Rapid Fire and Lengthy Advice.

What is the best way to deal with a friend who has been complaining about their girlfriend for years, saying the same things over and over and just sounding like a harsh jerk?

Tell her to quit her girlfriend or quit talking to you about it because it's making you feel weird about her girlfriend and/or just stressing you out.


How cougar is cougar?

It depends on your age.
If the younger person is under 25, I'd say around 8-10 years would officially be a cougar or chicken hawk situation.
If the younger person is over 25, you can boost that up to between 10 & 15 years.
Coug on.
BUT
Don't date anyone you've been in a mentorship role with. That's called grooming and it's inappropriate, Mary Kay Letourneau territory.













How do you cope with an obsessive worry about impending nuclear drift?

I have a couple of websites for you to look at.
This one is from the Radiation Network, an independent group measuring radiation around the U.S. .
The second is Oregon's webpage listing current hazards.
Oregon doesn't want their citizens to perish or look like Blinky the fish. Trust in them!

If it's still bugging you,
Have some miso soup with kombu, sprinkle some nori on your rice, and take a hot bath.
Go for a run or a bike ride to get it out of your head and know that you've done all you can.
In fact, why not take some of that nervous energy and transform it into something useful by wildly donating to the many Earthquake Relief organizations serving those most affected by the devastation in Japan.

P.S.
Maybe a radiation preparedness kit would help sooth your mind. Then you'd know that no matter what happens, you can casually throw on your gas mask, choke down some Iodide, and start driving East, confident that you've escaped the rays.



A mostly straight girl and I have exchanged interest in dating and over a month and a half have developed an intimate friendship.. not physical though. I asked her out again and she sounds super ambiguous about it still.
Part of me wants to call it quits all togeths but don't know if i risk the chance of losing our friendship. I'm conflicted. Am I kidding myself by thinking I have a chance or am I being strung along?

I borrow from a sometimes-wise friend when I say:
Anything that's not a Yes is a No.

Don't try to get into her head or guess about how much she likes you. If she's being ambiguous, then she's not ready.

She's not into you ENOUGH to dash to the head of the line and put in her application.

So move her into the "No" pile and move on.
Keep the friendship light. Lite even.
But don't waste your romantic vibes on a trifling fool.










Advice Needed:
If a friend of a friend gives you a placenta from a recent birth so your food club can eat it, do you remain in semi regular contact with her? Xmas cards? Keep up with the baby? What is the protocol?

You are under no obligation to keep in regular contact, BUT a thank you card is required. A small gift for the baby or some flowers would also be a kind way to show your thanks for the gift of her organ meat.























Dear Nicole,

I need some advice...because someone wants on with my girlfriend! The 'someone' is a friend of a very good friend, so it's not really possible to avoid her completely. My g.f. and I are in a monogamous relationship, and I don't really have a problem with how she has reacted to this situation, though I don't really understand the whole "trying to out-butch each other" thing that she and 'someone' do. My girlfriend says she doesn't like this 'someone' either, but is still friendly when we see her (as am I - it's the Midwest in me).

So this 'someone' (who has a girlfriend, btw) does all the classic B.S. - ignoring me, being way too interested in my girlfriend, doing her favors, etc. She's also got that playa playa charisma - she can talk anyone into anything. It makes me feel insanely jealous and threatened when we are around 'someone' and feel like crap for days afterwards. I also know that I have trust and self-esteem issues and this situation is aggravating them. I don't know if I should say something to 'someone', or talk to my girlfriend more about it, or maybe say something to the mutual friend?

I feel like I could use some psychic armor to wear around this 'someone' too - any recommendations?

Thanks!
-Irritated in Irvington

Dear Irvington,

Well there is NOTHING worse than a would-be homewrecker.

Look, Portland lezzies, there are plenty of dykes in the sea. Start flippin over rocks and licking toads like the rest of us did to find our dates.
You need not tread on the monogamous!

With that said, Irvington, your psychic armor is this phrase: What Will Be Will Be, and if my girlfriend can be lured away by a philandering snake oil salesman, then I'm better off without her.
Fatalistic? Perhaps, but you'll be fine either way.

Anyway, In a tragic twist of fate, the worse you feel about this and the more you pester your girlfriend, the less attractive you will seem. Unfair but true.

