Dating As the Dust Settles

Dear Nicole, 
Me and someone have a longtime crush. They just broke up with their partner. 
Both of these revelations came at the same time. 
How do I stay out of the breakup shrapnel zone so I don't get ripped
up and can have my own dang relationship?

Signed, 
Trying to Keep it Cool


Dear Cool,

Do you want this to become something other than a fling?
If so, I advise you to cool your jets.

Take some physical space for at least 2 weeks (preferable
two MONTHS)  to give your
crush some room to be sad and not fill that feelings-hole with
you.
Then start slow, like actual dating.

A Side Note, Confidential to Lesbians across the U.S.:
"Dating" is a prolonged series of short hangouts intended for you 
to suss out if someone is a good romantic fit before you 
spend every waking moment together & dive into a 
super-bonded faux marriage.
Sometimes *some* people become overwhelmed with their feelings
(or p*ssy) and chain themselves to someone whose 
faults they don't even know yet. To those I say, 
chill! Date! Date around!

Anyway, back to Cool,
Be strict! Your crush will be lonely and you will be
excited, and it will be tough to say no,
but chew a stick if you have to and wait it out.
If your crush has lasted this long, it can sustain
another couple of weeks/months while the dust is
settling. 

Last but not least, think of the feelings of the
person your crush is breaking up with. You need
to respect their space, the relationship they've had
that is falling apart, and give them some time to
have a proper funeral.

Good luck!

n.g.

Rapid Fire and Lengthy Advice.

What is the best way to deal with a friend who has been complaining about their girlfriend for years, saying the same things over and over and just sounding like a harsh jerk?

Tell her to quit her girlfriend or quit talking to you about it because it's making you feel weird about her girlfriend and/or just stressing you out.


How cougar is cougar?

It depends on your age.
If the younger person is under 25, I'd say around 8-10 years would officially be a cougar or chicken hawk situation.
If the younger person is over 25, you can boost that up to between 10 & 15 years.
Coug on.
BUT
Don't date anyone you've been in a mentorship role with. That's called grooming and it's inappropriate, Mary Kay Letourneau territory.













How do you cope with an obsessive worry about impending nuclear drift?

I have a couple of websites for you to look at.
This one is from the Radiation Network, an independent group measuring radiation around the U.S. .
The second is Oregon's webpage listing current hazards.
Oregon doesn't want their citizens to perish or look like Blinky the fish. Trust in them!

If it's still bugging you,
Have some miso soup with kombu, sprinkle some nori on your rice, and take a hot bath.
Go for a run or a bike ride to get it out of your head and know that you've done all you can.
In fact, why not take some of that nervous energy and transform it into something useful by wildly donating to the many Earthquake Relief organizations serving those most affected by the devastation in Japan.

P.S.
Maybe a radiation preparedness kit would help sooth your mind. Then you'd know that no matter what happens, you can casually throw on your gas mask, choke down some Iodide, and start driving East, confident that you've escaped the rays.



A mostly straight girl and I have exchanged interest in dating and over a month and a half have developed an intimate friendship.. not physical though. I asked her out again and she sounds super ambiguous about it still.
Part of me wants to call it quits all togeths but don't know if i risk the chance of losing our friendship. I'm conflicted. Am I kidding myself by thinking I have a chance or am I being strung along?

I borrow from a sometimes-wise friend when I say:
Anything that's not a Yes is a No.

Don't try to get into her head or guess about how much she likes you. If she's being ambiguous, then she's not ready.

She's not into you ENOUGH to dash to the head of the line and put in her application.

So move her into the "No" pile and move on.
Keep the friendship light. Lite even.
But don't waste your romantic vibes on a trifling fool.










Advice Needed:
If a friend of a friend gives you a placenta from a recent birth so your food club can eat it, do you remain in semi regular contact with her? Xmas cards? Keep up with the baby? What is the protocol?

You are under no obligation to keep in regular contact, BUT a thank you card is required. A small gift for the baby or some flowers would also be a kind way to show your thanks for the gift of her organ meat.























Dear Nicole,

I need some advice...because someone wants on with my girlfriend! The 'someone' is a friend of a very good friend, so it's not really possible to avoid her completely. My g.f. and I are in a monogamous relationship, and I don't really have a problem with how she has reacted to this situation, though I don't really understand the whole "trying to out-butch each other" thing that she and 'someone' do. My girlfriend says she doesn't like this 'someone' either, but is still friendly when we see her (as am I - it's the Midwest in me).

So this 'someone' (who has a girlfriend, btw) does all the classic B.S. - ignoring me, being way too interested in my girlfriend, doing her favors, etc. She's also got that playa playa charisma - she can talk anyone into anything. It makes me feel insanely jealous and threatened when we are around 'someone' and feel like crap for days afterwards. I also know that I have trust and self-esteem issues and this situation is aggravating them. I don't know if I should say something to 'someone', or talk to my girlfriend more about it, or maybe say something to the mutual friend?

I feel like I could use some psychic armor to wear around this 'someone' too - any recommendations?

Thanks!
-Irritated in Irvington

Dear Irvington,

Well there is NOTHING worse than a would-be homewrecker.

Look, Portland lezzies, there are plenty of dykes in the sea. Start flippin over rocks and licking toads like the rest of us did to find our dates.
You need not tread on the monogamous!

With that said, Irvington, your psychic armor is this phrase: What Will Be Will Be, and if my girlfriend can be lured away by a philandering snake oil salesman, then I'm better off without her.
Fatalistic? Perhaps, but you'll be fine either way.

Anyway, In a tragic twist of fate, the worse you feel about this and the more you pester your girlfriend, the less attractive you will seem. Unfair but true.

It would be helpful for you to set up some boundaries together.
If your girlfriend agrees and can adhere to some boundaries within your relationship, that's all you can ask for.
If your girlfriend complies and you're STILL trippin', then you need to take a chill pill or go see a therapist on your own so you do not project all of this energy onto her.

Here are my suggestions of boundaries to make clear before moving on:

1. How much they're going to hang out

In my monoga-prude perspective, if someone's trying to get with your man, then your man need not hang out with that person alone.
I'm not saying they shouldn't be pals - You WANT your person to have friends, but one on one is too intimate and date-y to me.
It seems a little QUEER to me.

2. The favors

Your girlfriend needs to understand that these favors are not from some Good Samaritan trying to spread joy into the world, and the more favors she accepts from this person, the more she's feeding their boner fire.
So,
a gentle non acceptance of favors isn't going to kill anyone.

Example: "Oh, you know what- I found someone to help me move. Thank you so much for offering, though... bro. "

Instead of:
"Wow, thanks for helping me move AND unpacking my stuff AND offering to try out my new bed for me! That is so awesome of you! You know what? I WOULD like a massage, after all. You wouldn't mind? Oh, that's great, that's greeeaattttttt......."

NOTE: These boundaries or interactions need to come from the mouth of your girlfriend to the ears of the dunce who is courting her.
You shall be elsewhere, enjoying your life independently as your girlfriend fields all questions, calls and come ons.

Good luck and take care.

(If all else fails, there's a great song called
"Hit That Bitch With A Bottle" that I like. Maybe you can listen to that on repeat as you hit a punching bag or try out kick boxing, so that you don't engage in any actual girl on girl violence. OR... just hit that bitch with a bottle. )

Boiling a frog and other live advice for adults only.

Hello!
First, I must disclose that I'm on the tail end of a cold and a little bit out of it. What better time to drum up some answers? If you find a sentence that makes no sense or looks composed by an infant, please blame it on the fog in my head this chilly November afternoon.

