Mom Jeans, with special guest Katastrophe!

Hello! I have employed guest advisor & fashionable gent, San Francisco based rapper and producer Rocco Kayiatos (a.k.a. Katastrophe) , to step in and help with this very special question about Mom Jeans this week.
If you want to see Rocco's non-matron-like pantaloons in person, you can find him at Portland's Gaycation on January 15th (see flier below).

Until then, our question:







hi nicole.
I'm a queer lady who's been dating a super cute person for the last several months. things are great, there's just this one thing that is bugging me.
he has this favorite pair of jeans that are truly terrible.

i was spared from the jeans when i was falling in love with the person because they were in the mending pile.
they have since been mended and i can't take it!

they are total MOM JEANS. when i see my sweetheart in these jeans, i want to run away.
it literally hurts my eyes to see my date's cute little bod unflatteringly obscured in these jeans.
i feel like, "don't you know those are curvy WOMEN's levi's?"

my date is somewhat masculine-presenting genderqueer, i don't think he knows these are women's jeans, and also i think he doesn't know how weird they make his butt look. is there a way of getting him not to wear the jeans? i mean, you know, besides asking him to please stop wearing them?
HELP!



Rocco Says:

I suppose this leaves you in a bit of a tough spot. If I were in this position I would propose one of two things.

1. Go shopping for new jeans together. Mention that you need new jeans and you would love to see your date in some new denim too. Then, while shopping, fawn over him and his hot bod in the jeans. Get him into a pair that hugs all the right areas and are flattering. Tell him his ass has never looked so hot and that you know he is loyal to his favorite pair, but that in all honesty these look better. Then get him the jeans. Small price to pay, I'd say.


2. Another more duplicitous and severe solution would be to aide in the mysterious disappearance of said pair of jeans, destroy and deny everything. I would not recommend this though, it is setting a precedence of dishonesty.

3. Depending on how close you guys are, you could just be honest and let him know that you think he has a gorgeous body and that those jeans just do not do it justice. Choose your words carefully though.
(Nicole interjects: "These Jeans Do Not Do Your Butt Justice")


Good luck! No one should wear Mom Jeans, even moms.

xo Rocco

And from Nicole:

In this instance, stay away from the hurtful truth route as much as possible. I have employed this "truth" in the past about a certain button-up, and found it only gave my then-date a complex that perhaps I hated ALL of her clothes, not just this one shirt.
Also, would you not smack the mouth of someone who tried telling you what to wear?
I might! (or weep in private. either or.)
Not the right path.

I agree with Rocco that buying your sweetheart a pair of jeans is a small price to pay in order to get rid of the motherly ones; but I have a couple suggestions of my own.

Try talking butt science with your date. Mention that the smaller & higher the pockets, the bigger (in a weird, long, flat way) your butt looks. Say you saw it on Oprah. Something about how larger , lower pockets are your favorite, and you've seen him wear some pants like that and his butt looked awesome.


If you must discuss the Mom-Jeans directly, like if they somehow become resurrected, I'd like to expand upon Rocco's honesty route of taking the angle that your sweetheart is too good for them.
Think-
You Are Hotter Than These Jeans.
and/or
You Can Do Better.

When I inquired with said date about the formerly mentioned button up, she did think one of these sentences would have softened the blow and boosted her self esteem instead of giving her a complex.

Good Luck,
and if those jeans disappear I promise not to tell.

Here's a Style Guide to Men's Jeans

And for the ladies

Hi Nicole,

I dated a pretty cool chick, who's a big part of a particular art/music/performance scene in (Big City Where Everyone Knows Everyone Anyway). It went really well, but one morning in early September she broke up with me out of the blue, with no reasons given or warning signs. I was devastated, but told her I respected her decision and we've cut all contact.

Thing is, I'm still in love with the art/music/performance scene that she had introduced me to (and had been a fan of the particular genre for years--it's one of the things we bonded over), and I miss going to shows. When, if ever, is it appropriate for me to start going out in that scene again?

Thanks ever so!

Best,
Not-A-Creeper-in-NYC

Hi, Not-A-Creeper.
First of all, It seems from your letter that you're very sane & you've stopped going to these shows. I'm glad!

It takes the bigger person to take the high road, and the high road is staying home and watching 30 Rock, hanging out elsewhere, or having one-on-one times with friends for a while.

