

...Like a Doorknob

Good Morning, Starshine.
The earth says hello!
Blibby blop blooby, nibby nobby nooby, la la la la la.

Hi everyone.
I've made a friend. Her name is Winner.
Winner has created a video entry, or "webisode" of the advice column, which will premiere next week.
Not only that, but we also aspire to put up podcasts with on-the-spot answers to your deepest questions (i.e. "should i tell my friend to brush her teeth?").
Please keep your questions coming and stay tuned!

Dear Nicole,

Should i continue to date this girl that everyone says is a slut and she proclaims her prudeness? I can't tell who is lying.

Queer in a Quandary

Dear Q in a Q,

First of all:
If people are calling her a slut, that sounds like some misogynist behavior there, as i have never ever ever heard of a butch lesbian being called a slut, therefore proving the old slut/stud double standard can cross right into queer territory and be fed by gossipy dykes.

Is she a slut, or is she a player? There is nothing inherently wrong with being a slut.
I don't' know where you live, but in Portland it's not so hard to find someone your friends have made it with.
It's a small territory, we're only human. Etc.

This leads me to a Portland Truism, once said by Josie:

"In Portland you don't lose your girlfriend, you just lose your turn. "


(if you blend that with a popular Yo Mama Joke, you get: "A Portland Lesbian is like a doorknob- everybody gets a turn!")

If she's a player, then that's a problem. Often, players try to hide their game by acting demure or like
"oh, yeah i have no game I'm totally a prude",
which lures people in more effectively than if they said
"yeah, basically i have tight game and I'll have you naked by the end of this song." !

So. If i were you I'd be even MORE cautious of someone proclaiming their prude-dom, because as you have seen even in last week's column, that is a sure fire tactic for getting laid and making yourself seem more wholesome than you are.

The nerdiest, most fucked up looking people I know would make Jay-Z's jaw drop with their sluttiness and playerdom (because people find them to be non-threatening and they use that fucking "I Have No Game" line). Consider.

Good luck. Avoid the clap. Etc.

Love, Nicole

Dear Nicole,
I understand that opposites can attract, but can a serious stoner and
a devoted boozer ever really make it work?



Dear Only 24,

You could definitely make it work because neither of you are in touch with reality, and so you'll stay emotional adolescents for a really really long time, and that could be fun. Is that what you want to do?
I mean, i guess it's better than inflicting your addiction on an otherwise clean person, right?

not trying to be harsh it just sounds like i am,

Dear Nicole,
How do i tell my friend her girlfriend is annoying and i don't want to be friends with her if they date?
-Irritated in Iowa

Dear person,

These days, I truly appreciate having my friends and my dates mostly separate. This relieves you from the friend split once you divorce, and also gives you space to talk about the person you're dating with the people who know you best.
Not that you were asking, but i wanted to throw that out there.
Also, I get sort of bugged out when i have friends who subject me to their dates all the time. It's sort of like roommates. I live alone , and when i go to a friend's (communal) house to hang out, I'm not there for a party, and so I don't want to have to perform for their many roommates. I'll do it, but it's not my preference. I feel the same way about having to hang out with friend's new dates. It's sort of awkward, this person is sometimes temporary, and of course your friend is acting different b/c they're on their best behavior or are nervous OR (if you're super super lucky) , they're having relationship problems and can bring that tension along with them. Cool.

Here's what you say to your friend:
" I appreciate your friendship, but it's hard for me when you try to make me hang out with your dates. I'm not interested in the people you're dating, I'm interested in you. I like hanging out with you one on one, it makes me feel more relaxed and like we can be more honest."

Try to schedule alone time with them. If they invite their date along, peace out early.
You don't have to burn down the friend shack for this, just make better boundaries, and probably they'll break up soon and your pal will be glad to have you separate so that they can talk trash on their ex with abandon.

When you absolutely have to hang out with your friend and the hate-date, bring another person to relieve your third wheel status. You can still have fun while the couple acts out their patterns of annoyingness.

