The Economy, Portland,Bisexuality, Blah Blah Blah

Dear Ms. Nicole,
So I've started this new job. The girl that trained me openly told me
she was bi three days into us knowing each other. I found her
attractive but didn't want to act on it. Now her friend has started to
hit on me. And I've seen her at the bar a couple times. Unfortunately,
I'm not attracted to her. As the month has gone by I have been more 'in
to' girl #1. I have only been with 1 other girl a year ago so I'm not
familiar with hitting on girls. The only thing she really does is
comments how large my breasts are and that she likes them, so I don't
even know if she's interested. What do you suggest I do to let her know
I'm interested?
--
Bi and Curious,



Dear BC,

Keep shutting her friend down (because you know that sleeping with the friend will eliminate your chances with #1),and get bold with your crush. Just get it out of the way. Say "Would you like to get a drink with me after work?" and maybe wiggle your eyebrows or otherwise let her know that you mean "A drink. Just the two of us". When you get there, BUY her the drink and do things to denote that this is a date. Try to flirt openly, see how it goes, and if she shuts you down, so be it.
Get back to work.

p.s. You may wonder if this is completely unprofessional, asking this woman on a date. It is, but i sort of think that her commenting on your chest and outing herself as bi on the FIRST DAY negate standard professional protocol.







Dear Nicole,

Last week I was fired from my job. My managers arranged a meeting and pulled out my Spring Break zine I had wrote last year that had some funny little anecdotes about the customers at my ex-place of business. This zine was a part of your Spring Break project. They thought it was offensive and canned me.
I had never before considered the ethical backlash of being an independent publisher of zines because I always figured no one would read my zines anyway. My question is: are there ethical standards for zines? Would you advise never to write about ones place of business? How ought ones writing being censored if one desires to "put it all out there?" I notice you use different names for your friends and draw carrots for people you don't like. What other ethical policies do you adhere to?
Gracias,
TMI in Tennessee


Dear TMI,

I can't believe you got fired for a zine.
I am so, SO sorry.

I noticed in your original letter, you signed your real name. That is your first problem. You need to stop using your real name in public forums!
If i had it to do over again, I would never have used my real name for any of my zines.
With that said, here are
My ethical standards for zines (All learned the hard way!):
Never use people's real names
Do not mention your place of business by name
Don't use your zine as a sounding board for how much you hate a certain person (like, during a break up).

Keep your friends and keep your job by following the Georges Method!







Oh, Nicole,

So I know the economy is totally crashing and burning right now, but in a massive stroke of luck I just got a job which offers a pretty serious adult salary. I was pretty psyched until I realized that everyone else I know is in danger of losing their job, has lost their job, or can't find a job to save their lives. So instead of psyched, I'm feeling serious survivor's guilt. I can't even ask any of my friends to go out for dinner with me because they are all broke and refuse to let me pay.

What do I do? I feel really bad about feeling good.



Dear Overwhelmed in Illinois,

The only thing you can do is take care of number one and keep trucking.
You deserve the good things that are coming into your life, and should take a moment for gratitude in the place of survivor's guilt.
Guilt won't help anyone.

Make dates with your friends that they can afford.
Offer to split something at a restaurant,or go out for burritos. Offer to make dinner together or go to the dollar theater. Surprise a broke friend sometimes by paying for their movie ticket, but don't make it a habit.

Good Luck, and congratulations on your newfound fortune!










Dear Nicole,
How can i convince my creative, liberal friends that they shouldn't move to Portland? if everyone who makes a difference in their community moves to Portland to be with "like-minded" folk, what good does that do?
and why do these people have such a problem being around others who aren't exactly like them in their city/state of origin? thanks!
Signed,
Shoulder Chip



Dear Chip,
It's fine if your friends want to move to Portland. In Portland, they can finally rest easy knowing that if they want to see something radical, they don't have to be the one organizing it. They can relax as a participant, knowing that the good fight is being waged somewhere with or without their micromanagement.

As much as I understand the want for keeping radical people close to you, I also understand that it is very stressful to be one of only a handful of a certain subculture. It feels really really nice to find your pack, and unfortunate for our smaller city friends, sometimes Portland is the landscape in which the liberal pack thrives.

If they move away from your community, they will only be leaving a legacy and room for growth, in which new people will step up and take on the cause.

Don't stress out so much!

