Harshing All Kinds of Mellows

Dear Nicole, can a person be in love with someone they've never met, only emailed, texted and spoke on the phone with? Also, how long does it take a person to fall in love with another person? Is there any data on this? I might be in love but it seems impossible. If so, do you have any ideas about what my deal might be?
Thanks for your help.
Signed,
Absolutely Cuckoo.


Dear Absolutely Cuckoo,

No. You cannot be in love with someone you've never met. Sorry, internet romancers.

Please humor me and imagine someone you know who might be good on paper but is SO ANNOYING in real life. Maybe they photograph well and can talk a good game, but you know that they are hideously destructive or codependent or have really really bad breath. This could be your long distance lover!
Do i think you should give up on love and be a miserly curmudgeon?
No!
But i do think that we should differentiate so as not to build a cardio house of cards.
Your heart is important and should be protected with something more sensible than dirty texts and myspace comments.

I diagnose that you are In Like with this person, and maybe even Infatuated with them.

You want some data on the difference between Like and Love? Here you go, straight from www.loveisgreat.com (it gets a little flowery, but we're talking about love so i think you'll be okay):

Infatuation vs. Love

Infatuation is instant desire - one set of glands calling to another.

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by their presence, even when they are away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know they are yours, and you can wait.

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing them."

Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.

Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship, which makes sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When they're away, you wonder if they're cheating. Sometimes, you check.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. They feel your trust, and it makes them even more trustworthy.

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.

Love is an upper. It makes you feel whole. It completes the circle. It fills the empty space in your heart. Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you don't have. If there is no love in your life, whatever else there is has a lot less meaning.


In other news,

Think of the pheremones! Have you ever dated somebody and thought they were okay, but then your smells didn't match up? That is nature trying to tell you that something is awry.
What if their hair smells like barf to you? You don't even know it, because you've never met.

As for your deal? Maybe your deal is that you're stressed out by seriously dating people in your area, and you're looking for a little recreation (which this person seems to offer).

Enjoy yourself, be open to the idea of learning more about them and considering together where this should go, but don't put your eggs in a cyber basket or close yourself off to options at home.

(Also, get some references. Ask around, see if you have any mutual friends or acquaintances by which to judge their suitability for companionship)





Dear Nicole,
I have a friend who has chosen to maintain a friendship with an ex of
mine who royally and horribly hurt me.
The friend and Wet Brain (my
ex) were not friends (had never even met) prior to our dating, and
didn't hang out besides briefly with me about two times while we dated
(which thankfully only lasted three months).
My friend has mentioned to me how hot she thinks W.B. is.

While all my friends have had no problem avoiding Wet Brain,
this one friend has kept a connection open and it
feels crappy to me. I don't think she's dumb enough to date WB,
so I guess my gripe is with loyalty, a dubious concept anyway.
What do you think?
Regardz,
Haver of Feelings

Dear Haver of Feelings,

I have my own opinion on this matter, but took it to the Elderly streets of Portland to get some wisdom from people 70 years old and above.
Marc and I rephrased the question for ease of communication. Also (and don't be mad) we changed the gender of Wet Brain so that the seniors could focus on the problem and not sit aghast at the gay factor.

Nicole and Marc: "Hey guys, what if your friend had a horrible break up with someone- they cheated, weren't very honest, something like that. Most of person A's friends don't talk to person B ("Wet Brain") anymore; But one friend still does. What is the etiquette?"

Mavis- So you don't want to be friends with either of 'em?

Marc- No, no!

Mavis- Nothing.

Walter- I suppose it depends on what they did.

Henrietta- Show love and respect, don't turn your back on 'em. You can't control someone else. Just because you found out they did wrong, you can't mistreat em. You don't know both sides of the story!

Mavis- Depends on what they did. if they were cheating and lying about it, then they deserve to be ignored.