I had a live show with Play/Start and Eighteen Individual Eyes last month,and I wanted to share the advice questions & answers with you.
My next event will be at Mississippi Pizza on Thanksgiving Eve, so show up with your anonymous crabs questions in hand!

What can I say to Bank of America to make them (or an employee) un-close my account?? They're EVIL!!!

I would guess that you did something to merit your account closing. In either case, whether you were in the right or the wrong, just take your money to a credit union or a coffee can under your bed. Who wants to deal with Bank of America anyway?


For my 30th birthday next weekend should I get wasted downtown and do a queer takeover of the Barracuda Club or go apple picking?


You've made it this far without getting gay bashed, so why change all of that by showing up to the mouth of beast on your thirtieth birthday?
I say don't chance it. Go apple picking during the day and go to someplace that naturally accepts you, like a queer dance night, at night. No need to feel tension or hate-vibes on your big day!




I'm a transgendered guy but my wife doesn't know. Should I tell her? If so, how?!

I'm pretty sure this is a fake question. It's 2010, this question was submitted on stage at a gay music night in Portland, Oregon, and you're no Billie Tipton.

But in the case that you are, I say go with it. She probably already knows on some level and is living in a deep state of denial. Don't deny her that. Turn off the lights, warm up the apparatus, and enjoy your time together.

OR MAYBE (a la Clue, I'm going to give you a second ending)

MAYBE you got married as lesbians and now you want to come OUT as a trans dude? In which case, try casually testing the waters by showing her pictures of hot trans guys on Facebook and gauge her reaction.

Try starting a conversation about bi-sexuality and see where it goes.

Like a frog in a pot of boiling water, just turn up the heat a little every day. Try packing one day, binding the next! Wear a moustache to bed or a backwards baseball cap!
Then give her some kava kava to loosen up and tell her that your destiny is to be a guy.
She'll either be in or she won't, but hopefully by the time you spill the beans you'll be prepared for her response.


Lately I've noticed that I find more and more items from places like Sears or JC Penny's to be increasingly cute/ desireable. Is this because design is getting better... or is it because I'm getting older?
signed, M.I. Frumpy


Dear potential Frumpster,
I personally think that fashion is swinging our way right now (the fashion of Gretchen Jones aside). There are cute things happening at Sears and JC Penny! You aren't necessarily a frumpster just yet.
If you want to keep it real, get a punk haircut or a facial tattoo or something. Then now matter if you're wearing an over-sized cowl neck sweater or not, you'll still feel connected to youth culture.





I prefer clear cut bush- what's the most tactful way to ask a dating partner to take it down to the skin?


Eek!
Like I recommended to a previous advice-seeker, I say get your date a little bit tipsy and look at some photos together.
Or start a discussion or a fake anectdote :
"Oh, I heard that so and shaves their crotch completely! It sure seems smooth, and what a way to cool down in the summertime....." something like that.
See what she thinks.

Start slow with some trimming shears, maybe a hair cut, then introduce shaving cream. Say it's a kink! See what she thinks.
But I warn you not to shear an unwilling participant. Better to find an already bald partner than to scar a bush-lover for life.



When you're in a relationship, should you throw out all the sex toys you've used with old girlfriends and get all new ones?

Yes and no.
If you have an apparatus you purchased WITH someone else, like you both gripped it and agreed on girth, pooled your money or bought it as a present for the other, then yes- don't be a cheapskate, just throw it away.

New money will come to you , and it's better than having the ghost of christmas past attached to your phallus.

HOWEVER, perhaps you have one that you bought on your own, string-free, and have used here and there along the way. I think you can keep that one in good faith. (Boil it, duh).

Ultimately, it's up to your new lover.
If they say scrap it, or don't want your par-boiled thing around, just pony up the money for something new.
Light a money candle, spin around three times , and you'll find a way.


What should I name my baby?
Thanks! - Jane Doe


Oh that's easy. Just name it Crackers, like Divine's baby in Pink Flamingos. A better baby name I cannot imagine.


I have a coworker who insists on bringing her pennywhistle to work and playing it! She is so proud of her penny whistle-playing skills , but really it is just annoying to everyone. What can I do to stop the pennywhister without hurting her feelings? Sincerely, not a penny lover

Sorry Radical Honesty yahoos, but this will require a bit of lying.
Just walk in one Monday holding your ear and say you either have an ear infection or blew out your ear drum at a concert over the weekend.

Say that any high pitched noises will cause you a world of pain. The penny whistler will either get the hint, or you'll have a "genuine" medical excuse to politely ask her to can it.
Keep it up for a while and eventually the whistle will stop coming to work at all.

If she resurrects her parlor trick later on, just grab your ear and fall to the floor, blaming it on your bum ear.



What is the best comeback?

This is for someone you've been seeing, or even live with.
If they try to break up with you , just say

"Oh... I didn't even know we were dating. Whoa... this must be awkward for you..." .

I think I've given this advice before in a previous column , but it still stands up.



I need to get rid of the tiny ants in my kitchen. Cayenne & citrus haven't worked!
Sincerely, Ants in my Pants

Put some borax in some honey and leave it out for them. The ants will eat it, grasp their little throats and go "!!!!" then keel over. It worked for a lady I babysat for, it can work for you.


What is a good tattoo idea?


An anchor. Or a realistic picture of a bird.



What should we consider if we want to use her brother's sperm to make a baby inside me? How do we keep him "uncle" and not "Dad" ?


Consider using a lawyer and making it clear that he's not "Dad".


My genitals itch. What's up?

You probably have a yeast infection.


No, Seriously. My genitals itch. What. Is. Up!?

YOU PROBABLY HAVE A YEAST INFECTION!!!
Go to the Doctor ,
OR , if you self diagnose as yeast, skip the garlic-on-a-string and go get some Monistat.
Also, don't ride your bike for a week or two.



When giving a dude a hand job what do I do with the balls?

Do nothing with the balls unless asked.
They're really tricky, and kind of delicate, so err on the side of caution and touch them not!
Or just ask. In a sultry whisper way...


How do I tell my neo-nazi friends that I'm jewish? Do you think they'll still like me?

Fake question. Again, received at a queer music night in Portland, Oregon.
Don't have neo nazi friends is my answer.
Also, don't bring neo nazis to a queer show! Leave us out of your poor friend choices! I don't wanna be gay bashed!



How come "fingernails" are so taboo to discuss casually with lesbians & straights? -Baby Dyke

Because Lesbians use their fingers to have sex.

If your straight friends continue to quiz you on it, tell them to
Try putting a press-on-nail on the tip of a penis and let you know if it's still even a question.

BTW I got a thing in the mail about femme fisting with fingernails (By Jessika Fancy, courtesy of Jami "No Better Voice" Thompson) I'd like to share with you, dear readers.

Put cotton balls in the fingertips of a glove (a latex glove, not a dish washing glove, ahem) and THEN you can put your well manicured fingernails into the glove and go to town on your partner's genitals. Hmm!

The more you know.






I think my new boss wants in my pants. I kind of wants in hers. I don't like my job but I kinda like my boss. Thoughts?


Wait until you've put in your 2 weeks notice to ask your boss out for after-work drinks. Doing your boss before then is nothing but trouble.


Some points on grace?

I don't have a lot. BUT , say please and thank you and don't talk about people's friends in public. That's it. Oh, and cross your legs.