It would be helpful for you to set up some boundaries together.
If your girlfriend agrees and can adhere to some boundaries within your relationship, that's all you can ask for.
If your girlfriend complies and you're STILL trippin', then you need to take a chill pill or go see a therapist on your own so you do not project all of this energy onto her.

Here are my suggestions of boundaries to make clear before moving on:

1. How much they're going to hang out

In my monoga-prude perspective, if someone's trying to get with your man, then your man need not hang out with that person alone.
I'm not saying they shouldn't be pals - You WANT your person to have friends, but one on one is too intimate and date-y to me.
It seems a little QUEER to me.

2. The favors

Your girlfriend needs to understand that these favors are not from some Good Samaritan trying to spread joy into the world, and the more favors she accepts from this person, the more she's feeding their boner fire.
So,
a gentle non acceptance of favors isn't going to kill anyone.

Example: "Oh, you know what- I found someone to help me move. Thank you so much for offering, though... bro. "

Instead of:
"Wow, thanks for helping me move AND unpacking my stuff AND offering to try out my new bed for me! That is so awesome of you! You know what? I WOULD like a massage, after all. You wouldn't mind? Oh, that's great, that's greeeaattttttt......."

NOTE: These boundaries or interactions need to come from the mouth of your girlfriend to the ears of the dunce who is courting her.
You shall be elsewhere, enjoying your life independently as your girlfriend fields all questions, calls and come ons.

Good luck and take care.

(If all else fails, there's a great song called
"Hit That Bitch With A Bottle" that I like. Maybe you can listen to that on repeat as you hit a punching bag or try out kick boxing, so that you don't engage in any actual girl on girl violence. OR... just hit that bitch with a bottle. )

Polyamory and K'vetch Questions

Dear Advice Loving Friends,
I read last night at K'Vetch in San Francisco. K'vetch is a queer open mic night hosted by Tara Jepsen and Kirk Read. At the end of my story (during which i wore a towel, as we were at a gay man bath house) , i took rapid fire advice questions from the audience. Here are a few:


Q: Why don’t girls just tell you what they want?

A: Maybe they’re afraid of you. Are you a rage-a-holic? Learn to listen and not talk over them or offer unsolicited advice every time they do talk.

Q: Are all the dykes really moving out of San Francisco?

A: How should I know? I live in Portland.

Q: What should I Do tomorrow?

A: Come to my art show at The Lexington Club from 7 to 9 p.m.!

Q: How do I like myself?

A: Look at one thing you do well. Look at it really hard. Do more of it. Get feedback only from supportive positive sources. Do NOT listen to Debbie Downers or even ask their opinions.

Q: What is your take on open relationships/polyamory?

A: If you like processing, then polyamory is for you. I estimate five to ten hours of processing for every one hour you get having sex with someone else.

Q: I have a hard time being serious. How do I change this?

A: Seriousity is over rated.

Q; Is it worth changing your personality for your girlfriend?

A: No.


Q: Where is the fountain of youth?

A: Portland, Oregon is the fountain of youth. There is no sun, so you don’t need to worry about getting wrinkles, and people there have a Pleasure-Island quality of never growing up. You could be 72 and have a paper route!



And Now, Some Advice From Questions Sent In:


Dear Nicole,
I’m falling in love with a straight girl that has a live in boyfriend of 6 years. She flirts with me. What do I do?

- Falling in Florida



Dear Falling, Give her your phone number and tell her that if she ever breaks up with her boyfriend she should give you a call. In the meantime, you need her to leave you alone and vice versa.



Dear Nicole,

I'm in need of some tough love. I am 19, currently in a monogamous relationship of 2 years with a guy I really care about, and would like to stay with (we also live together.) I've had bad past experiences with monogamous relationships, and have tried before to just stay single and stop trying to date every man in my path, but it never goes according to plan (of course.) When we started dating, we both wanted something casual and fun, not looking for long term, but we never stopped hanging out. Things changed, and now here we are all coupled up. I want to be more independent, which is completely possible while being in a monogamous relationship, but I've noticed that I am always more outgoing and confident when I go to social gatherings without him. I read some literature on polyamory and open relationships, and I was definitely interested but felt it was not the right time for me to try it. I know from talking about it hypothetically with current partner that he would not be interested in trying it with me.