Dear Nicole,
Is it a bad idea to travel to another land with your ex who you're still sort of hot for? Do you suspect such residual hotness is mutual if such plans are being made, or am i just sleazy? She does have a girlfriend.
My Hitch Hiking Heart

Dear Hitch Hiker,

There is something sleazy about traveling with someone you have a crush on who has a girlfriend, BUT , whatever. It's not that sleazy. It's not like you're going to make a move. Just go with her, remind her what a good time you can be and how hot your pajamas are, and then maybe someday when she breaks up with her girlfriend you can console her and she'll look up through her tears and see your angelic form and say "what was i thinking?" and then you guys can start having sex, or maybe casually dating, and you may or may not remember why you broke up, but whatever.

Good Luck and keep your hands to yourself,
(but in general spooning is probably okay if you give the excuse that you're exes),


Dear Nicole,

After a series of unfortunate events, ie: a personal economic recession, I have landed back at my uberconservative parent's house in bourgeois wonderland after living la vida homo on my own or with friends for years.

While I am enjoying the comforts of guaranteed meals, air conditioning, and the respite from the end of the month requisite panic attacks, I am having a little trouble adjusting to being back under the dad regime. It was easy to deal with the obsessive-compulsive "no crumb left behind" policy and the passive aggression masquerading as "lifestyle tips" during occasional weekend visits, but its becoming a little trying on a daily basis.

And I'm not gonna lie, I'm more than a little nostalgic for the days of being able to masturbate on the couch in the comfort of my own home.

Help me Nicole, I have a few more months to go until I'm back on my feet and ready to venture back into independence. What's a down-on-her-luck radical lesbian feminist to do?

----Overwhelmed in the O.C.

Dear Cast Member of the O.C.

1. It's only a few months. Be Polite. I know you can do it.

2. You owe your parents for letting you come back. You don't need to throw yourself at their feet, but they have given up their privacy and resources to hang out with their adult child for a while, so please show them some respect!

I don't know what works for you, but you have to bring yourself back to the reality that is your life so that you don't' regress into childish antics of rebellion when they push your buttons (which would be my first instinct in this situation).


Dad: So anyway, i was just reading in the bible that premarital sex was a one way ticket to hell. And since you can't get married (because you are a lesbian) then i guess that means you're out!

You: Thanks dad. I appreciate the thought, but i think I'll be okay.

Alternate Response: Just a blank smile and a "thanks" will be fine.

This is what adults do. They put it in perspective, act chill, and don't let their minds spin out into
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you're telling me i'm going to hell? thanks a lot dad, i knew you secretly weren't cool with this lesbian thing and i can't believe you're so passive aggressive about it. you're not perfect, i mean you're basically obsessive compulsive and like, super controlling, and ...."
Which, i imagine, would be the knee-jerk response to your Dad's attempts at getting your goat or giving lifestyle advice.
Fight it!

3. Drive elsewhere during peak parent hours. Go for a walk, go to the library. Make plans, and work harder to get the fuck out.

4. Tell them how much you appreciate them by doing little things to make them happy; like cleaning the house unexpectedly or buying your Mom flowers.

5. Watch their digital cable after hours and masturbate to your heart's content while eating expensive snacks that you would never be able to afford on your own.

Dear Nicole J. Georges,

I have a lot of love to give. I've always been a good friend to
animals, and had a lot of pets growing up, but there haven't been
really very many dogs in my life. I've always thought they were a lot
of work. But recently I've been feeling a little bit of a void in my
life. I'm sort of a lonely misanthrope and lately have been wondering
if I should get a dog to keep me company. I already have a very smart
and adorable and sweet cat, but I think I'm emotionally needy and
maybe I need to level-up and get a dog. How do I know if this is the
right move? And my cat, who I love more than anything, how do I know
this would be the right thing for her too? She can be kind of a stress
case, and when she's unhappy, I'm miserable. I want to provide the
best possible life for her, and I would feel really guilty if I got a
dog and it made her quality of life go down. She's not really an
easy-going cat, and when she sees a dog across the street, she hides
under the porch. So any advice on how to pick out a dog, or whether or
not I should get one at all, would be helpful! Also, what do you feed
your dogs? Do you feed them vegan food? I looked into that for my
cat, and found that vegan cat food can give them bladder infections, so
I decided against it, but was wondering how dogs are with vegan food...