CONFIDENTIAL TO SCENESTERS BEHAVING BADLY:
what to do when someone you know behaves irresponsibly and fucks over your friend and then you see them around town and want to tell them that they suck?

ps - and they are friends of people you like?

This is a good time to exhibit some grace!
You could either
A) Be polite to them in public. Not overtly friendly , just polite. Just, "Hi" and a smile or something.
or
B) If you're feeling passionate, approach them online or alone and say "Hey, I really wasn't into this thing I saw happen between you and so and so, and if I act weird to you, it's because I'm trying to be supportive of them. "

Maybe they'll tell you something you don't know about the situation, who knows. Or maybe they'll just understand and you'll have some space and that will be that.

You don't have to be all Mean Girls about it, just be an adult. Let them know how you feel (or just act polite), and move on. Focus more on being a friend to your friend and an enemy to their enemies.


THE END.

Cheating and Dicks.

Dear Nicole,

I've been a queer lady for about six years now, and i'm in a pretty solid relationship with an awesome girl. I have no complaints with our sex life, but I was at a show last sunday night; and while i was trying to watch the girl performing i couldn't stop staring at this boy who was standing outside smoking. for the first time in years, i began fantasizing about hooking up with a boy. this boy. I heard him talking to one of the performers outside after the show, and this made me want it even more, but i bit my tongue and went home.
Is it silly that i feel guilty about having these thoughts?
should i tell my girlfriend?

sincerely, Confused Guilt-trip

Dear Confused Guilt Trip,

Hi there.
Even the most hardcore of lesbians have moments where they've thought about dudes.
Okay okay, not ALL of them, but a good portion of them have.
Some of them justify their dude-humping wants by saying they identify as fags themselves, and the rest just eat their feelings of straight guilt and never tell a soul.
You fall into the latter category.
HOWEVER,
I think you should not feel guilty.
Also,
Don't tell your girlfriend.
There is nothing worse than having to deal with the hassle of having your girlfriend question whether or not you are straight.
No amount of frottage can free you once you've put it in her head that a straight dude could bend you over (in a non-faggy way) at any time.

The want for straight sex, in most cases, is a passing thing.
When you look at that guy and think about him boning you, the next thought i advise is to think of how you'd feel the next day hanging out with him and a bunch of his straight dude friends.
That should chase you right back into the ocean, where you'll swim for the Isle of Lesbos again without looking back.
Good Luck.

p.s. Confidential to butch lesbian readers: there is nothing more insufferable for a femme lesbian than the butch who endlessly badgers her about being straight. If she was straight, she would have bolted at the first sight of your sports bra clad bosom. I promise she can tell the difference between you and a dude, and unless heavily medicated , has made a solid decision to fuck you, a woman, BECAUSE SHE IS GAY.






hey nicole,

my partner and i are at a fork in the road. he's got a serious crush on
someone, and was reluctant to tell me about it, until i accidentally
found out (after they professed their crushes to each other). we've
been having problems, and while he says the crush and our relationship
are independent of each other, i feel they're completely related.

i know he loves me but i feel sad he's just not there when we're
spending time together; i know he's thinking about her. as his best
friend, i want to encourage him to follow his crush and his heart, but
as his partner i feel absolutely crushed by the situation. it's a
classic case of the 'emotional affair' but i suspect that's a
narrow-minded view of relationships. what do you think?

confused and crushed




Hi Confused and Crushed.

Your boyfriend's job (as your boyfriend) is to be there for you.
Physically and Emotionally. Whether or not he is in a sea of someone else's pussy. This would be true if you guys were monogamous or otherwise.

I wouldn't worry that he has a crush. It happens to the best of us, and comes with the terrain of being human.
What worries me is that this is coming to pass whilst you are having problems.
What worries me the most is that he is secretly sort of pursuing it and egging on the intrigue.


If your boyfriend wants to be with you in a monogamous way, I say he quits this girl cold turkey until such a time when you feel comfortable or he has doused the flames of his desire (this could be months or years depending on the dude).


If you want to open your relationship up, the best time to do that is when you are tight with each other and trusting. And it doesn't feel like right now is that time. If you decide that it's something you want to do, your dude needs to understand that you will be needing his attentions when you're together, not the scraps he has leftover from the La La Land that accompanies a new, uncomplicated crush.

If your boyfriend chooses none of these options, then ball up and bail out. It takes some courage, but is ultimately better than a life lived on scraps.








Duck Portrait by Ali Liebegott

Reverse Psychology (with special guests Graham & Diane) Boom.

Dear Faithful Readers,

This week I am honored to present a video installment of the advice column, starring special guests Graham and Diane.

Graham and Diane are a duo from Toronto who produce my favorite videos on the internet week after week.
I was lucky enough to borrow some of their time to answer your questions about eyeliner, baby talk, and love.


If you would like to see more videos of Graham and Diane in action, please visit them here .

B12 Vitamins, Brokeness, Prudishness, and Boundaries

Dear Nicole,

I have just moved to a new city, a new country actually, I have been here for almost 2 months now and I still haven't found a job. I'm not being picky, I have a degree and I am experienced and have applying to every fricking job I come across! It's totally depressing and I am slowly but surely running out of money. I was just wondering if you have any advice on what I could do for a bit of cash in the mean time?

Thanks,

Broke.


Dear Broke,

Here are a couple of ideas.

-dress in a weird costume and let people take polaroids with you for money in a -downtown tourist area
-Sell Crafts on the street
-sell baked goods on the street
-babysit
-dog walk
-apply as an on-call caregiver
-become a "phone actress"


Dear Nicole,
I have been dating a woman for a few months now and I have very strong feelings for her. However, we have only had sex one time, early on in the relationship. After that time, she revealed to me that during sex, my male identity was triggering for her (I'm ftm and she has been lesbian identified since she was a teenager and has not dated an ftm before). She obviously cares for me as well as we have continued dating and we are very affectionate in our relationship. I am missing having a sexual connection with her and would like your advice on how to bring this up without feeling like I'm pressuring her or giving her an ultimatum. In no way do I want to coerce her or make her feel like it's her job as my girlfriend to provide me with sexual gratification, but this is something that I'm sad we are not experiencing together. I'm just confused about how to open up dialogue about this and express my sexual desires without seeming like a douchebag. Any help
would be greatly appreciated.

Nonsexual in Northeast (Portland)


Dear Nonsexual,



It sounds like if you want to have sex (and comfortable sex, not feeling-weird-about-your-gender-because-you-might-be-triggering-someone sex), then this is not the person for you.
If you keep dating this person and never have sex again, I'm going to feel really bummed for you.


In a perfect world, the girl you're dating would be writing for advice, not you.
If she is uncomfortable having sex with a man, why date a man? Maybe she thought it would be different because you were an ftm and then realized she was mistaken. The onus is on her to be the responsible one and break up, not to prude out and make you date her anyway!

Being on the other side of a frigid partner is insecurity food. Get out of there!



It is not crazy, selfish, or wrong for you to want to have sex with the person you're dating.
Sex is what takes her from being a friend to being a date.
You're not obligated to stick with someone who's not meeting your needs. That's what dating is for, to suss out potential partners.

What is sex good for? It's good for bonding. It's good for relieving stress. It's good for fun.

This person sounds like a really good friend, not a long term partner.