My partner has been away traveling, and a good friend of mine was in town visiting. I have been friends with him for many years, and only in the last year have I been aware that my feelings towards him were becoming romantic feelings as well. We were hanging out a lot this past week, and I discovered that he felt the exact same way. He practices polyamory, and at first I think he was under the impression that my current partner and I might have recently became polyamorous since I told him I felt the same way about him. When he found out that we weren't, he was totally fine with it, and explained that his feelings for me most likely wouldn't change in the near future, but that he was perfectly fine with me continuing to remain monogamous with my current partner. Basically, he was completely respectful about it, and he is most likely doing the right thing in this situation from my point of view.

The problem now is that I just don't know what to do. Ideally, I would love to be polyamorous, with my current partner as my "main" partner. I'm quite certain he wouldn't go for this, but I also don't want to completely end our relationship that I am otherwise happy with. I also don't really want to keep things how they are and suppress my romantic feelings for my friend. I feel like this situation means that I'll have to end up really hurting someone, myself included.
Signed,
Californian Cohabitant


Dear Californian Cohabitant,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh!
What a nightmare.


Here’s the deal: the absolute worst time to open up your relationship is when it is in crisis.
A polyamorous relationship is HARDER work and requires much more trust, honesty, communication and personal responsibility than a run of the mill monogamous relationship. It is the K2 of dating.

Right now it sounds to me like you are not taking a lot of personal responsibility with your romantic situation as is, and THUS adding another person to mix will only serve to truly fuck up what you have.
Which is maybe what you want.
If you are feeling like sabotaging yourself out of your current live-in relationship, maybe you need to honor that feeling and break up with your dude in order to date others, casual and unencumbered. Otherwise, here's my advice.


This has nothing to do with polyamory vs. monogamy. It has everything to do with living together and engaging in bad patterns.
You could monogamously live together, hang out alone in your city or with your friends independent of your dude, then come home and F each other’s faces off every night if you wanted to.
OR you could live together, suffocate each other, and then go get face crabs from every guy on the street and still not feel fulfilled.

Living together based on convenience, or financial need is The Stupidest reason a couple could choose to take this step. Why? Because you’re basically married. It costs money to break up, and one of you could wind up homeless.

You shouldn’t have been engaging in an intrigue with polyamorous dude behind your boyfriend’s back, my friend. That is number one.
What you need to do is tell that polyamorous guy to cool his jets while you hunker down and work on the relationship you’ve already started.
Make boundaries. Make rules for yourself. Make dates with the dude you’re living with, and when you don’t have dates, go out by yourself.
It’s a new era, starting now.
Insist that you both get some nourishing, independent friend and solo time from each other. Don’t get lazy, fall into a codependent routine, and then resent your partner in routine based on your own lack of discipline.

Tis not easy, but if you want to stay with this dude, I think you would be best served by trying to nourish the foundation of your relationship before you even THINK of triangulating or including other wieners in your situation.

Good luck and let me know how it’s going. I would love to lecture you any time.

Sincerely yours in tough love,

n.g.























Hi Nicole.
I need major big time advice. I have an older brother who is a prescription pain pill addict. Last night I noticed I had four missed calls from him. When I called him back he was drinking at a bar in the small town we grew up in. He stepped outside to talk to me. When I was a child I was a victim of sexual abuse. My brother was at this bar trying to find the person who did this to me so long ago (we're talking over 20 years ago). He was running through all these names of people whom he thought may have done this and told me he was planning to kill them at the bar tonight (if they show up but so far they haven't shown up!?) and explained that I don't know what he is capable of. I spent the next several minutes trying to talk him down. Obviously you can't reason with a person who has taken numerous pain killers and is now drinking alcohol on top of that. I am doing fine these days and have moved on with my life. I feel fortunate to be in such good shape. This phone call from my brother obviously really upset me. I was literally shaking. He has this deep seated belief implanted with the help of my parents that I am gay because I was abused. It haunts him. I don't know how I would cope if my brother killed someone or did something just as crazy because of all of these feelings he has over what happened to me that I don't even really care about anymore. What the fuck do I do?

Sincerely,

Desperate in Detroit


Dear Detroit,

1. You need to contact your brother during the day when he is sober, or at least not rip roaring drunk. Call or write and tell him that you absolutely do not support his vigilante style justice and that it has nothing to do with your wishes and is doing you no favors, only making you feel uncomfortable and creeped out.

