Teen Punk Rebellion

Dear Nicole,

   When you were punk, what exactly did you do? Were you rebellious towards your parents? Did you think everyone/everything was shit?

 Sincerely,

 Enid Coleslaw

Dear Enid,

I still *am* a punk!!!
Being a punk can include being polite to senior citizens,
being on time to meetings, wearing party dresses and singing along to Taylor Swift if you so choose.

When I was a teenage punk, I was horribly unkind to my parents, and I was rude to society at large.
Now that I am an adult punk, I realize that my limited ability to empathize as a teen was a big problem.
Because no person, including  my parents (as imperfect as they were), or the random person on the street (who may look like a "conformist") deserves rude treatment.
 Even from someone with a mohawk!
There's something elitist or arrogant about thinking you have it So figured out that everyone else deserves to suffer. They may not have had access to the same ideals, or they may just not agree with you, but they're still human people who were once children and who are just trying to do their best.


I agree with the rage that goes along with punk. When the scales drop from your eyes and you see what is really going on around you, with societal  norms & power structures, it makes complete sense to start screaming and thrashing and slam dancing! BUT I also admire or idolize a kind of punk that takes that rage and constructs something out of it, instead of just tearing the world down. The thing you construct could be so cool that people identify with and find shelter in it. Who knows, maybe your contribution will change society as a whole for the (punk) better.


People I recommend you (as a young punk) look up, or look up to :
Ian Mackaye from Minor Threat, Fugazi & Dischord Records,
and Kathleen Hannah, whom you can watch all about in the movie "The Punk Singer" (by Sister Spitter Sini Anderson) , which is streaming on Netflix RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
They are people who felt the same teenage punk rage you do, and built something out of it that changed the world.
I know it changed mine, for the better!

Take Care, dear Enid.
You are not alone!

xoxo

This photo, of your friend Nicole (center, with Aly & Rita) was taken in KC when we were 18, by Tae Won Yu, another person you should look up!!!

 

p.s. You asked what I did as a teenager. Besides being a rude dude and playing pranks on society with my best friend Aly, I did these things:
-Traveled to political rallies and tribunals
-Joined & ran Food Not Bombs in Kansas City
-Made a zine that I sold and traded at punk shows
-Interviewed bands for my zine, with varied success (got yelled at by the singer of The Scofflaws for asking inane questions like "What's your favorite kind of cheese?")
- Had leopard printed shaved-head hair
-Threw rocks at some children who called me "A Ugly Boy" for having a shaved head
-Ran a friend's hardcore punk VHS distro out of my bedroom for a summer
-Started a "Girl Positive" discussion group (where we watched homo-erotic videos and talked personal politics)
-Watched Matlock
-Went Vegan
- Ate a lot of veggie-chili fries at Ottos Malt Shop. 
-Organized a zine conference in KC*
-Was on a panel at said zine fest with Jello Biafra, who was a dismissive jerk
-Organized a "Rock the Vote: Rock the Nation" youth forum for kids who weren't old enough to vote but wanted social change.*
-Drove around all night with my friends who did a zine called "Sleep Is The Enemy"
-Met Ian Mackage, who was exceedingly patient to these same friends as they interviewed him about the value of sleeping vs not sleeping. 
-Stopped shaving my arm pits
-Tried out not wearing a bra, which was a mistake given my particular chest situation
- Had a short-lived band called "The Yikes's" who sang songs about guys I worked with at Subway
-Ran a zine distro called The Pippilotta Delicatessa
-Traveled to shows and hardcore punk festivals
-Drove really far, alone, to see the band Avail
-Got into a horrible car accident, after-which I broke my veganism to eat a package of Milano cookies.
-Made vegan burritos for traveling bands
- Wore a cow suit (from PETA) with my friend Aly to protest the National Cattleman's Beef Association. 
- Went on a cross-country activist tour to protest primate experimentation
- Picked up Henry Rollins from the airport* (this is in there for no good reason, has nothing to do with what I did as a human being, I just wanted to tell you that strange fact).

*These organizing activities were only possible with the support of genuinely engaged and interested adults in the Kansas City Area, particular Ann Winter and Culture Under Fire, an anti-censorship non-profit and festival.

p.p.s. Be warned: not all punks share the same ideals! There are plenty of misogynist, alcoholic, shit-head punks out there. They may be wearing the same cultural markers of punk, but they can exhibit the same frat-boy posturing that you find in your own high school!*
 I went to plenty of punk shows as a teenager (or even into my 20s) where gross dudes threw their beer on me, shoved their way to the front, and basically took up as much or more aggro, homophobic and woman-hating space as the people who I hid from as a teen in Kansas. All while having crusty-punk dreadlocks and butt-flaps!
Keep your eyes open, and take care of yourself! If something is making you uncomfortable at a show, leave! (I guess you could speak up, but if people are having an idol-worship mob mentality around a band of shit-heads, you might be wasting your breath.) Leave unsafe spaces, go listen to a Bikini Kill record in your room, and try again at a different show. Find a different scene! They're out there, even if you can't see them readily from your town. You could create that space!  Even if it's just you and one friend moshing in your basement, or watching "Suburbia" in your Mom's den, it's better than letting your heart get knocked around in a cool-looking sub-culture.

*Riot Grrl was created in response to this behavior, but it still exists and thrives in different places!
The mainstream culture of oppression being handed down to it's scrappy-looking heirs.

Serving Up Hard Advice About Your Partner's Self Esteem

Hello!
I have a new bit of advice up on Bitch Magazine for you to read.

Enjoy!
In the meantime, here is my unsolicited advice of the day:
If you are feeling blue, give someone a gift (without expectations of a response), get outside with the dog, read a chapter of a book about something bigger than you, and watch your favorite t.v. show. It may not chase the blues away entirely, but at least you will be spending your time well instead of digging around in the dumps (or on the internet).

xoxo
n.g.

New Advice Comic Up at Bitch!

Greetings, Earth Friends!

I have a new post up at Bitch Magazine's website. It is a comic about how to combat sexism at your service job.

Enjoy!

xo
n.g.

We're Going BIG TIME. Bitch Time.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,
I have big news for you:

I am going to be doing advice for Bitch Media, purveyors of Bitch Magazine!!!
HERE is the link.

And here below is their blog post about it. Check it out and send in questions, specifying they're for me (or go ahead and choose one of the other licensed advice professionals).

xoxo
n.g.

Submit Questions to Our New Feminist Advice Columnists

Ms. Opinionated post by Sarah Mirk on February 12, 2014 - 3:03pm;

Let's face it: All of us need a little help sometimes.
That's why we launched a feminist advice column, Ms. Opinionated, back in October 2012. Writer Megan Carpentier served as Ms. Opinionated advice columnist for a year, penning thoughtful answers to questions like "Should people getting married consider how much it will cost their friends to attend the wedding?" (answer: yes) and "What should I do about my friend's 'personal brand' being a slur?" (answer: Listen to this They Might Be Giants song).
Now, we're relaunching Ms. Opinionated with three great new columnists. You can send in a question on any topic and one of these three smart folks will field it.