I would cut and run; but if you want to process about it (which you undoubtedly do since you live in Portland and have used the word dialogue), I would sit her down and say (this is the run-on sentence version):

"hey, i really like spending time with you. i'm sorry to say, i don't think this is going to work out.it doesn't seem like you're comfortable having sex with a man, and i can completely respect that, but you need to respect that i am a man and like to have sex and especially right now need to feel validated as a sexual guy, so i want to keep you in my life as a friend. because i really like you , blah blah blah etc etc. "

Good luck!

p.s. I know you asked for advice on how to approach her, but if after three months you've only had sex once and she doesn't seemed bothered by this, it just doesn't seem a natural match.







Dearest Nicole,

After four solid years of being a vegan, I decided to switch back to vegetarianism. For the most part, my diet hasn't changed much and I still eat the same stuff as before. I love yummy vegan food! mmm...
The reason why I decided to become a vegetarian again is because of this internal debate I've been having (pretty much for the last few years) about whether or not veganism is right. There are so many arguments in support of veganism, showing that it's morally right and sometimes also arguing that it's a more natural and healthier diet than eating meat and dairy. However, there are other arguments that would suggest otherwise. For one, the human body needs B12, which is only naturally found in meat, eggs and dairy products. This kind of destroys the idea that veganism is the *right* and *natural* diet for human beings.

Although, even without any of this information, there's still the issue of animal cruelty on dairy farms. What bothers me the most is the human race's general lack of respect towards other living things and the idea that everything is ours for the taking. Sometimes I feel like if humans just made a point to always treat animals well, even in places like dairy farms, then maybe the idea of eating dairy wouldn't be so bad to me. Because at least there's that respect.

I feel like I 'm rambling. I think of it a lot, though. Maybe I think of it a little too much, but I feel like slightly over-thinking it is still better than just becoming a vegan because that's the hip thing to do. blahhh.

I guess my questions are:

1. What is your take on veganism as a natural, healthy diet for humans and the arguments for and against veganism as the 'right' diet?
2. Would you be more comfortable with the idea of eating dairy if animals were treated well on dairy farms? Or are you just generally against the concept of eating anything from an animal no matter what?

-Vexed former Vegan


Dear Vexed,

I appreciate the amount of thought you've given to the question of how we treat animals and what we put in our body.
That said,
Let me address your pointed questions, and follow up with a short rant.

1. Veganism is a fine diet for humans.
Take a supplement and don't stress about the evolutionary aspects of vegan vs not vegan.
You do plenty of unnatural things every day (ride in an automobile, stare at a computer, hold a cell phone to your head, run on a treadmill, live your life according to clocks and calendars and not the cycles of the sun and moon) , so why draw the line at a b12 supplement and leave the animals to get fucked with?

While i'm at it, how "right" or natural is it for animals to live in cages their whole lives for human convenience and profit?

If you're going to get Adam and Eve about things, you need to go all the way or just take responsibility for arbitrarily taking evolution into consideration. If you want to eat cheese because it's easier, just say so.

2. I live in America, and so 99.9% of the dairy and eggs I come across will be from factory farms.
Thus, I need not ponder question number two. It's like asking if i was in a raft with a cow , would I eat him to survive? I never plan to be at sea with a cow, let alone in a life raft, so why wonder.

Here is my issue , VfV, with people who start incorporating cheese and eggs into their diets. Say at first you just buy goat cheese at the natural grocery store, you buy free range eggs, etc.
Once it's Okay in your mind to see these things as food, it's a slippery slope from scrambles at home to scrambles at restaurants. And most, MOST restaurants use the cheapest, most efficient dairy and eggs available to them. Thus, you are supporting the meat and dairy industry. Same with bakeries, candy bars, etc.

Maybe you have your own chickens, maybe you live in the hills of Italy with an abundance of milk giving goats who don't mind you taking a little off the top. Sure then, have an egg and cheese sandwich.

Otherwise, please remember that Free Range eggs come from chickens who are forced to lay eggs until their bodies are used up and then butchered for soup and pot pies, and that dairy is taken from animals who've been forcibly impregnated and then had their calves, kids, etc taken away from them. The milk is made to feed their young. Not me.




Dear Nicole,

I'm 25. I slept with an 18 year old high school senior. Is Jesus sad?

signed,
Confused


Dear Confused,

Yes. Go find someone your own age to sleep with.



Dear Nicole:

I have been friends with this guy for close to four years now. I told him last year how I felt about him and he admitted that he felt the same way and that I deserved someone better than him and then denied saying that.
Although it was painful for me to be so honest, he continued to be my friend and now considers us to be best friends (his words not mine).
He seems to be getting what he wants and I’m just confused. He cares about what my friends think of him, he pays me compliments which I can’t take. He and I are constantly hitting each other and I sometimes feel like its middle school again and he is trying to pull my pigtails. Whenever I have liked someone before and it didn’t go anywhere, I avoided those guys like the plague to let myself get over it. But he... he doesn’t disappear. When I don’t want to talk about something... he keeps pushing until I talk about what is bothering me. He is always around and I find I can’t move on. I need
to move on but he is big part of my life now. I care about him a great deal... but I don’t think its enough. How do you tell someone that they are doing you more harm than good? How do I explain that his actions towards me at times is not ‘best-friend’ behavior?

What’s a girl to do?

Dear Girl,

This guy seems great at getting his friendlationship needs met , but what about you? Where did your needs go in this situation?

Do you really want to date a guy who "keeps pushing" when you don't want to talk about something?
I know i have limited information, but he sounds like a boundary crosser.
Also, If dude doesn't have the confidence to date you, if he needs to act like a child around you, or if he wants to dominate your time without giving you what you want, then i say Cut Him Loose. If it turns out that someday he's ready to date and you guys are a match, it will just happen.
In the meantime,my advice (in the words of the very wise sts):
TURN THE PAGE.


If i were you , I would e-mail him and say
"Hey, I need some space from you right now. I'm not mad at you, but i need some time . Thanks."

Then stop picking up the phone when he calls, do not agree to have "a meeting" or fall for any of his manipulative b.s.
Be Strong!

If he was the dude for you he would have actually jumped on your request to date, not strung you along and pushed your boundaries. Find some guy that listens to your needs, respects them and gives you what you want in life.

The lady on the left is on a date with 3 people at once.

Dear Readers,
Thanks for your patience. After a few weeks off, I am ready and raring for more advice. I hope to have a podcast or web radio show soon, so stay tuned.
In the meantime, I have a new 150 word limit on questions. This is the last edition of Ask Nicole to include questions as long as Encyclopedia Britannica/Bible/Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Thank you.



Dear World's Smartest Girl,

Here's a question about dating etiquette.
I am a recently single young lady and am on the prowl, so to speak.
I'm dating about four women right now. I'm not polyamorous or anything. I'm just dating.
I live in a mid sized town.

Friday night, I was out on a date and bumped into someone else that I'm seeing, that I'll be going out with on Sunday.
I went over and talked to Miss Sunday and her friend, chit chat, said hello. It was apparent, however, that I was on a date with Miss Friday, who hung back and did not meet Miss Sunday.

I like Miss Sunday because she's smart and sweet and I've been on three dates with her, only just kissed her once and am just getting to know her. Not sure what my intentions are.

Miss Friday, who I'm sleeping with but am sort of ambivalent about, hung back and I don't think she could tell that Miss Sunday and I have a thing going.

Anyways, what am I supposed to do when that happens?
When I run into one girl when I'm out with another girl?

I tell the girls that I am sleeping with that I am dating other people but the ones I'm just getting to know don't know about my ways because, well, we aren't ready for that conversation yet.
Furthermore, I might decide I like Miss Sunday enough that I just want to cool it and hang out with her, I don't know right now but I don't want to foreclose the option because I'm seen out with other people. What I do know is that I want to act right and not mess it up even though I'm dating other people. So, a bit of etiquette instruction, if you don't mind.