In a larger city, your friends can grow up a little and decide if its for them. if there was something nourishing their soul about their place of origin, they'll return. I'll tell you one thing, though, flies to honey my friend. If you're as bitter when they visit as you are in your letter, you may find the trips home few and far between.

Blech! Toilet talks, shy lesbians, having money, and more.

Dear smartest girl ever,

This woman at work insists on telling me about her poop every time she
goes to the bathroom and I want her to stop. For instance, today she
stopped by my cubicle and said, "I should weigh myself NOW, I've been
constipated for a week, and I just went a whole bunch. Remember when
that happened last week?" Last week she informed me that she's been
eating too much cheese and was therefore constipated for a few days but
then after that started having the shits and kept stopping by to tell
me every single time!

Is there a nice and polite way to tell her to stop? It doesn't end
with poop, sometimes she tells me, in low hushed tones, about how badly
she "had to go pee just now." She usually does it with such glee and
in the spirit of friendship though, it makes me feel bad about
squashing it. I think she thinks it's building up our friendship, and I
don't want to hurt her feelings.
- Grossed out in Gainesville


Dear Gainesville,

The pee thing i can understand, but Poop Talk? No way.
I tell people from the start that I am not into poop jokes,and do not wish to hear about their bowel movements.
I then (naturally) adopt a look of disgust when they do bring it up, which reminds them that i am not a friendly ear for their farts.

If you feel too far gone for that, you could pretend that you USED to like talking to her about poop, but have recently come down with something that makes it intolerable.

Beat her to the punch next time you see her and are having a talk by the water cooler:

"I don't know how this happened, but I have totally started getting grossed out talking about poop! My roommate mentioned something about it and I started getting sick to my stomach. So, no more poop talk. Sorry, friend."

or

"Hey, I can't hang with poop talk right now. I just ate."

Something like this.

Good luck.
Gross.






Dear Nicole,

If my boyfriend and his best dude friend ride motorcycles together--as in, one bike, two dudes, major spoonage--does that mean they're gay for each other?


Love,

Concerned Beard

Dear Beard,
Could be homosexuality, could just be Bromance; but as long as your boyfriend is coming home and having sex with you (a woman), I don't think you need to worry.



Dear Nicole,

for a girl with little discipline, and a not a lot of outside deadlines, how best do i stay focused and keep my eye on the prize?

Signed, In need of a firm hand

Dear Firm Hand,

When all else fails, schedule work time amidst other human beings.
Put it in your planner!

Take your notebook or your computer to a coffeeshop and know that you would much rather be seen there working on a project than on Facebook.

Make a note for yourself "NO INTERNET".

Find another friend who has studying (or a deadline) to work on , and invite them over for some strict and quiet work time. After a few minutes of tea, you will keep each other on task with the miracle of Peer Pressure.

Schedule these things for yourself as many days of the week as you can, and stick to them.
Your work is a priority. Treat it that way.





World's Smartest Girl:

I feel like a jerk to be complaining, but here goes. I have a sort of intense job as an accountant and I make six figures. Meanwhile, my social scene is comprised of urban queers who are musicians, artists, baristas, social service providers, aging scenesters, and similar folk. These are my people that I hang around and feel close to because we share the same interests in feminism, music, community, etc. I have a hard time bonding with other professional people in the business/finance world because they don't roll like I do and they think its very strange to go see a lot of shows and be an out and about queer. But I also feel alienated from my social friends because I have so much financial and educational privilege and it feels like no one has a shared experience. Sometimes I feel like a eccentric and affluent curiosity. Sometimes I feel like the only grownup at the all ages punk show. I thought it would be interesting to hear what you think about that, because I would really like to get over myself.

-Richie

Dear Richie,

I'm not sure what the question is here, but your life sounds cool to me.
You get to live a grown up life while still hanging out with your people, the gaywads. Thank goodness you live in an area where your peer group is not comprised exclusively of straight accountants. Things could be worse!
Inevitably, as you age you will feel like the only grownup at a punk show. That comes with the territory. You would feel this way as a prince or a pauper, given you are over twenty five years old.
If I were you, I would thank my lucky stars that I can afford to fix my teeth, afford stable housing, and retire someday. Many of your friends (and people in the world) truly do not have this gift!
So.. Gratitude! Seriously, stop stressing and just be glad.


n.g.



Dear Nicole,

so there's this girl i have my eye on, do i really just walk up and introduce myself? (that's so... courageous).