Perplexed Pet Person

Dear Perplexed,

1. You should bring a mild dog over for a week to test the waters and ask your cat in a real an honest way if this is an alright situation.

2. If your cat consents, then it's time to go to the shelter.

Bring a friend with a heart of stone and a mind of reason, so that you don't leave with an animal that day, and you don't leave with a dog you feel sorry for.

DO NOT be wooed by a pretty face or a pity party. At the time this will serve any codependent leanings you may have, but in the long run it is the least fair to you and the dog. Because you'll get the most fucked up dog there and then you'll get home and have a hard time and have to bring it back, and instead of staying in the shelter and getting a forever home with an experienced dog owner, your pity dog will be flailing at your home as you pull out your hair and say "Ten more years of this!?!?".

Ask the people at the shelter to tell you all about the dogs and their history with cats. i would recommend one who has lived with cats before.

I always advocate for getting a middle aged to senior dog in this situation. They're good starter dogs for you, especially if you work or have a cat, because they're not going to have anxiety attacks if you can't walk them 2 hours a day, and they'll be a lot more relaxed and less mentally active.

Stay away from terriers and hunting breeds that will have a fierce instinct to chase small creatures (like your cat).
Such as: Jack Russell terriers. no no no!

3. Before you get a dog, i recommend reading Cesar's way to Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer. I know he's controversial, but in my experience, his methods work and I truly appreciate his outlook on dog psychology and human behavior.

4. Dogs are alright as vegans, much more so than cats.

There is a book i would like to recommend to anyone on the fence about this issue called
Obligate Carnivores, by Jed Gillen.

It provides an excellent argument for vegan pets.
Here are some highlighted points:

Dogs are not strict carnivores in the wild.

Basically, there are vegan cat and dog foods which synthesize the nutrients they would otherwise get from meat.

The meat used in most cat and dog foods is so low-quality, that you're not necessarily doing them a favor by feeding that anyway.

When you feed your pet food made from other animals, you're putting a value on one life over another.
You're basically trading a cow for a dog, a chicken for a cat.

Cats and dogs don't necessarily live natural lives right now, so why get uptight about it in this one area?

As for my canine companions, they are pescetarians right now.
They've been on vegan food before, and I've always supplemented it with eggs from my backyard chicken coop.
They were happy and healthy that way, and I wouldn't rule out going there again.
But for right now, they are pescetarians.
I hope that angry vegans around the globe do not torch my house now.
Please trust that I have my reasons!

(you can borrow my copy of the book or get it at

In conclusion: Get Cesar's book so that you'll have a good idea about what dog ownership entails, and then, if you cats says it's okay, go and get a dog! If your cat says no way, you should get Cesar's OTHER books, and the Dog Whisperer DVDs, and Obligate Carnivores, and just study dogs for the next however-many-years until your cat has Gone To The Other Side.

Good Luck!

Monday, September 8, 2008

In which I advocate Roofies, the E-Room, & mixing cocktails with pills

God, of COURSE you shouldn't look forward to getting roofied, and of COURSE you shouldn't mix Vicodin with a cocktail. I was just kidding. Read on, read on.

Dear Nicole,
should I put the moves on my personal trainer?
Horny in Hillsdale

Dear Horny,

Originally I was prepared to say "Stop! You'll never be able to work out again!" , but then i thought "Sure." It seems like personal trainers are probably good at having sex.
So... why not.


Dear Nicole:

How would you suggest that a single lez, say about 30 years old with an admirable rack and large, tacky earring collection, go about establishing a newer, sluttier, care free dating life? How would this 30something let the tomboys about town know that she's interested in: a) lots of easy sex b) some fun, windblown, low maintenance hangouts without douchey game playing c) whatever may develop, as long as it's not super emo -- short of putting a sex ad on craigslist (which is a respectable choice, but seems like it may be a little unhygenic)? Wait. Is this even possible? Does this Dykey Dreamland exist?

This lez in question is not interested in being false or unauthentic with anyone (she's NOT emotionally unavailable, paralyzed nor bankrupt), AND would like to put out some honest to goodness "fuck me early and often" vibes.

What do you think, Oh Wisened One?