-Randy

Dear Randy,
This situation is only as awkward as you make it.
The time to tell someone, in my opinion, that you have other dates, is before you make out with them. Before you even kiss them, you have to say
“Hey, I have to tell you that I’m really really CASUALLY dating some people right now. I just want to let you know that. ….” And you can elaborate or not based on their reaction. But don’t let them trustingly stick their tongue in your mouth if you have someone else’s spit marinating in there.

If you run into one girl when you’re out with another, I think you should say “Hi, how are you?” and make it brief. Tell them you’re excited to see them again or WHATEVER, but you need to say “Okay, I have to go hang out with my friend Miss Friday right now. Nice talking to you. See you soon.”

Don’t make it awkward for Miss Friday by openly flirting or carrying on a long conversation with Miss Sunday. No matter who you want to keep making out with in the situation, this is bad manners.

If you act totally chill and normal when you return to Friday’s open arms, then it shouldn’t be an issue. If she brings it up later “Who’s that?” try to be open and honest, but gentle with her feelings. Even if you feel ambivalent about her, she's still a HUMAN and might not feel ambivalent about you, especially considering the fact you were on a DATE and are currently having SEX with each other. Which in some cultures means "I Like You" .
SO. Be Polite. Be gentle.

Don’t act squirrely or guilty. You’ll only make things worse.




Dear Nicole,
I want to talk about The F Word; Friends.

The back history: I've been in Portland for 5 years (as of this
week), and I have yet to make my 'core' friends here. I have lived in
larger cities like Chicago and Los Angeles and have always had my core
friends (usually 4-5) who I could really count on and share trust and
closeness, both ways. It always provided a sense of family that I
value very much. I don't do small talk and shallow acquaintances very
well, I prefer quality connections with fewer people rather than
shallow connections to a lot of people. I'm a bit introverted and
low-key, and like one-on-one time rather than big social situations.
I tend to get ultra-sensitive and awkward in large social situations
(this is something I'm working on).

THE PROBLEM: Since I have moved to Portland, I have had many
fall-outs with folks I try to befriend. Usually what happens is that
there is an initial spark (sometimes romantic, sometimes not),
sometimes this spark is quite powerful, and we hang out, communicate,
etc… then it seems that to keep the connection going I am the one
doing all of the communication and 'tuning in'. However, this is bad
because it causes an imbalance, and both people are left resentful of
each other.

I realize that these things take time, but Portland has a science all
of it's own and I sense that you may know something that I don't.
Help.

Yours,
Open and Sincere.




Dear Open and Sincere,

In any relationship, romantic or otherwise, there needs to be reciprocity. If you are trying to contact people who are dropping the ball and not contacting you back, then you need to move on. Sounds like they aren’t interested in the same level of friendship you are.
This is where acquaintances come in handy. You make someone’s acquaintance, find out if you have a common interest, and if things go well and you’re both so inclined, hang out one on one as actual friends!
I find that social networking sites are a pleasure for this purpose. They give names to the faces you see in your community, and give you a chance to contact them outside of parties and random run-ins.
I want to add that you mentioned a romantic spark for some people who you’ve tried to befriend. This is a bad tactic if you’re looking for stability in friendships. You don’t want something volatile and hinging on whether or not you make out.

As for your desire to have friends and not just acquaintances (“shallow connections”), this is something I hear about as often as I hear lesbians declare their future want for a goat and to live in the country. VERY COMMON.
Nobody wants JUST acquaintances (not even your acquaintances want JUST acquaintances) , BUT we (Portlanders) are lucky to live in a land of common interest. Portland is a bubble with a giant queer community and thriving underground culture. Don’t take it for granted. Recognize the giant privilege you have to even KNOW that many people who are into the same things as you. You have the luxury here of rooting through the acquaintances to find people with whom you share not just gay-roddery and love of books, but also personality or communication styles. Lucky you! Community is nothing to take lightly.


So my advice to you is, look for commonalities with people whom you do not want to bone, test the waters and if the waters are unreceptive, move on.
Also, see my advice about friendship from 2008.

Good luck .




Hi Nicole,

You probably don't remember me, but I went to Rock Camp this summer and was in your zine workshop. It turned out we were both from Kansas!
Anyway, you said you went to Aquinas for high school. Well, I am in 8th grade and about to take a placement test on Saturday. I am torn between two high schools. I shadowed at Aquinas and a new school called St. James, but I can't decide what school I want to go to! Overall, I really liked St. James better, but at Aquinas I will have more friends. I have one best friend going to St. James, and two best friends going to Aquinas. I really can't decide where to go. At St. James you get a mac book, which is awesome, but Aquinas I will know more people and have a cousin there. Aquinas is also much closer to my house. The tuition is also cheaper at Aquinas. Transportation might be a little problem for my parents and I, but I think we could work things out. Do you have any idea what I should do? I really need to decide, and fast!

-Torn Between Two.

Dear Torn Between Two,

I had a nice time as St. Thomas Aquinas. I met new friends, and maintained friendships with my public school friends outside of STA.

Go to the school you like best, and I promise you will have some friends.

I warn you though, in my days the freshmen as STA were forced to wear beanies with propellers the first week. The seniors could then walk by and flip the propeller on your. Really undignified.
If I were you, I would hide the beanie in my bag and only put it on right outside the classroom door. If you pretend to be a stone cold sophomore, you won’t get in trouble.

Good luck.






Dear Nicole,

Okay, I'm 16 years old and have been in a (sort of) long relationship with my boyfriend (8 months to be exact). But the whole 'I love you' thing started EARLY with him. I didn't say it back until I thought I felt the same, and I do think I feel the same. My problem is the 'planning our future' thing started early too. And I just feel trapped because he loves me a lot, and I (and everyone else) can see that. I know for a fact that if we break up he's going to be...self-destructive. As in drinking uncontrollably. Oh, by the way, he's 19 and goes to college in Michigan (while I live in Illinois) if that makes a difference. And the other thing is I don't want to break up with him right now, I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with him...or I'm just not sure of that. I want to experience new things and meet new people before I tie myself down. Should I talk to him? Should I just break it off now? What should I do?

Love,
Trapped.

Dear Trapped,
I hereby give you permission to break up with this guy.
You’re lovable. So what. That doesn’t meant you owe the first dude to declare his love for you anything. Lots of people are out there who also might want to love you. It doesn’t mean you need to get married to all of them.
You are not old enough to be making a crazy long commitment (not because I’m ageist, but because you need to date some more people and figure out what you want to do with your ENTIRE LIFE and what kind of person you like) , and you haven’t been dating long enough to be surgically tethered to this dude. His drinking is his own business. If he wants to self destruct after an 8 month long relationship, that’s his own deal. He’ll get over it.
Turn the page, dude.
YOUR business is to take care of yourself and have fun! Date someone you KNOW you love. Or don’t! Date a bunch of people and figure out what you want!
Don’t act like an old lady just yet. You can wait until you’re at least in your mid twenties for that sort of behavior.

Dog Models, Pubic Lice, Kin, Mental Illness, and Feminity.

Hi Nicole!

I have a dog question. There is this dog that lives in my neighborhood, that gets walked around a lot, and it is the most beautiful dog I think I've ever seen. It is very unusual looking. It's body and shape resemble a large greyhound, but it has really really silky long hair all over it's body that flows like a pony's and glints in the waning summer sun. In my head I call this dog America's Next Top Dog Model because it is so gorgeous and has a great, confident stride.

