Relationship Rock, with input from Katy Davidson!

Dear Nicole, 

My boyfriend and I are in a band together. He's been playing

in bandsforever, but this band is the first band he's played

in that takes it seriously and tours a lot. 

I've been in a somewhat a little popular band, and I'm a lot

more recognized in town. For this band, my boyfriend writes 

almost all of the music, and I mostly write the

vocal parts and sing and play keyboards live. 

He also does a lot of the design. 

He does a lot of work for the band.
 

Because I'm more established in town and in the rest of the 

country, I get recognized a lot more for the band than he

does.

He feels like I overshadow him, even though he feels like he 

contributes more, and I think he resents me for it. 

He gets credit for everything on the albums, and I try to 

give him credit when I'm in conversations with other people.

 It's making him feel bad that people are excited that
"I" have a new project, and they often overlook his 

contributions and give me more credit than I deserve. 

Is there anything I can do about
either other people's perceptions, or his perception 

that his work goes unrecognized?

Signed, 

Reluctant in Rhode Island

Dear Reluctant, 

You deserve whatever respect you are receiving from music 

fans in your hometown and across the nation. 

This IS "Your New Project". 

You are involved, people who like you get to hear your voice

and influence. You should be able to enjoy the attention you 

are receiving for hard work you've done in the past and today. 

It's also your boyfriend's New Project, and if he is getting

people to listen to his music and support his art because 

they are already a fan of yours, then he should be glad.

What's the big deal? He is getting more attention 

than he would have before because he has teamed up with you. 

Let's pause for a minute to note: This problem has nothing to

do with music and everything to do with ego. 

People can read. If they read the album notes they can see 

that he writes the songs.

It's fine if they're still excited about your involvement. 

I have been on music tours with band-mates who were

(deservedly)more recognized than myself for their art. 

I have been on literary tours with authors who were

(deservedly) more recognized than myself for their art. 

I received the benefit of a wider audience based on these

people deciding to work with me or take me along. I had no

reason to resent them for their past accomplishments.

I just felt grateful and lucky to be involved. 

Do you think everyone in the Corin Tucker band is just 

seething at all times because she's getting attention for 

the band? No! That would be insane. 

They are happy to be PLAYING MUSIC TOGETHER.

I asked musician Katy Davidson her input on this question,

and her answer was simple. To paraphrase:

 "Tell the dude to take his ego out of it and

focus on the music." 

I concur. 

Regarding credit:

It is great that you make an effort to give your boyfriend 

credit where credit is due, both personally, in public, and 

conversationally.

It is great that you validate his contributions to the band. 

That's all you can do. Keep doing it. 

The rest is up to him. 

Please don't apologize for your success. 

Sincerely, 

N.G.  

Katy Davidson has been playing music professionally for a

long long time. Her most recent musical project is called

Key Losers. She is also one half of the groovy duo 

Lloyd and Michael. 

She is currently touring the globe playing keyboards

in Gossip. Find out more about Katy here. 

By the way, the Corin Tucker Band released a new video

TODAY! Check them out, they are on tour right now!   

Gossiping and the Poly Perspective

Dear Nicole, 
When is something considered gossip? Can there be positive/nice gossip?
-Gilly in Germania

Dear Gilly,
Here's an anticdote that may or may not resonate with you: 

Several years ago I was talking to a friend (let's call her Gomer) who'd been hanging out with a new group of partying queers.
Gomer said, "I don't understand why they are friends with each other- all they do is talk behind each others backs".
I hadn't ever heard anyone actually say this out loud before and I thought it was important:
If you choose someone to be your friend, then you are saying you like that person, and you should treat them as such. Which might mean not saying mean or weird things about them behind their backs.
 
 If you are saying nice things behind a friend's back, it's not gossip- it's just talking nice (which is very feminist).

If you are talking about a friend's problems or behavior behind their back and it's not for a specifically helpful purpose  (i.e. you are rallying the troops to have an intervention or getting advice you WILL USE when dealing with a difficulty that's arisen), then you are gossiping.

Now listen- some people are unabashed gossips and they don't care. Hey- if you want to talk bad about everyone you know and cultivate weird vibes, that's your business. Own it!
Don't pretend like you were doing something inherently therapeutic by spreading other people's business. "VENTING" ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS TO OTHER PEOPLE THEY KNOW IS NOT THERAPY. It's gossip.