Sexy McWouldLikeToGetLaiderton

Dear Sexy McWouldLikeToGetLaiderton,

Why does every question i receive have to do with making friends or getting laid? I have answered the same question about six times and i am running out of material here.
Leave the house. Get a good haircut. Tell people you're available. Ta da.
Now quit asking until you've followed that advice and seen where it led you.

But you, Mrs. McWouldLiketoGetLaiderton, are a very special person, and so i offer my advice on Making Friends/Getting Laid for the last time.

First of all:
It's time to get out the old Town Whore bell. "Clang Clang!" , you say "Open for business!".

I have a couple of different pieces of contradictory laid-getting advice. It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure.

1. Declare your celibacy.
Everyone likes a challenge. Don't be a cad about it, but tell people that you are choosing to remain celibate for a while, perhaps to "re evaluate your priorities".
Something that makes you sound wholesome , maybe wise, but not frigid.
If somebody's been on the fence about boning you, hearing that you are trying to get out of the race will immediately spark their interest and will make them want to coerce you into rejoining our party.
You have to be tricky with this one. Play it just virginal enough so that they don't know you've been lying, but not so virginal that they actually give up trying to roofie you.
Good luck!

2. Make it Rain.
When it rains, it pours. Correct?
I have found that i will have dry spells in which i look up at the sky and say "Why must i die alone?", followed by moments where there are too many people knocking down my door at the same time. Never is there a steady trickle, it is either one or the other.
So. what you need to do is turn the hose on, set it up over a tree limb, and make your own rain.
You can do this by lowering your standards (Momentarily!) and doing it with someone just because you know you can and just because you want to have sex.
Of course, of course, be mindful of their feelings, etc. But isn't there somebody lurking in the shadows, maybe someone vaguely seedy, who has been sweating you this whole time? Or, do you live within walking distance of the E-Room?
If so, go there right now. Get wasted. Pick up somebody who looks a lot better in dim light than they do in the day, and take them home.
Just have sex.
This will once again ignite the mysterious vibes or pheromones that exist within you that say "Come To Me."
People will sense this and they will , in turn, come to you.
This will momentarily quell your crazy desperate "fuck me or i will die" vibe and will give you a brief air of indifference, which will , in turn, come off as "come to me (because i'm not coming to you) ".

I swear one of these methods has got to work.
And if they don't...
try craigslist! somebody's got to try it! Wear sunglasses or keep the room dark or have some vicodin with a cocktail and make out with a stranger from the internet.
Then tell me how it went.


Dear Nicole,
what the hell is wrong with Portland's queer scene these days?
- Curious on Couch Street

Dear Curious,
Good question... sort of.
In a nutshell, here is what is wrong with Portland's queer scene:

1. It is racially homogenous,
2. there isn't enough chivalry,
3. sometimes the femmes get scarcity issues (and then things get ugly)

Have fun there.


p.s. After a moment of thought:

Well... i don't know if anything is wrong with Portland's queer scene THESE days that wasn't wrong with it in THOSE days.

Having come from the vast desert that is Kansas, and having lived near the wasteland they call Chico, California,
I have greatly enjoyed marinating in the scene that is Portland Queerdom.
Even the most annoying people here, I look at them and think how glad i am that they exist. Even though they might bug the shit out of me.
I'm glad there is space for them here, and sometimes, even space enough for them to be "cool".
Whereas in a Kansas suburb someone would just be an homely girl, in Portland they are magically transformed into a handsome gentleman or busted-hot lady.
We have such an abundance here, we can choose between queer nights and gay dance parties and see homos every night of the week!
We hold hands wherever we want, and sometimes after a big party you'll find latex gloves in the bushes. I kid you not.
I say, embrace it, appreciate, and then work on the things i listed above in my first answer.

Dear Nicole,

I have been "talking to" this girl that i met through a friend of a
friend. Initially we started talking via myspace, which progressed
into daily texting and phone calls late into the night. I crafted her
a heartfelt mix cd which i...mailed to her. See Nicole, the thing is,
that there is a bit of a barrier between us. A physical one. I am
stuck outside of the Los Angeles area, and she resides in the bay
area. I never really met anyone from online before, but she makes me
laugh and is cooler than anyone I ever met down here. Call me a
pessimist, but we don't really have a future together because of the
distance. Should we even bother investing time in making visits to
each other? If so, what's the appropriate visiting timeline?