SYDETTE HARRY is a writer, performer, and nerd. She tweets and blogs under the name Blackamazon and performs with The Body Ecology Performance Ensemble in New York. She manages it all with ADHD pride.

NICOLE GEORGES is an artist, illustrator, and long-time zinester. She has numerous creative projects, including touring twice with the Sister Spit roadshow and creating adorable animal calendars. Her graphic novel memoir Calling Dr. Laura deals with family, queerness, and identity and was published last year. She is currently a Fellow at the Center for Cartoon Studies in Vermont.

ANDI ZEISLER is a co-founder of Bitch and our current creative and editorial director. She's the author of the book Feminism and Pop Culture and editor of BitchFest: 10 Years of Cultural Criticism from the Pages of Bitch Magazine.  She passes her non-Bitch hours watching television, hanging out with her family, embroidering portraits of dogs, and subscribing to whatever magazines are left on Earth.
Email in your questions right here. Don't be shy—feel free to ask about big issues like race, gender, and sexuality or personal things like dating and family. Your identity will always remain anonymous. Feel free to address your question to a specific columnist or leave it open to any of the three to take it on.

Halloween, Vegan Tips from the 90s, and Your Girlfriend's Friends

UNSOLICITED ADVICE OF THE DAY: Pick up your loved ones from the "Departures" area of the airport, as opposed to "Arrivals" in order to save time and beat the crowd.

Oh My God, I WISH this is the costume the person below was writing about. I'd snatch that crabby girlfriend right out from under them if I saw her punching the air in this Venom suit! 

 Dear Nicole, 
My girlfriend says her Halloween costume is too small and she's fat and she doesn't have time to come up with another one before tomorrow night and I told her she is really hot and too small clothes is a bad feeling but doesn't say anything about her and offered another two suggestions for costumes and she said I don't understand and she spent money on it and I don't know what else to say. Like she's all angry and it's just a Halloween costume! 
Signed, 
 Haunted in Hooverville 

Dear Hooverville,
 Step away from the angry girlfriend. Just put your hands up and back away slowly as she thrashes and tears at her poly/rayon blend alone, muttering and cursing Jack Skellington's name.
This problem has less than nothing to do with you.
 You've done an adequate job trying to say something nice, which is within your jurisdiction as a girlfriend, but aside from that, bitch has to reconcile with her own Halloween Higher Power.

 It's good that you are there, and not I. I would personally suggest she be a ghost under a sheet. And then she would probably slug me. And then we'd have to have a community forum on whether she's allowed in "Safer Spaces" or not, and on and on and on.

Sincerely,

Nicole

This is a typo- it should say VEGAN! 

Dear Nicole, 

I've recently seen "Faces of Death", and I have decided to become vegan. I am trying to take this VERY seriously. But I was just wondering, you started becoming vegan when you were a teenager right? How did you do it? What gave you inspiration? What products do recommend now at stores such as Target or Vons?
Sincerely, Vegan Vexed

Dear Vexed, 
 Hello!
I am not sure what Faces of Death has to do with being vegan, unless you've been dining exclusively on monkey's brains, but I'm with you. I support you.
I became vegan as a teenager. In Kansas. In the 90s. I am currently experiencing a 1990s vegan renaissance in my new "historic village" of White River Junction, Vermont. Asian food is my dearest friend, and when offered the chance to check out "really cool diners", I relegate myself to a fantastic portion of french fries and salad. This is what you will do.
You will also learn to cook for your self. You will get a book like Veganomicon, and learn to cook vegetables.

EAT VEGETABLES.
They are sold virtually everywhere. It's not hard. Eat vegetables at home, eat beans at home. I don't care if you cover them in ketchup, just eat them.

I believe (through my divine powers of clairvoyance) that you are a teenager.
When I was a teenager, I made a lot of Boca Burgers and chili. I ate so much chili. On top of french fries. I am not sure how I am still alive, but I survived on Veggie Chili Fries and Chocolate Cokes. A chocolate coke is a coke from a soda fountain (ask your grandpa) with chocolate syrup in it. There gets to be a chocolatey froth on the top, and it is really delightful. I also dined upon Mexican food.

When you go out (to a restaurant), do not ask the waiter if they have something vegan. That's not going to fly in a small town. Look to the vegetable section of the menu (or the "sides" section, in some dire cases) and parcel something together. Ask if it is vegetarian, or if it has dairy. That is a parlance that most people waiting tables understand.
If you are at Indian, ask if there is dairy. If you are at Thai, ask about fish sauce. If you are at a Chinese restaurant, ask if it is vegetarian (you will thank me for this tip after viewing a dish of tofu covered in pork crumblins).
I will gladly stitch together a meal of sides. Beans, salad, home fries, no problem. Also remember that you can eat when you get home if you need to. And always carry a snack. If you find a store with tons of things you would love to eat, like a mountain of Luna Bars or a jar of almond butter, buy as many as you can fathom wanting at the time, and leave some in your bag. This way you will never be the whiny vegan, or the hungry one. You will be the "food hoarder", but at least you won't be HANGRY.

 LASTLY: Sit down with yourself, take a look inside, and decide what you truly care about.
When I first went vegan, I would make myself CRAZY reading labels in the grocery store, and then come home to find that I'd trucked back something with a minute amount of honey included. I think I started open-mouth crying at some point based on this mistake.
 I had to say, "Nicole, do you care this much about honey?"
I answered, "I know I am supposed to, but I don't think I actually care.",
So I read as many books and pamphlets about honey as I could. I studied honey, to see if it was worth it to have a mental breakdown over graham crackers. At the end of this research I decided that though I would not seek OUT honey, or chug a honey bear at random, I would also not beat myself up if honey was an incidental. My mental health and longevity as a person with a plant-based diet was more important.
I have not had meat, dairy, or eggs in coming up 17 years, and the only way I've done so is by being fair and easy on myself. Be fair and reasonable, and good luck! Being vegan is really fun, especially with modern fake cheese technology.

P.s. Go look up Isa Moskowitz, and purchase her entire catalog. She is your new queen.

Good Luck!
Love Nicole

Your Girlfriend, Giving You the Scoop on Her Hateful Friends' Every Thought About Your Job. 

Dear Nicole, 
 My date is friends with a bunch of heinous second wave feminists who think the sex industry should be abolished,and say that white women sex workers ignore the mass rape and kidnapping inherent in the sex industry. She doesn't agree but I don't get how she reconciles these idiot friends with dating a sex worker. How can I talk about this or am I just being too controlling? 

Signed, 
Annoyed by Dworkin Dorkin' 


 Dear Dorkin',

A couple of thoughts:

 1. You can't control any of these things.
You can have conversations with your girlfriend and explain to her your politics and reasoning and thoughts about sex work. You may even be able to convince her of a few things. Her friends, however, are out of your jurisdiction. She likes them, she chose them, and they are separate human beings who are free to form their own judgments about whatever they like. If you complain to her that they are idiots, you may cause a rift within your relationship (she chose them, she likes them).
You don't want to isolate her from her pack, because being someone's only pack-mate is a little Misery-esque and too much for most of us to handle.