If you must vent, I think it is okay for you to speak freely about your friends with one intimate partner who can listen to you and keep their nose out of it. If you don't have that, then one friend who (ideally) does not know them is fine.

Because you know what is the worst? When you've been a party to some gossip about a friend and then you see them and you have this film of weirdness over your entire body because you have just been brewing and stewing bad vibes behind their back and now here you are trying to have a kind conversation to their face. No thank you.

Another thing about gossip: If you are traveling or working in close proximity to other people (i.e. You are on tour or in an office together), I recommend you do NOT gossip about them to other people you are traveling/working with!
This is a tour "Do" that I learned along the way- if you need to vent, save it up and do it at a friend's house on a day or night off. It's better then being in cahoots with someone else in the van/office and sullying the good vibes of the team.

Take care, Gilly, and don't you DARE say anything behind my back!

n.g.

p.s. I admit to being a full-fledged frothing at the mouth gossip sometimes. But not always. I try! 

Dear Nicole, 
From a poly perspective:  Should I tell my current sexual partners that one of my partners is pregnant with my child?
 -Knocking Up in Yonkers

Dear Knocking,

I don't think you  need to tell a sexual partner that your current partner is knocked up unless you are planning to sleep with them more than three times, and/or get into something more significant than a short term bone-sesh. If you find yourself gazing dreamily at them after encounter number two and suspect this may go further than a roll in the hay, I say disclose. You don't want them to pin any hopes on you that you can't fulfill.
 
Good luck, and tell that baby "Hello" for me.

n.g.

p.s. I am advising you with the assumption that your pregnant partner knows and is totally kosher with your polyamorous ways.

Groat Techniques for Football Players and You

Dear Nicole,
 You once said you made a great raw breakfast dish with groats, tell me how! 
 Sincerely Groatesque

Dear Groatesque, 

I'm glad you asked!
Buckwheat groats (hulled buckwheat) are unroasted, whole, raw, or white buckwheat kernels

"Consuming groats has become increasingly popular among NFL players, who often cite the sustained energy that groats provide. " -Wikipedia

I eat groats every single morning. 
Many people dehydrate their groats. I do not. 

Here is what I do:

First, Soak a cup of groats in a bowl of water (covered) overnight. That's 8 hours to you. 

Next, rinse the slime (yes, slime) off the groats in a colander. 

Keep them in the colander! Put it over a bowl so they can drip their slime into it. 

Cover the colander with a lid or a towel, and keep the groats moist for another 4-8 hours, 
or until they grow the smallest of tails. This may require you re-rinsing them every 2 hours or so.

DO NOT LET THE TAILS GET TOO LONG. It's not the end of the world if you do, 
but if they get long tadpole tails they will start tasting like a sprout, which is a bit strong and earthy for a morning cereal, don't you agree?

This photo shows groats with tails that are too long. Try for ones that are short. Short little white tails that haven't had the chance to curl yet.

After they have short tails, you can keep them in a tightly sealed Tupperware in the refrigerator for (in my experience) 3-4 days. I keep extra sprouted groats in the freezer and defrost them when I'm ready to eat them. 

The groats will have metamorphosed into something different than a grain, they will now spread their wings and become a vegetable. 


"When you sprout groats they become a vegetable instead of a grain. That transformation makes them easier to digest."-A commenter whose photo made them look like they knew what they were talking about

I prepare my morning groat-meal (har har) by spooning some groats into a bowl with soy yogurt and fruit. Add sweetener if you must.

Here is a photo some stranger posted of their groats with fruit and rice milk.

Note: A lot of people dehydrate theirs. I like the texture of a soaked, hydrated groat, so I don't.
If you see a vine coming out of my nose at some point, then perhaps I was wrong.
In the meantime, I'm fine. I think they are tasty, toothsome little bits. Add them to a raw parfait with cashew cream and fruit and die of happiness.
 

I will be honest: I got most of this advice from a blog called Raw Love .

Rapid Fire and Lengthy Advice.

What is the best way to deal with a friend who has been complaining about their girlfriend for years, saying the same things over and over and just sounding like a harsh jerk?

