Some Questions from the Road: Water sports, desperation, PC Police & More!

Good morning, readers!
I've just returned from a month-long tour of the United States, where I answered anonymous advice questions in a live setting, along-side the incredible Cassie J. Sneider.
I have a backpack full of these tiny slips of paper, and will try to answer them in a rapid-fire style as the Spring wears on.  Hopefully I can even have Cassie guest on a few posts.
Sincerely
n.g.


How much job satisfaction does one need? Is living in the cubicle kingdom ever okay?

You need to either have a job that satisfies you, or a job that doesn't drain too much of your brain power so you can do the things you like to do after work. One or the other. Most artists do not make a living off of their art, which is why it is important to have a job you can deal with during the day in order to fund your projects and not vampire you to death in the meantime.

I want to be a writer, but I don't even take myself seriously when I say that. Also, I'm in a mega depressive funk and can't make anything so I feel like a fraud when I say "writer". Help?

If you want to be a writer, all you have to do is write. Even if it is only for 20 minutes a day,  just write.
Then walk to a photocopier, put it together into a little booklet, and pass it out to your friends & writers/publications you respect. Voila- you are a writer. It is not rocket science, do not trip out on it. If you are a writer it is because there is something you need to write. Just do it. 

Hello! I'm in a primary partnership with myself. What are some fun free date ideas? (completely serious)

Go for a walk, go watch t.v. at the gym, go sit somewhere and write or draw, go to karaoke, take yourself to a movie for $3, have some quality time with your vibrator, go to Powells and read, go to Zumba, go pet dogs at the Humane Society, go spend a nickel on an ice cream cone.

How much do I like this guy? Enough to put up with occasional pot smoking and weekend drunkenness? Am I too old for this?

It sounds like you are too old for this. This question reeks of growing resentment. Cut & run! It sounds like he's getting on your nerves, and he's not going to change, so if you aren't willing to change (you don't have to, actually) then bail before you are dragging your anger like an albatross!

How do I politely tell my friends they are being politically incorrect, even when they should realize that they are... 

Ugh. Please do not passive aggressively call them out on Facebook. If you must talk to them about something, because it's hurtful or will get them in trouble, do it privately. Try to make a personal connection (i.e. My uncle is ___________ , or say "you aren't allowed to say _________!" and explain why).

Don't let it eat at you. Your new mantra: "We are on the same side." At the end of the day, are they well-meaning? Do they politically have your  back when the chips are down? Remember that! You may live in a radical bubble, but in the grand scheme of things that is rare and worth something.

Take off your judges robes and powdered wig, set down the gavel and have a friendly conversation about semantics if they're bugging you or embarrassing themselves. Otherwise, chill!

I'm from Montreal and have lived here most of my life, and a lot of people I love are here. But winter makes me want to smash my face into the sidewalk- should I move away?

Sure, try it. Not forever, just try spending a month or two somewhere sunny and see how you like it.
Texas, California, Arizona, Hawaii- sign up for a residency somewhere and dry out for a bit.
 If you are too homesick you can always move back. Remember, you just get this one life. If you see yourself somewhere tropical, go do it!

What are good ways to meet people that isn't a bar?

A karaoke bar is a bar, but really it is such an excellent place. Okay, otherwise- volunteer somewhere. I don't know what your gender situation is, but volunteering with the Rock'n'Roll Camp for Girls is an amazing way to meet strong, interesting women-identified-people from around the world. Look it up in your area, get in your car, and go help out.

What's a good "just because I think you're the best ever" gift for my friend?

Flowers, my new book Calling Dr. Laura, Cassie's book Fine Fine Music, some chocolates from Lagusta's Luscious, or a Lil' Bub totebag.   

This person I like seems desperate, like they would hook up with anyone willing. Should I even bother, or am I going to be another warm body?

Firstly, you sound a little judgmental and like you are painting them with a very broad brush. Can you investigate their current desperation situation without getting too far in?
If it is true, that they are throwing themselves around indiscriminately, then it sounds like you might catch something. Pass on the opportunity, unless you also are hard up and can see this as a purely functional arrangement. Like just to get your vibes rolling, or for physical fitness.

I think I have a drinking problem. What should I do?

Go to AA, duh.
Not a joke. Just go there. Can your excuses about not wanting a higher power, and just step into some meetings. DO IT.

What do you feel is the best way to memorialize Whitney Houston? How did you?

With karaoke, recording a cover song, making a zine about her life or painting a portrait of her.  

How do I hit "Rock Bottom" already?

Make out with a puppet. See example: Graham.

Should I dye my greys?

Only if they are blended in with some other hideous hair color you are trying to hide.
Otherwise, be grey and free! Distinguished!

Best place for water sports apart from a bath tub?