Conversely, If she chooses to inform you of every hurtful thing they say about your job and industry (and self), then she's obviously not done baking and needs to go back in the oven.
 OR, she needs to be told that it is hurtful and you don't need to know every single thing that every idiot says behind your back.
She's not a fucking reporter, tell her to take the "SCOOP" sign out of her fedora and chill out!

2. It is a bad sign if you detest the friends of the person you are looking to date.

You will have to be around them A LOT.
You may have the idea that maybe you could get around this, but only in the most casual, hook-up arrangements is this so.
 People like their friends. They make them feel good. They like to be around them, and they would probably like to blend their friends with their date. Otherwise, it's awkward.
If you'd like to keep seeing this person (and have to be around her friends) , it would serve you very well to repeat that not everyone has to agree with you, and come to a place of peace with the fact that these people have their own opinions on something you feel very strongly about. Then leave it. If you commit to staying in this relationship, and joining this person's community, that is what you are committing to do. To leaving this topic off the table in lieu of peace. This sounds very hard, because your job is very personal and (through my clairvoyant powers, I know) well-considered. Never being able to talk about your industry in front of these people (say at parties or a holiday gathering) without a fight is filling me with a stifled, tense feelings, and I'm not even you.

Good Luck!

Sincerely,
n.g.

My Top Ten Favorite Things/Feedback to the "You Belong To Me" video by Taylor Swift

Dear Readers,
I have been on a real Taylor Swift jag this year. Her songs once personified my insecure teenage dog (to whom I sang "Fifteen" after she turned fifteen), and now that my dog is gone I am still afflicted with the Swift. I love her. I buy into her whole thing. I buy into her image of being a tender-hearted song-writer who flings herself into love and then responds to the outcomes through her art. Great.

With all that said, this blog-post is just to let you know the top ten thoughts I have on the Taylor Swift video "You Belong To Me", which I have watched over and over and over again over the course of the past two years.





1. This blond guy belongs to himself. Obviously.

2. I love, LOVE how the blond person is portrayed as being the underdog. REALLY? Really, T.Swift? It's so hard to be a mousy blond in this world, having to compete with raven haired girls wearing contact lenses. If only he could see the girl behind the blond! If only....

3. The wig on evil Taylor? It is remarkable. Like, maybe a Halloween wig from Rite-Aid.

4. The way that Evil Taylor greets her teenage boyfriend, by rolling up in her convertible and straight up grabbing his head for a very sensual mid-afternoon kiss.

5. Why does being a cheerleader make her evil? I was a cheerleader, and I'm not evil.

6. It seems like this blond fellow has been opening up to blond Taylor about his relationship in an inappropriate way. She shouldn't need to know the issues going on in his relationship with Evil Taylor.
It sounds like he is talking trash about his own girlfriend, when he really should be either working to resolve his problems or exit the relationship so she can be free to date someone whose humor she gets and whose music she likes.

7. If I may take a note from Dr. Laura here, it can be problematic to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite (or your sexually preferred) gender while in a relationship.
Don't get all twisted- I'm not talking old friends here, I'm talking (in regards to this video) someone whom you would fuck if only they weren't wearing American Apparel fashion glasses.
If you need to vent, vent to a friend, not some vulture who is circling your relationship,  ready to pick at it's bones and rip off your football jersey at every mention of tension between yourself and your plastic-haired girlfriend.

8.Taylor Swift needs to mind her own business. He chose the evil Taylor. If he doesn't like her, that's his problem. No one's holding a gun to his head. He CHOSE that situation. She should really look at that.

9. Sisterhood is Powerful. Let no man tear you asunder, blond Taylor and brunette Taylor. He's not worth it. You have more to gain from remaining allies with other women, than from creating animosity based on their footwear and high/low femininity.

10. The "I LOVE YOU" signs at the end? Really? You LOVE him? LOVE? There's really nowhere to go from there. If you tell an acquaintance that you love them, then okay, what next? Where in the world can a teenage relationship go if you've brought home plate to the first date? I would advise Taylor to really consider who this person really is. If he is willing to talk about his brown-haired girlfriend behind her back to a love interest,  then he is surely capable of doing the same to his new blond-haired girlfriend. Who's to say there isn't a ginger-haired Taylor waiting in the wings to pounce him at the next dance?
Consider it, Taylor. Just consider it.

In summary:
Boundaries and feminism. That's all.
Also, better wigs.



 Sincerely,

n.g.


p.s. I'm printing a zine/comic anthology of my six years of experiences at a senior citizen day center.
You can pre-order it, or just support it here: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1601626698/tell-it-like-it-tiz-the-marie-smith-center-book

4 Geniuses for the price of One! Borderlines, Bi-Phobia, Crush-killers and more!!!

 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FIRST OF ALL: IF YOU ARE A MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENT OR ARE UNDER 18, GET OUT OF HERE. SHOO! THIS IS NOT FOR YOU.
YOU CAN READ THIS IN 6-8 YEARS WHEN YOU ARE OF AGE. 
 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Now that we've taken care of that...

Dear Readers,
This week I am delighted to offer advice from four certified geniuses instead of just one.
We are here to tackle your advice questions from our respective hometowns in California, Oregon and New York. 

Kirk Read (San Francisco) is a performance artist, all around great guy, and author of the book  How I Learned to Snap .

Tara Jepsen (Los Angeles) is a comedienne, and a brilliant writer. She & Kirk Read previously hosted Kvetch in San Francisco. Photo by Amos Mac.

 Amos Mac (New  York) is a photographer at large, and editor of OP: Original Plumbing  and Translady Fanzine.

and me (Portland), literally THE smartest person in America, aside from these three. 
Photo by Amos Mac.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Dear  Nicole,
How do I stop having a crush on someone? I legit wanna be friends with this girl because she's awesome in a particular way that other people in my life aren't and she's said she cares a lot about me and really wants to have me in her life as a friend (and I believe her - don't think she's being polite), but I can't kill this crush I have on her. We've hooked up several times, had romance-y things, but she's on the other side of the country, in grad school, and not available for any of that anymore. Under different circumstances, I'd wanna be girlfriends. Right now I'm just not talking to her, but I don't wanna cut her off forever and I also don't wanna be in hard crush agony. Help!
Signed,
Hard Crush Agony

Kirk Read:  Have anonymous sex because it will help you shake off this cross country emailing friend.

Amos Mac: Watch a few seasons of a favorite guilty pleasure t.v. show within 48 hours to "get your mind off of things" then post 3 different Craigslist casual encounter posts using 3 of your most diverse personality traits, but allow them all to go to the same email address.
It works. At least for like 3 days.

Tara Jepsen: Just stop it. Don't over-think. If you won't let go, it's a surrogate for other feelings.
Call it what it is and keep it to yourself. Don't make it the other person's problem.

Nicole J. Georges: "The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else."
It is true! It is wise.