What breed is this dog? I don't know how to Google this because I think the phrase "dog that looks like Gisele Bundchen" would not give me the results am looking for. I don't want to ask the person walking it because I don't want to bother them.

What do you think?



-- Tyra Mail

Dear Tyra Mail,
I believe the dog you are referring to is an Afghan.
Afghans remind me of the model Iman.
Good luck in your dog watching career.

Sincerely
n.g.






Hi Nicole,
I feel like I should start off by saying that I wouldn't really call
myself a dog lover. I like dogs a lot, and my family had a wonderful
border collie for much of my childhood. However, I have a tendency to be
on guard around dogs, and I find myself easily frightened by them.

Recently, I have had multiple terrifying (for me) incidents with a
neighborhood dog. So one morning I went out for a short run, and just as I
crossed Killingsworth this bonkers dog, a medium sized black lab, starts
tearing after me, barking with all his might. I starting panicking and ran
up a strangers driveway as fast as I could. I cowered in the backyard for
several minutes, trying to decide if I could jump over a fence to escape.
I tried to inch back out the driveway to see if the dog was still there,
and as soon as he saw me he started barking again. I felt like he was
screaming "I'm gonna get you lady! I can't wait til you come down here so
I can tear your head off!" Finally I heard a truck coming and ran out
while I thought the dog couldn't see me. I survived the rest of the run
unscathed and didn't return to that corner.

Then, that evening I was riding my bike home from downtown, more than
twelve hours after the first incident. And as I turn down my street, who's
there? The dog! I freaked out and started pedaling as fast as I could. I
decided to try and call animal control, as this dog had obviously been
outside, unleashed, for the whole day. But when I tried to call there was
no one available at 10pm, and I forgot about it by the next day.

Another week passed and one morning, as I was riding to work, I pass the
corner where this dog lives, and he's out with his owner, who is walking
him off-leash. I look over for a second, and the dog starts barking and
once again tears after me. I once again started pedaling as fast as I
could. I also screamed a string of obscenities, and when I finally outran
the dog I shouted "you better fucking control this dog or I'm going to
fucking call animal control!"

Since then I have mostly avoided that corner as I do not want to have
another run in with this dog. I have horrifying visions of being attacked
and knocked off my bike. I did ride by once, though, and the dog was in a
tiny fenced-in area no bigger than 4"x5", and he barked his head off at
me.

More than anything, though, I'm worried about the welfare of this dog. Why
is he so nuts? Is he being treated ok? It really doesn't look like it.
Would you recommend calling animal control, or trying to knock on the door
and talking to the owner? I once lived next door to some aggressive,
abused pit bulls and I have always felt guilty for not calling animal
control on their owners. I want to do the right thing for this dog, and I
also don't want to feel afraid to go down my own street! What do you think
I should do?

Thanks,
Depressed for Dogs


Dear Depressed for Dogs,

First off, let me say that this dog shouldn’t have free run of the streets. Forget the fact that he’s chasing human beings, he could run into the road and get hit by a car for goodness sakes!

How to get him inside?
I think you should take some kava, take a bath, smoke a joint, listen to reggae- whatever it is that makes you feel relaxed. When you are at your most peaceful and right-with-the-world, I want you to write this note: “Hi there. I am writing to request that you not let your dog off-leash. I have been chased by him several times, and it is frightening! Thank you for your help. Sincerely, scared neighbor.” Do not add any threats or accusations. Just the facts. If nothing comes of it and you see Cujo McKillingsworth on the loose again, call animal control and let them know what’s going on. I know from personal experience (ahem) that they will visit your neighbors and give them a talking to.


As for you-
I’m going to choose an unpopular path here called “Blame the Victim”.
I can sense fear. You can sense fear. DOGS can sense fear. When you see a dog and go tense and start booking it, the dog sees you as either a playmate to be chased, or PREY to be chased! I know it seems totally counter-intuitive (and don’t sue me if this doesn’t work), but you need to stand your ground and make yourself stronger and bigger than the dog. Say “NO!” very loudly. Not like a freaked out whiner, but like a big strong animal. “NO! GO HOME!” and point away from you. Put your bike in between you and the dog. Do not lunge at the dog. Do not look him in the eye. Just stand your ground and let it know that you mean business. You are a pack leader!

You are stronger than the dog. Worry not.

Sincerely
n.g.

p.s. do NOT bite the dog. Even if you are on a power trip from being pack leader.

p.p.s. don't SLAM your bike in the front of the dog if you put it in between the two of you. Just matter of factly stand behind it and act powerful. Or in front of it. You are powerful! Don't let a dog trip you out.







Dear Nicole the Awesome!

Three years ago I found out that I have a half-aunt, a half-sister of
my dad, whom nobody living in the family knew about. My dad and his
brother met her and talked for awhile, and took some pictures, her
face is so much like my grandpa's it's astounding. She grew up in
Portland during WWII, got married, had kids and eventually moved to
Phoenix.

But that's not the question.

Fast forward two and a half years, I got a job downtown that requires
lots of walking and thus, people-watching. I started seeing this guy
around town who also looks tons like my grandpa. I've seen him around
about four or five times and am 99% sure he's one of my cousins.

So what would be the protocol as to approaching a maybe-cousin? I've
thought about walking up with a picture of my grandpa and barrelling
"OMG ARE YOU MY COUSIN LOL?" or approaching cautiously and asking,
"pardon me, are you related to so-and-so?" The situation is so
bizarre, I don't know how to approach him and placate my curiosity.
Help!

Thanks,
More Family than Previously Thought


Dear More Family than Previously Thought,

Once, when I lived in Kansas City, my friend Danielle was approached by a man in the coffee shop. He grabbed her and said (verbatim) “I don't know if you'll claim me, but we's cousins! Look, we got the same face!” and he pointed from her face to his own. Turned out they were not cousins, and we all got a good laugh saying “Hey Danielle, I don't know if you'll claim me....” for the next three years.
That said....
I think you should approach him!
Say, “Hey, this is going to sound weird, but are you related to So and So?” if they say no, then you can say “Ohhh. Sorry to bug you. You just look so much like him!” No need to delve deeply into your family tree. If it is your cousin , then Huzzah! You can have a reunion right there in the street!
There’s no harm in asking.
Good luck!
Sincerely
n.g.

Dear Nicole,

What do you know about STIs? Don't worry, this isn't a "do-I-have-herpes" letter; please keep reading. I'm a gal who's been with a gal for almost two years. The last time I went to the gynecologist and she asked if I was sexually active I said yes, I have sex with a gal. She said, "Oh, good, then, we don't need to test you for anything." I said something like "WTF?" but unfortunately had nothing more articulate to offer. Then she launched into a story about how some doctor she knew didn't test this lesbian but then it turned out she'd had sex with a man before and therefore had chlamydia! Bad, irresponsible doctor.

Anyway. I know there are STIs you can get from oral sex and maybe other kinds of lesbian encounters. But what exactly are they? I want to go into the gynecologist's office armed with information this time. I looked online but could only find information about gay men. My girlfriend hasn't been tested for anything because of a similar experience. Can you help a health-concerned queer girl out?