Signed, Curious in California

Dear Curious,
Do you have any friends that can introduce you?
If not, just go up to her and say "Hi".

I'm an avid fan of bribery
("Hey do you want this coupon i just found?"
"I thought you might like a butterscotch."),
but have definitely sat myself next to people and just started talking.

Ask her some questions (but don't cross the line into being invasive),
or ask her advice about something
("Hey, do you think that the bartender would look at me if i leaned over the bar like this?").
Just be friendly and honest.

Even if it doesn't work out, it's good practice.

Polyamory and K'vetch Questions

Dear Advice Loving Friends,
I read last night at K'Vetch in San Francisco. K'vetch is a queer open mic night hosted by Tara Jepsen and Kirk Read. At the end of my story (during which i wore a towel, as we were at a gay man bath house) , i took rapid fire advice questions from the audience. Here are a few:


Q: Why don’t girls just tell you what they want?

A: Maybe they’re afraid of you. Are you a rage-a-holic? Learn to listen and not talk over them or offer unsolicited advice every time they do talk.

Q: Are all the dykes really moving out of San Francisco?

A: How should I know? I live in Portland.

Q: What should I Do tomorrow?

A: Come to my art show at The Lexington Club from 7 to 9 p.m.!

Q: How do I like myself?

A: Look at one thing you do well. Look at it really hard. Do more of it. Get feedback only from supportive positive sources. Do NOT listen to Debbie Downers or even ask their opinions.

Q: What is your take on open relationships/polyamory?

A: If you like processing, then polyamory is for you. I estimate five to ten hours of processing for every one hour you get having sex with someone else.

Q: I have a hard time being serious. How do I change this?

A: Seriousity is over rated.

Q; Is it worth changing your personality for your girlfriend?

A: No.


Q: Where is the fountain of youth?

A: Portland, Oregon is the fountain of youth. There is no sun, so you don’t need to worry about getting wrinkles, and people there have a Pleasure-Island quality of never growing up. You could be 72 and have a paper route!



And Now, Some Advice From Questions Sent In:


Dear Nicole,
I’m falling in love with a straight girl that has a live in boyfriend of 6 years. She flirts with me. What do I do?

- Falling in Florida



Dear Falling, Give her your phone number and tell her that if she ever breaks up with her boyfriend she should give you a call. In the meantime, you need her to leave you alone and vice versa.



Dear Nicole,

I'm in need of some tough love. I am 19, currently in a monogamous relationship of 2 years with a guy I really care about, and would like to stay with (we also live together.) I've had bad past experiences with monogamous relationships, and have tried before to just stay single and stop trying to date every man in my path, but it never goes according to plan (of course.) When we started dating, we both wanted something casual and fun, not looking for long term, but we never stopped hanging out. Things changed, and now here we are all coupled up. I want to be more independent, which is completely possible while being in a monogamous relationship, but I've noticed that I am always more outgoing and confident when I go to social gatherings without him. I read some literature on polyamory and open relationships, and I was definitely interested but felt it was not the right time for me to try it. I know from talking about it hypothetically with current partner that he would not be interested in trying it with me.

My partner has been away traveling, and a good friend of mine was in town visiting. I have been friends with him for many years, and only in the last year have I been aware that my feelings towards him were becoming romantic feelings as well. We were hanging out a lot this past week, and I discovered that he felt the exact same way. He practices polyamory, and at first I think he was under the impression that my current partner and I might have recently became polyamorous since I told him I felt the same way about him. When he found out that we weren't, he was totally fine with it, and explained that his feelings for me most likely wouldn't change in the near future, but that he was perfectly fine with me continuing to remain monogamous with my current partner. Basically, he was completely respectful about it, and he is most likely doing the right thing in this situation from my point of view.

The problem now is that I just don't know what to do. Ideally, I would love to be polyamorous, with my current partner as my "main" partner. I'm quite certain he wouldn't go for this, but I also don't want to completely end our relationship that I am otherwise happy with. I also don't really want to keep things how they are and suppress my romantic feelings for my friend. I feel like this situation means that I'll have to end up really hurting someone, myself included.
Signed,
Californian Cohabitant


Dear Californian Cohabitant,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh!
What a nightmare.


Here’s the deal: the absolute worst time to open up your relationship is when it is in crisis.
A polyamorous relationship is HARDER work and requires much more trust, honesty, communication and personal responsibility than a run of the mill monogamous relationship. It is the K2 of dating.