Tell her to quit her girlfriend or quit talking to you about it because it's making you feel weird about her girlfriend and/or just stressing you out.


How cougar is cougar?

It depends on your age.
If the younger person is under 25, I'd say around 8-10 years would officially be a cougar or chicken hawk situation.
If the younger person is over 25, you can boost that up to between 10 & 15 years.
Coug on.
BUT
Don't date anyone you've been in a mentorship role with. That's called grooming and it's inappropriate, Mary Kay Letourneau territory.













How do you cope with an obsessive worry about impending nuclear drift?

I have a couple of websites for you to look at.
This one is from the Radiation Network, an independent group measuring radiation around the U.S. .
The second is Oregon's webpage listing current hazards.
Oregon doesn't want their citizens to perish or look like Blinky the fish. Trust in them!

If it's still bugging you,
Have some miso soup with kombu, sprinkle some nori on your rice, and take a hot bath.
Go for a run or a bike ride to get it out of your head and know that you've done all you can.
In fact, why not take some of that nervous energy and transform it into something useful by wildly donating to the many Earthquake Relief organizations serving those most affected by the devastation in Japan.

P.S.
Maybe a radiation preparedness kit would help sooth your mind. Then you'd know that no matter what happens, you can casually throw on your gas mask, choke down some Iodide, and start driving East, confident that you've escaped the rays.



A mostly straight girl and I have exchanged interest in dating and over a month and a half have developed an intimate friendship.. not physical though. I asked her out again and she sounds super ambiguous about it still.
Part of me wants to call it quits all togeths but don't know if i risk the chance of losing our friendship. I'm conflicted. Am I kidding myself by thinking I have a chance or am I being strung along?

I borrow from a sometimes-wise friend when I say:
Anything that's not a Yes is a No.

Don't try to get into her head or guess about how much she likes you. If she's being ambiguous, then she's not ready.

She's not into you ENOUGH to dash to the head of the line and put in her application.

So move her into the "No" pile and move on.
Keep the friendship light. Lite even.
But don't waste your romantic vibes on a trifling fool.










Advice Needed:
If a friend of a friend gives you a placenta from a recent birth so your food club can eat it, do you remain in semi regular contact with her? Xmas cards? Keep up with the baby? What is the protocol?

You are under no obligation to keep in regular contact, BUT a thank you card is required. A small gift for the baby or some flowers would also be a kind way to show your thanks for the gift of her organ meat.























Dear Nicole,

I need some advice...because someone wants on with my girlfriend! The 'someone' is a friend of a very good friend, so it's not really possible to avoid her completely. My g.f. and I are in a monogamous relationship, and I don't really have a problem with how she has reacted to this situation, though I don't really understand the whole "trying to out-butch each other" thing that she and 'someone' do. My girlfriend says she doesn't like this 'someone' either, but is still friendly when we see her (as am I - it's the Midwest in me).

So this 'someone' (who has a girlfriend, btw) does all the classic B.S. - ignoring me, being way too interested in my girlfriend, doing her favors, etc. She's also got that playa playa charisma - she can talk anyone into anything. It makes me feel insanely jealous and threatened when we are around 'someone' and feel like crap for days afterwards. I also know that I have trust and self-esteem issues and this situation is aggravating them. I don't know if I should say something to 'someone', or talk to my girlfriend more about it, or maybe say something to the mutual friend?

I feel like I could use some psychic armor to wear around this 'someone' too - any recommendations?

Thanks!
-Irritated in Irvington

Dear Irvington,

Well there is NOTHING worse than a would-be homewrecker.

Look, Portland lezzies, there are plenty of dykes in the sea. Start flippin over rocks and licking toads like the rest of us did to find our dates.
You need not tread on the monogamous!

With that said, Irvington, your psychic armor is this phrase: What Will Be Will Be, and if my girlfriend can be lured away by a philandering snake oil salesman, then I'm better off without her.
Fatalistic? Perhaps, but you'll be fine either way.

Anyway, In a tragic twist of fate, the worse you feel about this and the more you pester your girlfriend, the less attractive you will seem. Unfair but true.

It would be helpful for you to set up some boundaries together.
If your girlfriend agrees and can adhere to some boundaries within your relationship, that's all you can ask for.
If your girlfriend complies and you're STILL trippin', then you need to take a chill pill or go see a therapist on your own so you do not project all of this energy onto her.