Henrietta- Sometimes you think you know a person, and you don't know htem. If they did somethin' real bad, like murder someone, i wouldn't be in their face, but I don't wanna mistreat 'em. You can know someone real long and not know 'em.

Estelle- Be polite, say hello, don't snub him. Depends how big of a jerk he was.

Marc- what if he was real bad? what if he stole money from her?

Estelle- Stole Money? Oooh Boy. Call the Sheriff!

Confidential from NG to Haver of Feelings: Don't let your feelings of betrayal transfer on to someone who has otherwise been a good friend to you in this situation. If you are around her and she says something about them being hot, I think it would be fair to pipe in that it's painful to hear that regarding the person who wrecked your heart. Otherwise, you are lucky to be rid of this person, and you seem to still have a lot of great friends around so focus in on them. If your friend starts dating Wet Brain, THEN you have a reason to cause a ruckus. Otherwise, stay still!






Dear Nicole,

My heart recently broke itself, and I therefore find myself on a quest to mend it as quickly and thoroughly as possible. Would you say that a relatively shallow rebound relationship is a decent way to mend said heart? What if the likely co-participant in such a relationship is a new addition to a group of friends to whom my heart's breaker and I belong?

Sincerely,
(do I really make up a name for myself?)
um...
"pea-brained in portland"


Dear Pea Brained in Portland,

"A cure for a break up is a hook up"

so says Silver from the newest incarnation of 90210.

With that logic in mind, I say go for it.
If the person is a NEW edition to your friend group, all the better.
But, seeing as it is a rebound, be sure to keep it shallow so as not to incur any casualties.

Sincerely,
n.g.


Dearest Ridiculously Awesome Lady,

I've adored PDX forever, and last month I took my BFF to experience its majesty.
She fell in love too and we made plans to move there with two other friends (we range 16-19).

My friends' families had money, and they could move right away while I'm really poor.
They knew I couldn't move soon but said "oh girl, we'll make it happen! we'll get an apartment for a bit, wait for you and then all get a house".
Yet all three of them started conspiring without me knowing while my friend and I were still in town, and signed a YEAR lease on a 3-bedroom apartment without me.
My 'bestie' didn't inform me until a week before her flight there. They're all there now, chilling with drag queens, seeing Gogol Bordello and setting up house while I'm looking for a job.
I felt horribly betrayed, but they sent me an apologetic "sorry, we should've told you! we just didn't want to hurt your feelings because we have more money than you!! you can sleep in the living room, we love you! GET OVER IT." email.
They had to act or they wouldn't have found a place, and I'm still going to live there. But they didn't TELL me, so I still feel hurt about the miscommunication!
It's not like they said they got me Soy Delicious and ate it, it's like they said we could all leave our parents and obtain housing together and.... ate... it. I'm in Missouri filling out applications and selling everything I own, while they're already in my dream city that I introduced them to in the first place!

Am I being petty and jealous and childish, or were they just being dicks?

~midwestern meltdown

P.S. you are pretty much the most ideal superfox in the whole world ever, inside and out. Keep being unbelievably badass.



Dear Midwestern Meltdown,

Keep your chin up, friend!

Maybe you're a gang of street toughs or something, but I am going to assume that for most of you, this is the first (or close to the first) time you've lived outside of your parent's homes and had to actually negotiate being renters. Am i right?
I want to use that as an excuse for your friend's behavior. They encountered a stressful if possibly uncomfortable situation (that being that they all had the resources to move before you, their friend, did) and took the path of least resistance, the path of least communication!

I just reread your letter and wanted to make clear to you that most places ask for a year lease. It is very standard, and if your friends have little to no rental history, it may have been their only choice. Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em! These ladies need a home too! They are three different humans who all took your advice and wanted to live in glorious Portland, Oregon, and had no responsibility to wait for you, as sucky as that might sound.