Sometimes the drama-magnets among us try to claim It's Not Fair and
they Should Be Able To Go Where They Want (after a breakup),
only to then cry to their friends or raise a ruckus after seeing their
Ex with another person, or even alive.
Trifling.

But on to your problem!


Depending on the severity of the breakup & accompanying feelings/awkwardness,
I would wait 2-3 months to go out again.

And even then- I would either go to shows where she may not be (This girl can't be everywhere all the time), or choose wisely.

Like, make sure the show is worth it before you leave the house.
Is it a hit-or-miss dance night that happens on a regular basis? Stay home.
Does this band play regularly? Can you see them with ease another time? See 'em later!
Is someone coming on tour in a once-in-a-lifetime experience? Do It! Have Fun!

When you finally leave the house, go with a posse! Get some exercise so you're not all pent up, relax a little (with deep breathing or what-have-you) so when you see her, you feel groovy.

Then be cordial, attempt small-talk, and chill out on the other side of the room with your friends.

I wonder if inviting her to some giant event would help ease the tension.
Not as a one on one date, but as one person you're inviting to something where you've invited a lot of people.
Like if you hosted a giant party or art reception and invited her to come in a very polite way, just so she knows the olive branch is there
(but it's not a sexy, desperate olive branch).
Then when you see her you'll have something to talk about
"Hey, How Was that party, sorry I couldn't make it..."
"Oh, it was great! I won the limbo contest!"
"Oh man, I forgot how good you were at Limbo!"

It sounds like you handled the break up with grace. I trust that you can handle these social interactions the same way.





Dear Nicole,
I'm poor. I want to make money, and I already have a
job, but that's just barely paying the bills. How do I make some loot
without selling myself on the streets??


Well there goes my first response.

Selling yourself on the streets is underrated.

If you want to sell yourself at home, I suggest the lucrative field of phone sex, where you can make $18 an hour to "ooh" and "ahhh" while you watch t.v. with the captions on.
It's a ground floor way into the lucrative adult industry, and all without ever having to see someone ejaculate!

If that's not your vibe, you'd better start honing another talent.

Are you good at thrifting or fixing things up? Sell things on Etsy or to consignment shops!
Ask your friends if they need help with odd jobs, heavy lifting, house painting, cleaning, etc. Put your vibes out there, let people know, and they will respond.

When I needed extra money last year, I posted some ads on Mama message boards and started babysitting.

If you really want money , I would look around and see if any call centers are in your area, and work a night job.

Have I worked the 11p.m. to 4 a.m. shift at the Disney Catalog ?
Yes I have.

Other ideas:

Lemonade stand, everlasting yard sale, dog walking, pet sitting, chicken sitting, coop cleaning, tabling with your crafts at shows, entering karaoke contests.


dear nicole,
i have an amazing dear-to-me sweetie, and we're in a fulfilling and healthy open relationship.
i also have a really good friend that i'd like to make out with again, but am hesitant.
not sure why.
just a vibe, even though there's clear communication on all sides, and permission/encouragement from my sweetie.
underneath i feel a sense that yes, while it's totally fine, it would disappoint my sweetie in some way.
i've asked a dozen times if there are any issues to discuss and always get reassurance, but when there are in-person encounters with the three of us i see a bit of something in my sweetie's eyes that make me want to run over, give her a big hug, and tell her it's not worth it if she's really not okay.

do i believe her and make out, or should i ask a thirteenth time just to be sure?

sincerely,
reading into things

Hi reading into things,

Is it worth it?
If the amount of processing and pre-guilt that has already happened in a sign of what's to come, I would choose someone else to make out with who's less loaded.

Perhaps the fact that you're returning to this person makes your partner feel unstable.
Perhaps the friendship is the problem.
Maybe they feel weird because they know you'll be spending lots of time connecting with this person (as friends) when you're not making out, and that's threatening. Or they know making strict boundaries with the person (if things go wrong) is off the table.

Perhaps it makes YOU feel unstable & you're projecting onto your partner.

Who knows.
I'm just making blind stabs.
The bottom line is:
Is it worth the processing time?

Just thinking about your situation gives me the makings of an anxiety attack, and so I say no.
But that's just me.

Good Luck!
And may the Poly be with you.






Hey there!
OK so my question is...
I have a friend who is now currently making music.
She just learned how to play some basic guitar, bought a fancy ProTools thing for her computer, etc.
She now is obsessed with playing me her music.
I think it's great that she's learned a new skill and blah blah, but I really hate her music. The lyrics are terrible and trite, trying to be funny at times and failing miserably...the ONE time I even offered a slightly not-so-good reaction, she got really mad and it was a whole huge ordeal.