Reluctant In Riverside

Dear Reluctant,
Ahhh, long-distance online dating.
As i've said before: Imagine the most annoying person you know. Now remember that even that person could make themself look palatable on the internet.
Really, truly.
BUT, of course you are In Like with this person and you are not comparing them to the most annoying person you know, SO... go visit them!
It's not all for nothing.
When you visit them, gather information. Do you like their friends? Are they people you would choose to hang out with if you lived in that city?
Do you like the things they do with their time? Do they whine a lot?
Do they treat you nice? Are they locked into their life and their city? and.... Are you locked into your life and your city?
Have a nice visit, but seriously take off your blinders for a minute and soak it up realistically , because it is going to cost a lot of money and take a lot of effort for this to keep going, and if this girl is only so/so in person, then you're just as well off scouting somebody in your own neck of the woods.

I cannot stress enough that this person had better blow every girl in your own town out of the water, because if all goes well,
One of you will have to move . Who's it going to be?
THAT is a serious maneuver. More serious, perhaps , than moving in together.
And i never, ever advise moving in together, unless you are ready for (as Dr. Laura said today):
"A ring, flowers, and rice thrown in your face."
The end.

Dear Nicole,

Ok, so I've had a year-long epic romance with a friend of mine. We've confessed we liked each other and have been intimate more than four times....each time we have been pretty tipsy. Every time after she gets "scared" and blows me off by not calling or texting me for days after. Every time after, I tell myself that I won't allow myself to fall for it again. Her reasoning, or excuse rather is that she can't have a relationship because she's not out to her parents. I understand that coming out is a long, hard process but I don't think it warrants the disrespect I've been given. Ugh, Am I setting myself for heartache, and should I give up? The thing is, we've been friends for so long. Can I at least salvage a friendship or is it time to throw in the towel?

Disrespected in Detroit

Dear Detroit,

How does this qualify as an "epic romance" if you've only gone as far as confessing "Like"?
Not even, "care" "adore" or "love"?
Forget it.
Yes you are setting yourself up for heartache.
You can still be friends, but only if you:
Have some self respect,
make some boundaries, and
tell this little tramp to keep her hands off of you when she's drunk and horny!
You deserve a lot better than this.
She should be thanking her lucky stars that she got to bed you down whilst drunk, and should exude at LEAST good manners after such an affair.
Just think: your soul mate wouldn't treat you this way.
It's a fact.
Good luck!


p.s. Don't get bent out of shape that i just called your best friend a Tramp.
I'm just trying to be on your side. Whatever, she can call me a tramp, it's fine. But at least i'm not a jerk!

Special Guest: Michelle Tea!

Deer Friends,
How lucky are we to have another guest columnist?!? Today I have imported a few select answers from San Francisco's best advice-giver and queer author, Michelle Tea.

hey Michelle,

i've been with my partner for over ten years. we have a good time and
love each other and rarely fight but we're not without our share of
problems. namely we're complete opposites. this is true of almost
everything.. i'm a homebody type, and he's more outgoing; when i want to
stay out, he wants to go home and sleep; when he wants to stay up, i'm
tired. this goes on and on.

we question if this is a healthy relationship and if we can really offer
each other what we need. we've always said we'd be friends even if this
doesn't work out, and strangely i wonder what it'd be like for him to be
with someone who's more in tune with him.

to complicate things i have a serious crush on someone else and often
find myself thinking about said crush. but i don't want to get carried
away thinking life would be perfect with my crush. after all, i do have
a very real relationship of ten years with someone whom i consider my
best friend but unfortunately maybe i know too well.

i think what this comes back to is the idea that my partner and i each
need to change some things about our relationship and about ourselves
(whether it's by leaving the situation we're in by breaking up, or how
we're communicating about our needs and differences). the question is,
should we attempt to continue this together, or move on? is it really
possible to grow with someone who knows you so well (or thinks they know
you so well)?