More remedies for heart-sickness include:
-Loud punk music
-Really good books
-Hanging out with old friends who can give you a little perspective on how small a blip this is on your   epic timeline
-Exercise
-Volunteering at a place where you are interacting with other humans and can't think of the person.
-Throwing yourself into something you're good at.
-Parceling out how much of this crush was projection and how much was reality.
-Look at really awkward photos of them online.
-Watch the saddest movie of all time, Grave of the Fireflies, and remember that there are bigger problems in the world than your love life.
-Swimming
-Falling asleep really early
-Make a list of all the people you've ever had crushes on, so you can get a little perspective.
 Ask an old friend to help you compile this list so you can feel the hot shame of having been head over    heels for some truly rank individuals.






Dear Nicole,
Is it true that Portland lesbians will not date femmes who dated transguys?  if so, what is the reason?

Signed,
Potential Pariah


Kirk Read: It's true. Portland is full of ruined women and these lesbians are just holding a line.


Amos Mac: This is a true or false question? I have no idea what Portland lesbians do. Sounds complicated and none of my business. Who cares who dates who... date who you LIKE regardless of gender... or don't. Did I even answer that?

 Tara Jepsen: That is stupid shit that doesn't matter in the world. When the right person comes along, you guys choose each other.

Nicole J. Georges: My research indicates that having dated a trans-dude is not a barrier to dating lesbians in Portland, Oregon. The greater issue, in my opinion, is the idea that having dated dudes, you could identify as bi-sexual. *That* can be sticky when it comes to the Gold Star crowd.
In my experience, this community is more bi-phobic than they are trans-sensual-phobic.

At the end of the day, whomever you are dating or wanting to date needs to Take You or Leave You as you are.
You are not going to change the past, and you don't need to spend all of your time calming someones anxiety about it.
If you wanted to be with a dude you'd be with a dude, but instead you chose to date the person at hand,
so they just need to be able to sit with that and absorb your awesome summertime love vibes while they can!

 

 

Dear Nicole,
My friends always try to set me up with unmotivated slackers who work in the deli at New Seasons. What gives?!
Where can I meet a tall hot motivated guy who likes it rough?

Tara Jepsen:
Don't let your friends set you up. Wait for the right dummy to knock on your door like the rest of us.

Kirk Read: Don't try to marry hot sex, have it on the side. Dress more slutty if you want someone to be rough.

Amos Mac: What is "New Seasons"? Where do you live? Deli guys can be hot AND rough... maybe you just need to find a more motivated deli guy, or move to Brooklyn.

Nicole J. Georges: I think the deli counter at New Seasons could be JUST the place to find a tall hot guy who likes it rough. Am I wrong?
As for the motivation part, welcome to Portland. I'm afraid I may be the wrong person to ask about where to find motivated men. The City Grill????
I'm sorry I've failed you, kind reader.



 

Dear Nicole,
What if after many years of very questionable borderline behavior on the part of your parent, you just can't take it any more and you need to cease communication?
How would you say that without triggering your bad boundaries parent into acting out worse and showing up at your work?!


TJ: You can't control your parent. Do what's right and if they show up at your work keep doing your job. Let your manager knock when and if it happens, but not before.

KR: Parents are important. Figure this out with them without burning the bridge.

AM: A mediated break-up therapy session with the parent and a therapist.

NG: I suggest a certain anonymous fellowship whose members have sometimes had experience cutting troublesome parents out of their lives in order to maintain their own sanity.
Make boundaries, keep them, and steel yourself to the results. She may freak out but you do not have to react.

Some More Questions From The Road

Us with Sally Madden in Baltimore.

Questions from tour: Part 2
All questions were submitted lively and anonymously during my book tour with Cassie J. Sneider. We read them & responded in a rapid-fire manner. 

Dear Nicole, 
How do you be abiding toward someone you don't like to be around? 

Ugh, how long do you have to be around them? Can you go somewhere else? On a walk around the block or maybe face a wall for a while?
If you have to be around someone you don't like, for a short period of time, be polite. Just be polite.
Just smile stiffly, nod your head, make the most basic small talk if you need to, and be kind.

If you have to spend a lot of time with them, spend some of that time trying to have compassion for them. Think about what their situation might be, and how that is adding to their current behavior that's making you uncomfortable.

What is the best way to worm an 8.5 foot boa constrictor?

Get some wormer, I suppose. Visit the reptile vet.

My 9 hens create their own special aroma. Personally, I do not enjoy it, though I am convinced they do. How often do I have to clean their coop?

It depends on how big the coop is, but with that many chickens, probably twice a week.
They do not like the smell. When I worked at a farm, we cleaned out the chicken's nests every day.
Chew on THAT.

One of my cats is a "tub pooper". She poops in our bathtub 1-3 times a month. How can we convince her to reform her practices? 

Keep the bathroom door closed.
Or, Leave a couple inches of water in the tub. Cats hate water, right? There you go.

Should I get an asymmetrical/disconnected haircut?

There are some really beautiful, fantastical human beings with that hair-do, but in my opinion, the ship has already left the dock. Those on board are happily riding the tide of asymmetry.
 If you aren't already on the asymmetrical deck, then consider staying on dry land. 
The show's already started, the set's winding down, and it won't be worth the price of admission. 
(But I do always recommend getting a Tootie haircut. Why not?)

Should I give my miniature weiner dog preventative supplements for spinal health?

Sure, why not. While you're at it, get some doggy steps to protect the little guy's back when he's getting on and off your bed or the couch. Don't let him leap from great heights!

How do you know when it's time to change cities or is it even necessary?

When a place doesn't feel like a home, you have nothing on the horizon, it feel stagnant, and THEN opportunities open up to you in other places. "The Universe" will tell you where you need to be.

How do you let a friend know you're interested in them and still stay friends regardless of their response? 

Well. To answer the second part of your question first: you can't get aggro or mean if they say No.

That's the part that ruins friendships after crush confessions. No performative sighs or doe eyes.
If they're not interested, can the romance, turn the page and move on.
You may need to take a little friendly space from them if they say no, get over the disappointment, and then jump back in the hanging out game.

How to let them know?
Say something like: "I *like* you. Would you like to go on a date with me some time?" ,
OR the more round-a-bout, "What would happen if I asked you on a date some time? Just wondering." and then they will be baffled and say, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
and then you say, "Oh, uhhh,,, psych! J/k j/k. Um.... what?"
and then say you're going on a trip and you'll call them when you come back, and pretend to have a really great date in the Niagara Falls area, so obviously things won't be weird.
THAT IS MY BEST ADVICE. 

I recently read that hair parted to the left indicates weakness. I have a left part. Should I change it? Is there any validity to this hypothesis?

I don't know. You should change your part every once in a while to give your bangs more volume and pizazz anyway. Be a bangs switch. Everyone likes that.  They'll think you're versatile.

Why is it so hard to ask someone (a babe) out? 
p.s. There are babes in this bookstore right now...