I could deal if this was like a once a month thing, but lately it's been every time we see each other (about once a week) the bulk of the time is spent with her playing her music for me and then looking at me for my reaction.

How do I deal with this? I really hate her music, but don't quite want to hurt her feelings. Thank you!


Hi There.
Good question, and How Horrible for you!
I once had a roommate who would corner me and play me his romantic acoustic guitar songs ("This one's inspired by Shakespeare") for 10-15 minutes a stretch,
while MAINTAINING CONSTANT EYE CONTACT THE ENTIRE TIME.
I felt like an insecure dog, looking away and trying to break his gaze, all the while attempting to figure out what sort of face I was supposed to be making.

I'm going to break my advice for you into two parts.

1. The Music:

You're not going to LIE, per se, but you are going to avoid giving her a critical review.
Maintain courtesy & respect, and employ your cleverness to think of a way to respond.
"It's very You",
"You're very prolific lately. It's nice to see you so excited." ,
"Your songs have a really cohesive sound",
or pick a part you like
"Nice drum solo!".

Try to figure out a way to be her cheerleader without lying.
Because you like your friend and you want to keep her around. No one wants to hang out with someone who harshes their mellow.

Also, it's not like you have to put your name on the album (hopefully), and lots of people like bad music, so maybe she'll find a niche for herself.

2. Hanging Out:

Can you ask her to just make you a tape or something, so you don't have to sit there with a frozen smile the whole time?

She may not bite, so
You're going to have to meet out on the town for a while.

Movies, Art openings, out for drinks, and parties. If she tries to corner you into hanging out at home, tell her you're beating the wintertime blues by heading out on the town, or that you'd really like to show her this new place or great film!

Hopefully she'll find another friend to torture with her music, or will play a show and find a scene soon so you can go back indoors and be her normal friend again!

A Call for Questions!

Hellooooo Out There.

Another school year is upon us, and so your faithful advisor has been laying low and letting you sort out your own sordid details.

Until Now!

A very important question came into my box, and I'm looking for a few more to beef up the column, so please send them in!

Want to know what to do while your roommate's have loud you-know-what?
How's about discussing beard hair left on the sink?
Want to make a pass at your postman ?

WRITE TO ME!

I'll be posting responses This Wednesday, January 12th.

xoxo
n.g.

Boiling a frog and other live advice for adults only.

Hello!
First, I must disclose that I'm on the tail end of a cold and a little bit out of it. What better time to drum up some answers? If you find a sentence that makes no sense or looks composed by an infant, please blame it on the fog in my head this chilly November afternoon.

I had a live show with Play/Start and Eighteen Individual Eyes last month,and I wanted to share the advice questions & answers with you.
My next event will be at Mississippi Pizza on Thanksgiving Eve, so show up with your anonymous crabs questions in hand!

What can I say to Bank of America to make them (or an employee) un-close my account?? They're EVIL!!!

I would guess that you did something to merit your account closing. In either case, whether you were in the right or the wrong, just take your money to a credit union or a coffee can under your bed. Who wants to deal with Bank of America anyway?


For my 30th birthday next weekend should I get wasted downtown and do a queer takeover of the Barracuda Club or go apple picking?


You've made it this far without getting gay bashed, so why change all of that by showing up to the mouth of beast on your thirtieth birthday?
I say don't chance it. Go apple picking during the day and go to someplace that naturally accepts you, like a queer dance night, at night. No need to feel tension or hate-vibes on your big day!




I'm a transgendered guy but my wife doesn't know. Should I tell her? If so, how?!

I'm pretty sure this is a fake question. It's 2010, this question was submitted on stage at a gay music night in Portland, Oregon, and you're no Billie Tipton.

But in the case that you are, I say go with it. She probably already knows on some level and is living in a deep state of denial. Don't deny her that. Turn off the lights, warm up the apparatus, and enjoy your time together.

OR MAYBE (a la Clue, I'm going to give you a second ending)

MAYBE you got married as lesbians and now you want to come OUT as a trans dude? In which case, try casually testing the waters by showing her pictures of hot trans guys on Facebook and gauge her reaction.

Try starting a conversation about bi-sexuality and see where it goes.