Here are my suggestions of boundaries to make clear before moving on:

1. How much they're going to hang out

In my monoga-prude perspective, if someone's trying to get with your man, then your man need not hang out with that person alone.
I'm not saying they shouldn't be pals - You WANT your person to have friends, but one on one is too intimate and date-y to me.
It seems a little QUEER to me.

2. The favors

Your girlfriend needs to understand that these favors are not from some Good Samaritan trying to spread joy into the world, and the more favors she accepts from this person, the more she's feeding their boner fire.
So,
a gentle non acceptance of favors isn't going to kill anyone.

Example: "Oh, you know what- I found someone to help me move. Thank you so much for offering, though... bro. "

Instead of:
"Wow, thanks for helping me move AND unpacking my stuff AND offering to try out my new bed for me! That is so awesome of you! You know what? I WOULD like a massage, after all. You wouldn't mind? Oh, that's great, that's greeeaattttttt......."

NOTE: These boundaries or interactions need to come from the mouth of your girlfriend to the ears of the dunce who is courting her.
You shall be elsewhere, enjoying your life independently as your girlfriend fields all questions, calls and come ons.

Good luck and take care.

(If all else fails, there's a great song called
"Hit That Bitch With A Bottle" that I like. Maybe you can listen to that on repeat as you hit a punching bag or try out kick boxing, so that you don't engage in any actual girl on girl violence. OR... just hit that bitch with a bottle. )

Mom Jeans, with special guest Katastrophe!

Hello! I have employed guest advisor & fashionable gent, San Francisco based rapper and producer Rocco Kayiatos (a.k.a. Katastrophe) , to step in and help with this very special question about Mom Jeans this week.
If you want to see Rocco's non-matron-like pantaloons in person, you can find him at Portland's Gaycation on January 15th (see flier below).

Until then, our question:







hi nicole.
I'm a queer lady who's been dating a super cute person for the last several months. things are great, there's just this one thing that is bugging me.
he has this favorite pair of jeans that are truly terrible.

i was spared from the jeans when i was falling in love with the person because they were in the mending pile.
they have since been mended and i can't take it!

they are total MOM JEANS. when i see my sweetheart in these jeans, i want to run away.
it literally hurts my eyes to see my date's cute little bod unflatteringly obscured in these jeans.
i feel like, "don't you know those are curvy WOMEN's levi's?"

my date is somewhat masculine-presenting genderqueer, i don't think he knows these are women's jeans, and also i think he doesn't know how weird they make his butt look. is there a way of getting him not to wear the jeans? i mean, you know, besides asking him to please stop wearing them?
HELP!



Rocco Says:

I suppose this leaves you in a bit of a tough spot. If I were in this position I would propose one of two things.

1. Go shopping for new jeans together. Mention that you need new jeans and you would love to see your date in some new denim too. Then, while shopping, fawn over him and his hot bod in the jeans. Get him into a pair that hugs all the right areas and are flattering. Tell him his ass has never looked so hot and that you know he is loyal to his favorite pair, but that in all honesty these look better. Then get him the jeans. Small price to pay, I'd say.


2. Another more duplicitous and severe solution would be to aide in the mysterious disappearance of said pair of jeans, destroy and deny everything. I would not recommend this though, it is setting a precedence of dishonesty.

3. Depending on how close you guys are, you could just be honest and let him know that you think he has a gorgeous body and that those jeans just do not do it justice. Choose your words carefully though.
(Nicole interjects: "These Jeans Do Not Do Your Butt Justice")


Good luck! No one should wear Mom Jeans, even moms.

xo Rocco

And from Nicole:

In this instance, stay away from the hurtful truth route as much as possible. I have employed this "truth" in the past about a certain button-up, and found it only gave my then-date a complex that perhaps I hated ALL of her clothes, not just this one shirt.
Also, would you not smack the mouth of someone who tried telling you what to wear?
I might! (or weep in private. either or.)
Not the right path.

I agree with Rocco that buying your sweetheart a pair of jeans is a small price to pay in order to get rid of the motherly ones; but I have a couple suggestions of my own.