Proactive Patient


Dear Proactive Patient,
Oh brother.
If I had a dime for every lesbian I know whose doctor tried to talk them out of STI testing , I’d have at least a dollar. Maybe even two! This sort of b.s. happens all the time, and I genuinely feel for you.
In my experience they see that I have sex with women, take a quick look downstairs and try to send me out the door. You must be persistent and insistent! Lesbians demand equal access to heinous disease diagnosis and care! We can be riddled with germs too, you know!
I basically had to arm wrestle my way into an HIV test the last time that I was at the clinic, but was so happy afterwards to not have gone with their head-in-the-sand, “you’re PROBABLY okay” philosophy , and instead know for a Fact that I’m not spreading germs across the land.
According to http://www.4women.gov/FAQ/lesbian-health.cfm,

Lesbian women are at risk for many of the same STDs as heterosexual women.

Lesbian women can transmit STDs to each other through skin-to-skin contact, mucosa contact, vaginal fluids, and menstrual blood. Sharing sex toys is another method of transmitting STDs.
These are common STDs that can be passed between women: Bacterial vaginosis, Human papillomavirus (HPV), Trichomoniasis “Trich”, Herpes, and Syphilis. Less common, but still available, are Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, HIV/AIDS, and my favorite.... Pubic Lice!!! (the symptoms of which were “itching, and Finding Lice”)!

Take that to your doctor, my sapphic friend.

Sincerely
N.g.



Dear Nicole,

I was wondering if you had any advice on dealing with the stigma of having a mental illness. I try to avoid the topic with most people at all costs but at the same time feel I am only perpetuating the stigma by acting as if it is something to be horribly ashamed of. It's not that I haven't dealt with this type of thing before. I am a gay, genderqueer, young mom, in a fairly small town, who is mistaken for a teenage boy quite often. I have never been afraid to be open about these things and let judgments and criticisms of others roll off easily. I am manic depressive and unable to keep "normal" forms of employment due to panic attacks, severe anxiety etc.

I am a musician and performer and when I meet new people and have that normal, "So, where do you work?" "What do you do?" get to know you conversation, I find myself responding with, "I'm working on music and looking for a new job and blah, blah, blah." Because in most cases if I were to say "I don't work due to a mental illness but I am on public house/assistance so I can focus on parenting, music and managing my head space and meds." due to the extreme stigma of mental illnesses, I would most likely be looked at as ingenuine and unreliable.

A good example of the kind of mentality I want to learn to deal with, without people getting freaked out or scared away if they learn of my disabillity, is how shitty it is when people use the word "gay" as a derogatory term. I mean really. How is it any different to say something is "retarded" or "lame" or to call someone who is flaky, eccentric etc. "a total schizo" or "bipolar."
I am painfully shy but also a very passionate musician and performer. I don't want to miss out on creative opportunities because people might define there interpretation of me by my illness, rather than getting to know ME. I also want to do the best I can to fight the stigma and set a good example and inspire others to speak out. I deal with all of this on a very regular basis and was wondering what your approach would be.
Sincerely,
Curious Queer Parent



Dear Curious Queer Parent,
It is none of people’s business how you keep a roof over your head. If they ask what you do, be honest. “I’m a musician and a mom.” Once you have deduced that said inquirer is not an a-hole, you can tell them the parts of your story that are more sensitive, including your mental health status.
I say wait only to keep yourself safe.
If someone is having to ask this kind of introductory question, they are obviously not a great friend yet, and so do not necessarily need to know your life story.
As for the stigma and invisibility, I have a couple of suggestions:
-I think it’s important to stage interruptions if people are using language that is problematic for you (i.e. Schizo, bipolar, etc). “Hey, I’m not sure if you thought that through, but it’s actually pretty offensive to use the word Schizo so liberally. Some people actually ARE schizophrenic and it could be hurtful.” Or throw in a lie, “My brother is schizophrenic. It’s actually pretty hard for me to hear you throw that term around so casually.” Or just out yourself “Hey, I’m not sure if you knew this, but I have mental illness . It’s pretty intense when you toss around terms like that. I just wanted to let you know. It makes me really uncomfortable.”
-If you’re up for it, it could be important to be an out musician with mental illness. Through lyrics or talking at shows. Through zines or the things you make available at your merch table or website. Encourage dialog with fans who may be facing similar conditions.
You are a face for your mental illness, but you don’t need to be defined solely by your mental illness. Give people a chance to see it in context of a person who is an excellent musician, mother, and ally. Not the other way around.



Hi nicole

i've known someone for about 9 months now and i'm more attracted to her now then anyone i've ever met. that has never happened. and i'm no spring chicken. if i reach the "just friends" part of a friendship with someone, i'm fine with that. but this time it breaks my heart. she's amazing. inspiring. hot. we have so much in common. talk on the phone for hours. people have asked me if we're dating. she always asks me to go to her events/performances that she's in. and she always supportive and comes to mine. when we first met it was abrupt and there was an attraction. but she soon told me i was too feminine for her. and i'm not writing this in lingerie and heels - i'm more middle of the road. that was 8 months ago. it's so tempting to spill the beans to her. but i do not want to alter our friendship because it's so unlike any other. she fills a gap that no one else could. it's the age old question of what the next move is. to take the leap and risk to put my feelings out there and see how she responds. or just accept things the way they are and be ok with that. don't want to be rejected twice.

xx
once bitten, twice shy

Dear Twice Shy,
First of all, I like that you referred to yourself as "no spring chicken", and also made it clear that you weren't writing me wearing a teddy and high heels.
But as for your question,

What a tragedy! I’m so sorry to hear about you situation.

At this stage I think that truly y’all are Just Friends.
If she wanted something more than that she would have made it known. That is my gut feeling on the situation.
I write this as someone who been on both sides of unrequited-love-infected friendships, and someone who, for the life of me, cannot get it up for people whose gender expression is too close to my own.

But.
Are you looking for love here, or are you looking for honesty? If you’re looking for love, I don’t think it’s going to happen.
If you’re looking to move on, consider:
Do you need to tell her in order to move forward with the friendship? To have it out of the way? All cards on the table?
If I were you I would say it over coffee, or have her over for dinner or cards (just to be poetic).
In your shoes, this is exactly what I would say (but probably if I said it there wouldn’t be spaces in between the words b/c I’d be speaking so fast):
“I want you to know that I have a crush on you and I wish you had a crush on me too, but I don’t think that you do. I want to be your friend. I think you’re great. I just wanted to get this out of the way so we could have an honest friendship with no weirdness in between us. Okay. Phew, I feel nervous. “

But. If you can get over it on your own, I say do it.
Less processing.

Good luck.

n.g.

Cavemen and Nonmonogamy

Dear Nicole,
I have a tendency of creating complicated situations with women. I also am known for being a bit of a player and a total slutbag. However I think this stereotype is unfair.
Is it because I'm a woman and I just happen to not be socially retarded?

Depending on how sentimental I am feeling, I have been in/out of love with many.
Currently I am dating a girl long distance non-monogamously and I am completely head over heels in smitten with her.
However, recently I met someone here. I've been sleeping with this other girl in Portland. I'm not sure whether I did this to distract myself from my aching heart or if I genuinely want to date this person. It's hard to spend a lot of time with someone and not get attached. Portland girlie knows about my long distance sweetheart and says she will stay out of our way when my sweetie comes to visit in October. I know it might be wrong to do this to Portland girl, so should I quit being an asshole and tell her we should just remain friends to avoid any future heartbreak? And what of my long distance sweetie? Should I take a break from girls altogether?

sincerely,

promiscuity city



Oh non monogamy, how i loathe the web you weave.

Hi Promiscuity City.