Like a frog in a pot of boiling water, just turn up the heat a little every day. Try packing one day, binding the next! Wear a moustache to bed or a backwards baseball cap!
Then give her some kava kava to loosen up and tell her that your destiny is to be a guy.
She'll either be in or she won't, but hopefully by the time you spill the beans you'll be prepared for her response.


Lately I've noticed that I find more and more items from places like Sears or JC Penny's to be increasingly cute/ desireable. Is this because design is getting better... or is it because I'm getting older?
signed, M.I. Frumpy


Dear potential Frumpster,
I personally think that fashion is swinging our way right now (the fashion of Gretchen Jones aside). There are cute things happening at Sears and JC Penny! You aren't necessarily a frumpster just yet.
If you want to keep it real, get a punk haircut or a facial tattoo or something. Then now matter if you're wearing an over-sized cowl neck sweater or not, you'll still feel connected to youth culture.





I prefer clear cut bush- what's the most tactful way to ask a dating partner to take it down to the skin?


Eek!
Like I recommended to a previous advice-seeker, I say get your date a little bit tipsy and look at some photos together.
Or start a discussion or a fake anectdote :
"Oh, I heard that so and shaves their crotch completely! It sure seems smooth, and what a way to cool down in the summertime....." something like that.
See what she thinks.

Start slow with some trimming shears, maybe a hair cut, then introduce shaving cream. Say it's a kink! See what she thinks.
But I warn you not to shear an unwilling participant. Better to find an already bald partner than to scar a bush-lover for life.



When you're in a relationship, should you throw out all the sex toys you've used with old girlfriends and get all new ones?

Yes and no.
If you have an apparatus you purchased WITH someone else, like you both gripped it and agreed on girth, pooled your money or bought it as a present for the other, then yes- don't be a cheapskate, just throw it away.

New money will come to you , and it's better than having the ghost of christmas past attached to your phallus.

HOWEVER, perhaps you have one that you bought on your own, string-free, and have used here and there along the way. I think you can keep that one in good faith. (Boil it, duh).

Ultimately, it's up to your new lover.
If they say scrap it, or don't want your par-boiled thing around, just pony up the money for something new.
Light a money candle, spin around three times , and you'll find a way.


What should I name my baby?
Thanks! - Jane Doe


Oh that's easy. Just name it Crackers, like Divine's baby in Pink Flamingos. A better baby name I cannot imagine.


I have a coworker who insists on bringing her pennywhistle to work and playing it! She is so proud of her penny whistle-playing skills , but really it is just annoying to everyone. What can I do to stop the pennywhister without hurting her feelings? Sincerely, not a penny lover

Sorry Radical Honesty yahoos, but this will require a bit of lying.
Just walk in one Monday holding your ear and say you either have an ear infection or blew out your ear drum at a concert over the weekend.

Say that any high pitched noises will cause you a world of pain. The penny whistler will either get the hint, or you'll have a "genuine" medical excuse to politely ask her to can it.
Keep it up for a while and eventually the whistle will stop coming to work at all.

If she resurrects her parlor trick later on, just grab your ear and fall to the floor, blaming it on your bum ear.



What is the best comeback?

This is for someone you've been seeing, or even live with.
If they try to break up with you , just say

"Oh... I didn't even know we were dating. Whoa... this must be awkward for you..." .

I think I've given this advice before in a previous column , but it still stands up.



I need to get rid of the tiny ants in my kitchen. Cayenne & citrus haven't worked!
Sincerely, Ants in my Pants

Put some borax in some honey and leave it out for them. The ants will eat it, grasp their little throats and go "!!!!" then keel over. It worked for a lady I babysat for, it can work for you.


What is a good tattoo idea?


An anchor. Or a realistic picture of a bird.



What should we consider if we want to use her brother's sperm to make a baby inside me? How do we keep him "uncle" and not "Dad" ?


Consider using a lawyer and making it clear that he's not "Dad".


My genitals itch. What's up?

You probably have a yeast infection.


No, Seriously. My genitals itch. What. Is. Up!?

YOU PROBABLY HAVE A YEAST INFECTION!!!
Go to the Doctor ,
OR , if you self diagnose as yeast, skip the garlic-on-a-string and go get some Monistat.
Also, don't ride your bike for a week or two.



When giving a dude a hand job what do I do with the balls?

Do nothing with the balls unless asked.
They're really tricky, and kind of delicate, so err on the side of caution and touch them not!
Or just ask. In a sultry whisper way...