If you want to keep these people as friends, and you want to be able to know them once you are in Portland , then it's time to process on through.
Express your feelings, take the high road, don't be a dick, and use "I" statements.
That being where you express your feelings and don't lay blame. As in : "When you make a group decision behind my back, it makes me feel betrayed."
So you're stating a behavior, and then your reaction to it.
It's not pointing fingers, but it is letting them know what about the situation gets your goat. If they're good friends, they'll take it to heart and maybe next time they'll pony up and talk to you about an uncomfortable situation.

In the meantime, don't let those assholes get you down.
Get another job, get some money, and come to Portland! There are plenty of places to live and things to do.

It's nice of them to say you can live on their couch.

Good luck!

In which I advocate Roofies, the E-Room, & mixing cocktails with pills

God, of COURSE you shouldn't look forward to getting roofied, and of COURSE you shouldn't mix Vicodin with a cocktail. I was just kidding. Read on, read on.





Dear Nicole,
should I put the moves on my personal trainer?
Signed,
Horny in Hillsdale

Dear Horny,

Originally I was prepared to say "Stop! You'll never be able to work out again!" , but then i thought "Sure." It seems like personal trainers are probably good at having sex.
So... why not.

-n.g.



Dear Nicole:

How would you suggest that a single lez, say about 30 years old with an admirable rack and large, tacky earring collection, go about establishing a newer, sluttier, care free dating life? How would this 30something let the tomboys about town know that she's interested in: a) lots of easy sex b) some fun, windblown, low maintenance hangouts without douchey game playing c) whatever may develop, as long as it's not super emo -- short of putting a sex ad on craigslist (which is a respectable choice, but seems like it may be a little unhygenic)? Wait. Is this even possible? Does this Dykey Dreamland exist?

This lez in question is not interested in being false or unauthentic with anyone (she's NOT emotionally unavailable, paralyzed nor bankrupt), AND would like to put out some honest to goodness "fuck me early and often" vibes.

What do you think, Oh Wisened One?

Sincerely,

Sexy McWouldLikeToGetLaiderton

Dear Sexy McWouldLikeToGetLaiderton,

Why does every question i receive have to do with making friends or getting laid? I have answered the same question about six times and i am running out of material here.
Leave the house. Get a good haircut. Tell people you're available. Ta da.
Now quit asking until you've followed that advice and seen where it led you.

But you, Mrs. McWouldLiketoGetLaiderton, are a very special person, and so i offer my advice on Making Friends/Getting Laid for the last time.

First of all:
It's time to get out the old Town Whore bell. "Clang Clang!" , you say "Open for business!".

Secondly,
I have a couple of different pieces of contradictory laid-getting advice. It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure.

1. Declare your celibacy.
Everyone likes a challenge. Don't be a cad about it, but tell people that you are choosing to remain celibate for a while, perhaps to "re evaluate your priorities".
Something that makes you sound wholesome , maybe wise, but not frigid.
If somebody's been on the fence about boning you, hearing that you are trying to get out of the race will immediately spark their interest and will make them want to coerce you into rejoining our party.
You have to be tricky with this one. Play it just virginal enough so that they don't know you've been lying, but not so virginal that they actually give up trying to roofie you.
Good luck!

2. Make it Rain.
When it rains, it pours. Correct?
I have found that i will have dry spells in which i look up at the sky and say "Why must i die alone?", followed by moments where there are too many people knocking down my door at the same time. Never is there a steady trickle, it is either one or the other.
So. what you need to do is turn the hose on, set it up over a tree limb, and make your own rain.
You can do this by lowering your standards (Momentarily!) and doing it with someone just because you know you can and just because you want to have sex.
Of course, of course, be mindful of their feelings, etc. But isn't there somebody lurking in the shadows, maybe someone vaguely seedy, who has been sweating you this whole time? Or, do you live within walking distance of the E-Room?
If so, go there right now. Get wasted. Pick up somebody who looks a lot better in dim light than they do in the day, and take them home.
Just have sex.
This will once again ignite the mysterious vibes or pheromones that exist within you that say "Come To Me."
People will sense this and they will , in turn, come to you.
and/or
This will momentarily quell your crazy desperate "fuck me or i will die" vibe and will give you a brief air of indifference, which will , in turn, come off as "come to me (because i'm not coming to you) ".