Let's talk.
That reputation of yours didn't happen on it's own, and it didn't happen overnight. Tis no stereotype based on the fact that you can talk to a crowd. Lots of people have social finesse and not all of them are called Players or "Slutbags". If i put my psychic glasses on , I'll bet that you got this reputation by "creating complicated situations", i.e. drama, and not being clear with people (i.e. telling many people that you're in love with them!).

The only thing worse than a Player is a Player with no mirror.
"Why would people call me that? I'm just following my heart!"
Your heart isn't the only one beating in the room!
There's got to be some consideration for the people you're dragging in there with you.

The good news is,

Today is the first day of the rest of your life!
We are going to discuss your options as a new, responsible (yet still Socially Adept) individual!


There are two routes you could take here, Promiscuity City, and if you play your cards right, your hands will technically be clean by the end of all this.
Don't make it weird!

1. You can keep seeing Portland Girl.
(high drama route)

2. You can break up with Portland Girl.
(low drama route)

On one hand, she's in charge of herself and as long as you're clear (one thousand percent clear) and not feeding her lines of garbage about the depth of your relationship (ahem) , then you are allowed to say "I told you so" if she gets her feelings hurt by girl afar. You're getting away on a technicality.

Don't lead her into thinking she could usurp Girl Afar as your primary if that is not the case. This means no sighing heavily while staring into her eyes, moaning about how torn you are and how confusing this all is!

HOWEVER, On the other hand....
This is your new , low-drama life, and it requires some introspection.
It would be be not only kinder, but also the route of least drama and despair if you cut the cord now. She's not your soul mate, you probably wouldn't be dating her if the Girl from Afar lived here, so it would be kinder of you to let her go and find someone else who will think the world of her.
If you can psychically see that the result of this relationship will be a heart break blood bath, then it is up to you to take the reigns (no matter what she says about it being okay) and grind this coach to a stop.

Then you come out with your hands clean, and you have some time alone here in Portland to consider how you got your reputation, all the while getting your attention needs met (sort of) by someone from afar.


(note: you might be saying "Nicole this is harsh. people can casually date, you know, without it being a 'blood bath' " and i say to you, true true! However, this person, Promiscuity City, seems like perhaps they are not adept at handling these situations with grace and tact, and thusly i advise them to take the side door and leave the party before it gets out of hand.)





Dear Nicole,
The next time my boyfriend's super-religious dad says women should be subordinate to men, should I throw a bowl of beans in his face? How would you handle this?

Prudently,
Leering in Los Angeles


Choose your battles wisely, Leering in Los Angeles.
This is not the one to fight. You're not going to change his mind, and you have a choice if you have to see him at all. If you can manage eating dinner with Dad from time to time, i would let his comments roll off with a simple:
"That's an interesting perspective. Hmm. " and/or a blank stare.
" Thanks for your opinion. "
Then you can silently seethe and curse me for putting you in this situation.

Though this will make you seethe in the moment, it is ultimately better than yelling at someone who's not listening to you and creating static between yourself and the family of your boyfriend.

If he gets to you too much, and you find your blood pressure is out of control every time you get home from family dinner,
then you have the choice to opt out of such dinners, and offer to only see Dad on important Holidays.
Your boyfriend can cover for you. "Oh, Leering is sick." or, "She couldn't make it".
All the while you're at home listening to relaxing music and cross stitching a Labris or Women's Symbol, sighing aloud and thinking "I'm so glad I'm not dining with a cave man right now!"



Dearest Nicole,

I'm a girl and have started to venture into the world of dating other chicks. At the end of the date, how do I know who pays for the meal? When I go out with guys, they always end up paying (at least on the first date). I went out with a new girl yesterday and it was a little awkward. I offered, but we decided to split. Should I always just offer to pay? Or does it depend on who asked the other person out? Ideas?
THANKS.

Love,
Anxious Dater


Dear Anxious Dater,

Let whoever wears the pants pay!

Just kidding.
Ahem.
Jeez.

Okay. I consulted some bonafied lesbians about this last night.
Aubree advised:
"If they don't offer to pay within the first minute of the check being there, then be prepared to split the bill."
true, true.
If someone is planning on paying for a date , then they are waiting for the check and want to get to it before you. Oh, chivalry!

Always be prepared to split the bill. Bring money. Pull out your wallet when the check comes, even if the other person pulled theirs out first.

Common courtesy says, if they buy dinner one night, you should pay (or attempt to pay) the next time.
Don't take anything for granted.

And if they pay for dinner, you'd better be ready to put out.
Especially if you had something expensive.

.... Kidding! Just Kidding!











Dear Nicole:

I've been with the same young man for a couple years. There is one
problem-- he has never given me a gift of any kind. No birthday gift,
no anniversary gift, no Yom Hashoah gift. No gifts at all, aside from
the occasional surprise carton of soy delicious. He knows I would
LIKE gifts, and doesn't ever make me feel petty for wanting them. He
has some weird extreme specific phobia/anxiety about giving gifts. My
psychologist tells me I am ascribing way too much importance to these
absent gifts, and my friends say gifts are important and that I should
dump him for this.

I would like to know your professional opinion on the subject of gifts
in romantic relationships.

Yours truly,
Giftless.

Dear Giftless,

I like gifts.
I like getting gifts, and more importantly, i like GIVING gifts!
How else to express your deep feelings for your boyfriend than to make him a present? Words are overrated.
ack, what a joyless life i would have with only rations of ice cream as a substitute for a handmade stuffed animal or lovingly crafted cell phone plan?
Personally, I , NJG, would be bummed if i had to devote my life to a giftless marriage.
But we're talking about you, Giftless.

Well, how important are gifts to you?
and,
Does he have other attributes that make up for his gift anxiety?
The Gift of companionship?
The Gift of kindness?
The Gift of handsomeness?

Is he a one of a kind that you would feel completely stupid for breaking up with based on this, or is it indicative of greater problems or inflexibility in the relationship?
Like, if you had kids would he not give them presents?
If he decided he was Hug-o-phobic would you then have to go without hugs?


Maybe to you gifts are a way to show love, and if you are not receiving gifts, then it feels like you are not receiving love. Everyone has these things. For some people it's cooking as a way to show love, for some it is physical affection. Express how much you like his other qualities (The aforementioned gifts of companionship, kindness and handsomeness) but that this is as sensitive an issue to you as it is to him, and it hurts your feelings!
If you're not getting the thing that you need to feel loved, then you need to sit down and hammer out if there's something else that he can do to replace that warm feeling, or if he can compromise?

Maybe he can go to a psychiatrist and have some immersion therapy where he gets sent to the North Pole and has to hear from Santa's elves the joys of giving, all the while hammering together old fashioned wooden toys for every boy and girl in the world.

Everyone sacrifices for love some times.
It's not like you're asking him to send you pieces of his own body for Valentines day, you just want a present.

Love, Nicole

p.s. In the case that you are Jewish, the North Pole seems like a weird place to send him, but i can't think of another place where joyful creatures create gifts all day. I apologize.






Dear Nicole,

What do you do when you get in a rut or get depressed about artwork, etc?

Thanks,

- Too Many Projects at Once


Dear Too Many Projects at Once,

I stop calling my friends back and work twelve hour days until it's all done.
Then i go and party for a couple of days, after which i lock myself in my house again.

Sincerely,
n.g.


p.s. also you could go through your archive of things you've accomplished and try to inspire yourself and remember that you do good work and that it is worthwhile and that you've come really far!