WHAT IF THIS PERSON MEANT BABIES!????
If memories serves, there were no infants present when this question was asked, but still. What If.
Anyway, good looking adults, why is it hard? That's not advice, that's opinion.
I guess it's hard because you fear rejection, but what's the worst that could happen? You're embarrassed for a minute? Who cares. You'll survive, the world will keep turning, and you can use the practice.

It hurts when I pee. Thoughts?

First thought: UTI
Second thought: Go to the doctor.

Hi. I get very deeply & emotionally attached to animals, especially cats, since my family was fucked up when I was a kid and the only creature I felt loved me was my cat. 8 years ago I got a cat whom I loved more than anything; immediately I began having anxiety. 5 years ago she was diagnosed with a chronic illness and I spiralled into a deep anxiety for years. She died in September and I loved her truly, but I don't know if I should ever get another cat. What do you think?

I think you should get another cat.
I think you need some time, and I think you need to work on your anxiety. Once you have some anxiety management tools in place, I think a cat could be great for you. They are energy healers, you know...

 

 

Some Questions from the Road: Water sports, desperation, PC Police & More!

Good morning, readers!
I've just returned from a month-long tour of the United States, where I answered anonymous advice questions in a live setting, along-side the incredible Cassie J. Sneider.
I have a backpack full of these tiny slips of paper, and will try to answer them in a rapid-fire style as the Spring wears on.  Hopefully I can even have Cassie guest on a few posts.
Sincerely
n.g.


How much job satisfaction does one need? Is living in the cubicle kingdom ever okay?

You need to either have a job that satisfies you, or a job that doesn't drain too much of your brain power so you can do the things you like to do after work. One or the other. Most artists do not make a living off of their art, which is why it is important to have a job you can deal with during the day in order to fund your projects and not vampire you to death in the meantime.

I want to be a writer, but I don't even take myself seriously when I say that. Also, I'm in a mega depressive funk and can't make anything so I feel like a fraud when I say "writer". Help?

If you want to be a writer, all you have to do is write. Even if it is only for 20 minutes a day,  just write.
Then walk to a photocopier, put it together into a little booklet, and pass it out to your friends & writers/publications you respect. Voila- you are a writer. It is not rocket science, do not trip out on it. If you are a writer it is because there is something you need to write. Just do it. 

Hello! I'm in a primary partnership with myself. What are some fun free date ideas? (completely serious)

Go for a walk, go watch t.v. at the gym, go sit somewhere and write or draw, go to karaoke, take yourself to a movie for $3, have some quality time with your vibrator, go to Powells and read, go to Zumba, go pet dogs at the Humane Society, go spend a nickel on an ice cream cone.

How much do I like this guy? Enough to put up with occasional pot smoking and weekend drunkenness? Am I too old for this?

It sounds like you are too old for this. This question reeks of growing resentment. Cut & run! It sounds like he's getting on your nerves, and he's not going to change, so if you aren't willing to change (you don't have to, actually) then bail before you are dragging your anger like an albatross!

How do I politely tell my friends they are being politically incorrect, even when they should realize that they are... 

Ugh. Please do not passive aggressively call them out on Facebook. If you must talk to them about something, because it's hurtful or will get them in trouble, do it privately. Try to make a personal connection (i.e. My uncle is ___________ , or say "you aren't allowed to say _________!" and explain why).

Don't let it eat at you. Your new mantra: "We are on the same side." At the end of the day, are they well-meaning? Do they politically have your  back when the chips are down? Remember that! You may live in a radical bubble, but in the grand scheme of things that is rare and worth something.

Take off your judges robes and powdered wig, set down the gavel and have a friendly conversation about semantics if they're bugging you or embarrassing themselves. Otherwise, chill!

I'm from Montreal and have lived here most of my life, and a lot of people I love are here. But winter makes me want to smash my face into the sidewalk- should I move away?

Sure, try it. Not forever, just try spending a month or two somewhere sunny and see how you like it.
Texas, California, Arizona, Hawaii- sign up for a residency somewhere and dry out for a bit.
 If you are too homesick you can always move back. Remember, you just get this one life. If you see yourself somewhere tropical, go do it!

What are good ways to meet people that isn't a bar?

A karaoke bar is a bar, but really it is such an excellent place. Okay, otherwise- volunteer somewhere. I don't know what your gender situation is, but volunteering with the Rock'n'Roll Camp for Girls is an amazing way to meet strong, interesting women-identified-people from around the world. Look it up in your area, get in your car, and go help out.

What's a good "just because I think you're the best ever" gift for my friend?

Flowers, my new book Calling Dr. Laura, Cassie's book Fine Fine Music, some chocolates from Lagusta's Luscious, or a Lil' Bub totebag.   

This person I like seems desperate, like they would hook up with anyone willing. Should I even bother, or am I going to be another warm body?

Firstly, you sound a little judgmental and like you are painting them with a very broad brush. Can you investigate their current desperation situation without getting too far in?
If it is true, that they are throwing themselves around indiscriminately, then it sounds like you might catch something. Pass on the opportunity, unless you also are hard up and can see this as a purely functional arrangement. Like just to get your vibes rolling, or for physical fitness.

I think I have a drinking problem. What should I do?

Go to AA, duh.
Not a joke. Just go there. Can your excuses about not wanting a higher power, and just step into some meetings. DO IT.

What do you feel is the best way to memorialize Whitney Houston? How did you?

With karaoke, recording a cover song, making a zine about her life or painting a portrait of her.  

How do I hit "Rock Bottom" already?

Make out with a puppet. See example: Graham.

Should I dye my greys?

Only if they are blended in with some other hideous hair color you are trying to hide.
Otherwise, be grey and free! Distinguished!

Best place for water sports apart from a bath tub?

A tarp. A bed with a rubber sheet. The kitchen or the back yard. Or a bucket!!!

Unsolicited Advice, re:Home Euthanasia

Photo by Chelsey Johnson, 2008

Hello, Readers.
As you  may or may not know, I am keeper to two very geriatric dogs. Beija, who is recovering from cancer, and Wishbone, the senile terrier.  As of this week, I am down to one dog.

We had Wishbone put down (you can read her obituary here) on Monday, and I wanted to give you the most valuable advice that my sister gave to me: Have your pets put down at home.

Secondly (and this is from me), look into Euthanasia far in advance, so that when the time comes and your mind and heart are all fogged up and confused, you know what your bottom line is.

If you have pets, please take a moment and consider this.

I know that you are attached to your animal, but don't worry- magical thinking isn't real. If you accept that Euthanasia and death are and option, it is not the same as putting a hex on your creature. What it is, is making a plan for the future to give them the gift of a compassionate, swift exit from a failing body.

It's just like a living will- consider under what conditions you would and would not want to be alive if you were them. Also consider what you are willing to do, medically, to keep them alive. What is fair to them, what is fair to you, and what you can afford. It's vulgar and awful to even mention money when considering your best friend's life, but it's real.

For my dogs I've assessed their quality of life (happiness, mobility, appetite, comfort), then their age.
You can also consult an official Quality of Life Scale as your pet ages, to keep track of changes and discomforts that may have happened so gradually you take them for granted. Here is another one.