lost in emotion,
happy but sad

Dear Happy But Sad,

Hmmmm. The Buddhist idea that the suffering of life comes from
resisting change is illustrated by my favorite faggoty Buddhist teacher
with an anecdote of a person who has worked their ass off all day,
outside, in the heat, like, clearing trees or cleaning a rich person's
swimming pool, and then takes a cold shower, and the cold shower feels
soooooo good, like it is the million dollar solid-gold cold shower of
life. Best shower ever. The person thinks, "Oh man, this shower is
making me feel so freaking awesome I'm going to stay in it forever!"
But of course the cold shower soon begins to feel uncomfortable, then
miserable, and the person is all pruny and blue-lipped and shivering,
wondering why they ever thought the stupid shower felt good at all. So,
maybe your relationship is a shower that felt really good when you
needed it to back in the day, but now you want a different sort of
shower, one that is a homebody and looks like that person you have a
crush on. Break up!

But you should be warned: you will be totally fucked up from the ten
years you spent with your current love. People grow around each other
in ways that are heartbreakingly imperceptible, and when you wrench
yourself apart from each other it feels alienating and bizarre and
super painful. Even if you believe you're doing the right thing. Long
term relationships warp you. All my friends who escaped their=2
report a frequent sensation of being haunted by the original
partnership. This sensation of being haunted can take the form of
bursting into tears, years later, on public transit, though more
generally it manifests as a hard to shake ennui, a sense of having
selected the wrong path at some long-ago fork in the road, a path
you're now stuck on.

Here is advice for everyone coasting along blissfully in two or
three-year relationships: Get out now! You think it's going to last
forever, but it's not, and by the time you realize this a decade will
have passed and you will have done irreparable damage to your heart and

Okay back to you, Happy But Sad: Get ready to date a lot of hot morons
who just don't GET you the way your ten year person got you. If you are
lucky you will get so strung out on the powerful sensory experience of
sex with a totally new person that you won't realize how moronic they
are for quite some time. When you do figure it out you can scoot away
fast with nary a consequence, explaining to everyone, 'It was a
rebound.' Everyone will nod sympathetically. Then you'll do it a few
more times and the rebound excuse will become unavailable to you. Now
you are simply single and doing what single people do — hooking up with
losers, trying to find that special person you can hunker down with for
ten years and experience something meaningful. Except, y
ou already did
that! And found it dull! So, I guess all that will be left for you in
light of this is cheap sex without the illusion of love and long-term
romance. Go slut it up!

Also, get ready to watch your ex date people that totally baffle and
gross you out. You will be like, 'Oh my god I can't even believe you
are going out with that person who everyone in the world knows is
totally nuts and now everyone thinks that you are nuts too and I must
have been nuts to have ever gone out with you if this is the caliber of
people you enjoy dating oh my god does this mean I am the same caliber
of person as this nutso new date of yours oh no!!!!!!' and you will
have a existential crisis. A friend of mine who is a completely hot fox
and also the most brilliant genius writer who has ever written a book
once said to me, as I suffered through one of these existential crisis,
'I've never been left for anyone who was anywhere near as great as I
am.' I don't know why people who get out of LTRs rush to mate with the
individual who is like the anti-matter version of the person they just
were with, but they do, and you will, and so will your ex, and everyone
will be mystified and grossed-out by it.

Listen, if the world of single people proves to be as unappetizing and
strange as I suspect it is, you can always get back together. And if
you do, you'll appreciate each other SO much more, you will clutch each
other gratefully, marveling at all the bullets of untold misery you
dodged by coming to your senses and reconciling. And hopefully you will
have each had some crazy sex with someone/s younger and drunker than
the other, and, thusly reminded of the power of an awakened libido,
will get right to work not taking each other's junk for granted ever
again. And then you live happily ever after, til the next time one or
both of you starts moping wistfully down the 'Is that all there is?'
path, and start the process anew.

Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
how do I tell my friend that drinks a lot that she repeats herself too much and that her breath smells like old bologna? She is a close talker and I have tried passive gumming.
-Big League Chew

Dear Big League,

According to Alcoholics Anonymous, the best time for an intervention is
when the boozer is hungover, feeling like a roll of rotting head cheese
tossed in a New York City gutter in August. If your little drunk friend
was out boring everyone to tears Saturday night, show up at her house
bright and early Sunday morning. Bring something nice to soothe a
dehydrated hangover — pineapple juice is good. Under the guise of
reminiscing about how CRAZY last night was, deliver a monologue that
goes something like this: 'And, dude, you totally told that same story
about how you fell down the stairs at your job like seven hundred times
last night! Again and again! Like, to all the same people! Do you
remember that? And you were standing so close to everyone, like all up
in their face, no one could get away from you! It was so crazy! You
smelled like Bologna, too! You know, you kind of always smell like
Bologna when you drink, what's up with that? Are you drinking bologna
liqueur? You're so crazy!'