Try talking butt science with your date. Mention that the smaller & higher the pockets, the bigger (in a weird, long, flat way) your butt looks. Say you saw it on Oprah. Something about how larger , lower pockets are your favorite, and you've seen him wear some pants like that and his butt looked awesome.


If you must discuss the Mom-Jeans directly, like if they somehow become resurrected, I'd like to expand upon Rocco's honesty route of taking the angle that your sweetheart is too good for them.
Think-
You Are Hotter Than These Jeans.
and/or
You Can Do Better.

When I inquired with said date about the formerly mentioned button up, she did think one of these sentences would have softened the blow and boosted her self esteem instead of giving her a complex.

Good Luck,
and if those jeans disappear I promise not to tell.

Here's a Style Guide to Men's Jeans

And for the ladies

Hi Nicole,

I dated a pretty cool chick, who's a big part of a particular art/music/performance scene in (Big City Where Everyone Knows Everyone Anyway). It went really well, but one morning in early September she broke up with me out of the blue, with no reasons given or warning signs. I was devastated, but told her I respected her decision and we've cut all contact.

Thing is, I'm still in love with the art/music/performance scene that she had introduced me to (and had been a fan of the particular genre for years--it's one of the things we bonded over), and I miss going to shows. When, if ever, is it appropriate for me to start going out in that scene again?

Thanks ever so!

Best,
Not-A-Creeper-in-NYC

Hi, Not-A-Creeper.
First of all, It seems from your letter that you're very sane & you've stopped going to these shows. I'm glad!

It takes the bigger person to take the high road, and the high road is staying home and watching 30 Rock, hanging out elsewhere, or having one-on-one times with friends for a while.

Sometimes the drama-magnets among us try to claim It's Not Fair and
they Should Be Able To Go Where They Want (after a breakup),
only to then cry to their friends or raise a ruckus after seeing their
Ex with another person, or even alive.
Trifling.

But on to your problem!


Depending on the severity of the breakup & accompanying feelings/awkwardness,
I would wait 2-3 months to go out again.

And even then- I would either go to shows where she may not be (This girl can't be everywhere all the time), or choose wisely.

Like, make sure the show is worth it before you leave the house.
Is it a hit-or-miss dance night that happens on a regular basis? Stay home.
Does this band play regularly? Can you see them with ease another time? See 'em later!
Is someone coming on tour in a once-in-a-lifetime experience? Do It! Have Fun!

When you finally leave the house, go with a posse! Get some exercise so you're not all pent up, relax a little (with deep breathing or what-have-you) so when you see her, you feel groovy.

Then be cordial, attempt small-talk, and chill out on the other side of the room with your friends.

I wonder if inviting her to some giant event would help ease the tension.
Not as a one on one date, but as one person you're inviting to something where you've invited a lot of people.
Like if you hosted a giant party or art reception and invited her to come in a very polite way, just so she knows the olive branch is there
(but it's not a sexy, desperate olive branch).
Then when you see her you'll have something to talk about
"Hey, How Was that party, sorry I couldn't make it..."
"Oh, it was great! I won the limbo contest!"
"Oh man, I forgot how good you were at Limbo!"

It sounds like you handled the break up with grace. I trust that you can handle these social interactions the same way.





Dear Nicole,
I'm poor. I want to make money, and I already have a
job, but that's just barely paying the bills. How do I make some loot
without selling myself on the streets??


Well there goes my first response.

Selling yourself on the streets is underrated.

If you want to sell yourself at home, I suggest the lucrative field of phone sex, where you can make $18 an hour to "ooh" and "ahhh" while you watch t.v. with the captions on.
It's a ground floor way into the lucrative adult industry, and all without ever having to see someone ejaculate!

If that's not your vibe, you'd better start honing another talent.

Are you good at thrifting or fixing things up? Sell things on Etsy or to consignment shops!
Ask your friends if they need help with odd jobs, heavy lifting, house painting, cleaning, etc. Put your vibes out there, let people know, and they will respond.

When I needed extra money last year, I posted some ads on Mama message boards and started babysitting.

If you really want money , I would look around and see if any call centers are in your area, and work a night job.

Have I worked the 11p.m. to 4 a.m. shift at the Disney Catalog ?
Yes I have.