Right now it sounds to me like you are not taking a lot of personal responsibility with your romantic situation as is, and THUS adding another person to mix will only serve to truly fuck up what you have.
Which is maybe what you want.
If you are feeling like sabotaging yourself out of your current live-in relationship, maybe you need to honor that feeling and break up with your dude in order to date others, casual and unencumbered. Otherwise, here's my advice.


This has nothing to do with polyamory vs. monogamy. It has everything to do with living together and engaging in bad patterns.
You could monogamously live together, hang out alone in your city or with your friends independent of your dude, then come home and F each other’s faces off every night if you wanted to.
OR you could live together, suffocate each other, and then go get face crabs from every guy on the street and still not feel fulfilled.

Living together based on convenience, or financial need is The Stupidest reason a couple could choose to take this step. Why? Because you’re basically married. It costs money to break up, and one of you could wind up homeless.

You shouldn’t have been engaging in an intrigue with polyamorous dude behind your boyfriend’s back, my friend. That is number one.
What you need to do is tell that polyamorous guy to cool his jets while you hunker down and work on the relationship you’ve already started.
Make boundaries. Make rules for yourself. Make dates with the dude you’re living with, and when you don’t have dates, go out by yourself.
It’s a new era, starting now.
Insist that you both get some nourishing, independent friend and solo time from each other. Don’t get lazy, fall into a codependent routine, and then resent your partner in routine based on your own lack of discipline.

Tis not easy, but if you want to stay with this dude, I think you would be best served by trying to nourish the foundation of your relationship before you even THINK of triangulating or including other wieners in your situation.

Good luck and let me know how it’s going. I would love to lecture you any time.

Sincerely yours in tough love,

n.g.























Hi Nicole.
I need major big time advice. I have an older brother who is a prescription pain pill addict. Last night I noticed I had four missed calls from him. When I called him back he was drinking at a bar in the small town we grew up in. He stepped outside to talk to me. When I was a child I was a victim of sexual abuse. My brother was at this bar trying to find the person who did this to me so long ago (we're talking over 20 years ago). He was running through all these names of people whom he thought may have done this and told me he was planning to kill them at the bar tonight (if they show up but so far they haven't shown up!?) and explained that I don't know what he is capable of. I spent the next several minutes trying to talk him down. Obviously you can't reason with a person who has taken numerous pain killers and is now drinking alcohol on top of that. I am doing fine these days and have moved on with my life. I feel fortunate to be in such good shape. This phone call from my brother obviously really upset me. I was literally shaking. He has this deep seated belief implanted with the help of my parents that I am gay because I was abused. It haunts him. I don't know how I would cope if my brother killed someone or did something just as crazy because of all of these feelings he has over what happened to me that I don't even really care about anymore. What the fuck do I do?

Sincerely,

Desperate in Detroit


Dear Detroit,

1. You need to contact your brother during the day when he is sober, or at least not rip roaring drunk. Call or write and tell him that you absolutely do not support his vigilante style justice and that it has nothing to do with your wishes and is doing you no favors, only making you feel uncomfortable and creeped out.

2. If you really think your brother is capable of murder, it is your responsibility to call the police in your area and let them know what is up. If they pick him up and take him in, it might knock some sense into him about the reality of what he’s getting into. Seriously. It’s better than being silent and watching him receive a life sentence.

3. Go to an ALANON meeting. ALANON is a group for people who are friends of family of addicts. It will help you to understand better that you have no control over him, and will give you tips on what you Do have control over in the situation. Helpful support. Free. Do it.




Dear Ms.Georges,

I met this hotter than hell older professional art lesbian Saturday night. I could tell she liked me and thought I was funny and seemed to laugh at most of the shit I said. But I don't know if she just thought I was funny in that Joe Pesci meets woody Allen sort of way, or I might have a shot at something. She seems out of my league. Many people have tried to convince me that there are no leagues. But it’s been a hard sell. What would be the most tactful way of putting my self out there? What should I do next? She does not live in my area, but frequently visits from the country and is my friend on facebook.
Thank you for your community service,
Baffled


Dear Baffled,
To you I recommend using THE SECRET. Think positive. Imagine someone who IS in the League of this older professional art lesbian. Then, imagine yourself as that person. As even better than that person.

Approach her with confidence, like you’re offering her something great.