About home euthanasia:
 It is such a "duh", I can't believe I never considered it before being lectured by my sweet sister on how it was the right thing to do.  I didn't even realize it was an option.

A kind, professional veterinarian came to our home, administered a sedative, and then the final O.D. to stop Wishbone's heart.
Wishbone got to die while laying on my chest, sleeping. She was so at peace, she didn't even lift her head the whole time the vet was in our home.
She didn't have to be transported to another venue full of bright lights and unfamiliar smells.
Another bonus was that Beija got to be a part of the process. She got to sniff Wishbone after she was gone, and understood immediately what had happened. This might sound morbid to you, but it saved Beija from having the anxious searching that dogs sometimes have for their companions when they don't know why or where they've gone.

In Oregon, I recommend Compassionate Care Pet Euthanasia.
They were kind, professional, and handled all of the after-death issues as well (cremation, etc).

Be well, love your pets, and thank you for reading this and considering this in advance.

n.g.

Live Advice from Gridlords, Part I

Dear Nicole, 
My mom is a scrappy & obstinate 59 year old. She plans to move soon to a smaller, easier to manage and maintain home due to health issues and gradually waning physical strength. I am her only remaining child & will be doing approximately 90% of the grunt work involved in the move. How can I appeal to her (should I?) to jettison the 100+ bowling balls she has obsessively & randomly collected over the last 10 years? I will have to pack, move, & unpack these goddamned things! WHAT TO DO?

Dear Bowling Ball Child,
You need to say: "Mom, I love you. I am happy to help you  move, but I cannot move those bowling balls. I just can't do it. They are unwieldy and it is stressing me out. I'll help you with everything else.
If you want to keep them, we need to find you some movers."

 Dear Nicole,
I was raised without a t.v., and up until now, lived as an adult without internet, or most technologies. However, I just got and iPhone. I realize I have no ability to tune out media. How do I learn to not be constantly sucked in?

Dear iPhone K-hole,
First of all, buy this print by Dan Moynihan, because TIME IS FLEETING. 
 Then get off the internet.
A few rules: when you are around other human beings, especially ones you don't see every day, stay off your phone. Keep your ringer off. At meals? Stow it. Having a conversation? Ignore it. At home and want to commune with loved ones instead of zone out like an alien? Keep the ringer off and put it in a drawer.
If  you have a real problem, like you can't get any work done or you think it is effecting your relationships, enlist someone (your spouse or friends) to remind you to quit it if you slip and use your iphone when you are supposed to be working or communicating with physical humans.
There is a guy who hired a woman to come to his house and slap him across the face whenever he looked at Facebook instead of doing his job. Get that, only don't pay them.
Also, there are programs you can download to shut down your internet while you are working. Check it out!

Dear Nicole, 
How do I tell a relation (whom I love) that he's selfish and a big sponge, without ruining our relationship forever?

Dear Truther,
You can't!
All you can do is make boundaries and take care of yourself so that person can't sponge off of you.
Accept that they are a lovable mooch, they're not going to think about you (because as you said, they are "selfish"), and that you just aren't going to do them copious favors or give them money. They'll be fine, they'll survive, and you won't have to give them anything that makes you uncomfortable or resentful.

Telling that person your harsh judgments of them is not going to strengthen your relationship or make them a better person.

Dear Nicole, 
Sometimes when I wipe my butt after pooping, there's blood. Is that what being a woman is like? Should I bring this up on dates so I seem more relatable? Please help. 

Dear Everyone,
Do you see the kinds of "questions" I have to put up with when I do live advice? People testing my knowledge of math and physics, people asking personal questions about my love life, people asking hogwashy philosophical questions to be cute. and now this. A man asking me if blood coming out of your butt is what it's like to be a woman.
Dear Person,
No, that is not what it's like to be a woman. THANKS FOR ASKING!
Never mention this to a woman. 
Go see a doctor, stop straining so hard, and gimme a break. That is my advice.

Speed Advice from Short Run: Part II

Good Morning, Advice Lovers!
I present Part II of live speed advice given at the Short Run Small Press Fest in Seattle, Washington last month. Read on. 

How can I make shoes at home?

Staple a strip of cloth to a piece of wood and then slide your foot in there. Voila, it's a shoe!
Or, use empty Kleenex boxes.


Dear Nichole, 
The ghost of my dead cat keeps visiting me at night when I sleep. How can I tell her spirit that it's okay to rest now? 
Signed, Haunted

Dear Haunted,
I think it's more a matter of you resting and letting go. Do you know what I mean?
It is important, once the initial grieving process is over, to take down the giant shrine that you've made to your dead cat. A photo (or pet portrait, ahem) is fine, but if you have many kitten and cat photos strewn around the house, or her collar on your bedside table, you are haunting yourself with the ghost of feline past, and it will not help your brain move on to the present and put your sweet cat to rest.
Tell her, audibly, that you loved her so much, but it's time to go now. She'll understand. 
If your cat persists, then perhaps she is a part of your psyche that represents something else.
But what?

Name one song based on crows. NOT BLACK BIRDS!

This is not advice.
But how about any song by Counting Crows? Mr Jones? I know that doesn't count, and I'm sorry for reminding you that that song exists at all.

What do you think of Cross-Fit? Is it a fad, or a good exercise program?

I think Cross-Fit looks very difficult, which is great. It doesn't matter if it's a fad or not. It probably is a fad, but so what- it's better to vary your exercise routine and work out different muscles at different difficulties than to do non-fad things endlessly for your whole life. What's not an exercise fad, walking? Zzzzzzzz.
All of that said, please be careful if you do Cross-Fit. If you are not used to the crazy things they make you do, you may damage something, so make sure you are honest with your self and your body, don't try to be a hero about it, and listen to your instructor.

Who let the dogs out?

Who? Who, who?

How do you get WiFi up in this piece?

I never found out- I just used 3G.
Ask the front desk.

What should I do to kill time at Short Run when my bf is wandering for hours?

It depends if you are at a table or not. If you are stuck at a table,
construct narratives in your head about each person who approaches your spot.
Imagine a story line for them, and how they are related to the person who walked by before them.
Are they swingers? Step-brothers? Co-workers at a rat milking factory?

I also like to imagine how much better every person would look with a good haircut.
I used to do this when I went to Midnight Mass with my family on Xmas. I would give every lady a black bouffant hairdo in my mind, like Michelle Mae from the Makeup. She had some of THE BEST hair I had ever seen on a contemporary person. They looked great.  

If all else fails,
Go buy the Bad Roommate Zine from my table, hole up somewhere and read it.

Speed Advice from Short Run: Part I

I'm back! 
My dog/horcrux had cancer and it felt like I was dying, so I couldn't wrap my brain around your advice questions for a time, but now she is back up and running and thusly, so am I. 

I am here to deliver fast answers to burning questions received during the Short Run Small Press Fest in Seattle Washington. 

Enjoy. 