2. If you really think your brother is capable of murder, it is your responsibility to call the police in your area and let them know what is up. If they pick him up and take him in, it might knock some sense into him about the reality of what he’s getting into. Seriously. It’s better than being silent and watching him receive a life sentence.

3. Go to an ALANON meeting. ALANON is a group for people who are friends of family of addicts. It will help you to understand better that you have no control over him, and will give you tips on what you Do have control over in the situation. Helpful support. Free. Do it.




Dear Ms.Georges,

I met this hotter than hell older professional art lesbian Saturday night. I could tell she liked me and thought I was funny and seemed to laugh at most of the shit I said. But I don't know if she just thought I was funny in that Joe Pesci meets woody Allen sort of way, or I might have a shot at something. She seems out of my league. Many people have tried to convince me that there are no leagues. But it’s been a hard sell. What would be the most tactful way of putting my self out there? What should I do next? She does not live in my area, but frequently visits from the country and is my friend on facebook.
Thank you for your community service,
Baffled


Dear Baffled,
To you I recommend using THE SECRET. Think positive. Imagine someone who IS in the League of this older professional art lesbian. Then, imagine yourself as that person. As even better than that person.

Approach her with confidence, like you’re offering her something great.

Because you are! You are great and if she doesn’t see that, then she is obviously not the one for you.

Say that you had a nice time talking with her the other night, and you wonder if she’d like to have a drink with you when she comes back into town. Whether or not she drinks, this is the universal sign for “date” , and will tell you her temperature regarding this affair.

I warn you, though you are confident and in fact, BETTER than someone in her league, do not cross the line into Cocky. Confident and cocky are not at all the same, and so for those unfamiliar, may require a little bit of practice. Think of the Dog Whisperer, or Oprah. Both Confident people who are at the same time humble or quiet when they need to be. They don’t act like they have something to prove. They’ve already proved it.
Calm, assertive leaders. That could be you.

Good luck and good greatness,

n.g.

Getting Harsh, Embracing Western Medicine.

Dear Nicole,

First, I want to let you know that I admire you very much and think you are super cool and rad and beautiful. Second of all, I am confused about my feelings and what I should do in my love life! I have been with my boyfriend for a little bit over a year and although I love him and our relationship is fun and fulfilling emotionally, sex-wise it's not cutting it. I'm kind of bored and before we were together, I was a girl who changed partners a lot and I kind of want that. We've talked about an open/poly-amorous relationship and he does not want to do it at all. I don't want to break up with him but I'm just not that happy with that--plus, we also have an hour or so distance between us that makes for a mostly weekends relationship, which I am tired of as well. Also, I am a queer girl who has never had sex with a lady, but want to and have been thinking about it more and more. I think maybe I should just not be such a wuss and end our relationship but also I am afraid of being alone forever and no one loving me. And also I like him a lot and when we are together, we have a lot of fun and happy times--I think I said that. What do you think I should do?

Love,
Sex-crazed and confused


Dear Sex Crazed,

Sounds like you want to break up.

But you're hesitating and you'll feel guilty about it for a minute, so
Let's pretend there's another option for a second....

You can go one of two routes in this situation:
1. give it the old college try .
Do you want to be in a long term monogamous relationship? If you do, then i say take the reigns and put some more effort into your sex life with this dude before you totally kick him to the curb. Suggest something you want to do. Give him encouraging pointers. See what he's up for. I give this method One Month. If he's not game, and does not show improvement within a month, then dude is toast.


2. Goodbye, Dude.
My first instinct is to tell you to break it off with this dude.
Sex is important. Especially within the first year, it's one of the main things differentiating this dude from your best friend.
Also, what is up with dating for a YEAR with all that distance between you? If neither of you feels inspired enough to bridge the gap and be around each other for more than a weekend at a time, then what is the point? What are we getting at with this?

It's only been a year. you're not very old.

You don't need to be in a lukewarm marriage at this point in your life.
He is never going to be comfortable with polyamoury, and the longer you stay in a sex-free monogamous relationship, the longer you are going without having the awesome sex you deserve, and the further and further you get from having sex with a lady.

You could die tomorrow, so find a relationship that satisfies you for today at the Very LEAST!

p.s. You will not die alone. I can feel , psychically, that you are not very old.

p.p.s. You are preventing this guy from finding the monogamous, vanilla woman of his dreams by holding on to him in your vein attempt to escape loneliness. Be Fair.