When I used to drink too much then snort tons of cocaine and make
people hate me by telling everyone who never cared how good Marilyn
Manson's Mechanical Animals show at the Cow Palace in 1998 was, again
and again, I sort of knew I was doing it. I felt just enough shame
that, if anyone had called me on it I would have collapsed inside,
totally mortified. If they had then told me I smelled like lu
and had no concept of personal space, I would have been devastated. Of
course, I would have kept doing it, all of it, because I am an actual
alcoholic and therefore have no control over my behavior when drunk,
but maybe your friend is not an actual alcoholic, only swiftly on the
way to becoming one. Perhaps your intervention will be just the thing
to save her from further ruin. It's worth a shot! Just make sure that
you don't start feeling bad for her when the shame spiral sets in and
get all, 'Oh, it's no big deal, you shouldn't feel bad, don't worry,
here, have some Bologna Schnapps.' The shame spiral is crucial. If you
see her starting to drown in self-hate, give her a little kick.
Something simple like, 'Yeah, everyone was talking about it' should do
the trick. You're a good friend! No, I mean it! You're a good friend.

Love, Michelle

Nicole Adds A Bonus Answer from Henrietta of the Old Folk's Home:
"I ain't tryin' to be rude, but can i help you? As a friend?" and hold up a peppermint
(this move was demonstrated to me when i asked her for advice. She holds up the peppermint exactly after saying "can i help you?", and then the part
"as a friend" is supposed to soften the blow of seeing the mint, i think.)

Monday, September 1, 2008

Cat Dander, Myspace, Buttplug Etiquette and Making New Friends

Hello, Readers! It is September and I write to you from my my borrowed Herman Miller Aeron chair, listening to the snoring sounds that young Wishbone Georges makes from her bed.
1. Get ready for "Ask Nicole Georges: The Tour" this fall/winter. I'll be traveling around the east coast with sts and Katy Davidson, giving live advice everywhere I land.
2. Note: Picture at left is meant to clear my good name of Cat Hating rumors. Look, i like them so much i have , like, twelve on my lap at once!
3. Comments are encouraged and accepted.

Dear Nicole,

Should I tell my ex gf I broke into her email account in a fit of crazy to see if she found someone new?

- Nosy in New Hampshire

Dear Nosy,

If you need to stalk your ex girlfriend, do it through Myspace like any decent person would do.
In the meantime,
do NOT tell her that you broke into her email account! Swallow that secret and clear her password from your mind.

Dear Nicole,

I have always enjoyed the company of animals and grew up around many different types of pets. For the most part, I was raised around cats and when I moved to my own place, I started with having only 2 cats, then I got a dog and became a total dog lover. The cats crack me up with their antics and craziness, and my dog is my best pal and I take him everywhere with me.
Cats can be just as affectionate as dogs.
I know you are an awesome person who cares for all animals. My question to you is, do you think you will ever adopt a cat? What is is about cats in particular that you don't dig?

All the best!

Animal Lover

Dear Animal Lover,

Sigh. I have been plagued with anti-cat stigma ever since i drew a comic that said "As a general rule, i don't like cats." when i was 22.
Well. Let's clear this up.
When i was 23 i hit a cat whilst driving the minivan for an animal rescue organization i worked for. Please take my word for it that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this Grandpa-Cat murder/suicide.
So riddled with guilt was i, that i declared then and there that i would repair my relationship with the feline community. I have a good four years of pro-cat petting under my belt now and would like to say i'm reformed.

I even rescued a litter of kittens (See Above Photo) and drove myself to the brink of insanity after realizing i would have to rear them and find them homes after no rescues would take them (keep in mind i had four dogs and three chickens at the same time).