How do you deal with Mother-in-laws? Am-I-Right?

You treat them kindly, respectfully, and politely and you do not burden your husband/wife with what an a-hole you may think your mother in law is, because it is THEIR mother and they have to deal not only with her but also you (!!!) and it will stress them out.
You can minorly vent, but seriously don't make it his/her problem.

 What should I do when I give my cat rabies?

Put your cat to sleep, because now it has rabies.

What should a person do when they are right and everyone else is wrong?

Great question. Well first you should check and make sure your name isn't Nicole J. Georges, because that is technically the space *I* occupy, but after that, be polite to people and don't tell them they're always wrong or they won't want to be around you any more. Just pretend like what they are saying is right some times and then go home and tell your dog or your girlfriend how righteous and correct you are about all things.

How can I bring a chicken into my life?

1. Ask your neighbors
2. Ask the landlord
3. Build/obtain a high-security coop (VERY IMPORTANT)
4. Scope some chickens on Craigslist.
5. Go get them from a chicken-hoarders house and make sure you have a security plan in place in case you get trapped in a chicken cage and sold as livestock.
5.5. Do not get chicks from a random store- they probably come from a hatchery, which is as good as buying a Butterball (tm) turkey from the market, cruelty-wise. There are plenty of chickens around who are from reputable places where their mothers are not kept in battery cages and whose little brothers don't get ground up alive. Seriously, people-  LOOK IT UP. 
6. Bring home chickens, feed them, water them, collect eggs & clean their home once a week or more.

Who is going to win the election?

President Obama.

Mozart?

Sure. Not advice.

Do you think 30 years old is too young to give in to only wearing stretch pants 4 EVA?

Not if the stretch pants are leggings. Leggings are very "in" right now, and offer the comfort of a stretch or sweat  pant without the unsightly sight of actually wearing a sweat pant in public. I recommend leggings and tights, young 30 something.

How does one keep from being consumed by jealousy when people are getting more money for their inferior zine?

Just know that money doesn't always follow talent, and fewer people will want to buy your zine is you look like a bitter old jealous shrew. Plenty of untalented people get rewarded for their art all the time. Have you ever heard of Gallagher?

 Just do something that you like and that makes you happy so that when you go home with a stack of 10000 unsold zines at the end of the day you'll at least be able to enjoy them.


That's all for now, folks. I will post the rest of these in Speed Advice from Short Run: Part II next week! 

xoxoxoxo
n.g.

Order my new calendar and support my dog's life! http://etsy.com/shop/spinstersummer

Ergh, Rapists.

This is the face I made when I read this question:

Dear Nicole, 
I am having an ethical crisis: I met this guy and we have amazing chemistry, it makes me dizzy. I don't want to date, I just want a booty call for brutal raunch and for this he seemed perfect. Then I told a friend about it and she told me she knew him and that he raped her. I believe her- it's the kind of "acquaintance rape" scenario that happens all the time- but I still think he's hot. I feel terrible. Is it condoning rape and rape culture to sleep with him? 

What about just thinking he's hot? 

When I told a different friend about the situation, she said she thinks most guys would bone a sleeping girl. Is that true?!

Signed, 
Someone with a Boner for Bad Guys


Dear Someone,

This question is upsetting! Here's the short of it:

1. Do not reward him for his bad behavior by sleeping with this guy.

2. There are so so many handsome dudes who would love to have brutally raunchy sex with you who are not rapists.  Move on.

3. I don't want him to rape you! Tell him to buzz off!

4. If I was your friend and I knew you'd continued to bone my rapist, it would make me physically ill.

5. Can you still think he's hot? I'm not going to play Portland Mind-Police here. You can thinking whomever you want is hot. Even if they are the worst person in the world.
Black hearted sociopaths are sometimes handsome and have a dangerous thing going for them.
They, like all feral animals, are for looking but not touching.

In real life, find someone nice and then just pretend they're a BHS from time to time.

Au revoir!

n.g.

P.s. Your friend who said that "most guys" would bone a sleeping girl is TRIP-PING. Ugh! Argh! Blargh! I am rolling around on the ground Argh-ing and hitting my head against the wall right now just thinking of the idea that she even told you that.
What! What planet.... Who.... What!?
Was she born in a garbage can and raised by rats??? No! Not true. Girlfriend needs to splash some water on her face and break free of the scum bags who made her think that.

What is this, Elm Street? 9, 10 Never sleep again, or your might get RAPED? Jesus Christ!

Dating As the Dust Settles

Dear Nicole, 
Me and someone have a longtime crush. They just broke up with their partner. 
Both of these revelations came at the same time. 
How do I stay out of the breakup shrapnel zone so I don't get ripped
up and can have my own dang relationship?

Signed, 
Trying to Keep it Cool


Dear Cool,

Do you want this to become something other than a fling?
If so, I advise you to cool your jets.

Take some physical space for at least 2 weeks (preferable
two MONTHS)  to give your
crush some room to be sad and not fill that feelings-hole with
you.
Then start slow, like actual dating.

A Side Note, Confidential to Lesbians across the U.S.:
"Dating" is a prolonged series of short hangouts intended for you 
to suss out if someone is a good romantic fit before you 
spend every waking moment together & dive into a 
super-bonded faux marriage.
Sometimes *some* people become overwhelmed with their feelings
(or p*ssy) and chain themselves to someone whose 
faults they don't even know yet. To those I say, 
chill! Date! Date around!

Anyway, back to Cool,
Be strict! Your crush will be lonely and you will be
excited, and it will be tough to say no,
but chew a stick if you have to and wait it out.
If your crush has lasted this long, it can sustain
another couple of weeks/months while the dust is
settling. 

Last but not least, think of the feelings of the
person your crush is breaking up with. You need
to respect their space, the relationship they've had
that is falling apart, and give them some time to
have a proper funeral.

Good luck!

n.g.

Relationship Rock, with input from Katy Davidson!

Dear Nicole, 

My boyfriend and I are in a band together. He's been playing

in bandsforever, but this band is the first band he's played

in that takes it seriously and tours a lot. 

I've been in a somewhat a little popular band, and I'm a lot

more recognized in town. For this band, my boyfriend writes 

almost all of the music, and I mostly write the

vocal parts and sing and play keyboards live. 

He also does a lot of the design. 

He does a lot of work for the band.
 

Because I'm more established in town and in the rest of the 

country, I get recognized a lot more for the band than he

does.

He feels like I overshadow him, even though he feels like he 

contributes more, and I think he resents me for it. 

He gets credit for everything on the albums, and I try to 

give him credit when I'm in conversations with other people.

 It's making him feel bad that people are excited that
"I" have a new project, and they often overlook his 

contributions and give me more credit than I deserve. 

Is there anything I can do about
either other people's perceptions, or his perception 

that his work goes unrecognized?

Signed, 

Reluctant in Rhode Island

Dear Reluctant, 

You deserve whatever respect you are receiving from music 

fans in your hometown and across the nation. 

This IS "Your New Project". 