How do I tell my neo-nazi friends that I'm jewish? Do you think they'll still like me?

Fake question. Again, received at a queer music night in Portland, Oregon.
Don't have neo nazi friends is my answer.
Also, don't bring neo nazis to a queer show! Leave us out of your poor friend choices! I don't wanna be gay bashed!



How come "fingernails" are so taboo to discuss casually with lesbians & straights? -Baby Dyke

Because Lesbians use their fingers to have sex.

If your straight friends continue to quiz you on it, tell them to
Try putting a press-on-nail on the tip of a penis and let you know if it's still even a question.

BTW I got a thing in the mail about femme fisting with fingernails (By Jessika Fancy, courtesy of Jami "No Better Voice" Thompson) I'd like to share with you, dear readers.

Put cotton balls in the fingertips of a glove (a latex glove, not a dish washing glove, ahem) and THEN you can put your well manicured fingernails into the glove and go to town on your partner's genitals. Hmm!

The more you know.






I think my new boss wants in my pants. I kind of wants in hers. I don't like my job but I kinda like my boss. Thoughts?


Wait until you've put in your 2 weeks notice to ask your boss out for after-work drinks. Doing your boss before then is nothing but trouble.


Some points on grace?

I don't have a lot. BUT , say please and thank you and don't talk about people's friends in public. That's it. Oh, and cross your legs.


CONFIDENTIAL TO SCENESTERS BEHAVING BADLY:
what to do when someone you know behaves irresponsibly and fucks over your friend and then you see them around town and want to tell them that they suck?

ps - and they are friends of people you like?

This is a good time to exhibit some grace!
You could either
A) Be polite to them in public. Not overtly friendly , just polite. Just, "Hi" and a smile or something.
or
B) If you're feeling passionate, approach them online or alone and say "Hey, I really wasn't into this thing I saw happen between you and so and so, and if I act weird to you, it's because I'm trying to be supportive of them. "

Maybe they'll tell you something you don't know about the situation, who knows. Or maybe they'll just understand and you'll have some space and that will be that.

You don't have to be all Mean Girls about it, just be an adult. Let them know how you feel (or just act polite), and move on. Focus more on being a friend to your friend and an enemy to their enemies.


THE END.

"I have a crush on a vampire..."

Live advice from 2010 Sister Spit tour with special guest Leo Plass

I'm Back

Hello Readers, Happy Summer!

Please enjoy the archives of Ask Nicole,
and send any burning questions my way.


Sincerely,

n.g.

I was an asked to do an advice table at the library's Keep Portland Weird Fest last weekend. I may do a comic about it in the future, but for now, here is a list of questions I received, as well as a comic by one of them, which I found online the next day.

Please note that children were apt to ask me questions not related to advice, but to facts like "What is the longest word in the dictionary?", and adults often mistook me for a psychic. Men tried to challenge my "America's Smartest Girl" title, and/or told me I looked pretty before assuring me they weren't being creepy, just telling me.

*******Here they are, 37 quandaries from Portland, Oregon:***********************

Will I find love in the next 3 months?

My hampster died, should I get a new one?

Why did Abraham Lincoln try to save America?

How do I meed Conservative women, as an Atheist?

Does this guy at school like me?

How many days are in a year, because I forget.

Should I leave my job in late December or early January?

My roommate's cat has pneumonia, what can we do to make her comfortable while she finished her antibiotics?

Should I get another dog?

Should we get a new car?

What is the meaning of life?

What should I give my wife for Christmas?

Should I go to Cuba to go to medical school for free?

Should I join the military to pay for school?

My baby waked up 10-15 times per night, what can we do?

Should I meet a guy that I've been talking to on the internet?

My friend keeps meeting guys who just use her. She wants a boyfriend. How can I help her?

What kind of birthday party should I have?

(getting mistaken for a psychic): Should I do the move I've been thinking of?

Is it more important to do something or to have people approve of what you do?

What's the meaning of life (x2)?

How to know yourself?

What's the longest word in the dictionary?

What do you do after you squash a bug?

How many seconds are in 5 weeks?

Should I go to California for my birthday?

What hairstyle should I have?

How do I get women to like me?

How do I make friends in Portland ? (x3)

What can I do for my mentally ill neice?

What makes Portland Weird?

Where is the best place for candy?

How do I find investors for my children's book project?

My girlfriend likes to stare at me. How do I handle this?