Dear Nicole,
my friend just transitioned (ftm) & I really hate his new name. should I tell my friend his new name sucks & is really a pet name used in bed?!

- Sad Tranny NYC

Dear Sad Tranny,
Don't tell him!
He probably labored over this and thinks it's a truly awesome name, and you will just hurt his feelings.
In the meantime, suggestions:

-Perhaps saying this name enough times will desensitize you to it's heinous qualities.
Just say it : Fluffy Fluffy Fluffy Fluffy.

-Have hope, friend.
There have been documented cases of people changing their name more than once when they found that a certain name wasn't their style.

OR

-Take Matters Into Your Own Hands.
What if you found a great nickname for your friend and tried to get it to catch on?
A pet name, like "sport" . then other people might hear you call him that, you can refer to him when he's not around,("Hey Did You Hear What Me and Sport Did This Weekend?" "who's sport?" "Oh Sorry, That's What I Call Fluffy") and maybe it will catch on and that will replace the name Fluffy.
Good Luck!



Dear Nicole,
if i use a feral cat i found in the snow...to feed the raccoons that live in my walls...am i automatically a "dog-person"....or am i just into lookin' out for my own?
-Cabin Fever in Portland

Dear Cabin Fever,
You are definitely a dog person.

-N.g.






Dear Nicole,

My vagina itches. Really itches. Sometimes it's all I can do not to take a Brillo pad to my dearly betrayed lady parts. And who's responsible for this? Me, it's sad, itchy owner. Seems that the food the rest of my body craves turn my junk into a sourdough factory. It's not like I have a terrible diet--I don't eat meat or many processed foods. I'm sweet on leafy greens and legumes. I chew spelt on the regular. Shit, I go on double dates with keifir and yogurt.

Despite this not-so-terrible diet of mine, it turns out that the food I'm most romantical with--sweet, cold Hamm's in a can--is just the food that make my mons all itchy-scratchy. Not cool, Hamm's, especially when I've been so loyal to you. All your other friends have either switched to microbrews or left you for jobs and families and shit. But I'm still here, listening to you bitch about Pabst.

So my drink of choice makes my vag itch, yes, but the remedies aren't all that heinous. I mean, shit, there are worse things in life than shoving raw garlic in your hole and douching with yogurt, right? Things like sobriety. So, my question: how many cloves is it cool to shove into the darkness at once? And once at capacity, how long do I keep that shit marinating? Also, is there any substance I could substitute for my beloved Hamm's that would lessen the yeast effect? Please don't say water.

Love,
Itchy in NC

P.s.
I forgot to mention that I wear really tight pants and don't want change that either.




Dear Itchy,
So you want something in your life to change, BUT you don't want to make changes.... Interesting Perspective!

Get ready for an onslaught of hippie yeast infection recipes on the comment board (spare me,Portland );

BUT here is MY advice:
go to the store and get some Monistat.
there is nothing worse than a yeast infection. NOTHING WORSE. (except for a UTI i guess...)

If walking around with the dental floss leashes for twelve pieces of garlic in your junk isn't doing the trick and is getting tiresome, there is nothing wrong with going to the pharmacy and getting some medicine from modern times.
It's cool to be Of The Earth, but it is not cool to feel irritated 24/7 because you have cheese coming out of your vagina. seriously!

After this is cleared up, you need to make some changes, lest it come back with a vengeance!

You have to drink something with less yeasty sugar.
If you need something with less sugar, try vodka like Monopolowa.
It is delicious.
If you need to look punk, drink whiskey. Get a flask. Very Punk.
You'll need less to get drunk (which your body will appreciate) and you will look very hard.
Wear cotton underwear.
As for your pants? i don't know what your gender deal is, but could you sacrifice and wear a short skirt for a while? Just a few days. You can wear it with some cotton leggings or something.
If that is too womanly for your tastes, I say invest in a onesie. That being a one piece outfit, sort of like a mechanic would wear. One that is loose enough that it doesn't further infect your crotch. Not only will you look cute and be a walking conversation-starter (do NOT tell people you're wearing it for yeast prevention), but you'll be giving your crotch a break.

when you're at home, chill out in pajama pants. Put on your skin tight outfits only when you leave the house.

That's my advice.
The doctor has spoken.