Because you are! You are great and if she doesn’t see that, then she is obviously not the one for you.

Say that you had a nice time talking with her the other night, and you wonder if she’d like to have a drink with you when she comes back into town. Whether or not she drinks, this is the universal sign for “date” , and will tell you her temperature regarding this affair.

I warn you, though you are confident and in fact, BETTER than someone in her league, do not cross the line into Cocky. Confident and cocky are not at all the same, and so for those unfamiliar, may require a little bit of practice. Think of the Dog Whisperer, or Oprah. Both Confident people who are at the same time humble or quiet when they need to be. They don’t act like they have something to prove. They’ve already proved it.
Calm, assertive leaders. That could be you.

Good luck and good greatness,

n.g.

Eating Eggs, Stealing Dates, Hucking Comics, and more.

Dear Nicole

Recently a close friend of mine expressed to me that she was thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend, one of my best friends and an overall sweet guy.
After a week of debating whether to do it she decided not to, a decision I disagree with. Feeling that my best friend should know about his girlfriend’s doubts I tell him about it, but urge him not to act upon the information. He agrees, but later that night after my confessing that I need a boytoy to reduce my current sexual tension, and stating that he would be a good candidate, if he didn’t have a girlfriend. In further conversation he suggested that although he had a girlfriend, he would still be willing to help. The night turned into a sleepover and lying in my double bed together we made the leap from best friends to friends-with-benefits and I became the other woman in his relationship. During this he told me that he had had crush on me for some time, in fact almost all our nearly 2 year relationship and through two other relationships of his, including the current. His behaviour also seemed to suggest that he felt deeper about me than a crush. And now after being sworn to secrecy I feel the need to discuss the situation with friends to help me decide how I should act around both of them and what I should tell the boy.

Nicole, what is the best course of action and should I give up and tell my trustworthy friends??

Love,
Teenage Paramour in Australia


Dear Teenage Paramour,

Girl you are fooling yourself.
1. This dude is a rat-fink.
2. You are a rat-fink for using the information given to you IN CONFIDENCE by "a close friend" to get what you wanted. That is some duplicitous bullshit, my friend.

If you think that this dude won't do to you what he JUST DID to this other girl, then you are sadly sadly mistaken.
If i were you, I would stop answering the phone for a week, do some soul searching, and then go about things in the most compassionate and rational way possible.

Remember: Girl Rivalry and Jealousy tear girls apart. Cheating is anti feminist, and karma is a harsh bitch to fuck with.





Dear Nicole,

I am doing Stumptown Comics Fest for the first time this year. Do you have any advice for me, such as what I should bring, how many copies, that sort of thing? Thanks!

-Milkyboots


Dear Milkyboots,

Bring some tape, scrap paper, a sharpie, and some pens.
Write up a nice, large, legible price list before you show up. To put on your table.
Bring a tablecloth that is bold, but not so busy as to distract from your comic books.

Get change before you come. Bring a little money box to keep your vast fortune in.

Bring yourself some water and some snacks.
I saw have something at your table to lure people back. Cupcakes, candy, free stickers. Something.
Bring business cards with your web address on them.

Wear something nice. Brush your hair, brush your teeth, and get ready to engage with some people and become a self promoting maniac for a day.

Don't sit there reading a book when people come up to your table, stand up or at least make eye contact and greet them. Customer service. You know. Have one of your comics open so they can see an example of what's inside.

Put descriptions on next to your comics so they know which is which
(i.e.: "Issue ten includes me falling off my bike and saving a chicken's life!")

Oh. and bring some gum for fresh breath.

Have fun!




Dear Nicole,

A few weeks ago I posted a very witty and articulate (if I do say so myself) 'casual encounters' ad on Craigslist. It didn't garner me what I was hoping for, but I was proud of the effort nevertheless. Today, while trolling the W4W section, I stumbled upon an ad that seemed eerily familiar. Except, wait! With a few minor (pedestrian, suburban) modifications, it was my ad, totally ripped off! Literally, entire well crafted phrases had been lifted wholesale from my ad and placed into this one. I realize I am perhaps being a bit melodramatic, but this kind of injury feels equivilent to any other kind of plagiarism. I'm at a loss for what to do - do I send a snarky response to the faux-author? Do I reveal her tactics in the public forum? Do I demand compensation for whatever relationship rewards she reaps from my words?

Help!