Other ideas:

Lemonade stand, everlasting yard sale, dog walking, pet sitting, chicken sitting, coop cleaning, tabling with your crafts at shows, entering karaoke contests.


dear nicole,
i have an amazing dear-to-me sweetie, and we're in a fulfilling and healthy open relationship.
i also have a really good friend that i'd like to make out with again, but am hesitant.
not sure why.
just a vibe, even though there's clear communication on all sides, and permission/encouragement from my sweetie.
underneath i feel a sense that yes, while it's totally fine, it would disappoint my sweetie in some way.
i've asked a dozen times if there are any issues to discuss and always get reassurance, but when there are in-person encounters with the three of us i see a bit of something in my sweetie's eyes that make me want to run over, give her a big hug, and tell her it's not worth it if she's really not okay.

do i believe her and make out, or should i ask a thirteenth time just to be sure?

sincerely,
reading into things

Hi reading into things,

Is it worth it?
If the amount of processing and pre-guilt that has already happened in a sign of what's to come, I would choose someone else to make out with who's less loaded.

Perhaps the fact that you're returning to this person makes your partner feel unstable.
Perhaps the friendship is the problem.
Maybe they feel weird because they know you'll be spending lots of time connecting with this person (as friends) when you're not making out, and that's threatening. Or they know making strict boundaries with the person (if things go wrong) is off the table.

Perhaps it makes YOU feel unstable & you're projecting onto your partner.

Who knows.
I'm just making blind stabs.
The bottom line is:
Is it worth the processing time?

Just thinking about your situation gives me the makings of an anxiety attack, and so I say no.
But that's just me.

Good Luck!
And may the Poly be with you.






Hey there!
OK so my question is...
I have a friend who is now currently making music.
She just learned how to play some basic guitar, bought a fancy ProTools thing for her computer, etc.
She now is obsessed with playing me her music.
I think it's great that she's learned a new skill and blah blah, but I really hate her music. The lyrics are terrible and trite, trying to be funny at times and failing miserably...the ONE time I even offered a slightly not-so-good reaction, she got really mad and it was a whole huge ordeal.

I could deal if this was like a once a month thing, but lately it's been every time we see each other (about once a week) the bulk of the time is spent with her playing her music for me and then looking at me for my reaction.

How do I deal with this? I really hate her music, but don't quite want to hurt her feelings. Thank you!


Hi There.
Good question, and How Horrible for you!
I once had a roommate who would corner me and play me his romantic acoustic guitar songs ("This one's inspired by Shakespeare") for 10-15 minutes a stretch,
while MAINTAINING CONSTANT EYE CONTACT THE ENTIRE TIME.
I felt like an insecure dog, looking away and trying to break his gaze, all the while attempting to figure out what sort of face I was supposed to be making.

I'm going to break my advice for you into two parts.

1. The Music:

You're not going to LIE, per se, but you are going to avoid giving her a critical review.
Maintain courtesy & respect, and employ your cleverness to think of a way to respond.
"It's very You",
"You're very prolific lately. It's nice to see you so excited." ,
"Your songs have a really cohesive sound",
or pick a part you like
"Nice drum solo!".

Try to figure out a way to be her cheerleader without lying.
Because you like your friend and you want to keep her around. No one wants to hang out with someone who harshes their mellow.

Also, it's not like you have to put your name on the album (hopefully), and lots of people like bad music, so maybe she'll find a niche for herself.

2. Hanging Out:

Can you ask her to just make you a tape or something, so you don't have to sit there with a frozen smile the whole time?

She may not bite, so
You're going to have to meet out on the town for a while.

Movies, Art openings, out for drinks, and parties. If she tries to corner you into hanging out at home, tell her you're beating the wintertime blues by heading out on the town, or that you'd really like to show her this new place or great film!

Hopefully she'll find another friend to torture with her music, or will play a show and find a scene soon so you can go back indoors and be her normal friend again!

A Call for Questions!

Hellooooo Out There.

Another school year is upon us, and so your faithful advisor has been laying low and letting you sort out your own sordid details.

Until Now!

A very important question came into my box, and I'm looking for a few more to beef up the column, so please send them in!

Want to know what to do while your roommate's have loud you-know-what?
How's about discussing beard hair left on the sink?
Want to make a pass at your postman ?

WRITE TO ME!

I'll be posting responses This Wednesday, January 12th.

xoxo
n.g.