I swear one of these methods has got to work.
And if they don't...
try craigslist! somebody's got to try it! Wear sunglasses or keep the room dark or have some vicodin with a cocktail and make out with a stranger from the internet.
Then tell me how it went.

Sincerely
n.g.





Dear Nicole,
what the hell is wrong with Portland's queer scene these days?
- Curious on Couch Street

Dear Curious,
Good question... sort of.
In a nutshell, here is what is wrong with Portland's queer scene:

1. It is racially homogenous,
2. there isn't enough chivalry,
and
3. sometimes the femmes get scarcity issues (and then things get ugly)


Have fun there.

Sincerely,
n.g.

p.s. After a moment of thought:

Well... i don't know if anything is wrong with Portland's queer scene THESE days that wasn't wrong with it in THOSE days.

Having come from the vast desert that is Kansas, and having lived near the wasteland they call Chico, California,
I have greatly enjoyed marinating in the scene that is Portland Queerdom.
Even the most annoying people here, I look at them and think how glad i am that they exist. Even though they might bug the shit out of me.
I'm glad there is space for them here, and sometimes, even space enough for them to be "cool".
Whereas in a Kansas suburb someone would just be an homely girl, in Portland they are magically transformed into a handsome gentleman or busted-hot lady.
We have such an abundance here, we can choose between queer nights and gay dance parties and see homos every night of the week!
We hold hands wherever we want, and sometimes after a big party you'll find latex gloves in the bushes. I kid you not.
I say, embrace it, appreciate, and then work on the things i listed above in my first answer.



Dear Nicole,

I have been "talking to" this girl that i met through a friend of a
friend. Initially we started talking via myspace, which progressed
into daily texting and phone calls late into the night. I crafted her
a heartfelt mix cd which i...mailed to her. See Nicole, the thing is,
that there is a bit of a barrier between us. A physical one. I am
stuck outside of the Los Angeles area, and she resides in the bay
area. I never really met anyone from online before, but she makes me
laugh and is cooler than anyone I ever met down here. Call me a
pessimist, but we don't really have a future together because of the
distance. Should we even bother investing time in making visits to
each other? If so, what's the appropriate visiting timeline?

Sincerely,
Reluctant In Riverside



Dear Reluctant,
Ahhh, long-distance online dating.
As i've said before: Imagine the most annoying person you know. Now remember that even that person could make themself look palatable on the internet.
Really, truly.
BUT, of course you are In Like with this person and you are not comparing them to the most annoying person you know, SO... go visit them!
It's not all for nothing.
When you visit them, gather information. Do you like their friends? Are they people you would choose to hang out with if you lived in that city?
Do you like the things they do with their time? Do they whine a lot?
Do they treat you nice? Are they locked into their life and their city? and.... Are you locked into your life and your city?
Have a nice visit, but seriously take off your blinders for a minute and soak it up realistically , because it is going to cost a lot of money and take a lot of effort for this to keep going, and if this girl is only so/so in person, then you're just as well off scouting somebody in your own neck of the woods.

I cannot stress enough that this person had better blow every girl in your own town out of the water, because if all goes well,
One of you will have to move . Who's it going to be?
THAT is a serious maneuver. More serious, perhaps , than moving in together.
And i never, ever advise moving in together, unless you are ready for (as Dr. Laura said today):
"A ring, flowers, and rice thrown in your face."
The end.