A tarp. A bed with a rubber sheet. The kitchen or the back yard. Or a bucket!!!

Unsolicited Advice, re:Home Euthanasia

Photo by Chelsey Johnson, 2008

Hello, Readers.
As you  may or may not know, I am keeper to two very geriatric dogs. Beija, who is recovering from cancer, and Wishbone, the senile terrier.  As of this week, I am down to one dog.

We had Wishbone put down (you can read her obituary here) on Monday, and I wanted to give you the most valuable advice that my sister gave to me: Have your pets put down at home.

Secondly (and this is from me), look into Euthanasia far in advance, so that when the time comes and your mind and heart are all fogged up and confused, you know what your bottom line is.

If you have pets, please take a moment and consider this.

I know that you are attached to your animal, but don't worry- magical thinking isn't real. If you accept that Euthanasia and death are and option, it is not the same as putting a hex on your creature. What it is, is making a plan for the future to give them the gift of a compassionate, swift exit from a failing body.

It's just like a living will- consider under what conditions you would and would not want to be alive if you were them. Also consider what you are willing to do, medically, to keep them alive. What is fair to them, what is fair to you, and what you can afford. It's vulgar and awful to even mention money when considering your best friend's life, but it's real.

For my dogs I've assessed their quality of life (happiness, mobility, appetite, comfort), then their age.
You can also consult an official Quality of Life Scale as your pet ages, to keep track of changes and discomforts that may have happened so gradually you take them for granted. Here is another one.


About home euthanasia:
 It is such a "duh", I can't believe I never considered it before being lectured by my sweet sister on how it was the right thing to do.  I didn't even realize it was an option.

A kind, professional veterinarian came to our home, administered a sedative, and then the final O.D. to stop Wishbone's heart.
Wishbone got to die while laying on my chest, sleeping. She was so at peace, she didn't even lift her head the whole time the vet was in our home.
She didn't have to be transported to another venue full of bright lights and unfamiliar smells.
Another bonus was that Beija got to be a part of the process. She got to sniff Wishbone after she was gone, and understood immediately what had happened. This might sound morbid to you, but it saved Beija from having the anxious searching that dogs sometimes have for their companions when they don't know why or where they've gone.

In Oregon, I recommend Compassionate Care Pet Euthanasia.
They were kind, professional, and handled all of the after-death issues as well (cremation, etc).

Be well, love your pets, and thank you for reading this and considering this in advance.

n.g.

Live Advice from Gridlords, Part I

Dear Nicole, 
My mom is a scrappy & obstinate 59 year old. She plans to move soon to a smaller, easier to manage and maintain home due to health issues and gradually waning physical strength. I am her only remaining child & will be doing approximately 90% of the grunt work involved in the move. How can I appeal to her (should I?) to jettison the 100+ bowling balls she has obsessively & randomly collected over the last 10 years? I will have to pack, move, & unpack these goddamned things! WHAT TO DO?

Dear Bowling Ball Child,
You need to say: "Mom, I love you. I am happy to help you  move, but I cannot move those bowling balls. I just can't do it. They are unwieldy and it is stressing me out. I'll help you with everything else.
If you want to keep them, we need to find you some movers."

 Dear Nicole,
I was raised without a t.v., and up until now, lived as an adult without internet, or most technologies. However, I just got and iPhone. I realize I have no ability to tune out media. How do I learn to not be constantly sucked in?

Dear iPhone K-hole,
First of all, buy this print by Dan Moynihan, because TIME IS FLEETING. 
 Then get off the internet.
A few rules: when you are around other human beings, especially ones you don't see every day, stay off your phone. Keep your ringer off. At meals? Stow it. Having a conversation? Ignore it. At home and want to commune with loved ones instead of zone out like an alien? Keep the ringer off and put it in a drawer.
If  you have a real problem, like you can't get any work done or you think it is effecting your relationships, enlist someone (your spouse or friends) to remind you to quit it if you slip and use your iphone when you are supposed to be working or communicating with physical humans.
There is a guy who hired a woman to come to his house and slap him across the face whenever he looked at Facebook instead of doing his job. Get that, only don't pay them.
Also, there are programs you can download to shut down your internet while you are working. Check it out!

Dear Nicole, 
How do I tell a relation (whom I love) that he's selfish and a big sponge, without ruining our relationship forever?

Dear Truther,
You can't!
All you can do is make boundaries and take care of yourself so that person can't sponge off of you.
Accept that they are a lovable mooch, they're not going to think about you (because as you said, they are "selfish"), and that you just aren't going to do them copious favors or give them money. They'll be fine, they'll survive, and you won't have to give them anything that makes you uncomfortable or resentful.

Telling that person your harsh judgments of them is not going to strengthen your relationship or make them a better person.

