Cheating and Dicks.

Dear Nicole,

I've been a queer lady for about six years now, and i'm in a pretty solid relationship with an awesome girl. I have no complaints with our sex life, but I was at a show last sunday night; and while i was trying to watch the girl performing i couldn't stop staring at this boy who was standing outside smoking. for the first time in years, i began fantasizing about hooking up with a boy. this boy. I heard him talking to one of the performers outside after the show, and this made me want it even more, but i bit my tongue and went home.
Is it silly that i feel guilty about having these thoughts?
should i tell my girlfriend?

sincerely, Confused Guilt-trip

Dear Confused Guilt Trip,

Hi there.
Even the most hardcore of lesbians have moments where they've thought about dudes.
Okay okay, not ALL of them, but a good portion of them have.
Some of them justify their dude-humping wants by saying they identify as fags themselves, and the rest just eat their feelings of straight guilt and never tell a soul.
You fall into the latter category.
HOWEVER,
I think you should not feel guilty.
Also,
Don't tell your girlfriend.
There is nothing worse than having to deal with the hassle of having your girlfriend question whether or not you are straight.
No amount of frottage can free you once you've put it in her head that a straight dude could bend you over (in a non-faggy way) at any time.

The want for straight sex, in most cases, is a passing thing.
When you look at that guy and think about him boning you, the next thought i advise is to think of how you'd feel the next day hanging out with him and a bunch of his straight dude friends.
That should chase you right back into the ocean, where you'll swim for the Isle of Lesbos again without looking back.
Good Luck.

p.s. Confidential to butch lesbian readers: there is nothing more insufferable for a femme lesbian than the butch who endlessly badgers her about being straight. If she was straight, she would have bolted at the first sight of your sports bra clad bosom. I promise she can tell the difference between you and a dude, and unless heavily medicated , has made a solid decision to fuck you, a woman, BECAUSE SHE IS GAY.






hey nicole,

my partner and i are at a fork in the road. he's got a serious crush on
someone, and was reluctant to tell me about it, until i accidentally
found out (after they professed their crushes to each other). we've
been having problems, and while he says the crush and our relationship
are independent of each other, i feel they're completely related.

i know he loves me but i feel sad he's just not there when we're
spending time together; i know he's thinking about her. as his best
friend, i want to encourage him to follow his crush and his heart, but
as his partner i feel absolutely crushed by the situation. it's a
classic case of the 'emotional affair' but i suspect that's a
narrow-minded view of relationships. what do you think?

confused and crushed




Hi Confused and Crushed.

Your boyfriend's job (as your boyfriend) is to be there for you.
Physically and Emotionally. Whether or not he is in a sea of someone else's pussy. This would be true if you guys were monogamous or otherwise.

I wouldn't worry that he has a crush. It happens to the best of us, and comes with the terrain of being human.
What worries me is that this is coming to pass whilst you are having problems.
What worries me the most is that he is secretly sort of pursuing it and egging on the intrigue.


If your boyfriend wants to be with you in a monogamous way, I say he quits this girl cold turkey until such a time when you feel comfortable or he has doused the flames of his desire (this could be months or years depending on the dude).


If you want to open your relationship up, the best time to do that is when you are tight with each other and trusting. And it doesn't feel like right now is that time. If you decide that it's something you want to do, your dude needs to understand that you will be needing his attentions when you're together, not the scraps he has leftover from the La La Land that accompanies a new, uncomplicated crush.

If your boyfriend chooses none of these options, then ball up and bail out. It takes some courage, but is ultimately better than a life lived on scraps.








Duck Portrait by Ali Liebegott

Slapping noises, home wreckers, retail and the E.R.

Dear Nicole,

I am a Woman Who Has Sex With Other Women. Currently, I am a Woman Who Has Sex With Other Women having sex with a Woman Who Has Sex With Men. Does that make sense? What I mean to say is, I'm sleeping with a straight girl. And there's the curious thing that happens in gay lady sex--that farting sound from the suction between hot, sweaty legs and/or other body parts (and I'm not talking about queefing, which is another bag of bones entirely). Anyway, even though I laugh it off (cause it is funny) when it's happens during sex with girlfriends or other experienced queers, for some reason it embarrasses me when it happens during sex with this "straight" girl. So my question--does this happen with boy/girl sex? If so, then she's surely heard it before and I can Get The Fuck Over It. And I know I should GTFOI regardless and I'm really not that concerned in the first place, but is there a way to avoid this when partaking in scissor sisters, if you know what I'm saying?


--Goldstar in NC


Dear Goldstar,

You've come to the right place. As a tin-star myself, I can tell you from experience that there are unique and equally as hilarious (if not foul) sounds that come from heterosexual sex. For every lezzie suction sound, there is a Weird slapping noise. For every queef, there is the sound of a dude groaning "Oh Shit" or "Uh Oh" before he climaxes. In straight sex land, that happens, like, every minute.