Dear Nicole,

Ok, so I've had a year-long epic romance with a friend of mine. We've confessed we liked each other and have been intimate more than four times....each time we have been pretty tipsy. Every time after she gets "scared" and blows me off by not calling or texting me for days after. Every time after, I tell myself that I won't allow myself to fall for it again. Her reasoning, or excuse rather is that she can't have a relationship because she's not out to her parents. I understand that coming out is a long, hard process but I don't think it warrants the disrespect I've been given. Ugh, Am I setting myself for heartache, and should I give up? The thing is, we've been friends for so long. Can I at least salvage a friendship or is it time to throw in the towel?


Thanks,
Disrespected in Detroit


Dear Detroit,

How does this qualify as an "epic romance" if you've only gone as far as confessing "Like"?
Not even, "care" "adore" or "love"?
Forget it.
Yes you are setting yourself up for heartache.
You can still be friends, but only if you:
Have some self respect,
make some boundaries, and
tell this little tramp to keep her hands off of you when she's drunk and horny!
You deserve a lot better than this.
She should be thanking her lucky stars that she got to bed you down whilst drunk, and should exude at LEAST good manners after such an affair.
Just think: your soul mate wouldn't treat you this way.
It's a fact.
Good luck!

n.g.

p.s. Don't get bent out of shape that i just called your best friend a Tramp.
I'm just trying to be on your side. Whatever, she can call me a tramp, it's fine. But at least i'm not a jerk!

Cat Dander, Myspace, Buttplug Etiquette and Making New Friends

Hello, Readers! It is September and I write to you from my my borrowed Herman Miller Aeron chair, listening to the snoring sounds that young Wishbone Georges makes from her bed.
1. Get ready for "Ask Nicole Georges: The Tour" this fall/winter. I'll be traveling around the east coast with sts and Katy Davidson, giving live advice everywhere I land.
2. Note: Picture at left is meant to clear my good name of Cat Hating rumors. Look, i like them so much i have , like, twelve on my lap at once!
3. Comments are encouraged and accepted.







Dear Nicole,

Should I tell my ex gf I broke into her email account in a fit of crazy to see if she found someone new?

- Nosy in New Hampshire



Dear Nosy,

If you need to stalk your ex girlfriend, do it through Myspace like any decent person would do.
In the meantime,
do NOT tell her that you broke into her email account! Swallow that secret and clear her password from your mind.





Dear Nicole,

I have always enjoyed the company of animals and grew up around many different types of pets. For the most part, I was raised around cats and when I moved to my own place, I started with having only 2 cats, then I got a dog and became a total dog lover. The cats crack me up with their antics and craziness, and my dog is my best pal and I take him everywhere with me.
Cats can be just as affectionate as dogs.
I know you are an awesome person who cares for all animals. My question to you is, do you think you will ever adopt a cat? What is is about cats in particular that you don't dig?

All the best!

Animal Lover


Dear Animal Lover,

Sigh. I have been plagued with anti-cat stigma ever since i drew a comic that said "As a general rule, i don't like cats." when i was 22.
Well. Let's clear this up.
When i was 23 i hit a cat whilst driving the minivan for an animal rescue organization i worked for. Please take my word for it that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this Grandpa-Cat murder/suicide.
So riddled with guilt was i, that i declared then and there that i would repair my relationship with the feline community. I have a good four years of pro-cat petting under my belt now and would like to say i'm reformed.

I even rescued a litter of kittens (See Above Photo) and drove myself to the brink of insanity after realizing i would have to rear them and find them homes after no rescues would take them (keep in mind i had four dogs and three chickens at the same time).

I actually tried to adopt a cat ,Cleo Clementine Cashew Cardamom Cupcake Georges, last year after Lambchop died. I rescued her from a family off of craigslist who'd moved and left her sitting outside of their abandoned house. I put Cleo in the back of the my borrowed Mercedes Benz and took her home. Well. I'm allergic to cats. I thought after years of dating cat people I'd cured myself, but apparently one dandery cat in one small house in winter with all the windows closed was not the ticket for my sinuses. And so, she is now Cleo Clementine Cashew Cardamom Cupcake Kilcoyne, as I gave her to a friend. They are very tight and it all worked out okay (see photographic evidence, below).