Andie




Dear Andie,

So Weird!

This is plagiarism, but you have to put it in perspective. It's craigslist.
Unless you want to get your brain wrapped up in the weird world of online forum fighting, I would lay low and forget about it, writing an even BETTER ad next time (you could mention in your new ad that someone stole your last one, it was so excellent).

Online forum fighting, complete with anonymous commentary, can eat away at your soul and take your brain away from more productive and spirit-nourishing activities. Like masturbating, doing aerobics or baking cookies.

Please comfort in the fact that whomever the plagiarist is, the dates they reel in from craigslist will soon find them to be not the witty, wordy cassanova they purported to be, but rather, a lame substitution, unable to whittle a crafty sentence or deliver on the goods you originally described.



Dear Nicole,
As huge fans of yours, aspiring chicken keepers(they're so cuuute), and dedicated v-guns, my roommate and I wanna ask you: What do you do with your hens' eggs? Let them be? Collect them and give them to friends who would otherwise eat factory farmed eggs? Fry em up because you know your girls are loved?

Thank you!

pdx chickenlovahs



Dear PDX Chicken Lovahs,
I feed my chicken's eggs to my dogs and to omnivorous friends. Better they get their eggs from me than from the grocery store!
I have never eaten my chicken's eggs. Menses is menses, no matter how you slice it.

On Sam Adams and Cesar Chavez Boulevard.

Dear Readers,
Portland has the first openly gay mayor of a top 40 city, Mayor Sam Adams.
It has recently come out that our Mayor had a relationship with an 18 year old man in 2005.
He lied about it during the election. So did the young man.

SO. WHAT.

The Oregonian and Just Out (two local papers, one of which is Gay, take a guess) have both called for his resignation.
To them i say Shame On You.

It does not matter to me, as a voter and a citizen, whether or not my Mayor has had sex with an 18 year old.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

His lying about it? Also DOESN'T MATTER.

The Honorable Mayor Sam Adams has demonstrated 20 years of competent public service. This has nothing to do with his sex life. I do not care if he tells the truth about his sex life. It is none of my business.

How many elected officials lie about their sex lives? How many are closeted?
What if they are so good at lying about their sex lives that You Don't Even Know They're Lying? Does it make a difference in their sustainability plan for the city? For their workings with legislation? The budget? NO!

Portland is truly a land of passive aggression and manipulation.

People are saying
"It's not that i care about his sex life, it's just that i won't be able to trust him or see him the same after this."
That's a choice you're making.
It is not a given. You can actually still trust him after this. Look at his record, look at the reasons you voted for him, and make the DECISION as a human being with FREE WILL to see him the same and to MOVE ON.

I want to take a moment and mention something that happened last year. My synopsis.
Some people wanted to rename Interstate Avenue. They wanted to call it Cesar Chavez Boulevard.
The Latin American community of our city was behind this. It almost got passed. Some (and i'm going to make a leap here) WHITE stick in the mud people who otherwise do not have an active role in local politics (i say this because they weren't active enough to have heard about this name change before it was within an inch of passing) found out that this was happening and totally BLOCKED IT!
There were giant community meetings where, I kid you not, people said things like "I can't even pronounce that! How can we name a street that? "
Literally I heard this on a talk radio show .
Did people in Portland come out and say "Change is Scary" or "We are Racist" ?
No.
They said "we can't change the street name because..... um... because then all the businesses on the street will have to change their STATIONERY and SIGNAGE! you'll be hurting small business! That's the only reason we're blocking it!"
give.
me.
a.
break.
Also, "Welllll, we're not RACIST, it's just about a technicality! We really really care about the technical process of street naming here. SUPER IMPORTANT. .... we weren't involved in the process! So we're going to punish you by blocking your efforts! So that next time we can be part of the process! Even if the process is to do something cool with a street that is named INTERSTATE, which happens to be the most uninspired street name of all time.... !"

What am I saying?

I'm saying that people are being homophobic about the Mayor.
I'm saying that Beau Breedlove (the 18 year old) had agency in this situation and was a willing participant in a relationship with a public official.

I'm saying that the blocking of Cesar Chavez Avenue was racist.

And I'm saying this in order to stick up for the Mayor.

As always,
send me your problems.

Sincerely,

Nicole J. Georges

The lady on the left is on a date with 3 people at once.