Dear Nicole, 
Sometimes when I wipe my butt after pooping, there's blood. Is that what being a woman is like? Should I bring this up on dates so I seem more relatable? Please help. 

Dear Everyone,
Do you see the kinds of "questions" I have to put up with when I do live advice? People testing my knowledge of math and physics, people asking personal questions about my love life, people asking hogwashy philosophical questions to be cute. and now this. A man asking me if blood coming out of your butt is what it's like to be a woman.
Dear Person,
No, that is not what it's like to be a woman. THANKS FOR ASKING!
Never mention this to a woman. 
Go see a doctor, stop straining so hard, and gimme a break. That is my advice.

Speed Advice from Short Run: Part II

Good Morning, Advice Lovers!
I present Part II of live speed advice given at the Short Run Small Press Fest in Seattle, Washington last month. Read on. 

How can I make shoes at home?

Staple a strip of cloth to a piece of wood and then slide your foot in there. Voila, it's a shoe!
Or, use empty Kleenex boxes.


Dear Nichole, 
The ghost of my dead cat keeps visiting me at night when I sleep. How can I tell her spirit that it's okay to rest now? 
Signed, Haunted

Dear Haunted,
I think it's more a matter of you resting and letting go. Do you know what I mean?
It is important, once the initial grieving process is over, to take down the giant shrine that you've made to your dead cat. A photo (or pet portrait, ahem) is fine, but if you have many kitten and cat photos strewn around the house, or her collar on your bedside table, you are haunting yourself with the ghost of feline past, and it will not help your brain move on to the present and put your sweet cat to rest.
Tell her, audibly, that you loved her so much, but it's time to go now. She'll understand. 
If your cat persists, then perhaps she is a part of your psyche that represents something else.
But what?

Name one song based on crows. NOT BLACK BIRDS!

This is not advice.
But how about any song by Counting Crows? Mr Jones? I know that doesn't count, and I'm sorry for reminding you that that song exists at all.

What do you think of Cross-Fit? Is it a fad, or a good exercise program?

I think Cross-Fit looks very difficult, which is great. It doesn't matter if it's a fad or not. It probably is a fad, but so what- it's better to vary your exercise routine and work out different muscles at different difficulties than to do non-fad things endlessly for your whole life. What's not an exercise fad, walking? Zzzzzzzz.
All of that said, please be careful if you do Cross-Fit. If you are not used to the crazy things they make you do, you may damage something, so make sure you are honest with your self and your body, don't try to be a hero about it, and listen to your instructor.

Who let the dogs out?

Who? Who, who?

How do you get WiFi up in this piece?

I never found out- I just used 3G.
Ask the front desk.

What should I do to kill time at Short Run when my bf is wandering for hours?

It depends if you are at a table or not. If you are stuck at a table,
construct narratives in your head about each person who approaches your spot.
Imagine a story line for them, and how they are related to the person who walked by before them.
Are they swingers? Step-brothers? Co-workers at a rat milking factory?

I also like to imagine how much better every person would look with a good haircut.
I used to do this when I went to Midnight Mass with my family on Xmas. I would give every lady a black bouffant hairdo in my mind, like Michelle Mae from the Makeup. She had some of THE BEST hair I had ever seen on a contemporary person. They looked great.  

If all else fails,
Go buy the Bad Roommate Zine from my table, hole up somewhere and read it.

Speed Advice from Short Run: Part I

I'm back! 
My dog/horcrux had cancer and it felt like I was dying, so I couldn't wrap my brain around your advice questions for a time, but now she is back up and running and thusly, so am I. 

I am here to deliver fast answers to burning questions received during the Short Run Small Press Fest in Seattle Washington. 

Enjoy. 

How do you deal with Mother-in-laws? Am-I-Right?

You treat them kindly, respectfully, and politely and you do not burden your husband/wife with what an a-hole you may think your mother in law is, because it is THEIR mother and they have to deal not only with her but also you (!!!) and it will stress them out.
You can minorly vent, but seriously don't make it his/her problem.

 What should I do when I give my cat rabies?

Put your cat to sleep, because now it has rabies.

What should a person do when they are right and everyone else is wrong?

Great question. Well first you should check and make sure your name isn't Nicole J. Georges, because that is technically the space *I* occupy, but after that, be polite to people and don't tell them they're always wrong or they won't want to be around you any more. Just pretend like what they are saying is right some times and then go home and tell your dog or your girlfriend how righteous and correct you are about all things.

How can I bring a chicken into my life?