So basically, your new lady friend is no stranger to the auditory drawbacks of intercourse.

And Besides, she should be so stoked to be having sex with you that it just doesn't matter.

love nicole

p.s. How to avoid those noises? I don't think you can avoid all of them. Especially if you're into fisting or whatever this "scissor sister" nonsense is. Turn up the stereo and have some more sex and don't worry about it.


Dear Nicole,

After a recent night of imbibing with friends and loved ones, I forgot my bike helmet at the bar and proceeded to ride home--against my better judgment, yes, but not against my impaired judgment. Soon after shakily mounting my trusty Bianchi, I ate drunken shit, hit my head, and came to in a beautiful first responder's arms under the glow of flashing red and blue lights. And though I tried to convince the beautiful first responder (as well as the EMTs and officers of the law who were called to the scene) that I was fine and just needed to go home, they
(forcefully) convinced me that medical attention was a good idea. So I agreed. But the thing is--I'm decidedly lacking in a) health insurance and b) expendable income, so when they asked my name, I told them the first thing that came to mind: my ex-girlfriend's name.

ANYWAY, the whole story is long and blurry and ends with me discharging myself from the hospital when no one was looking (after the CAT scan results, of course, which were fine... I think) and trying to hitch a ride home and falling asleep on the side of the road and being rescued by a benevolent city bus driver who dropped me off at my front door. ANYWAY, since then, I've gotten in two other bike wrecks--one my fault and one not. Both times I walked away with some nasty cuts and some harm to my poor Bianchi but no lasting damage to either of us. ANYWAY, here's my question--can I go back to the hospital after giving them a false identity, including name, birth date, address, and social security number? (The name, by the way, was the only thing taken from real life. The rest was completely made up, which I stress so that you understand that my ex-gf will not be billed for this, much as that would give me pleasure.) SO, back to the question--what if I HAD gotten a concussion when the douche on a mountain bike ran a red at the bottom of a hill and smack into me??? What then??? How do I procure the services of the ER after falsifying information, refusing to give them a urine sample, and peacing the fuck out when the nurse turned her back?

--Uninsured in Orange County

Dear Uninsured:

I don't know the answer to this question.
Here's what i do know about the success of giving a fake name to the E.R.:
I knew a guy in Kansas City whose prescriptions from the hospital were all made out to one Benjamin Weasel.
Success.


Do you look particularly memorable? Do you think they'd remember you months and months later?
What if your ex girlfriend goes in sometime to get a new kidney and they give her a hard time b/c you committed "Identity Theft" on her?
Why don't you wear your helmet and take a taxi from now on?
You should go to a party where Michelle Howa is. When i was trying to ride my bike home drunk from a party, she fastened and adjusted my helmet onto my head so snuggly, I could barely get it off when i arrived home.

To summarize:
Don't be dead, and also, I hope that your ex girlfriend moves out of state before she needs that kidney or you will be in some serious karmic trouble.

love, nicole.


Dear Nicole,
As a woman,
Why is cheating with some body's boyfriend/girlfriend anti-feminist?
signed,
Curious Capricorn in California

Dear Curious Capricorn,

Cheating is anti-feminist because
it perpetuates girl jealousy and competition.
It devalues another girl's feelings.
It fucks with the mind of another girl.
Basically,
we as feminists should be supportive and trying to build each other up and help each other out in this world whenever we can.
This is not the message we are given on a day to day basis from the media, school, or the workplace. It's something we have to
remember on our own.
I think the punkest thing you can do sometimes is to support each other.
Not be shady fucksters!
Shadiness is for squares.

Love, nicole


Dear Nicole,
You mentioned before that you make ends meet just by drawing... does that mean you're a freelance artist or just insanely booked for the next few years to publish even more invincible summer books? And, how in the world did you get to this point?

-Wannabe freelancer


Dear Wannabe,
Truly, I am a freelancer.
I do zine workshops with young people as a contractor, I do pet portraits, I'm working on a graphic novel, and i do illustration work for books, magazines, individuals, and organizations.
From cobbling all of those things together, I make enough money for this one bedroom shack where I stay with Beija and Wishbone Georges.

Here is how it happened;
After eight years of zine making, I decided to get serious about drawing for a living, so I wrote to people whose things i wanted to illustrate and asked them to give me a chance. I started a website , and I posted art on the website that I'd already made for other purposes.

I had two part time jobs when i started, and then when i got a chunk of money for a big project, I quit one of the jobs and made a deal with myself that by the time the project money ran out, I would have a plan on how to make up that section of my income.

The thing about working for yourself that blows is that you work all of the time and have intense guilt when you're not working. And you're pretty broke for a while, and your friends don't understand why when they show up at your house in the middle of the day, you can't hang out.