I actually tried to adopt a cat ,Cleo Clementine Cashew Cardamom Cupcake Georges, last year after Lambchop died. I rescued her from a family off of craigslist who'd moved and left her sitting outside of their abandoned house. I put Cleo in the back of the my borrowed Mercedes Benz and took her home. Well. I'm allergic to cats. I thought after years of dating cat people I'd cured myself, but apparently one dandery cat in one small house in winter with all the windows closed was not the ticket for my sinuses. And so, she is now Cleo Clementine Cashew Cardamom Cupcake Kilcoyne, as I gave her to a friend. They are very tight and it all worked out okay (see photographic evidence, below).

So the answer is: I would be roommates with a cat, or a step parent to a cat, but i would probably not get my own cat. Power to cats. Power to cat people! Hand me a kleenex!

Dear Nicole,
I haven't dated women much.. whats the etiquette on recycling sex toys with other, uh, dates.. presuming I will actually find another?


Dear Dildonna,
Good Question! It really depends how much sentimental value is attached to said toy and how much money you have at the time.
First and foremost, boil everything. Make dildo soup, but don't forget about it and burn your apartment down like somebody i know.

If you are going to think about your ex girlfriend every time you are attempting to wield your dildo/ horsetail buttplug/ whatever, then you should probably give it away, throw it away, or bury it.

Then, go out and buy yourself a new dildo or horsetail buttplug as a way of inviting new , clean, positive sex vibes into your life. Keep your bedroom clean and your sheets fresh. Put fresh flowers in your room and make it smell nice.
I am serious.

Nobody wants to fuck the crypt keeper, so get rid of the spider webs and bring in the sunshine and I'll bet through this manifestation of bedroom vibes that you will , in fact, lay again.

Dearest Nicole,

I'll get right to the point: How do I deal with my lame-ass friends? Don't get me wrong, I love them, but they just do nothing. Ever. At all. Any event or party that ever happens only happens because I plan it, and most of the time when I'm trying to organize something fun they all just punk out. This leaves me lonely and bored in my room eating cookie dough every weekend.
I just got out of a relationship and the last thing I need is to sit on my ass and think about how it all went downhill. I've tried making new, better friends, but so far this has been unsuccessful. Any tips or ideas? Also, if I didn't want to wait around for them to have a good time, is there any way one can dance alone on the dance floor alone without looking like an idiot? THANKS.
-No More Dull Nights (In Minneapolis)

Dear Dull Nights,

My questions for you would be:
How did you make these lame ass friends in the first place?
Were you in Love Jail whilst in your previous relationship? And if so, were your friends perhaps put off by this or did they feel ditched and so now they are vengefully ditching?

Either way, it's time to make some new friends and put the cookie dough away.
In Fact,
Cook the cookie dough instead of eating it, and wrap it in little packages and take it to the houses of your lame friends in order to butter them up into hanging out with you while you seek out new, cooler friends.

To meet new people:
Organize a sewing circle at your house.
Get involved in some Minneapolis happenings. There's go to be something going on there. It's where Prince is from, for goodness sakes!

By all means, go to dance nights by yourself. You don't have to dance by yourself, though, dance with a stranger!

Go see movies by yourself.
Get a dog.
See my previous post about friend-finding for someone who'd just moved to Minneapolis.
Good Luck!

Dear Nicole,
In your personal opinion do you think befriending someone that is hot on Myspace is appropriate? Like, if you don't know them.. but want to..?

Curious in California

Dear Curious,

Yes it is totally acceptable to befriend someone via Myspace based only on the fact that you think they're hot. Even if you don't know them.
I've done it before , I'll do it again, and I encourage you to do the same.

What you say to reel them in and make them accept your request, however, is the tricky part.
Like, when they say "Who are you? Do I know you?".

I can't tell you my personal strategy because it would spoil it for myself and future myspacings, but think of something that doesn't sound too creepy, or maybe leech onto the fact that you have a mutual friend. "Oh, i saw you were friends with so-and-so and they're like, my favorite person ever and i thought we'd get along....".

Oh. I have to mention a bit of internet sense. Think of the most annoying person you know. Now think: That person could make themselves sound good on the internet. Just something to keep in mind if you're cruising around for dates.

Err... good luck.