1. Ask your neighbors
2. Ask the landlord
3. Build/obtain a high-security coop (VERY IMPORTANT)
4. Scope some chickens on Craigslist.
5. Go get them from a chicken-hoarders house and make sure you have a security plan in place in case you get trapped in a chicken cage and sold as livestock.
5.5. Do not get chicks from a random store- they probably come from a hatchery, which is as good as buying a Butterball (tm) turkey from the market, cruelty-wise. There are plenty of chickens around who are from reputable places where their mothers are not kept in battery cages and whose little brothers don't get ground up alive. Seriously, people-  LOOK IT UP. 
6. Bring home chickens, feed them, water them, collect eggs & clean their home once a week or more.

Who is going to win the election?

President Obama.

Mozart?

Sure. Not advice.

Do you think 30 years old is too young to give in to only wearing stretch pants 4 EVA?

Not if the stretch pants are leggings. Leggings are very "in" right now, and offer the comfort of a stretch or sweat  pant without the unsightly sight of actually wearing a sweat pant in public. I recommend leggings and tights, young 30 something.

How does one keep from being consumed by jealousy when people are getting more money for their inferior zine?

Just know that money doesn't always follow talent, and fewer people will want to buy your zine is you look like a bitter old jealous shrew. Plenty of untalented people get rewarded for their art all the time. Have you ever heard of Gallagher?

 Just do something that you like and that makes you happy so that when you go home with a stack of 10000 unsold zines at the end of the day you'll at least be able to enjoy them.


That's all for now, folks. I will post the rest of these in Speed Advice from Short Run: Part II next week! 

xoxoxoxo
n.g.

Order my new calendar and support my dog's life! http://etsy.com/shop/spinstersummer

Ergh, Rapists.

This is the face I made when I read this question:

Dear Nicole, 
I am having an ethical crisis: I met this guy and we have amazing chemistry, it makes me dizzy. I don't want to date, I just want a booty call for brutal raunch and for this he seemed perfect. Then I told a friend about it and she told me she knew him and that he raped her. I believe her- it's the kind of "acquaintance rape" scenario that happens all the time- but I still think he's hot. I feel terrible. Is it condoning rape and rape culture to sleep with him? 

What about just thinking he's hot? 

When I told a different friend about the situation, she said she thinks most guys would bone a sleeping girl. Is that true?!

Signed, 
Someone with a Boner for Bad Guys


Dear Someone,

This question is upsetting! Here's the short of it:

1. Do not reward him for his bad behavior by sleeping with this guy.

2. There are so so many handsome dudes who would love to have brutally raunchy sex with you who are not rapists.  Move on.

3. I don't want him to rape you! Tell him to buzz off!

4. If I was your friend and I knew you'd continued to bone my rapist, it would make me physically ill.

5. Can you still think he's hot? I'm not going to play Portland Mind-Police here. You can thinking whomever you want is hot. Even if they are the worst person in the world.
Black hearted sociopaths are sometimes handsome and have a dangerous thing going for them.
They, like all feral animals, are for looking but not touching.

In real life, find someone nice and then just pretend they're a BHS from time to time.

Au revoir!

n.g.

P.s. Your friend who said that "most guys" would bone a sleeping girl is TRIP-PING. Ugh! Argh! Blargh! I am rolling around on the ground Argh-ing and hitting my head against the wall right now just thinking of the idea that she even told you that.
What! What planet.... Who.... What!?
Was she born in a garbage can and raised by rats??? No! Not true. Girlfriend needs to splash some water on her face and break free of the scum bags who made her think that.

What is this, Elm Street? 9, 10 Never sleep again, or your might get RAPED? Jesus Christ!

Dating As the Dust Settles

Dear Nicole, 
Me and someone have a longtime crush. They just broke up with their partner. 
Both of these revelations came at the same time. 
How do I stay out of the breakup shrapnel zone so I don't get ripped
up and can have my own dang relationship?

Signed, 
Trying to Keep it Cool


Dear Cool,

Do you want this to become something other than a fling?
If so, I advise you to cool your jets.

Take some physical space for at least 2 weeks (preferable
two MONTHS)  to give your
crush some room to be sad and not fill that feelings-hole with
you.
Then start slow, like actual dating.

A Side Note, Confidential to Lesbians across the U.S.:
"Dating" is a prolonged series of short hangouts intended for you 
to suss out if someone is a good romantic fit before you 
spend every waking moment together & dive into a 
super-bonded faux marriage.
Sometimes *some* people become overwhelmed with their feelings
(or p*ssy) and chain themselves to someone whose 
faults they don't even know yet. To those I say, 
chill! Date! Date around!

Anyway, back to Cool,
Be strict! Your crush will be lonely and you will be
excited, and it will be tough to say no,
but chew a stick if you have to and wait it out.
If your crush has lasted this long, it can sustain
another couple of weeks/months while the dust is
settling. 

Last but not least, think of the feelings of the
person your crush is breaking up with. You need
to respect their space, the relationship they've had
that is falling apart, and give them some time to
have a proper funeral.

Good luck!

n.g.