You can do it.
Find people you know who work for themselves. One of my favorite people to look at for this is Jenn from Chetanddot.etsy.com . She and her partner Jenny both work full time at home making coasters , stuffed animals, and crafts.
Good luck.

n.g.

p.s. maybe you could work as an artist's assistant for a little while and see how the person you're working for operates as freelancer.

p.p.s. remember if you're a freelancer you don't have any medical insurance. So if you break your tooth on a bagel you might lose ten pounds while you wait for the nerve to deaden before you can eat again because you don't have one thousand dollars to get it fixed. Consider!



Dear NG,
I live in a studio that shares a kitchen and living space with 3 other studios. The other studios are inhabited by 50 year old single straight men. My studio is fantastic and l love it however I often overhear drunken chats about "fucking cunts" when referring to cashiers at grocery stores and other such disgustingness. They are loud and negative and I overhear everything in my room when they are in the kitchen. Its gotten to the point where I feel paralyzed in my room until hours of yelling goes by and I am finally able to go out and make my dinner in peace. Is there anything i can do? should I tell my landlord (who lives downstairs)? Should I tell them something directly? What should i say?

Paralyzed in Portland, Or


Dear Paralyzed,
Yuck. After staring at the wall and imagining myself in your position, here is what I suggest:

1. Talk to the landlord. let him know how unpleasant this situation is, and that you feel intimidated to confront a drunken group of grown men about their aggressive behavior. Ask him/her for some help.

2. If the landlord is a tool and won't help.... I wish you could move.

3. If the landlord is a tool and won't help, and you can't move, and you like your apartment, i would try either a brave and direct approach, a wacked out crazy bitch approach, or a lying approach:

- Bravery: Go into the kitchen while they're talking and put on some tea and take up plenty of personal space.
guy: "This cunt at the grocery store..."
you: "WHOA. What?"
guy: "This.. cunt at the grocery store."
you: (shake head) "No. No way. Please don't say that while I'm around."
guy: "har har"
you: "Seriously."

(Maybe include "I Can Hear You In there, you Sick Monsters." )

- Insanity: When they're in the kitchen yelling about cunts and you can hear them, then they can probably hear you when you start screaming
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" over and over again and start pounding on the kitchen wall.

- Fakery: Tell them your little sister is visiting and she's trying to sleep. You're babysitting. Thanks, guys.

( Looking at these, I guess talking to the landlord is probably the very best approach. It's the landlord's responsibility to handle this situation, not yours. Good luck, friend!)






Dear Nicole,

I was working a temp job about a month ago and my friend helped me get a job at her work. (She is a training and development supervisor there) I was very thankful for her favor and putting in a good word for me. My problem is that after a month I find myself not liking my job. I work at a huge Department Store and I'm on my feet all day which kills my back and I have an insane altering schedule. My friend has now taken the roll of boss lady and is super duper professional towards me and I feel like she sees me as a inferior while at work. I hate how awkward it is to try and conversate with her at work, but I try my best to be super polite and be the best friend I can and support my sister!

I want to look for another job, but a part of her work evaluation is keeping their turn-over rates low. I want to help my friend with her evaluation, but I also want to be happy with my job and be somewhat comfortable (having to work 8 hours on your feet and ride your bike home is no easy task).

Am I being a jerk by wanting to find another job? I don't want to ruin my friendship, but she already has made me feel bad by her change of attitude towards me while at work.

Sincerely,

Hesitant In Utah


Dear Utah,

You have to remember that at work your friend is not your friend, she's your boss.
If she keeps you at arm's length at work, that sounds like a good boss boundaries to me.
I know it seems rough, but you really don't want to have a boss whose attitude to you at work is in anyway linked to your social relationship.

If she can be icily professional , then so can you.
Here's your icy professionalism: Her evaluation is not your problem.
If this isn't the job for you, then I advise that you find another job.

Give your friend your two weeks, and explain how grateful you are that she gave you a chance and that you really appreciate it ,
but that an *amazing* opportunity came up and you have to take it (this is fudging the truth a little bit,
and is in regards to the job that you have lined up once you quit, so you'd better make it a good one).
Don't complain to her about the job she gave you. This is one battle that will not be worth winning in the long run.

You guys might need to take space from each other for a few weeks while she cools off and you can shake off her bossy weirdness,
but after that time maybe you could send her some cookies with a note that says "Please Forgive Me, I Miss You!" and you can be friends again.

Take the high road, swallow your pride, and then get a new job!

Good luck.




Dear Nicole,
Should I sell at Crafty Wonderland in September?

Thank you kindly,
Sock Stuffer in Southeast


Dear SSS,
Yes. You should table at Crafty Wonderland in September.
Unless it costs too much.
But i bet you'll sell a lot of stuff.
If you hate the act of tabling, you could always hire somebody like your friend Nicole Georges to sit at your table in exchange for having her/their stuff there too.
I bet she/they'd do a good job.

Sincerely
n.g.