Dear Readers,
Thanks for your patience. After a few weeks off, I am ready and raring for more advice. I hope to have a podcast or web radio show soon, so stay tuned.
In the meantime, I have a new 150 word limit on questions. This is the last edition of Ask Nicole to include questions as long as Encyclopedia Britannica/Bible/Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Thank you.



Dear World's Smartest Girl,

Here's a question about dating etiquette.
I am a recently single young lady and am on the prowl, so to speak.
I'm dating about four women right now. I'm not polyamorous or anything. I'm just dating.
I live in a mid sized town.

Friday night, I was out on a date and bumped into someone else that I'm seeing, that I'll be going out with on Sunday.
I went over and talked to Miss Sunday and her friend, chit chat, said hello. It was apparent, however, that I was on a date with Miss Friday, who hung back and did not meet Miss Sunday.

I like Miss Sunday because she's smart and sweet and I've been on three dates with her, only just kissed her once and am just getting to know her. Not sure what my intentions are.

Miss Friday, who I'm sleeping with but am sort of ambivalent about, hung back and I don't think she could tell that Miss Sunday and I have a thing going.

Anyways, what am I supposed to do when that happens?
When I run into one girl when I'm out with another girl?

I tell the girls that I am sleeping with that I am dating other people but the ones I'm just getting to know don't know about my ways because, well, we aren't ready for that conversation yet.
Furthermore, I might decide I like Miss Sunday enough that I just want to cool it and hang out with her, I don't know right now but I don't want to foreclose the option because I'm seen out with other people. What I do know is that I want to act right and not mess it up even though I'm dating other people. So, a bit of etiquette instruction, if you don't mind.

-Randy

Dear Randy,
This situation is only as awkward as you make it.
The time to tell someone, in my opinion, that you have other dates, is before you make out with them. Before you even kiss them, you have to say
“Hey, I have to tell you that I’m really really CASUALLY dating some people right now. I just want to let you know that. ….” And you can elaborate or not based on their reaction. But don’t let them trustingly stick their tongue in your mouth if you have someone else’s spit marinating in there.

If you run into one girl when you’re out with another, I think you should say “Hi, how are you?” and make it brief. Tell them you’re excited to see them again or WHATEVER, but you need to say “Okay, I have to go hang out with my friend Miss Friday right now. Nice talking to you. See you soon.”

Don’t make it awkward for Miss Friday by openly flirting or carrying on a long conversation with Miss Sunday. No matter who you want to keep making out with in the situation, this is bad manners.

If you act totally chill and normal when you return to Friday’s open arms, then it shouldn’t be an issue. If she brings it up later “Who’s that?” try to be open and honest, but gentle with her feelings. Even if you feel ambivalent about her, she's still a HUMAN and might not feel ambivalent about you, especially considering the fact you were on a DATE and are currently having SEX with each other. Which in some cultures means "I Like You" .
SO. Be Polite. Be gentle.

Don’t act squirrely or guilty. You’ll only make things worse.




Dear Nicole,
I want to talk about The F Word; Friends.

The back history: I've been in Portland for 5 years (as of this
week), and I have yet to make my 'core' friends here. I have lived in
larger cities like Chicago and Los Angeles and have always had my core
friends (usually 4-5) who I could really count on and share trust and
closeness, both ways. It always provided a sense of family that I
value very much. I don't do small talk and shallow acquaintances very
well, I prefer quality connections with fewer people rather than
shallow connections to a lot of people. I'm a bit introverted and
low-key, and like one-on-one time rather than big social situations.
I tend to get ultra-sensitive and awkward in large social situations
(this is something I'm working on).

THE PROBLEM: Since I have moved to Portland, I have had many
fall-outs with folks I try to befriend. Usually what happens is that
there is an initial spark (sometimes romantic, sometimes not),
sometimes this spark is quite powerful, and we hang out, communicate,
etc… then it seems that to keep the connection going I am the one
doing all of the communication and 'tuning in'. However, this is bad
because it causes an imbalance, and both people are left resentful of
each other.

I realize that these things take time, but Portland has a science all
of it's own and I sense that you may know something that I don't.
Help.

Yours,
Open and Sincere.