So the answer is: I would be roommates with a cat, or a step parent to a cat, but i would probably not get my own cat. Power to cats. Power to cat people! Hand me a kleenex!





Dear Nicole,
I haven't dated women much.. whats the etiquette on recycling sex toys with other, uh, dates.. presuming I will actually find another?

Love,
Dildonna



Dear Dildonna,
Good Question! It really depends how much sentimental value is attached to said toy and how much money you have at the time.
First and foremost, boil everything. Make dildo soup, but don't forget about it and burn your apartment down like somebody i know.

If you are going to think about your ex girlfriend every time you are attempting to wield your dildo/ horsetail buttplug/ whatever, then you should probably give it away, throw it away, or bury it.

Then, go out and buy yourself a new dildo or horsetail buttplug as a way of inviting new , clean, positive sex vibes into your life. Keep your bedroom clean and your sheets fresh. Put fresh flowers in your room and make it smell nice.
I am serious.

Nobody wants to fuck the crypt keeper, so get rid of the spider webs and bring in the sunshine and I'll bet through this manifestation of bedroom vibes that you will , in fact, lay again.




Dearest Nicole,

I'll get right to the point: How do I deal with my lame-ass friends? Don't get me wrong, I love them, but they just do nothing. Ever. At all. Any event or party that ever happens only happens because I plan it, and most of the time when I'm trying to organize something fun they all just punk out. This leaves me lonely and bored in my room eating cookie dough every weekend.
I just got out of a relationship and the last thing I need is to sit on my ass and think about how it all went downhill. I've tried making new, better friends, but so far this has been unsuccessful. Any tips or ideas? Also, if I didn't want to wait around for them to have a good time, is there any way one can dance alone on the dance floor alone without looking like an idiot? THANKS.
-No More Dull Nights (In Minneapolis)



Dear Dull Nights,

Hmmm.
My questions for you would be:
How did you make these lame ass friends in the first place?
and
Were you in Love Jail whilst in your previous relationship? And if so, were your friends perhaps put off by this or did they feel ditched and so now they are vengefully ditching?

Either way, it's time to make some new friends and put the cookie dough away.
In Fact,
Cook the cookie dough instead of eating it, and wrap it in little packages and take it to the houses of your lame friends in order to butter them up into hanging out with you while you seek out new, cooler friends.

To meet new people:
Organize a sewing circle at your house.
Get involved in some Minneapolis happenings. There's go to be something going on there. It's where Prince is from, for goodness sakes!

By all means, go to dance nights by yourself. You don't have to dance by yourself, though, dance with a stranger!

Go see movies by yourself.
Get a dog.
and
See my previous post about friend-finding for someone who'd just moved to Minneapolis.
Good Luck!






Dear Nicole,
In your personal opinion do you think befriending someone that is hot on Myspace is appropriate? Like, if you don't know them.. but want to..?

Signed,
Curious in California


Dear Curious,

Yes it is totally acceptable to befriend someone via Myspace based only on the fact that you think they're hot. Even if you don't know them.
I've done it before , I'll do it again, and I encourage you to do the same.

What you say to reel them in and make them accept your request, however, is the tricky part.
Like, when they say "Who are you? Do I know you?".

I can't tell you my personal strategy because it would spoil it for myself and future myspacings, but think of something that doesn't sound too creepy, or maybe leech onto the fact that you have a mutual friend. "Oh, i saw you were friends with so-and-so and they're like, my favorite person ever and i thought we'd get along....".

Oh. I have to mention a bit of internet sense. Think of the most annoying person you know. Now think: That person could make themselves sound good on the internet. Just something to keep in mind if you're cruising around for dates.

Err... good luck.

Sincerely,
n.g.