You are involved, people who like you get to hear your voice

and influence. You should be able to enjoy the attention you 

are receiving for hard work you've done in the past and today. 

It's also your boyfriend's New Project, and if he is getting

people to listen to his music and support his art because 

they are already a fan of yours, then he should be glad.

What's the big deal? He is getting more attention 

than he would have before because he has teamed up with you. 

Let's pause for a minute to note: This problem has nothing to

do with music and everything to do with ego. 

People can read. If they read the album notes they can see 

that he writes the songs.

It's fine if they're still excited about your involvement. 

I have been on music tours with band-mates who were

(deservedly)more recognized than myself for their art. 

I have been on literary tours with authors who were

(deservedly) more recognized than myself for their art. 

I received the benefit of a wider audience based on these

people deciding to work with me or take me along. I had no

reason to resent them for their past accomplishments.

I just felt grateful and lucky to be involved. 

Do you think everyone in the Corin Tucker band is just 

seething at all times because she's getting attention for 

the band? No! That would be insane. 

They are happy to be PLAYING MUSIC TOGETHER.

I asked musician Katy Davidson her input on this question,

and her answer was simple. To paraphrase:

 "Tell the dude to take his ego out of it and

focus on the music." 

I concur. 

Regarding credit:

It is great that you make an effort to give your boyfriend 

credit where credit is due, both personally, in public, and 

conversationally.

It is great that you validate his contributions to the band. 

That's all you can do. Keep doing it. 

The rest is up to him. 

Please don't apologize for your success. 

Sincerely, 

N.G.  

Katy Davidson has been playing music professionally for a

long long time. Her most recent musical project is called

Key Losers. She is also one half of the groovy duo 

Lloyd and Michael. 

She is currently touring the globe playing keyboards

in Gossip. Find out more about Katy here. 

By the way, the Corin Tucker Band released a new video

TODAY! Check them out, they are on tour right now!   

Gossiping and the Poly Perspective

Dear Nicole, 
When is something considered gossip? Can there be positive/nice gossip?
-Gilly in Germania

Dear Gilly,
Here's an anticdote that may or may not resonate with you: 

Several years ago I was talking to a friend (let's call her Gomer) who'd been hanging out with a new group of partying queers.
Gomer said, "I don't understand why they are friends with each other- all they do is talk behind each others backs".
I hadn't ever heard anyone actually say this out loud before and I thought it was important:
If you choose someone to be your friend, then you are saying you like that person, and you should treat them as such. Which might mean not saying mean or weird things about them behind their backs.
 
 If you are saying nice things behind a friend's back, it's not gossip- it's just talking nice (which is very feminist).

If you are talking about a friend's problems or behavior behind their back and it's not for a specifically helpful purpose  (i.e. you are rallying the troops to have an intervention or getting advice you WILL USE when dealing with a difficulty that's arisen), then you are gossiping.

Now listen- some people are unabashed gossips and they don't care. Hey- if you want to talk bad about everyone you know and cultivate weird vibes, that's your business. Own it!
Don't pretend like you were doing something inherently therapeutic by spreading other people's business. "VENTING" ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS TO OTHER PEOPLE THEY KNOW IS NOT THERAPY. It's gossip.

If you must vent, I think it is okay for you to speak freely about your friends with one intimate partner who can listen to you and keep their nose out of it. If you don't have that, then one friend who (ideally) does not know them is fine.

Because you know what is the worst? When you've been a party to some gossip about a friend and then you see them and you have this film of weirdness over your entire body because you have just been brewing and stewing bad vibes behind their back and now here you are trying to have a kind conversation to their face. No thank you.

Another thing about gossip: If you are traveling or working in close proximity to other people (i.e. You are on tour or in an office together), I recommend you do NOT gossip about them to other people you are traveling/working with!
This is a tour "Do" that I learned along the way- if you need to vent, save it up and do it at a friend's house on a day or night off. It's better then being in cahoots with someone else in the van/office and sullying the good vibes of the team.

Take care, Gilly, and don't you DARE say anything behind my back!

n.g.

p.s. I admit to being a full-fledged frothing at the mouth gossip sometimes. But not always. I try! 

Dear Nicole, 
From a poly perspective:  Should I tell my current sexual partners that one of my partners is pregnant with my child?
 -Knocking Up in Yonkers

Dear Knocking,

I don't think you  need to tell a sexual partner that your current partner is knocked up unless you are planning to sleep with them more than three times, and/or get into something more significant than a short term bone-sesh. If you find yourself gazing dreamily at them after encounter number two and suspect this may go further than a roll in the hay, I say disclose. You don't want them to pin any hopes on you that you can't fulfill.
 
Good luck, and tell that baby "Hello" for me.

n.g.

p.s. I am advising you with the assumption that your pregnant partner knows and is totally kosher with your polyamorous ways.

Groat Techniques for Football Players and You

Dear Nicole,
 You once said you made a great raw breakfast dish with groats, tell me how! 
 Sincerely Groatesque

Dear Groatesque, 

I'm glad you asked!
Buckwheat groats (hulled buckwheat) are unroasted, whole, raw, or white buckwheat kernels

"Consuming groats has become increasingly popular among NFL players, who often cite the sustained energy that groats provide. " -Wikipedia

I eat groats every single morning. 
Many people dehydrate their groats. I do not. 

Here is what I do:

First, Soak a cup of groats in a bowl of water (covered) overnight. That's 8 hours to you. 

Next, rinse the slime (yes, slime) off the groats in a colander. 

Keep them in the colander! Put it over a bowl so they can drip their slime into it. 

Cover the colander with a lid or a towel, and keep the groats moist for another 4-8 hours, 
or until they grow the smallest of tails. This may require you re-rinsing them every 2 hours or so.

DO NOT LET THE TAILS GET TOO LONG. It's not the end of the world if you do, 
but if they get long tadpole tails they will start tasting like a sprout, which is a bit strong and earthy for a morning cereal, don't you agree?

This photo shows groats with tails that are too long. Try for ones that are short. Short little white tails that haven't had the chance to curl yet.

After they have short tails, you can keep them in a tightly sealed Tupperware in the refrigerator for (in my experience) 3-4 days. I keep extra sprouted groats in the freezer and defrost them when I'm ready to eat them. 

The groats will have metamorphosed into something different than a grain, they will now spread their wings and become a vegetable. 


"When you sprout groats they become a vegetable instead of a grain. That transformation makes them easier to digest."-A commenter whose photo made them look like they knew what they were talking about

I prepare my morning groat-meal (har har) by spooning some groats into a bowl with soy yogurt and fruit. Add sweetener if you must.

Here is a photo some stranger posted of their groats with fruit and rice milk.

Note: A lot of people dehydrate theirs. I like the texture of a soaked, hydrated groat, so I don't.
If you see a vine coming out of my nose at some point, then perhaps I was wrong.
In the meantime, I'm fine. I think they are tasty, toothsome little bits. Add them to a raw parfait with cashew cream and fruit and die of happiness.
 

I will be honest: I got most of this advice from a blog called Raw Love .