Dear Open and Sincere,

In any relationship, romantic or otherwise, there needs to be reciprocity. If you are trying to contact people who are dropping the ball and not contacting you back, then you need to move on. Sounds like they aren’t interested in the same level of friendship you are.
This is where acquaintances come in handy. You make someone’s acquaintance, find out if you have a common interest, and if things go well and you’re both so inclined, hang out one on one as actual friends!
I find that social networking sites are a pleasure for this purpose. They give names to the faces you see in your community, and give you a chance to contact them outside of parties and random run-ins.
I want to add that you mentioned a romantic spark for some people who you’ve tried to befriend. This is a bad tactic if you’re looking for stability in friendships. You don’t want something volatile and hinging on whether or not you make out.

As for your desire to have friends and not just acquaintances (“shallow connections”), this is something I hear about as often as I hear lesbians declare their future want for a goat and to live in the country. VERY COMMON.
Nobody wants JUST acquaintances (not even your acquaintances want JUST acquaintances) , BUT we (Portlanders) are lucky to live in a land of common interest. Portland is a bubble with a giant queer community and thriving underground culture. Don’t take it for granted. Recognize the giant privilege you have to even KNOW that many people who are into the same things as you. You have the luxury here of rooting through the acquaintances to find people with whom you share not just gay-roddery and love of books, but also personality or communication styles. Lucky you! Community is nothing to take lightly.


So my advice to you is, look for commonalities with people whom you do not want to bone, test the waters and if the waters are unreceptive, move on.
Also, see my advice about friendship from 2008.

Good luck .




Hi Nicole,

You probably don't remember me, but I went to Rock Camp this summer and was in your zine workshop. It turned out we were both from Kansas!
Anyway, you said you went to Aquinas for high school. Well, I am in 8th grade and about to take a placement test on Saturday. I am torn between two high schools. I shadowed at Aquinas and a new school called St. James, but I can't decide what school I want to go to! Overall, I really liked St. James better, but at Aquinas I will have more friends. I have one best friend going to St. James, and two best friends going to Aquinas. I really can't decide where to go. At St. James you get a mac book, which is awesome, but Aquinas I will know more people and have a cousin there. Aquinas is also much closer to my house. The tuition is also cheaper at Aquinas. Transportation might be a little problem for my parents and I, but I think we could work things out. Do you have any idea what I should do? I really need to decide, and fast!

-Torn Between Two.

Dear Torn Between Two,

I had a nice time as St. Thomas Aquinas. I met new friends, and maintained friendships with my public school friends outside of STA.

Go to the school you like best, and I promise you will have some friends.

I warn you though, in my days the freshmen as STA were forced to wear beanies with propellers the first week. The seniors could then walk by and flip the propeller on your. Really undignified.
If I were you, I would hide the beanie in my bag and only put it on right outside the classroom door. If you pretend to be a stone cold sophomore, you won’t get in trouble.

Good luck.






Dear Nicole,

Okay, I'm 16 years old and have been in a (sort of) long relationship with my boyfriend (8 months to be exact). But the whole 'I love you' thing started EARLY with him. I didn't say it back until I thought I felt the same, and I do think I feel the same. My problem is the 'planning our future' thing started early too. And I just feel trapped because he loves me a lot, and I (and everyone else) can see that. I know for a fact that if we break up he's going to be...self-destructive. As in drinking uncontrollably. Oh, by the way, he's 19 and goes to college in Michigan (while I live in Illinois) if that makes a difference. And the other thing is I don't want to break up with him right now, I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with him...or I'm just not sure of that. I want to experience new things and meet new people before I tie myself down. Should I talk to him? Should I just break it off now? What should I do?

Love,
Trapped.

Dear Trapped,
I hereby give you permission to break up with this guy.
You’re lovable. So what. That doesn’t meant you owe the first dude to declare his love for you anything. Lots of people are out there who also might want to love you. It doesn’t mean you need to get married to all of them.
You are not old enough to be making a crazy long commitment (not because I’m ageist, but because you need to date some more people and figure out what you want to do with your ENTIRE LIFE and what kind of person you like) , and you haven’t been dating long enough to be surgically tethered to this dude. His drinking is his own business. If he wants to self destruct after an 8 month long relationship, that’s his own deal. He’ll get over it.
Turn the page, dude.
YOUR business is to take care of yourself and have fun! Date someone you KNOW you love. Or don’t! Date a bunch of people and figure out what you want!
Don’t act like an old lady just yet. You can wait until you’re at least in your mid twenties for that sort of behavior.

running a little behind

i had so many house guests! all in a row!
i'm running behind.
send me more letters and i shall answer thee.